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Absentminded Unease
I have a question for all the good children among you. Do you know of the conditions that must be considered for a bad person to sneak inside a house? There’s important aspects to consider, such as the walls surrounding the house, the houses that are nearby, the security around the area, and many more things. However, it’s actually extremely easy. The most important thing is to be aware of the house owner’s location.
The most essential aspect indeed is not the situation inside the house and around it, but rather the people living there. Just as it has been passed down since ancient times, in order to make the castle fall, you have to control the soldiers. If you know that the person is absent or asleep, you can do as much as you want inside the house. You can get all sorts of work done.
“…Fu… Fu…”
And thus, I was inside a certain person’s home. In the corner of a room, with no lights to reveal me in the darkness, I waited for my prey. The room had been prepared, and there was no place for my prey to run away. Everything was colored by us, accomplished thanks to our sweat and efforts. Once the landlord comes home, they’ll fall victim to our plot. And since the preparations in the room were complete, next up was the landlord.
We have determined her schedule for the day, and she should be coming home soon. Me and my allies hid in the darkness, and we finally we heard the sound of the entrance opening.
“…Fu… Fufu…” Someone held back a laugh.
The footsteps of the clueless sheep approached us. Quiet, short steps, almost like the sheep was in joy. Man, she’s just as cute as ever today. But, heh heh, I wonder how long that mood will continue.
I was on standby right next to the room’s door, most likely the person closest to the girl. I’m sure everyone will get a good grope on her, but I won’t let anybody else have the first taste. I can’t contain this undying passion of mine.
“…Hm…”
I heard the target mutter something. Their breathing grew closer and closer. She must have felt that something was off, and she came to a halt in front of the door. We exchanged a few glances. What should we do? Did she catch on? Should we change to plan B? Another moment passed.
As if nothing had happened, the door slowly creaked open. I held my breath and gave my allies a wink. We were prepared to jump out at the same time. That’s right, my little lamb. Open the door. We’re having a party, and you’re the main course. One, two, three—
“Tsukiko-chan, happy birthday!!”
The sound of party poppers going off filled the air. The lights inside the banquet hall turned on, and everyone clapped. Azuki Azusa, Emi, the members of the welfare club, Steel-san who appeared from behind Tsutsukakushi, and I all congratulated Tsutsukakushi Tsukiko, putting our hands on her shoulders and celebrating this holy day.
Colored ribbons and other decorations filled the room, plush toys were scattered here and there to change the cold and depressing banquet hall into a festive location.
“Muhaha, are you surprised, Tsukiko? It’s a surprise and a suspender, indeed.”
Steel-san, who had played a key part in this plan, put her palm on Tsutsukakushi’s head, mixing up words in the heat of the moment. She had taken her little sister out for some shopping, which formed a time window we used to prepare for the party. If not for that, this plan never would have worked. I guess she should be allowed to speak in broken English for just this once.
“I’m always always in your care, Tsukiko. So I wanted to surprise you with some suspender.” She said as she took a peek at her little sister’s face. “…Hm? What’s wrong? Tsukiko? Hey, Tsukiko!?” Steel-san’s voice distorted in shock.
“………”
The expressionless Tsukiko-chan had apparently become unconscious while standing. She greeted her sixteenth birthday party like a totem pole as ectoplasm came out of her mouth. Since we’re all good children, we reflected on this and never did something evil like it again.
*
During this last week of January, the wind felt as sharp as a knife. The two-day Central Exams came to an end, and although the Cat God tried to be a bother again by occupying Emi’s body, I hope that it learned from the experience. I feel like that Cat God has been losing a lot as of late. And like this, peace returned to the Tsutsukakushi Household, the place that holds the aspiring and rising star examinee.
Of course, the secondary exam is still ahead of us, and that’s where we’ll figure out if the rising star examinee will become a risen examinee, but this is this and that is that. The Ironman Steel-san needs a break.
