Ore Ga Suki Nano Wa Imouto Dakedo Imouto Janai Volume 10 Chapter 4

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The first step with their memories

*

“Yeah, stuff like that happened back then…” Onii-chan muttered to himself, reminiscing on our past, back to when we were small children.

His gaze looked distant, as if he missed how it was back then.

“We were always like that back then, weren’t we? I had completely forgotten. It honestly feels a bit unreal… Huh? Suzuka?”

However, that ended fairly quickly. He directed his gaze at me and his expression grew pale.

“W-What’s wrong? …Um, you know, I know that you might have clung to me a lot back then, but it’s not like I’m hoping for that now or anything. We were just kids back then, and our personalities were underdeveloped at the time, so of course we can’t take anything for granted, and it’s in no way related to the people we are now, okay?!”

“What kind of nonsense is this…?” I made an exasperated expression in response to Onii-chan, who was starting to come up with unreasonable and desperate excuses.

He most likely took my expression as one of irritation as I listened to him in silence. He probably thought that he had forced me to relive some embarrassing memories, and he was growing worried… Really, he can be so shortsighted at times, not looking at the bigger picture. Thinking about it makes me want to sigh yet again. I’m glad that he’s so worried about me, but there’s no need for it in the slightest.

After all, I really was glued to Onii-chan back then, so why would I feel embarrassed about that? And, although I can’t be open about it because of how shy I am now, my love for Onii-chan and my desire to always be with him hasn’t lessened in the slightest. That being said, I do understand that Onii-chan has the wrong idea about this. I must have been wearing quite the displeased expression as I listened to him. I can’t blame him for thinking that he must have angered me. This time it’s definitely my fault. However, I have a very specific reason for keeping my face looking like this.

If I relax my face for one moment, I feel like I’ll start grinning! Yes, you heard me right! I’m in constant danger of going “Ehehehe” at any moment! I…I can’t help it, can I?! Onii-chan is talking about our past together, all on his own! It was back when we had nothing to worry about and were able to act all lovey-dovey as much as we wanted. Onii-chan is thinking about that! That makes me remember the past as well, which makes me feel the urge to grin uncontrollably! I’ve been desperately trying to not let it show this entire time!

The time Onii-chan and I went to buy the book together.

The time I didn’t have any reason at all to stay with him, but he taught me anyway.

The time I started cooking just to make Onii-chan happy.

The time Onii-chan and I took a bath together and slept together.

Of course I remember all of that. That being said, when I heard him talk about these things, all the emotions I felt back then came gushing up to the surface. Back then, I really was blissful. I was able to stay with Onii-chan whenever I wanted, acting lovey-dovey the entire time… I think I could even refer to the time back then as ‘Heaven’. If I wanted to experience this sort of thing now, I’d have to make up another excuse to ‘collect data.’ Of course, there were some less-desirable things that happened, but I can’t help but be envious of the time back then, since that was our normal daily life.

Every day went down like this. There are tons of other memories like these. No matter how important, how vague or detailed they may be, I remember all of them.

—Ah, that reminds me. Maybe I shouldn’t only write down my lovey-dovey fantasies with Onii-chan. Maybe I should also write down actual events that happened back then? Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I will call them the ‘Records of being lovey-dovey with Onii-chan’! Naturally, I would never—under any circumstances, 100%, that I can assure you—forget any of my precious memories with Onii-chan. However, there might be a time when it will be necessary to have written records of our past, so I shall do that later…

“U-Um… Suzuka-san?”

“Huh?!”

Finally, probably since he was unable to bear the silence anymore, Onii-chan called out to me. That was close. I was so focused on this wonderful idea that I almost forgot to keep a straight face. Not good, not good. Also, this really isn’t the time to be dwelling on memories like this. I cleared my throat to rid myself of the awkwardness. Remember the problem at hand and deal with that. Indeed, I had a real reason behind asking Onii-chan to tell me about his memories. It wasn’t just so that I could relive memories from back when our relationship hadn’t been broken in two yet.

I wanted to know just Onii-chan thought of our relationship right before it became so awkward. I had to find out about that. I want to hear it from Onii-chan himself. If not, we won’t be able to move forward.

I want Onii-chan to understand why exactly I’m angry at him. However, he himself said that he doesn’t have any idea, and even begged for forgiveness. When he did that, I was forced to reevaluate my position. Was it really possible to have Onii-chan realize it himself? Also, what if Onii-chan already realizes it subconsciously, but just thinks his actions are normal. I was determined to get Onii-chan to tell me these stories of the past in order to find answers for my doubts.

And as it turns out, my doubts were unjustified. Onii-chan has absolutely no idea what I’m angry about. But I guess that can’t be helped. After all, Onii-chan really isn’t aware that he’s doing something bad—No, it’s more like he doesn’t even think it’s bad at all. After listening to Onii-chan tell me about the past, that much is obvious. Even if I wait for another hundred years, he’ll most likely never realize it on his own. No wonder we just talked past each other. Really, I only have myself to blame… That being said, this isn’t the time to act depressed.

