Motokano to no Jirettai Gisou Kekkon Volume 1 Chapter 7

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Proof of the Greatest Love

Two weeks passed since Rio and I started living together. There was a certain day the two of us left the house together. I finished my preparations early, waiting for Rio to get done as I sat on the sofa. I waited…and waited even longer…

“…Sheesh.” I let out another sigh.

I feel like I had known about this before, but once I started living together with Rio, it became even more apparent to me…that women take a really long time to get ready.

“…Hey, Rio. Are you still not done?”

I checked the time with my smartphone, and called out to Rio, who was putting on makeup in the washing room.

“If we don’t leave soon, we’ll miss the bus.”

“Wahh, wait a second, I’m about to be done!”

“You said the same thing just now.”

“I can’t help it. I changed my mind on the makeup mid-way.”

“Why would you do that…Who cares about makeup?”

“Moral harassment! You’re denying your wife’s values, so I call moral harassment!”

“…I wasn’t denying makeup as a whole. If you knew that it would take longer, why didn’t you just start sooner? Yet you took your sweet time with breakfast, and went through your social networks after…”

“Alright, logical harassment. Don’t blame your wife with logic!”

“………” I could only look up at the ceiling.

Arguing any more than this would be a waste of time, and even if I did, it’d only backfire. Winning against a woman with logic is impossible. This is yet another thing I learned after moving in with Rio, and only now did I understand the words I heard so often before.

Basically, it’s not about winning or not in your verbal argument…because there’s no meaning even if you win. Even if you argue with logic and reasoning, it’ll only worsen the other person’s mood in the process. More accurately, the very thought of trying to win is flawed. Your wife or girlfriend isn’t an enemy, but a shared cooperative body.

“You don’t need to panic like that, even if we miss the bus, I can just call Hayashida.”

“Don’t use Hayashida-san as some dogsbody.”

“She’s not, and I’m not ordering her either. Just a cutesy-cutesy request. Hayashida and I are like family, so she’s my Onee-chan driving me, her cute little sister, around with her driver’s license. Totally normal, right?”

“…Don’t think she can attest to that. It’s like the president of a company says ‘My employees are family’ only to make them work overtime.”

“—Alright, I’m done!”

Finally. I think we might make it in time still. I grabbed my things I put down next to me, and stood up from the sofa.

“Come on, Haru, hurry up! We’ll miss the bus otherwise!”

“Whose fault do you think this is?”

“Did you bring the marriage ceremony’s photobook with you?”

“Yeah.” I looked down at the bag in my hand. “Tablet’s inside as well…You got your stuff as well?”

“Yup, I prepared it last night.”

After we confirmed that we had everything, we quickly left the apartment. Going out together like this happened last on our first day when we went shopping, but…this isn’t necessarily a date.

“…Still, I’m really glad.” We entered the elevator, when Rio muttered these words. “It’s great news that Grandma is back to health so we can come meet her.”

“Right.” I agreed wholeheartedly.

Our plan for today was to visit Fumie-san.

Tamaki Fumie is Rio’s grandmother, and one of the founders of Tamakiya. The beginning of north-east Japan’s greatest sweets maker Tamakiya happened with her and her husband, as a local dorayaki shop. Their dorayaki soon became famous in the area, which allowed them to add two, three branch stores shortly after. Right as their business started blooming, and her husband died a sudden death caused by an illness, she continued to work as the female president of Tamakiya.

However, on her 60th birthday, her son—basically Rio’s father—took over management, and she fell back entirely. She was still the president, but she never once gave any order related to Tamakiya’s management. Rio had been born around that time, so after retiring from her work, Fumie-san instead worked towards caring for Rio. Whenever I came to visit Rio’s home, she would play with us. That’s probably why…I don’t really have this image of a ‘traditional sweets seller founder’ inside my head.

She’s kind, comfortable to have around, and an older lady who would occasionally spoil us with this and that. However…through the past few years, a sickness bit away at her body, which is why she had to stay hospitalized as of late.

If her health had allowed for it, she would have attended our marriage, but because her situation grew worse right before, she had to stay absent. For a brief moment, no visitors were allowed, but thankfully she seemed to have recovered from that, as we could now visit her.

“—Grandma.”

Rio couldn’t wait any longer, and immediately ran into the room.

“Oh my, Rio-chan, welcome.” Fumie-san pushed up her upper body, showing a comfortable voice and warm smile as she saw Rio.

