Kurasu no Daikirai na Joshi to Kekkon Suru Koto ni Natta Volume 6 Chapter 4

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Feelings

Inside the dimly-lit bedroom, Akane and Saito laid down in their bed as always. The heat of the sleepover had vanished, and only the sound of their feet rubbing against the sheets filled the otherwise quiet room. Even though she had kept her eyes closed for a while now, Akane was unable to fall asleep, so she rolled around towards Saito.

“…Saito, are you asleep?”

“No.”

Saito didn’t seem too tired, either. To Akane, it felt like it had been half an eternity since they talked like this. She didn’t want to let this chance fall out of her hand, so she asked Saito a question.

“What’s your family like?”

“What do you mean?” Saito showed a dubious reaction.

“Like, what kind of child you were, how you spent your life with your Mom and Dad, and all that.”

“Are you curious about my personal life or something?”

Receiving such a straight question threw Akane off concept, as her body started to burn up. That was exactly the case, but she was too flustered to admit that.

“N-Not at all! I don’t care what you’re doing or where! I was just asking because I couldn’t sleep!” The moment she finished her sentence, she immediately regretted it.

She always reacted like this. She had no problem showing her affection to Himari or Maho, but Saito was, as always, the exception.

“Then there’s no need to tell you.”

“B-But, I…”

I want to know more about you—That was the one sentence she could not utter.

“It’s nothing interesting. Doesn’t even have any value to pass the time.” Saito turned his back towards Akane.

It was the same as with Himari. A translucent but sturdy wall that blocked Akane off. No matter how much she may wish to break it down, Saito as a human being felt so far away.

—Would he have told Himari…if she had asked?¹

Akane thought to herself as she gazed at Saito’s silent back.

Akane figured that Shisei, who had spent the longest time with Saito out of everyone, would probably have the most information about him. With that decided, she looked for a time when Shisei was alone, but…that chance rarely came. At school, Shisei would usually float around Saito at all times, and when he wasn’t with her, she was instead surrounded by a group of her fans. Shisei’s popularity was on the same level, if not bigger, than Himari’s. And since Akane didn’t have any time to waste, she opted for a more unorthodox approach.

In other words—she’s gonna abduct her. She spotted Saito reading a book in the courtyard, with Shisei rolling around next to him. Neither of them showed any caution to their surroundings, so Akane snuck up to them. She stretched out her hand from behind the bench, lifting up Shisei’s body.

“Broth—”

Shisei tried to scream for help, but it was too late. Akane had a madeleine ready and steaming that she stuffed right into Shisei’s mouth, which instantly stopped all of her resistance. Instead, she stuffed her cheeks and turned into a human-sized hamster. Knowing Shisei, Akane had it easy to make up this plan. And from then on, she knew exactly what to do. She took Shisei to the nearby thicket.

“Shisei-san, I have something to ask of you.”

“Mnom…Madeleine…Mnom…” Shisei wasn’t even done eating, and yet she already stretched out her hand asking for more.

“I’ll get you plenty of a reward.”

“Then Shise will tell you whatever you want to know. What is it? The password to the Houjou Group’s safe. Maybe you need a genetic map to reach the secret bio-weapon developed by us?”

“I don’t want to know about anything scary like that!” Akane shivered in terror.

If she found out too much, she would fear that the Houjou Group would hunt her down. Then again, she might already be part of that group at this point.

“Then…what?” Shisei tilted her head.

Akane awkwardly put her hands together, fidgeting in shame and embarrassment.

“W-Well…I was hoping…you could tell me some things about Saito.”

“…So you would like to get the cross-section view of Brother’s internals.”

“Not at all! I want to know more about his family, and what he was like when he was younger!”

“Oh, hoh. You’d like to know more Brother? That makes Shise happy.” Shisei muttered as she accepted another madeleine.

She was chomping away at them at a speed Akane grew worried about if she even had enough for a reward.

“Happy? Why?”

“Shise would feel bad for Brother if he had to live the rest of his life with someone who held no interest in him. Now that you’re married to him, you have the duty of making him happy.”