“Um… so, is this fine? Or do you want to hear more?” Onii-chan asked with a slightly worried expression on his face.

He was hesitant, as he was gauging my reaction. The memories he brought up were all back from when we were as close as a pair of siblings as you could be. There wasn’t a single painful memory. There’s no doubt that the time back then was an irreplaceable, important part of my life. However, now—

“Suzuka…?”

I started blaming myself for not having realized earlier. I had no right to be angry. After being spoiled by Onii-chan’s kindness this entire time, I had taken it all for granted, but there’s no way I should be allowed to do so. Back when I was little, I blurted out ‘Onii-chan, you idiot!’ to his face without thinking about him at all. I deserved the poor relationship that followed afterwards. I’d inwardly cursed myself for what I did, but I never did anything to change.

I’m the biggest idiot here. I should have understood a long time ago that things might end like this. How foolish of me. However, there is one way I’ve grown better. I’ve acquired a strong desire to not let things end up the same way as before. I’ll never say ‘Onii-chan, you idiot!’ again. And, I won’t let myself indulge in self-hatred any longer, either. What’s important is that I don’t regret anything anymore.

I might just be the happiest person alive after being continuously spoiled by Onii-chan like this. I could just choose to ignore it and indulge in the same happiness as the memories he just told me about. But what would that get me? I finally realized it. This fake happiness would only lead to more of such painful memories. That’s why I have to move forward. I have to tell him my feelings. Even if that results in me losing everything. Once I stop seeing dreams, I can’t go back to them. That’s why… In order to make this dream a reality, I have to take this step forward.

…Onii-chan, I’m scared. So scared that I feel like breaking out in tears any second. I won’t stop anymore, though, so please catch me. And let’s take this first step together. This first step that will lead us both to true happiness…

*

“Onii-chan…”

Suzuka finally spoke. But something was definitely off. Huh. Something’s weird. It’s like the atmosphere around her has changed… I can’t really put it into words.

“I’m okay now with all these past stories. Back then, we were always close siblings, and I completely understand how you felt back then.”

“I-I see. I’m glad to hear that,” I nodded in consent, but I couldn’t say I was fully satisfied.

…Why would she bring that up, anyway?

“By the way, Onii-chan.”

While I was thinking that, Suzuka spoke up, fixing me with a determined gaze.

“Do you remember what exactly happened that caused us to drift apart so completely?”

“Eh? W-What do you mean?”

“I’m asking you for the reason for our broken relationship. The source of it.”

“Again, I don’t really remember much about that…”

“Then how long was it that the two of us were this close? Do you remember it suddenly changing at any point?”

I was a bit perplexed by her barrage of questions. How long were we that close? I know for sure that our relationship took a turn for the worse when I made Suzuka cry at some point. But what caused it, again? Also, was there really not anything else like that that happened before that one incident? Were we really that close all the time?

I had never really given it much thought, but now that I’m already thinking about the past, there might be something else I can remember.

“……”

“………”

I started silently pondering to myself, and Suzuka watched me without saying a word. Finally, something came to mind. A little while before I made Suzuka cry like that, I feel like our relationship had already turned a bit stiff… I think? No, it must have. Suzuka stopped saying “Onii-chan, Onii-chan,” as well. It was a time where I think there was a bit of distance between us.

But what caused it? We had been really close before, so how did our relationship turn sour? And how long ago even was it…?

“Ah…”

Thus, I finally remembered.

“That reminds me, we went to that amusement park once before. That “Itsukaen Wonderland” place, right? Back then, you got separated from us, so I went looking for you… and even after I found you, you still seemed angry at me…?”

“…So you remember that,” Suzuka replied calmly to my mumbling.

“So something really happened then…? I thought that I was just remembering things wrong.”

“You are not, Onii-chan.”

Since Suzuka told me I was on the right track, I tried digging deeper into my memories… A few days after we went to Itsukaen Wonderland, I feel like the relationship between me and Suzuka grew really awkward for some reason. Right after that, I made Suzuka cry and ruined our relationship.

“…But what exactly happened back then?”

“Do you not remember?”

“Y-Yeah, sorry…”

No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember. Did I make Suzuka mad somehow back then? Suzuka watched me for a few moments, but when I didn’t say anything else, she let out a faint sigh.

“Then, do you remember the reason why I was separated from the rest of the family?”

“Eh?” I was dumbfounded at her question.

The reason Suzuka got separated from us? Was this in some way related to why she was mad?

“N-No, I don’t remember.” I couldn’t think of anything, so I spoke honestly.

“It’s because you told me ‘Siblings can’t get married’, you know,” She said.

“……………Huh?”

“Judging from your reaction, it seems like you really don’t remember. Are there really no dots connecting in your head?”

“N-No, but… Ehhh?! M-Marry?! Why?!”

The topic of conversation suddenly became completely unbelievable, which left me flabbergasted. I-I mean, come on! We were talking about Suzuka getting separated from us at the amusement park, so why did marriage suddenly come up?! And marriage between siblings…?! This makes no sense!