She possessed snow white hair and a face riddled with wrinkles. I haven’t seen her for a few years now, and although we planned to visit her here before the ceremony, her own condition didn’t allow for that to happen.

“It’s been a while, Grandma. Are you fine getting up like that?”

“Yes, I’m feeling great today.”

“Don’t force yourself. If it’s too much, you can get some more rest.”

“Thank you. You’re gentle as always, Rio-chan.” Fumie-san smiled happily.

After waiting a bit, I walked into the room as well. This was the one of the few general hospitals of the prefecture, specifically the hospitalization ward. Fumie-san is currently being hospitalized in the personal paid hospital room on the highest floor. The room was quite large for a hospital room, with fairly luxurious furniture, even a big TV, completely different from a normal room packing several people. Of course, the costs for this room were equally different.

If…If the management of Tamakiya had suffered even further, then she might not have been able to afford this hospital room. I’m sure that what Rio wanted to protect the most was Tamakiya, but ensuring the health of her grandmother was equally a big part of it. The better the environment, the healthier she’ll be. Just shows how much Rio loves the old lady.

“…Haru? What are you spacing out for? Come here.” Urged by Rio, I slowly walked towards, and then lowered my head.

“It’s been a while, Fumie-san.”

“Haru-kun…? My, you’ve grown so much.” Seeing Fumie-san’s emotional response, I felt all tingly myself.

Compared to the Fumie-san I had in my memories, she had definitely suffered from her sickness. However, the warm smile and inviting voice she directed at me was the same. It’s still the Grandma Fumie I loved so much.

“You’ve turned into an adult when I wasn’t watching, it seems.”

“Haru’s still 19 though.”

“…No need to add that part.” I threw in a light retort.

“…Really…it still feels unreal.” Fumie-san narrowed her eyes, looking at the two of us. “It feels like I just played with you in our garden, and yet you’ve grown up like this…”

“It’s been more than ten years now, Grandma, of course we’d grow up.”

“Once you reach my age, ten years feels like it was yesterday.” After poking fun at Rio’s comment, Fumie-san once again continued with a nostalgic tone. “Really…it happened in the blink of an eye. My cute granddaughter was born, played with the child from Isurugi-san…and now these children went and got married for real.” She closed her eyes, and gently lowered her head.

“Rio-chan, Haru-kun, congratulations on your marriage.” She said.

I…could only return a vague smile. I felt a bit embarrassed, bashful, and most importantly—guilty. I can’t shake off the guilt plaguing me because of this fake marriage, no matter what I do.

“I’m sorry…that I couldn’t couldn’t participate in your marriage ceremony. I really wanted to celebrate it with you.”

“Don’t worry about it, Grandma. I’m sorry that we couldn’t visit you at all. It just happened so fast that…Ah, we brought some pictures with us, you know? Haru, could you?”

I took out the photo album, and handed it to Rio. We had it made professionally, and it acts like a photo book holding pictures of the day and any previous shots.

“Oh my.”

When Fumie-san opened the photo album, she showed a blooming smile. In the picture, you could see Rio and me standing in formal clothing. Personally, having someone else see that picture is pretty embarrassing, but Rio seemed confident, and Fumie-san had a happy look on her face as well.

“Rio-chan, you really are beautiful. The white dress looks perfect on you.”

“Right? I would have loved to wear a few other dresses~”

“…Two times was more than enough.” I retorted with a quiet voice.

We held the ceremony inside a city’s ceremony hall, inviting only near family.

‘Since we’re still students, we shouldn’t turn the ceremony into such a big thing’ was the reason on the outside, but in reality, we were actually rushing it. Gathering the other related families and people working at the companies, sending out invites, and even getting a larger hall would take half a year at least. In order for the Isurugi Family to start helping Tamakiya as quickly as possible, we judged that getting the marriage through quickly was crucial.

…Well, even in this ‘secluded’ marriage ceremony, Rio went haywire. She wore several different marriage dresses, taking pictures to a level I didn’t want to take another one for the rest of my life.

“The tuxedo looks wonderful on you, Haru-kun. Quite stylish, I must say.”

“Thank you very much…”

“Well, it sure does, but…heh. If you saw him changing into it, it wouldn’t look as stylish anymore. Listen to this, Grandma. When Haru wore the tuxedo, he was warned by the staff—”

“H-Hey, she doesn’t need to know that!”