“The duty of making him happy…”

Akane never once thought about that. They were mortal enemies that were forced to get married to each other, and they were too busy as-is just constantly getting into fights to even think about anything else. However, that was something she had to think about eventually. In fact, Saito at one point said he wished for Akane’s happiness. And although it might not look like it, he was probably working towards that, too.

“Shise has embarrassing stories and cool stories. Which would you prefer?”

“Embarrassing, I guess?”

If she heard how cool Saito was even more than she already knew, she might just not be able to stay calm around him. Any more than this, and things would be even more awkward at home. Shisei stretched out her legs and began talking.

“A long long time ago, when the Gods had barely begun descending upon this earth, there existed one Brother.”

“Is he that old?!”

Shisei was speaking of the beginning of the entire world, which didn’t exactly match up with the age Akane thought Saito was.

“A long time ago, Brother would often come to Shise’s house to eat food, and Gramps would regularly drag him to traditional restaurants. One day, Shise was away to her father’s country, and since Gramps was busy, too, nobody could look after Brother.”

Akane felt like she guessed the ending of this story.

“Let me guess, you found him collapsed because he didn’t eat anything when you got home, right?”

“Not at all. He bought several kilos of sugar, piling that up, and was eating that every day. ‘Look, Shise, if you want to stack up on calories, this is the best thing to eat,’ he said with a confident grin. He, in fact, had also lost a lot of weight because of that.”

“That’s not an embarrassing story, it’s a horror story!” Akane felt a shiver run down her spine.

“Shise’s mother scolded him and said to look after his food intake, and that’s when he stopped using sugar as a supplement for a regular dinner.”

“Why is he this indifferent when it comes to food, anyway? Vegetable juice, cup ramen, protein shakes, it’s all he cares about.”

“He doesn’t particularly like it. His parents simply never prepared any proper food for him. He’s not used to eating a normal meal.”

“That’s…”

This took Akane back to when she first cooked for Saito. Back then, he called it normal, which didn’t sit right with Akane. But maybe…he never had gotten a chance to try homemade cooking before. And that even calling it normal was something special to him.

“…What kind of people are his parents?” Akane asked, to which Shisei furrowed her eyebrows.

It wasn’t much, but there was a clear change in her expression. And this expression emphasized—loathing and hate.

“They’re average people. The worst kind of people. People filled with jealousy. They’re not living beings worthy of being parents. Shise won’t see them as human beings. If Brother gives the green light, Shise will remove them from the face of this earth immediately.”

“I-I see…”

Akane shook in fear. Normally, Shise rarely showed her feelings. She might seem cute on the outside, but besides this faint glimpse, there was no telling what whirlpool of aggressive emotions was going rampant inside of her small body. And because she rarely showed this, it made it even more terrifying.

“Shise has put her hope in Akane. That the one who could give Brother a true ‘home’ isn’t Shise herself, or her mother, or even Gramps…but that’s you, Akane.”

“What do you mean…?”

Shisei didn’t answer Akane’s question.

“If you can’t give him that, then you failed. And, Shise won’t accept you as the person who’ll be with Brother. If that time were to come, Shise will take Brother back.” Shisei looked directly at Akane, as immense pressure emitted from her small body.

She wouldn’t dare let anybody else talk down on her, or speak against her opinion. She was born as a queen, and just like Saito, she was a ruler who stood above others.

“Shise? Where are you?” Saito’s voice reached the two, so Shisei jumped out of the thicket, with Akane following after. “What were you guys up to? In the grass, no less.” Saito voiced his doubts.

“Akane came to ask Shise about Bro—” Shisei was about to reveal everything, so Akane panicked and followed in.

“Nothing at all! We were just having a match of rock, paper, scissors!”

“Do you like it that much…?”

“Not really! It’s just super popular amongst girls nowadays! And since we’ve got time, I figured we might as well!”

“I really don’t get girls…”

Akane didn’t even understand what she was saying anymore. But she didn’t want Saito to find out. If he knew that she went to ask Shisei about him, he’d see her as a weirdo. Shortly after, the three returned to the classroom, when their classroom teacher approached them.