“W-What kind of unbelievable story is that?!”

“Back then, it wasn’t unbelievable at all. Rather, it was more than expected.”

“Expected…?”

“I was always glued to you, Onii-chan, always saying how much I loved you, wasn’t I? You remember that at least, I hope?”

Yeah, I do. She would always come to me saying things like ‘Onii-chan, I love you!’ back then.

“It’s the same thing. I always said I wanted to become Onii-chan’s future w-wife, after all. And that’s what I wrote down in the essay, too.”

…A-Ah. Yeah, that’s right. Now that she mentions it, I remember reading and hearing about that all the time. I panicked a bit just now after hearing Suzuka say the word ‘marriage’ out of the blue, but conversations like this happened a lot when we were kids, so I should be used to it. Thinking back on it, I acted the same way towards Suzuka back then. I was more happy than surprised to receive this level of affection.

“Y-Yeah, now that you mention it, I feel like I just accepted it back then. We were kids, after all. Something like that happening nowadays is impossible, of course.”

“…………Yes, you’re right.”

…?! F-For some reason, I felt a shiver running down my spine just now! Also, why did her gaze turn so sharp all of a sudden…?

“…Haaah, yes, I said I would be marrying Onii-chan all the time back then, didn’t I?” Suzuka shook her head and continued. “That day was different. The day we went to the amusement park, I mean. I said the same thing as usual, that I would become Onii-chan’s wife. However, Onii-chan’s reaction was different.”

“How was my reaction different…?”

“You said ‘You can’t do that. Siblings can’t get married.’ Didn’t you?”

“……Eh?”

Of course, such a reaction was more than expected, and I wouldn’t even hesitate to say something like that now. But why would I say that back then, even though I had let it slide so many times before? Even though I was the one who had done it, I had no idea…

“When you said that, I was shocked. Before then, you always said that you’d definitely make me your wife. Back then, I always expected Onii-chan to stay true to this promise. You even said that it was a forever promise.”

Suzuka said this, and suddenly laughed as she remembered something.

“That reminds me, do you remember that thing you said back then? You said that it was a forever promise, but I added ‘Forever can also mean eternal, you know’ after that. You said you were impressed that I knew such a difficult word.”

“D-Did something like that happen?”

“Yes. And then you said ‘Alright, so it’s an eternal promise. No, more than a promise. It’s more like an oath. That sounds cooler, right? How about an eternal vow?!’, remember?”

“W-Wait, an eternal vow?!”

“Yes, that is the origin of my pen name: Towano Chikai.”

Suzuka said it like it was no big deal, but I had to keep my balance to not fall over from shock. I-I had no idea that her pen name originated from something like that… W-Wait, why would she use such a thing for a pen name…?

“But enough about that now.”

However, Suzuka swiftly abandoned that entire topic and started talking about the amusement park again.

“The problem was that I was utterly shocked by what Onii-chan said. Until then, you would always agree whenever I said that, but that time you didn’t… I was at a loss, and because I was unable to cope with that, I ran away.”

“So that’s why you got separated from us…”

“Yes. I ran away and got lost… Well, as you probably remember, you eventually found me. In the end, even though we went to the amusement park, we didn’t have much time to do anything, and we just ended up going home.”

“S-So that’s what happened..”

I can’t remember that at all. All I remember is that Suzuka got separated from us.

“Yes. I was really looking forward to going to the amusement park with Onii-chan, but all that was ruined because of me. Do you really not remember?”

“Not at all. I must have been so happy to have found you back then that I completely forgot about everything else.”

“…Is that so?” When I said that, Suzuka’s face looked sad for a second.

“So something like that happened, huh…?”

“Yes, it was a huge shock for me. However, the biggest shock came after that.”

“After that?”

“Yes. After we came home, I asked you about it. Why you would suddenly say something like that? I had to ask for your reason no matter what. What you said after that dumbfounded me.”

“…W-What did I say back then?”

“Just this one phrase: ‘Because it will make Suzuka unhappy’.”

The second I heard that, I felt my heart skip a beat. I remembered something. Well, I still don’t remember saying that to Suzuka, but I remember a memory a bit more distant from that. It was a rather unimportant conversation I had with a classmate back then. I don’t know how it went down in detail, but he told me the following.

—You can’t marry your little sister. I don’t really know why, but it will make her unhappy.

I doubt the classmate had any ill intentions with that, but most likely, I brought it up with Suzuka some way or another. Weirdly enough, I had completely forgotten about this conversation up until now… But I guess I was really bothered by that back then. It will make her unhappy. Just those few words stuck with me, and probably led to that response.

“Onii-chan?”

Seeing that I had suddenly turned quiet, Suzuka looked up at me inquiringly. I hesitated for a second, but I decided to tell her about what I was probably thinking about at the time.

“…Because that would make me unhappy?” Suzuka’s expression looked pained. “……I thought as much,” she muttered.