She suddenly blurted out an embarrassing memory of mine. When wearing a tuxedo at a marriage ceremony, wearing it like a wing collar (where you fold only the tip of the collar) seems to be common sense. I didn’t know about that, so I folded the collar like I would do it with a suit, which is why I got warned by the staff…Who cares about that, honestly.

“Look at this, Grandma, there’s a lot more pictures.” Rio showed Fumie-san the tablet.

There, we had pictures taken by family and other staff. As they went through the slideshow, Fumie-san watched every single picture like it was a precious memory of hers. After they finished looking through the pictures…

“Ahh…I’m so happy.” Fumie-san flashed a blessed smile. “Now that I got to see Rio-chan in a wedding dress, I have no more regrets in this world.”

“G-Grandma, don’t say that. You still need to keep living on. At least 100, or I’ll be angry.”

“Fufu, you’re right. Then, maybe I should stay alive at least until I get to see the face of my great-grandchildren.”

“G-Great…!? Y-Yeah, leave it to us, we’ll do our best! Right, Haru!?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Looking at the atmosphere, I could only nod along. Rio has an older brother who is working at Tamakiya, but he hasn’t gotten married yet. That’s probably why Fumie-san is expecting a great-grandchild from Rio now. It is to be expected, I guess. As the two of us were giving awkward responses, Fumie-san watched over us with a gentle smile.

We continued to talk about this and that for a while, until…

“…Rio, it’s time.” I looked at the time, and called out to Rio with a quiet voice.

Although Fumie-san had recovered, the nurse told us that we should avoid visiting her for too long. Personally, I wished to talk with her some more…but, we have other urgent business to attend to.

“Ah, yeah.” Rio put her hand into her bag, taking out a single piece of paper. “We want you to put your signature here.”

“Is this…”

“That’s right, our marriage registration.”

A marriage registration is essential for a marriage. From a legal standpoint, the day you hand this in, you are a fully-fledged married couple.

“A marriage registration…? You still haven’t handed that in?”

“…Yeah. That’s why the two of us technically aren’t married yet.”

“What’s wrong? Shouldn’t you do this first thing?”

“About that…We wanted Grandma to be the one to write her signature on it.” With a wry smile, Rio pointed at the single blank space on the paper.

There, it said ‘Witness’. To fully accept the marriage registration, the municipal office requires the signatures of two adults. As long as they passed the age of 20, every person was fine for that, but the general idea is to have someone from your family sign it. One person already signed it, which is my own father. The second we kept open until today—

“Oh my, now I feel bad. Are you fine with me as a witness? Not your Mama or Papa?”

“Of course, it has to be you, Grandma.”

“Agreed.” I nodded along as well.

When we talked about the marriage registration, Rio said that ‘I want Grandma to write her signature for the second witness’. I was more than okay with that, and so was Rio’s family. Originally, we had planned on handing iti in earlier, but since Fumie-san’s health deteriorated right at the worst timing, we had to wait until today.

“I see. Then, I’ll gladly do that.”

“Please do, Grandma. We brought the stamp with us.”

“…Um.” Fumie-san showed a troubled expression. “Do you have something for me to write with?”

“…Ah.”

“…Rio? What was that ‘Ah’ about? Don’t tell me you forgot a pen?”

“…I did.” Rio looked at me in shock.

“That is quite troublesome. This room only has my colored pencils and calligraphy brushes…”

“…Didn’t you check earlier, Rio?”

“I-I have the paper with me, okay!”

“So how could you forget a pen…?”

“…Alright, I get it. They’re selling those anywhere, so I’ll quickly go buy one!” She screamed in anger, and ran out of the room without fully closing the door.

“…For crying out loud.”

“Fufu, Rio-chan is as clumsy as ever, I see.” Fumie-san showed a gleeful smile. “From your point of view, she’s an older Onee-san, so make sure that she doesn’t dominate you too much.”

“Ahahaha…”I gave a vague laugh, and sat down on a nearby chair.

After a brief silence passed…

“…Seems like we really are in your care a lot, Haru-kun.” Fumie-san muttered. “I heard about it. When we were in a dire situation…the Isurugi Family helped us out of it.”

“No, that’s not…We were both benefiting from it…not to mention that I didn’t do anything.”

“The reason you two hurried to get married is because of Tamakiya as well, right?”