“You guys are friends with Ishikura, right?” He called out to them, which made Akane stop in her tracks.

“Did something happen to Himari?”

“She’s been taking time off school since the day before yesterday, rightß We got a call that she was sick the first day, but it’s been radio silent since.”

Himari wasn’t the type to just skip school needlessly, so this wasn’t normal for her.

“Did you call her parents?”

“Sure did, but they’re probably at work because I can’t reach anybody. I figured that maybe you’d know something, so…” He looked at everyone’s faces.

“I haven’t heard anything.”

“Me neither.”

“Neither did Shise.”

They all shook their heads.

“I see…Well, keep me updated if you heard anything,” he said and walked away.

Akane felt anxious that Himari hadn’t come to school without notifying anybody. It’s been three days since she left their home, too. After that, she was absent from school.

“What happened to her…?”

“Maybe you should try and give her a call?”

“I didn’t get through. I sent her a message, but she didn’t even read it.”

“That is weird…I’ll send her one, too.”

Thinking about it, something had been off about Himari since the final day she spent at their home. She seemed oddly saddened and transparent like she was about to disappear any moment.

—What happened to her?

Akane looked at Saito, who was operating his phone, which sent turmoil down Akane’s heart.

Upon returning home and opening the front door, Saito was greeted by a man looking similar to Himari and Rieko. He staggered backward, as he saw Akane standing behind them with a pale face, trying to shoo Saito away. From the looks of it, they were one step from figuring out the two were living together, so running would make it even more suspicious.

“You were…the boy who came over the other day, right?” Rieko narrowed her eyes.

Saito saw no other option but to introduce himself.

“I’m her classmate Houjou Saito. Back then, I helped her study. And today, we had planned to do a study group at Akane’s home, but…why are you here?” Saito asked, to which the man showed a disgruntled expression.

“Since Himari has yet to come home, we decided to come to pick her up. We heard that she was staying at Sakuramori-san’s home, and that brings us here.”

“Huh?! Himari hasn’t come home yet?!” Akane’s eyes opened wide in shock.

“That’s why we came to pick her up. Do you know where she is?”

“She stopped staying over three days ago after she said she was going back home. She’s been taking time off school, too…”

Rieko held her head.

“Basically, she’s skipping school while strolling around town. All she causes is problems, I swear…”

Saito couldn’t believe Rieko had just said that. Even if they aren’t related by blood, she’s still her mother, and it should be her utmost duty to make sure Himari was safe. Just like Saito’s aunt had done for him.

“I wonder what happened to Himari?”

“Do you have any idea what she might be up to?” Saito asked Akane, who dropped her gaze.

“She rarely relies on other people. But if she were to, she may have reached out to the people from the cafe she works at.

Rieko shook her head.

“Already called them. She hasn’t shown up to work for a whole week now.”

“Then I don’t know, either…”

If even Akane was at a loss, then there was no fixing this smoothly. They could walk around the various net cafes to look for her, but there was also no guarantee they could find her. They had no proof to believe that she was even still in town. That’s when Himari’s father muttered.

“I…might have an idea.”

“Where?”

“The town we lived in before I met Rieko. Her mother’s grave is there…And today happens to be her anniversary.”

“Then we should head there right away…”

“No. I’m not going there.” Hiimari’s father shook his head.

“Why?”

“When Rieko and I became a couple, I chose to free myself from the past. We were trying to move forward to become a new family. And to do that, we can’t be caught in the past. That goes for both me and Himari.”

“That’s…are you for real?”

Saito felt anger slowly boil inside of him. He could never understand what Himari’s father was saying. Sure enough, it would have been suffocating for Rieko to live in the same home. She can never hope to win against the dead. However…

“Was Himari…ever even given the option to mourn?”

“What?” Himari’s father showed a dubious reaction.

“Wanting to gaze at the future is your wish, and I get that. But some people still want to bear the past in mind. And Himari could never forget her own mother this easily.”