“You thought as much? About what?”

“No, I just thought that something was weird. Listening to you now, I finally understood that my guess wasn’t too far off.”

“And what guess would that be…?”

“A guess as to why Onii-chan suddenly started acting so different, almost completely opposite as to how he acted before.”

“Ahh, that was because of my conversation with the class—”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Suzuka quickly cut me off. “What’s important is how you felt back then. When your friend told you that, and you started thinking that you’d make your little sister unhappy if you were to marry her. …So that was the reason.”

It sounded like Suzuka was repeating the words to herself. Her expression looked serious, and I could almost feel a faint mirth radiating from her.

“It seems like my intuition was on point…”

“W-What do you mean?”

“…The thing is, back when that happened, I had a vague notion that maybe you said that for my sake. And, hearing you now, it seems like I was right. It’s not just about the amusement park thing. I felt the same thing when I asked you to tell me about the past. That you were always prioritizing me at all times.”

“Y-Yeah…”

Being told this straightforwardly by Suzuka, I could feel my face start to burn up. Now that she mentioned it, it was pretty obvious, but I was never really aware of it. I never really had consciously thought about it.

“That is why I am angry.”

“Eh?”

The words that Suzuka followed up with blew all my embarrassment away.

“Do you understand what I’m talking about, Onii-chan?” Suzuka asked me, her eyes gazing straight at me.

However, my head couldn’t keep up… This is why she’s angry? All of this was related to that?

“From the looks of it, you still don’t understand.”

Seeing me fall into silence, Suzuka softly snickered.

“I really wanted you to understand. That was why I was acting all sulky, but it really was just a childish act, wasn’t it?”

Suzuka apologized, but I was lost as to what kind of response to make.

“Thinking about it, there’s no helping it if you don’t understand.I just had my own misunderstanding, after all. I had no idea that you weren’t even aware of what you were doing wrong.”

“W-What are you talking about?”

Suzuka didn’t respond. She just continued.

“Back then, I had no idea, and even a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to guess. But, I still had a vague notion, a vague feeling of discomfort.”

“A feeling of discomfort…?”

“Yes. To be more precise, I felt like something was off. Do you know what was off?”

“N-No.”

“I wasn’t happy at all. Weird, right?” Suzuka said, almost as if ridiculing herself. “Think about it, Onii-chan. You always prioritized me over anything and anybody else. Whatever I wanted, you would try your utmost to give it to me. You would put up with whatever selfish whim I had. It was my ideal environment. How could I not want to live in such bliss?”

But still—

“For some reason, I barely felt any happiness. Some uncomfortable, hazy feeling was left inside my chest, not allowing me to truly feel happy. Thinking that Onii-chan couldn’t enjoy his trip at the amusement park just because of me only worsened that feeling,” Suzuka spoke with a quiet voice, but I could feel her determination behind it.

Her hand formed a fist, and it almost looked like he was shaking… or was that just my imagination?

“Ever since, I was unable to stay with Onii-chan like before. I was unable to be honest. I didn’t know what to do back then, and I felt conflicted.”

“…So that’s why it felt so awkward back then…”

“Yes. I was unable to deal with these feelings. That being said, I still loved Onii-chan just as much. I tried to forget these feelings, and tried to slowly fight to get our previous relationship back. Until that incident.”

These last words of hers echoed in the room.

“That incident…?”

“You said that the reason our relationship turned out this bad was because you made me cry, right?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“But you don’t remember what exactly you did to make me cry in the first place, do you?”

“…Exactly, I don’t remember at all. It must have been me being an idiot again—”

“You’re wrong,” Suzuka shook her head as she denied my assumption. “You’re wrong, Onii-chan. It’s true that I was crying, but definitely not because of Onii-chan… It was entirely my fault.”

“Eh? W-What do you mean?” I asked.

Suzuka hesitated for a second, but started her explanation. “Back then…”

It happened on a day where we were getting close to returning to our normal relationship. Back then, Suzuka had just started cooking herself, and was helping with the household duties. Our mother was delighted to see Suzuka helping around the house, and she gladly taught her a lot. One day, Suzuka was busy cleaning the guest room. Our parents had just started getting busy, so Suzuka wanted to lessen the burden on our mother, so she was secretly helping with the cleaning.

Thanks to her innate skill, and our mother’s thorough training, Suzuka had gotten quite skilled at this sort of thing, and was able to handle her own. She was excited, hoping that she’d be praised by our parents, and myself as well, of course.

However, on that day, an accident happened. In this very guest room, our old man had a rather precious plate on exhibit. I didn’t really know the exact details, but it seemed to have been a really expensive one. Suzuka herself was very much aware of that, and had carefully cleaned the room, but she happened to accidentally bump against where it was kept, and it had fallen to the ground, shattering into pieces.

Naturally, Suzuka panicked. There was no way she could pay him back for such an expensive plate. She tried fixing it, but immediately realized that it wouldn’t work. Not knowing what to do, Suzuka grew anxious. She was scared of being yelled at, and she felt guilty for cleaning the room without permission. Her head turned into a mess.