“That’s…”

“How miserable…Forcing that girl to use up her precious marriage for the sake of her family…”

“……”

“If Rio-chan had agreed to this marriage solely for the sake of our family, I would have stormed out of this hospital to stop her…” She continued, looking at me. “If you’re her partner, then I have no complaints.”

“……”

“I’m sure that you will treasure Rio-chan more than anybody else in this world.”

I felt a sharp pain assault my chest. She was gazing at me with not a single doubt in her eyes, but I couldn’t return that gaze.

“Rio-chan can be a bit clumsy and self-centered…but in reality, she gets lonely easily, and is a spoiled child…Kind enough to love her family this much. She’s a bit easy to misunderstand, but…knowing that she is with you, I can rest assured that you’ll make her happy.” As she spoke with a confident tone, she reached for me with her hand.

When I took that hand, she followed up with her other hand, enwrapping mine. Her hands were weak and without much strength, and yet she tried her best to grab my hand tightly.

“Thank you…I’m really grateful to you, Haru-kun.” While bowing her head, she said so. “You and Rio-chan getting married, showing me all of those pictures…I couldn’t be happier. Thank you so much…” I could see tears building up in the corner of Fumie-san’s eyes.

Together with her words, she pressed on my hand even stronger. At the same time, the pain assaulting my chest was starting to grow out of control.

“……”

I desperately tried to gulp down the words trying to break out of my throat. Stop, I screamed inside my heart. Stop it. There’s no meaning even if you do this. What do you gain from telling Fumie-san the truth? It’s just a means of running away, satisfying myself. I had decided to take this lie with me to the grave. Stop, don’t say it, don’t you dare—

“—I’m sorry.”

In the end, the words came out of my mouth nonetheless.

“Fumie-san…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

Even if my head understood that what I was doing was wrong, my heart wouldn’t listen. I couldn’t deceive this person any longer, after she showed such deep trust in us.

Now that I had opened my mouth, the words of apology and self-hate didn’t stop for a while. As if a dam inside me had broken, I told her of everything. About Rio’s and my short-timed relationship, how we broke up, and even—of this fake marriage. I told her about everything.

“—Fake…marriage…?” Having listened to the very end, Fumie-san looked baffled.

Like…she was unable to believe what she had just heard.

“…I’m so sorry that we deceived you like this.” I deeply lowered my head.

It wasn’t out of sincerity…I just couldn’t bring myself to look her in the face. I was scared to see a gaze of disappointment and disgust directed at me. Really…what am I doing? Even though we deceived everyone around us, even our own parents…Only Fumie-san I couldn’t bring myself to lie to. Her genuine words of happiness for us were too much for me. It felt like my insides were torn apart just thinking about betraying these expectations.

In the end, I did it all to deal with the guilt plaguing me. I should have prepared myself for this the moment I brought up the idea of a fake marriage. But…it’s all just half-baked.

“Haru-kun, please raise your head.” Fumie-san said.

After hesitating, I slowly did as I was told. I was scared to see her reaction, see her expression. Terrified that she would hate me…and yet.

“Thanks for telling me the truth, Haru-kun.”

What greeted me was a smile as warm as the rising sun. It was the same smile she showed me before—the smile I had seen for the past 15 years I had known her.

“I see…a fake marriage, huh. Recent youngsters do the weirdest things.”

“…Eh, um…Fumie-san?”

“Hm?”

“A-Are you not angry?”

“Angry? Why would I be?”

“I mean…” As I was at a loss for words, Fumie-san continued.

“I wouldn’t get angry because of that…Although, I have to say I’m a bit disappointed.”

“……”

“After all…I don’t think I’ll be able get my great-grandchild anytime soon.” She spoke with a jestive tone, keeping her gentle smile.

I was left bewildered. I had anticipated to be insulted and complained at, and yet Fumie-san was the same as before.

“Honestly speaking…I’m more satisfied than anything.”

“Satisfied…”

“Looking at the two of you today, it took me back to before. Do you remember? You often played marriage in our garden, with me being the pastor.”

“…I remember, yes.”

“I wonder why, but when I saw the two of you just now, it took me back to those days.” Fumie-san let out a snicker. “I see, so you two are still playing marriage.”

Playing marriage, a fake marriage…Rio talked about that before when she was acting to be drunk. Even though we’ve grown up compared to before, we’re still just playing. Only that we had gotten even worse than before.