“She has. Over the past ten years, she never once talked about her own mother.”

“That’s because Himari is kind. She pretended to forget because that allowed things to proceed smoothly. But in reality, she’s treasuring the memories of her mother. So much that she didn’t dye her hair no matter how much she was bullied at school,” Saito said and then looked at Rieko. “Do you even know why she ran away from home? It’s because you kept judging her for her looks, reaching the point she was willing to forget her memories. She was ready to dye the hair she got from her mother…all so that you would accept her.”

“I never told her to dye her hair. I kept saying that she should stop dressing so improperly.”

“She started dressing this way because it complemented her hair and matched a type of fashion very popular in Japan. Did you know that, too?”

Himari’s parents were absolutely baffled. They didn’t know a thing. They didn’t even try to learn anything.

“Trying to move on happens in a different way for each person. And as their parents, you should be willing to match your speed with your child. Don’t try to push her away. You’re still…willing to come to pick her up. You still haven’t lost everything.”

Unlike Saito’s parents, of course. They never would have bothered to even come to look for him. In fact, they’d probably be happy that he was gone, because to them, he was a monster.

“It’s Himari-san’s fault because she never speaks of her feelings.”

“Because she’s afraid. That if she were to tell you, you’d get angry at her. Kick her out, even. She has no other place to go, remember?”

Himari’s father couldn’t believe what he heard.

“That’s…I could never chase her out. She’s my own daughter.”

“The same goes for me.”

“Then go and look for her already. I don’t want to see that lonely look in her eyes any longer,” Saito requested like he was praying.

Himari’s parents had gone away, leaving only Akane and Saito at the front entrance. He still glared at the closed door with a fist. How long has it been since she had seen him like this? Saito knows the Himari that Akane doesn’t. He knows her solitude, and the pain she bit down. Even though she and Himari were supposed to be friends, despite them being together for much longer, she had not even seen a glimmer of the one Saito knew. And that was because the two resembled each other. They share the same wounds. So profound that Akane could not hope to find a place with them. That reality itself made her chest hurt.

“Let’s go look for Himari,” Saito said and turned around towards Akane.

She knew he would say that. He might seem arrogant and self-centered, but he was still a lonely and kind person. That was something she knew by living together with him.

“I…I’m not going. You go look for her alone.”

“Why? You’re her friend. There’s no point if I’m going by myself.” He probably wanted to grab Akane’s hand as he reached for it.

Akane wanted to take it. She wanted to not think about anything and just move with her instinct, basking in his warmth. But right now, there was someone who needed him more than her.

“I don’t think…I can heal the wounds she has.” Akane looked away, which led Saito’s hand to meet empty air.

Since she never realized how much pain Himari felt, Akane was a failure of a best friend. And it was her duty to send off what she needed the most.

“I’m sorry…Himari.” Akane muttered inside the empty house after Saito had left.

Her lifeless voice, about to disappear, was heard by nobody. The sunlight entering from the windows didn’t reach her hands. A cold, soulless breeze went through the newly-built home. And all she could remember were the days when she was still a child. Akane tried her best to allow her parents to go and meet Maho and look after her treatment. She never asked them to come to the parent-visit day, and she didn’t ever want them to take her out somewhere. Any notice for these kinds of events she threw out to not worry them.

‘Don’t worry about me. Go see Maho first.’

That is what she’d always say. She didn’t want to burden her parents, who already worked way too much and worried endlessly about Maho and her treatment.

‘You’re a good girl, Akane. So easy to look after.’

Akane would listen to her parents, bring back good grades, and always think of her family. That’s why she was a good girl. But in reality—she wanted to be selfish at least once. However, as long as she swallowed her own feelings for the sake of others, everyone would be happy. It allowed her parents to get a brief break, and look after Maho more. That was probably when she became unable to voice her honest feelings. She can’t press her own wish onto others if it meant bringing misfortune to some.

“…Everything will be fine as long as I suck it up.” She buried her face in her pillow as she fell onto her bed in the dark bedroom.