“And then, Onii-chan came.”

I apparently heard the noise and came over to find Suzuka crying in the guest room. It seemed that I was pretty desperate to have her stop crying. Finally, after it was clear that she wouldn’t be able to get the words out, she pointed at her feet. There I saw the shards of the plate she broke, and I finally understood what had happened.

“I prepared myself for a lecture from Onii-chan. However, your next words completely took me by surprise.”

“It’s okay.”

Apparently, I gave an immediate answer.

“It’s okay, Suzuka. I’ll do something about it.”

Suzuka heard that, but she didn’t understand what I was talking about at first. She slowly lifted her downcast head, only to be greeted by my smile. I kept telling her that everything was fine, as I put my hand on her shoulder.

“Leave it to me.”

Our old man eventually came home, and I immediately took the blame. I was scolded quite fiercely instead of Suzuka. I became her scapegoat. Suzuka for her part watched me from the shadows, and, once the lecture was over, she hurried to my side.

“See? All good.” I told her with a smile.

Truth be told, I was probably close to breaking out in tears back then, but I still managed a smile as I softly stroked Suzuka’s head.

“With that, the plate incident is over, so stop worrying, Suzuka. That’s what you told me, Onii-chan.”

“D-Did something like that happen? I don’t remember it at all…”

I really tried remembering it, but to no avail. Maybe my dad’s lecture was so intense that I had intentionally erased it from my memories? …W-Well, that aside, since Suzuka says it happened, the only thing I can do is believe her. So I was scolded because I became Suzuka’s scapegoat…

Still, good job, past me! I would do the exact same now. Well, there was no other choice back then, was there? Even if I time-leaped back to that time, I’d still do the same thing again. I guess I can manage to be a reliable older brother when I put my mind to it, huh?

“I see~ So that’s how that ended, huh?”

Satisfied by my past choice, I nodded to myself. I was a bit surprised that an incident like that had happened back then, but it all ended safely… Wait, no? Why are we talking about this, then? Shouldn’t that have been the end of it?

“The incident wasn’t over after that.”

As if to answer my doubts, Suzuka spoke up.

“The real problem happened afterwards.”

“W-Why? Did the old man find out?”

“…Not quite. Back then, Onii-chan also regarded this incident as being taken care of… But that wasn’t true for me.”

“…Eh?”

“Of course, I understood that the incident with the plate was done with that. Onii-chan was scolded in my stead, and your kindness made me happy… Just as always, we could go back to the days before, where I was spoiled by Onii-chan.”

That’s what I was thinking too, but Suzuka continued.

“At that time, an uncertain feeling started to build up inside of me. Back then I didn’t know what it was. It was running wild inside my chest, leaving my head in confusion. Before I realized why, I had already screamed out those words.”

Onii-chan, you idiot!

“S-So that’s…” I was perplexed.

These were the words still glued in my memories, and they still didn’t sit well with me. It was the moment that had driven a wedge into our previous relationship.

“W-Why? Didn’t you say that because I made you angry? Why would you say that after what happened before?!”

I don’t get it. Weren’t we just talking about me taking the blame for Suzuka breaking the plate?

“I had no idea myself.” I was completely lost, and Suzuka continued, “I myself was lost as to why I would say something horrible like that. Even though I should have been thankful, I ended up saying the exact opposite… But I finally understand why. Do you understand, Onii-chan?”

“N-No…”

“Because this mysterious feeling and emotion that plagued me back then just recently came back up again.”

My heart skipped a beat when I heard that.

“It was the same emotion I felt when you announced you would be turning down the grand light novel prize. It was anger. Rage. It’s the same thing I felt back then.”

“S-So you were angry at me? Just like back then? B-But why?”

“I have two reasons. First, anger towards myself. For my failure and that I forced Onii-chan to take the blame for me.”

“N-No, wait. It’s totally normal for an older brother to take the blame for his little sister and protect her. I must have just been thinking the same thing back then. There’s no need to be angry at yourself about it—”

“The other reason…” Suzuka didn’t let me finish my sentence.

Even now, her face looked close to breaking out in tears, but she tried her hardest to keep a straight face.

“Anger towards Onii-chan.”

“…Eh?”

“What you said just now is the very reason I am angry at you.”

W-What I said just now…?

“You would always prioritize me over yourself, no matter how much misfortune or unhappiness it would bring you. You were always smiling, even if it was fake.”

“W-What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything!” Suzuka suddenly screamed at me. “Why would you just readily accept things like that for my sake! How can you still smile after that?! That’s… That’s…”

Suzuka started venting all her bottled-up feelings at me.

“How could I just accept that?! That just means that I’m the one causing Onii-chan unhappiness and sorrow!”

“Y-You’re wrong!”

“I’m not wrong!” Suzuka shook her head like a spoiled child. “That is what I was thinking back then! It was unclear until a while ago, but now it all makes sense! This emotion I have inside my chest right now is the same as I had back then! I’m stealing away Onii-chan’s happiness! I’m bringing Onii-chan misfortune!”