“If someone forced this onto you, then I would have been the first to complain, but…you two decided on this yourself, right?”

“…Yes.”

“You decided to become happy together, right?”

“……Yes!” I nodded strongly.

Fumie-san’s gaze was gentle, warm, and also profound. It felt like she saw right through me, and yet was able to accept my everything. No matter what reason we may add to it, what kind of benevolent motive we put up, we’re still betraying the people around us. We’re hurting the people who genuinely congratulate us for the marriage.

And yet, this lie of us…is a lie so that everyone can become happy. For that, we chose this fake marriage. So that I could make myself, the people around us, and most importantly—Tamaki Rio happy.

“If it’s something the two of you decided on, then I won’t object.”

“……”

“I’m not even worried. After all…Rio-chan seemed really happy.” She said, and dropped her gaze on the photo album. “She looked delighted in all of these pictures. Of course, so did her face today. Since she can smile like that, I’m sure she’ll be fine, and I can guarantee that the path you’ve chosen isn’t wrong.”

“…!” I grit my teeth.

If not for that, I might have started crying any second. Fumie-san had seen through my own weakness and inexperience after deciding on pulling through with this, and yet decided to not say anything. She didn’t deny nor berate me, and simply accepted it. This kindness and warmth now sunk deeper into my wounded heart.

“Not to mention.” Fumie-san flashed a teasing smile. “People won’t be able to tell how much of a fake couple you are.”

“……”

“There’s many cases in this world where a proper couple to get married properly broke up not even a few years later…That’s why, it wouldn’t be weird for a fake couple to eventually become a real one.”

A real one…is that possible? Can you really turn calculations and facade, upon which this marriage is built, into true feelings of a real couple? As I grew silent, Fumie-san glanced over at the entrance of the room, and spoke up.

“…Hey, Haru-kun?” She opened her mouth. “How about we play marriage like before?”

“Eh…? R-Right now?”

“Yes. Right here, right now.”

“But…”

“Please. Just think of it as an old hag’s request.”

How can I say no now, god damn it.

“Just playing marriage is fine. A lie is fine, and so is acting, I just want to hear your feelings now, Haru-kun.”

“……”

“Mmm…Cough cough.” Fumie-san ignored my lack of response, and cleared her throat, doing some vocal warm-ups.

I think that Rio has this pushy attitude from her grandmother after all.

“Bridegroom Haru-kun, do you swear to love each other in sickness and in health, in richness and in poverty, with respect and affection?”

These words she spoke with tranquility and peace, they pulled me back to the past—15 years ago. I found myself in the Tamaki Household’s garden, together with Rio and Fumie-san. With handmade rings of white clover, we played marriage all the time. Back then, from the bottom of my heart, I believed that once we grew up, I would marry the girl I loved so much.

“—I swear.” I said. “To me, Rio is the most important woman in this entire world. Back then, and even now, that fact hasn’t changed. That’s why, no matter what might happen from here on out, I will swear right here that we will always keep walking forward together.”

Now that I actually said these words out loud, they came out much more easily than I would have expected, which left me confused. I know that this promise was pathetically vague, and yet—Fumie-san was listening in a satisfied manner.

That night, around 11pm.

“Well, I’m glad Fumie-san is feeling better. As long as things don’t get worse from here on out, she might be released soon, which is great.”

“………”

“She gave us the signature for the marriage registration as well, so let’s hand that in as quickly as possible. There’s only going to be more problems if we take our time.”

“……”

“Hey, Rio? Are you listening?”

“…Huh? Ah, yeah, I am. Right. I hope Hayashida soon finds somebody.”

“…You weren’t listening at all.” I let out a sigh.

She’s been like this ever since we got home. Like she’s above the clouds, not listening to me at all. Even after eating, or taking a bath, she’s been dazing out. Though to be more accurate, she’s been like this even as we were still out. The second she came back from buying a pen, something was off about her. Hmm…maybe something happened at the store?

“You really okay? Maybe you have a fever?”

“I-I’m fine. It’s nothing, everything’s okay, so…”

“If you say so…Then, good night.”

“Night.”

We said our goodbyes for the day, and I closed the door of the bedroom behind me. Even now, I’m sleeping in my own bed, whereas Rio is sleeping on a futon in the living room. The stance we had decided on when she first moved here, we still kept that until now. At first, my heart would race faster just by the mere thought of having Rio sleep in the room next to mine, which led me to a few sleepless nights, but…I’ve gotten used to it now.