A strong wind blew through town. Surrounded by mountains was a single graveyard. The graves were lined up neatly beneath the clear blue sky. All the chaos during their lives had been forgotten, as they were allowed to rest in peace. Then there was Himari, sitting in front of a white, western-styled grave. She simply embraced her legs as she gazed at the stone, no light to be found in her eyes. When Saito stood next to her, she finally realized his presence.

“Why…are you here, Saito-kun?”

“I just happened to pass by here,” Saito muttered.

“…I see. What a coincidence.” Himari smiled without any real emotion.

She didn’t attempt to run away but also didn’t look at him. How long had she been sitting here, anyway?

“Why are you not manipulating your parents?”

“…What?”

“You managed to get the people in our class under control just fine, so your parents should be easy, too. It’s not like you to be this clumsy at something.”

“That’s…” Himari hesitated with her answer.

“It’s because you actually care about them, right? That’s why it won’t work out. You can’t satisfy them with empty words that solely exist to make them happy.”

A fight can never break out if you don’t see the other person as a human. You can’t resent them if you never wish for them to love you.

“You’re amazing. You saw right through me.”

“It was a coincidence. A bit of guessing brought me to that conclusion.”

Saito didn’t want to be right. Because the truth hurts more than anything else.

“That’s right. Both Dad and Rieko-san matter to me. I don’t hate them. I want us all to be able to smile together…But, I hate this.” Himari pulled her knees closer.

A gentle breeze tickled her blonde hair, making it sway in the wind. Saito sat down next to the lonely girl. With his gaze surrounded by graves, it made him feel like he was deceased all the same.

“What hurt the most…was that I couldn’t visit the grave with Dad anymore,” Himari muttered. “I actually…never wanted Dad to move on. I wanted him to be sad and lament our loss.”

“…I see.”

“Because…Mom is still here. Nothing has changed. I wanted us to live together in this town forever…as the three of us,” She declared under difficulty, pulling the words out of her throat.

Himari must know that nothing ever stays the same. But, changing your feelings isn’t as simple as it sounds. Especially so if these are feelings that make it impossible to directly tell the other person.

“I know that Rieko-san isn’t a bad person. Because she chose Dad. But, I have only one mother.” Himari bit her lip.

Saito came with her to a grave visit when nobody else would. He offered her his hand, hoping it could ease the pain at least a bit. The trees shook gently from the breeze, creating a fitting sound for this chilly evening. Saito could tell that Himari was shaking. He knew her loneliness.

“Can I…get a bit closer?” Himari pressed herself against Saito.

He gently embraced her while listening to her faint weeping. He couldn’t fully accept all of the heaviness her heart felt, but he wanted to help heal it. As long as it would allow her to keep going without collapsing. Finally, the sun began to set over the graveyard, as the gravestones began drawing shadows on the ground. Himari seemed exhausted after she had cried this long, as she sunk down. Since she didn’t wear too much clothing, she covered her eyes as she shivered.

“Guess we should head home, yeah?”

“…Yup. Sorry you had to see me like that.”

Himari stood up as she was pulled by Saito’s hand. Her eyes were red, leaving no traces of the mask she usually wore.

“No problem. I like your genuine self.”

“But I’ll still put on a mask after this.”

“Really?”

“Girls can’t show their true selves to the boy they like, after all.”

Since she was energetic enough to tease him like this, Saito figured she’d be fine. He felt relieved that she could joke around again. But that relief became even stronger when he saw two shadows walking up the graveyard.

“Ah…”

Himari was shocked and stopped in her tracks. Himari’s father and Rieko carried flowers as they walked toward them from the parking lot.

“No way…He never once came here after getting remarried…” Himari muttered like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

“They probably passed by here, too. Why don’t you join them?”

“Huh? But…” Himari hesitated.

She probably struggled to shorten the distance between her and the people she ran away from, so Saito gave her a reassuring smile.

“I’ll wait right here. So, let them know how you feel.” Saito said and pushed her back.

---

1 He would have told you, too, if you weren’t such a stupid tsundere bitch. My effing god, somebody send help.