“Yes, that’s right!” Suzuka continued. “I can finally put that past emotion into words! Seeing Onii-chan smile at me, sacrificing his happiness for me… Because I was unable to do anything, it resulted in this rage building up inside of me! And it’s happening again! Because you’re my stand-in, you turned down the light novel grand prize! You’re throwing away your dream of debuting as a light novel author for my sake! Just how am I wrong here?! In the past, and even still, you’re sacrificing your happiness for my sake!”

Suzuka finished her monologue and stood there breathing heavily. I, on the other hand, was left at a complete loss.

…I’m sacrificing my happiness for Suzuka?

…Suzuka is taking away my happiness?

…In the past, and even now…? That’s just…!

I was lost. Absolutely lost. But I knew that I had to disagree in some way.

“Again, you’re wrong about that! It’s a misunderstanding!”

“I am not wrong, nor is it a misunderstanding!”

“You are! I have never once said that I wasn’t happy, or that I was sacrificing my own happiness for you, you know?!”

“…! Yes, that’s right! That’s why I am so angry at you, Onii-chan!”

“Why?!”

“Because you aren’t even aware of it!” Suzuka pointed her index finger at me. “You’re making yourself the victim for my sake and sacrificing yourself! But you’re not even aware of it!”

“Wha?! I mean, how can I be aware of it if it isn’t even true?! Doesn’t that mean that I’m perfectly fine with it?!”

“You’re wrong!”

“I’m not!”

“That isn’t proof of anything! You’re just not aware of it, or you’ve just subconsciously accepted it!”

“Then it should be fine if I’m okay with it, right?!”

“Of course it’s not fine!” Suzuka immediately disagreed with me.

“W-Why?! I myself am saying that I’m fine with it! Why won’t you take my word for it?!”

“Even if Onii-chan is fine with it, I am not! I can’t accept this! Why won’t you understand?!” Suzuka glared at me.

Behind her sharp gaze, I felt a certain uneasiness, which left me unable to respond. However, I can’t back down here. Even if it’s Suzuka, I won’t waver.

“…Hey, Suzuka.”

I took a deep breath to calm myself down and chose my words carefully.

“Why can’t you just accept this…? This is my own problem, right? So if I say it’s fine, then you shouldn’t have any right to talk back, do you?”

“That’s not true!”

However, Suzuka still stayed as emotional as before—

“This isn’t just Onii-chan’s problem! It’s just as important to me!”

“Why is your problem, then?”

“Onii-chan is just accepting these sorrows for my sake!”

“Again, that’s—”

“And you aren’t aware of it at all! How often do I have to say it?! You’re making yourself the victim for my sake! Please become aware of that!”

Even if you say that, I can’t suddenly become aware of anything I don’t actually feel. Or so I wanted to say, but that would just repeat the same cycle again, and I know most of all that Suzuka won’t be satisfied at this rate.

“…Fine.”

Thus, I decided to stop arguing for now. Though of course I wasn’t planning on backing down. I never once felt this sorrow and unhappiness that Suzuka keeps mentioning. Neither in the past nor right now. Even if I have to give up the light novel grand prize and my dream, I never once thought that it was Suzuka’s fault. Never once have I felt like having drawn the short end of the stick. But if Suzuka won’t accept that, then I have to keep going until she does. As honestly as I can.

“I get it already. You’re just assuming that I’m doing all of this for your sake.”

“I’m not assuming anything, it’s the truth.”

“Just listen, okay… So let’s just say that it really brings me misfortune. Even so, I can still accept that fate without any second thought.”

“W-Why?!”

“Because I am your older brother,” I gave an immediate response.

Just honestly tell her.

“Since I’m your older brother, I’ll always prioritize you, my little sister, and I’ve never once doubted this. That’s why I’m perfectly fine.”

“T-That’s…! Even if you can accept it, I can’t just…!”

“Please. Can’t you do something about that? It makes perfect sense for an older brother to protect his little sister—” I took a quick pause, taking a deep breath before I continued. “Suzuka, you are my precious little sister.”

“Wha…!” Suzuka’s face quickly turned bright red.

She swallowed her breath and put one hand on her mouth as she started fidgeting nervously. Well, I know that what I said was really embarrassing. But I can’t help it. In order to have Suzuka understand, the only thing I can do is tell her my true feelings. Even if I make myself the victim for Suzuka’s sake, there is something even more important than that.

I want to make my little sister, Suzuka, happy. I know I’m not wrong to prioritize her. That’s why—

“Can you take my word for it?”

Please. You have to understand where I’m coming from.

“…Uuuuu… uuuuuu!”

Suzuka’s face was still as red as before, and she was letting out weird noises. She formed fists with her hands, desperately trying to hold herself back… That being said, I could only wait for her response.

“…I…”

“You what?”

“I can’t forgive this…!”

“Ehhh?!”

This isn’t the reaction I was hoping for!