After doing a few things on my smartphone, I covered myself with my blanket, and closed my eyes. As my consciousness started to drift away, and I was about to fall asleep—Creak, I heard the door open.

“Eh…? R-Rio?” Flustered, I pushed up my body from the bed.

Standing in the doorframe was Rio after all. She still wore her pajamas from before, looking at me with a restless gaze.

“What’s wrong? Something happened?”

“…H-Hey, Haru.” She spoke up with a voice quivering from her tension—holding a pillow in her hand. “Can we…sleep together today?”

❀

I didn’t know why I had said and done that. But, I am aware that I couldn’t hold back any longer. Ever since I heard Haru’s words in the hospital room, it felt like my feet weren’t touching the ground anymore. I felt restless, my heart all over the place…no way could I sleep in that state.

“……”

Once the two of us actually ended up laying next to the other, I realized how narrow the single-size bed really was. Haru was clearly hesitant, but he was forced to give up when I just pushed myself under the same blanket. Of course, as you could expect, we were facing away from each other, moved to the respective corners of the bed as far as possible. However, in this narrow bed, we soon reached the limit.

Because of the smallest movement, our bodies would touch…and each time, we’d twitch in shock. Seriously, what was I thinking…I can’t believe it. Why did I suddenly grow so bold? This is almost like I’m the one trying to invite him—

“…What were you thinking?” Haru muttered behind my back, seemingly desperate to keep his quivering voice under control.

It sounded like he himself was unsure how to feel about this.

“W-What, you have a problem with this?”

“A lot, actually…this is just weird. Why would you suddenly…”

“Um…Y-Yeah! This is skinship practice!”

“Practice…”

“There might be a time when Akino-san comes and forcefully stays over, right? If that happens, then she has to sleep in that futon, and the both of us in a single bed…That’s why, this is just practice for that pattern.”

“……”

“That’s it. That’s really all there is to it, so…”

I realized how desperate I became with trying to find an excuse. Since I can’t see his face, I don’t know if I really managed to deceive him or not. The reason I wanted us to sleep together—I don’t even know that myself. I just…couldn’t stop myself. For tonight, I wanted to be closer to him.

My heart was beating painfully strong, and my face felt uncomfortably hot. Inside my head, I heard Haru’s words from the hospital room over and over. Even though I know that he wasn’t serious with that, merely urged by Grandma…my heart isn’t convinced by just that.

Ahh, really…Why would you say something like that, Haru. It’s not fair. You’re not fair. I wanted to give up, decided to give up, decided to not get my hopes up again…But if you say something like that, my heart won’t listen.

“…A-Anyway, since this is practice, don’t get any weird ideas, okay?” I could only use these words to protect my honest feelings. “I’ll get angry if you touch me in any weird places, okay.”

“…I got it already.”

“No acting like you’re asleep to touch me weirdly, alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course, staring at me all night is forbidden as well.”

“Aye aye.”

“Also, no smelling me—”

“Enough already! So obstinate.” Haru let out an annoyed voice. “No need to worry, I won’t do anything. Let’s just sleep already.”

“…”

W-What was that about!? Why do you not care at all!? Also, obstinate!? Really!? Y-You’re sleeping in the same bed as me, your ex-girlfriend, and you don’t feel anything? You’re not agonizing over it!? Your heart is at a calm and stable beat rate?! I mean, it’s not like I’m expecting anything!

I know I was telling him exactly not to do anything, and I know it’s pathetic that I’m yet complaining about him showing no reaction, but do you really have to be this calm…!? Ahhhhhh…for crying out loud!

“……”

Really, what am I doing. Being conscious of him all on my own, getting excited all of my own. I feel like an idiot. I should have known after all. The words Haru said in the hospital room were only to satisfy Grandma. The only reason Haru and I got married is for the benefit of our families. He doesn’t feel anything special towards me. When I tease him and he grows flustered…it’s just because he’s not used to other women, and that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily conscious of me as one. I should have known this from the start…

“…Right.” I muttered to myself.

Frustrated, I couldn’t hold back the self-loathing.

“Even if I slept next to you, you wouldn’t do anything. You probably hate such a vulgar woman like me.”

“…Huh?”

“Even if we slept next to each other, you wouldn’t even bother laying your hands on me. You’re probably not even excited. I get it, I totally do…I’m sorry, you must have remembered what happened before. Having such a crude woman next to you must be nothing but a bother.”

“H-Hey…wait a second?” I heard Haru pushing up his body behind me, but I couldn’t turn around.

After all—Tears were running down my cheeks. Man, I really am the worst…Why am I crying now…!?

“What are you talking about? Vulgar, crude…where did that come from?”

“I mean…you think of me that way, right Haru?”

“Eh? You…what? No, I really don’t…” Haru sounded utterly baffled, but I couldn’t believe those words.

“That’s a lie.”

“I-It’s really not.”

“It has to be a lie.”

“I’m not lying. I never once thought of you that way.”

“Then, why—” I couldn’t take it any longer, turned around, and touched upon it.

Touched upon this dark past the two of us shared, that we both decided to ignore until now. I didn’t want to think about it, but the current me didn’t bother with this.

“Why—did you push me away back then?”

“……”

The room was dark, but since I got used to the darkness, I could clearly see Haru’s face, distorted with confusion and shock. Ahh…now I did it. I really messed up. I’m so pathetic. Just because I got denied a physical relationship…I’m now blaming him? If this was the opposite, and a man complained about being rejected like that, he’d get all sorts of complaints instead. He’d be called the worst. If a woman talked about that online, everybody would tell her to break up with him.

Just because it’s the opposite doesn’t make it any different. I’m so lame. Disgusting. It hurts. I can’t stand this. What am I doing?

“…So you’re talking about that?” After a brief silence, Haru uncomfortably opened his mouth. “What happened in your room…before we broke up, right…”

“Y-Yeah.”

“That’s…”

“…You don’t need to come up with any excuse. I’m not blaming you.” Scared of hearing his true feelings, I continued. “You must have been disgusted at me being so vulgar, right? Makes sense. Nobody would be comfortable with that…I’m sure you prefer more pure and calm girls rather than—”

“No!” Because of Haru’s frantic outburst, I raised my head.

He showed a troubled, and apologetic expression.

“You…You felt that way? No…no you’re way off…Ah, damn it…I made you feel that way?” Haru grit his teeth, ruffling through his hair in anger. “Anyway, you’re wrong. I’m not disgusted, and I don’t think badly of you.”

“T-That’s a lie. You’re definitely just being considerate of me…Just clearly say that you hate such an impulsive woman like me.”

“I’m not lying…Also, I don’t hate you at all.” Haru said, sincerity filling his words. “There’s no way any man…would hate to have an assertive girlfriend.”

“……”

“If anything…I was…h-happy. Knowing that it wasn’t just me who wanted to do that…made me happy. Only a bit though!”

“……”

He was happy? Happy that I felt the same way as him? So…Haru wanted to do it as well? He doesn’t hate assertive women…Huh? So wait?

“Then, why did you hate it that much?”

“…T-That’s…” Haru lowered his head.

Since I was waiting for his response, I was staring directly at him.

“T-Tell me. Why…”

“…You can’t laugh. Don’t laugh, okay?” He was starting to blush, and covered his face. “—I-It’s…because I came.”

I stared at him in disbelief.

“…Eh? Came?”

“……”

“Came…? What came…? Where?”

“Come on, there’s only one thing in this context…it’s that, okay?”

“That…?”

“Come on, get it please…There’s only one thing that can come out of a man…Because you suddenly touched me, that came out…” He started flushing like never before, trying his best for his voice not to break up.

I thought about it myself, and finally reached a conclusion.

“…~~~!?”

Eh!? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh!? That…is that!?

“…S-So…that liquid…what comes out when a man…finishes…?”

“…Yeah.”

“Back then…when I touched you, you came…?”

“……”

“Eh? I don’t…I don’t get it. It came out that easily? Isn’t that…something that comes at the climax? I only touched you a little bit…”

“~~! N-Not like I could help it!” Haru got angry at me instead. “I was in high school back then, you know? Fully in my youth…In my most delicate time. And, you were two years above me, a grown woman, with a super lewd body…”

“S-Super lewd body…!?”

“That woman is my girlfriend, really assertive, and is even letting me touch her breasts…All this stimulation was too much that I came…”

“……”

Even if he says it like it can’t be helped…I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. Is it really that hard to hold back? What do they call it…premature ejaculation? To those people who lack experience or don’t have any experience at all, they are much more sensitive towards any stimulation, and can’t hold back their ejaculation…I feel like I read about that online.