“Y-You can’t forgive me…?! Doesn’t that raise the hurdle a little too high?!”

D-Did I anger her yet again? Did she start thinking that I’m disgusting because of what I said?!

“T-That’s not it…!” Suzuka spoke up with a downcast expression. “I can’t forgive myself…! Calling me your precious little sister… saying that protecting me is your priority… I can’t allow myself to feel this happy…!”

“…Eh?”

“I-I’m happy…! I’m happy to know that Onii-chan thinks of me in that way…! Because of that happiness, I…!”

“I-I see…”

Seeing that Suzuka was this moved by my words, I felt my own face starting to burn up as well. Silence filled the room for a short moment, until—

“…However.”

Eventually, Suzuka spoke again.

“However, Onii-chan… I still can’t accept this. And I can’t forgive myself for having almost accepted this. I was about to go back to being spoiled by Onii-chan’s kindness…”

“…Why? Just let yourself be spoiled. I’m your older brother, and you’re my little sister. What’s wrong with that?”

Suzuka shook her head.

“I can’t… Because…”

“Because why?”

“Because…! Where is your own happiness in all of this?!” Suzuka jumped up, closing in on me. “I’m really happy that you always make me your top priority…! Just hearing you say that makes me happy…!”

“But…” Suzuka continued.

“But even if I’m happy, what about Onii-chan himself…?! You’re just disregarding your own happiness for my sake! I just can’t…!” Suzuka’s expression turned pained again.

Suzuka is in the right to feel that way. But…

“Suzuka.”

I already have an answer for that as well. All I have to do is voice that answer.

“It’s fine. My little sister’s happiness… is my own happiness.”

“I can’t accept that!” Yet again, she started screaming. “Something idiotic like that cannot be fine!”

“It is.”

“It’s not!”

“It is.”

“Will you give it a rest already, Onii-chan?! Right now, you are throwing away your dream of a lifetime just for me! What kind of happiness will result from that?!”

“………That’s what it means to be an older brother.”

It’s true I had always dreamed of becoming a professional light novel author, and I worked hard for it all these years. But I’m ready to throw that away. Both for the sake of the actual novel, as well as my duty as Suzuka’s stand-in, I had to do this. All for Suzuka.

It’s true that, in a certain sense, I sacrificed my own happiness, so what Suzuka is saying isn’t wrong by any means. That being said, I still am perfectly fine with it. Seriously, I think of Suzuka’s happiness as my own, and would do anything to preserve that. After all…

“That’s what an older brother is.”

I repeated myself, telling her my deepest thoughts. I’m the older brother, and Suzuka is the little sister. That’s all there is to it.

“………”

Suzuka went silent upon hearing my conclusion. It looked like all the tension in her body disappeared, almost as if she had finally relaxed.

“Is… that so…?”

Still, I felt a kind of conviction still coming from her. The fire in her eyes wasn’t gone. Her eyes were still just as beautiful, just as sharp, though a bit sad and damp. But, there was a faint glimmer in the depths of them. Almost like she had prepared herself for something.

“Onii-chan.”

She opened her mouth, and took a short breath.

“Onii-chan, you’re selfish,” she said without hesitation. “Let me say it again. You are selfish, Onii-chan.”

“………”

“You said you prioritize my happiness over your own, right?”

“…I said that, yeah.”

“But you don’t even understand what my happiness consists of. Do you really think a little sister would be happy to watch her older brother hurt himself for her sake?”

“That’s…”

“Right now I’m not happy at all. Watching Onii-chan sacrifice himself, giving up on your precious dream, and still smiling like always… How could I be happy with this?”

Suzuka forced herself to stop the tears from streaming out, and continued talking.

“…Onii-chan, is it that bad for a little sister to wish for her older brother’s happiness? Even if it makes you feel sadness, is it all fine as long as your little sister is happy?”

“…Sorry,” I could only apologize.

But I couldn’t back down from this. I know what Suzuka is trying to tell me. I can understand her selfless attitude. But I still can’t accept it. After all—

“Because Onii-chan is an Onii-chan?”

“Exactly.”

After all, I had already arrived at this conclusion. It was unrelated to logic and reason, yet it still held the highest value for me. It was the one thing I never wavered from.

“…Sorry, Suzuka,” I apologized yet again, knowing full well that a simple apology wouldn’t patch things up.

But I felt like this was all I could do. It’s all I ever could do. Again, it’s not something logical. It’s more like a truth implanted deep in my brain. If I threw this away, it would be the same as throwing myself away.

“…………Fufu.”

In the midst of the silence, Suzuka giggled. But her smile was tainted by grief.

“Onii-chan still hasn’t changed. Not at all from back then… You are still the same Onii-chan I called an idiot back then.”

“…Is that so?”

“Yes, it is. You’ve stayed the same Onii-chan as always. You’re too kind for your own good. You’re a completely helpless Onii-chan… And the same is true of me. Even now, I don’t know how to handle this situation. I don’t know what to do as a little sister who’s supposed to be spoiled by her Onii-chan…”

“…I don’t really get it, but I’m totally fine with it. No matter what you say, I have no plan on deviating from this.”