“Um, so then…” I spoke up.

I couldn’t help but put my imagination, my expectations, into words.

“The reason you were about to cry, and looked like you hated it that much is just because you actually finished…and not because you hated me?”

“…D-Don’t explain it all like that, you moron.”

“What’s up with that…You could have told me.”

“How could I!? Coming just because you touched me above my clothes…That’s just lame.” Haru grit his teeth. “I…I also felt like I needed to do something. You mustered up all that courage, and yet I failed miserably…But, I didn’t know what to say, how to make up…so then you called me, telling me that we should break up…”

I was the one who called him to break up a week after an awkward silence. After all, I thought he hated me. I figured that, before being rejected, if I rejected him first, it wouldn’t hurt as much.

“When you told me that we should break up…I thought that you started hating me. Makes sense, with how pathetic of a man I was…And, since I was scared that you might have found out about…that…I couldn’t say anything.”

“……”

Back then, Haru was under the assumption that I must have hated him. Afraid of being hurt even more, he couldn’t say anything—Basically, he was the exact same as me.

“I…was at my limit in a lot of ways. In front of you, I was so pathetic, and laughable…that I didn’t know what to do, and that just made me feel anxious…” He said.

The embarrassment must have been too much for him, as he didn’t even hold back with his tone.

“Are you even aware of how much I loved you back then?!”

“~~~!” I felt my heart skip a beat.

It was beating sharply, and yet made it feel numb from all the overflowing love coming from his words.

“…Ah, no…I’m just talking about the past! I used past tense!”

“I-I know!”

I know…I should know better, but…

“…Anyway, let’s end this conversation here. Everything that happened that day was my problem, so you don’t have to worry about it. That’s all, good night.” Haru forcefully cut the conversation, turned the other way, and stayed quiet.

I…was baffled. My head was still trying to catch up with reality. My thoughts were running wild, and all sorts of emotions started to grow rampant. Anger, frustration, regret, sadness…I had a lot of negative emotions, but…

“…Fufu.”

The biggest one—was relief after all. Something resembling reassurance, possibly happiness, filled my body. Ahh, I see. I wasn’t…rejected after all. He didn’t hate the idea of becoming one with me. I wasn’t the only one being selfishly excited, but Haru shared my excitement…or felt it even more than me to a certain degree.

“Ahaha.”

“…I told you not to laugh.” Haru complained, with his face turned away from me.

“Ah…sorry, you’re wrong. I wasn’t laughing because you’re a quickshot, it just happened.”

“………”

“Y-You don’t have to worry about it that much. You know…they say that copulation between chimpanzees only lasts for about five seconds, so compared to that…Well, you didn’t even last five seconds since you came the moment I touched it.”

“…You’re only hurting me with that, okay.”

He seemed dejected for real this time. Ugh…I don’t know what kind of follow-up I should provide here. I feel like no matter what I say here, it’ll only make things worse. Hence, I decided to not say anything, and instead laid down, covering myself with the blanket.

There, I glanced over at Haru, who was still facing the other way. He must be embarrassed to have his face seen by me. I used this as a chance to roll around, and gaze at his back. It was large, and wide, almost reassuring to look at. But, possibly because he was still down in the dumps, his back looked a bit curled up. For some reason—the more I looked at it, the more I longed for it.

“…Hey, Haru.” I spoke up. “If…if we went all the way back then…do you think we’d still be together?”

If we didn’t stop, and crossed that final line…or, if I hadn’t rushed things as much.

“…Hell do I know.” He stopped himself for a second. “Thinking about it won’t help…That story is already over.”

“…I see.”

That’s right. Just as he said, that story is already over. Because of a misunderstanding caused by our adolescence, our relationship came to an end. For other people, it might seem like nothing out of the ordinary, but for the two of us back then, it was more crucial than anything.

Back then, we had been more young and naive, inexperienced more than anything. The best we could do was to protect our own dignity, which led us to forget the part about properly facing the other person. But, no matter how we might regret it, we can’t turn back time. We can’t redo our own youth. Because it already ended. However…

“…We can just start again, right.”

“Eh…?”

“No, it’s nothing.” I said, and turned the other way.

If I were to look at Haru any longer than this, I probably wouldn’t be able to hold myself back.

Our story might have ended in a bad end. However, exactly because of this, we might be able to put a fresh start to a new one.