“…It figures. Onii-chan is amazing, after all. Normally, you aren’t all too reliable. You’re helpless, lazy, and someone I have to take care of the entire time.”

“W-Well, sorry about that…”

“…But there’s something deep inside you that I can’t change no matter what I say or do, and I kind of admire that…”

“…Sorry.”

Is this me being selfish, I wonder? I ended up hurting Suzuka because of my selflessness. But even so, my values won’t change. Because they make me the person I am now.

“…I don’t mind, so don’t apologize. I’ve given up.”

“So you finally understand?”

“Yes. You will never change, Onii-chan. You are the same Onii-chan as ever. You prioritize your little sister above everything else. Even if you make yourself the victim, and even if your own little sister tells you to stop.” Suzuka spoke as if she was talking to herself.

Watching Suzuka, I felt bad for making her go through this, but I was also relieved… for only for a second.

“However.”

But her next words caught me off-guard.

“Just like how Onii-chan will not change, the same is true of me. I still can’t forgive you for doing something horrible like that.” Suzuka lifted her head and looked straight at me.

The sadness in her eyes disappeared, and she looked at me with determination.

“No matter what you say, I won’t change. However, I understand that what I say won’t change anything anymore.”

“That’s why…” Suzuka gulped.

“That’s why… I have to take the first step, yes.” Tightly pressing her fist against her chest, Suzuka grew quiet.

Her expression was something I had never seen before. It was a crying, yet also smiling face. It was anxious, yet also relieved.

“Onii-chan.”

“Y-Yes.”

The strong force emanating from her words left me stumbling for a reply.

“Onii-chan, nothing will ever change, will it?”

“W-What do you mean?”

“You’ll sacrifice your own happiness for mine. But from that point onwards, you were already mistaken.”

“What are you on about?”

“You don’t even know where my own happiness comes from,” Suzuka said in a sharp tone. “I decide my own happiness. Don’t just decide what makes me happy, Onii-chan.”

“…Then tell me what makes you happy.”

“Let me tell you. I’m happy as long as Onii-chan is happy himself.”

“Eh?” My eyes opened wide.

“I’ll say it as many times as it takes. My happiness is seeing Onii-chan happy. In order to make me happy, you have to become happy yourself first.”

“W-Wait a second! I don’t get why my happiness would be—”

“Is that bad?”

Suzuka yet again cut me off. Having lost my train of thought, I could only mutter what came to mind.

“N-No, it’s not bad or anything… But then that means—”

“Yes, you are still the same Onii-chan as ever.”

As if the complete opposite of my own confusion, Suzuka spoke calmly. Almost as if she had anticipated my response from the very beginning.

“Let’s say that you prioritize my happiness. But I think that Onii-chan’s happiness is my own. With the two of us only thinking of each other… Who will you prioritize now, Onii-chan?” Suzuka asked.

So that’s what it boils down to. Truth be told, I still can’t see how Suzuka prioritizes my happiness and thinks of it as her own. No, she’s probably telling the truth here. Lying here wouldn’t do her any good, and she wasn’t the type of person to lie to begin with. I know that more than anyone. Basically, she really is putting my happiness first.

…I’m seriously happy about that. There’s no doubt about it, a great little sister like her is totally wasted on me. I don’t know why she would suddenly bring that up, but it means I have only two choices here.

The happiness of making Suzuka happy.

Suzuka’s happiness of making me happy.

But the answer had been decided from the beginning. I’m her older brother, and Suzuka is my little sister. This fact will never change. This is just me asserting my role as an older brother now. Sorry, but please put up with it.

“Suzuka.”

“Yes.”

“I think that older brothers exist in order to protect their little sisters. That is a fact of nature. So… I’m sorry, but I have to go with my instincts here. I’m happy you feel this way, but I can’t abandon my duty of being an older brother.”

“I see. I understand.”

“Eh?”

Suzuka simply agreed without hesitation, and it threw me off big time. What’s happening now?

“I understand that you see it as your duty as an older brother, but I still wish for your happiness.”

“But that’s—”

“I am not saying this as a little sister anymore.”

Her words had a completely different tone to them from before. Suzuka was wrapped in a different atmosphere from before.

“I-I… I’m not hoping for Onii-chan’s happiness because I’m your little sister…!”

She spoke with a meek, feeble voice, but I didn’t pay that too much mind. I just listened attentively to hear what she would say next. Her cheeks were red. So was the rest of her face, with tears were building up in her eyes. She looked like she was in pain. Like she was suffering. Still, she turned her eyes towards me, determination practically radiating from her.

“I-It’s because… you are the most important person to me in the entire world!”

“…Eh?”

And—

Suzuka swallowed her breath, putting both her hands in front of her chest as if she were praying. Her eyes closed slowly, and the words followed. The words that would completely change our destiny.

“I… I… love you, Onii-chan…”