“Indeed, there is no time to study for an exam if it means disregarding my beloved little sister’s birthday party! I fear losing the trust of others more than losing my right to enter a university!”
Or so she said, and she was probably the most passionate person about this whole surprise party plan out of all of us. Thanks to that, our plan made great progress very rapidly after being on a standstill for a while.
A while ago, when we talked with Tsutsukakushi at the welfare club, she said that she preferred a cheerful get-together with friends more than some dramatic event. She completely saw through our waterproof ultimate epic plan just like that. Her cute eagle eye didn’t miss a single detail.
On top of that, she told us that ‘Instead of making it a surprise, I prefer the idea of preparing together with everyone.’ If that’s what she wished for, then there was no need to hide it after all.
“This being the case, let’s start this birthday party! The partygoers will be Onee-san, Azuki Azusa, Emi, the girls from the welfare club, and I!”
“Thank you very much. I’m very happy.”
We prepared lots of ingredients so that we could cook together, eat together, play together, and talk together. Everything was for Tsutsukakushi’s sake.
However, even if that’s how it is, you still want to have some element of surprise, That’s just human nature. So we all arrived well before Tsutsukakushi and started preparing. And then we got the jump on her. When Tsukiko-chan came home, she was greeted by a burst of surprise party poppers.
*
“…Good grief, I can’t believe you.”
The banquet hall was filled with noise. Tsutsukakushi stared up into my eyes, shaking her head several times.
“I never would have imagined you would come up with a plan like this.” Her crystal clear eyes, shining bright like black pearls, were locking her feelings away inside her today as well.
But these expressionless yet smooth cheeks made it look like she was pouting. Maybe she’s irritated that we surprised her? We put two large desks together, and she sat in the middle as her birthday party began. She wore a cone hat on her small head, a poncho like you’d see in Central America, and a sash around her shoulder that read ‘You are the main role.’ It feels like this is some kind of bootleg Hinamatsuri1 in a different world.
It’d take too long for me to explain how she ended up like this, but it’s probably a mistake in the costume selection. In retrospect, why did we give Steel-san that job? Anyways, we had a multi-part program planned for the day.
First was a feast of a lunchtime made possible by the efforts of everyone present. The money for the ingredients came mostly from Tsukiko-chan’s hidden savings. Ever since the event at the takoyaki stall on New Year’s, she had awoken to her ability to earn prize money by participating in eating contests. Everyone in this business, please pack up now if you don’t want to end up bankrupt.
Second, we had a play put on by the children’s welfare club’s members, which would be Snow White with Tsutsukakushi as the princess. It’s a new type of Snow White with no poisoned apple where the princess just lives with the dwarves normally, making it just a slice-of-life kind of story.
After this, Steel-san and Ms Earnest held an absurd two-person comedy act. The focus of their jokes was the current market price of Adzuki beans. It was an avant-garde idiot-and-straight-man type of act.
Next up was a miraculous solo special from the Magical Emi. It was the healthiest event of the evening, showing off her impeccable lyrical skill that didn’t allow any contest. The Angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
I’d love to relate all the details of the party to you, but we’re running out of space to write here. If you want to read more, make sure to read the short collection releasing in 2014.
But seriously, it was an impressive banquet. Everything was greatly appreciated by the small girl in the leading role and her small mouth, and she stuffed meat and salad into herself. Next came the tomatoes and the cut apples with rabbit ears. She started eating all the food lined up on the long desk, munching away with no care at all as to what it was, while stabbing her long toes into my leg. Apparently, she was enjoying the party quite a bit, but she looked up at my face, making another complaint.
“It’s not fair to suddenly attack me like that. It’s an action that goes against all that is holy. Even if God were to forgive you, I won’t.”
“Sorry. That must have scared you, right?”
“…Not really. I was perfectly fine with that.”
“So why did it look like you were unconscious midway through?”
“I wasn’t surprised at all, but my heart was, and it went outside for a second. So calling me ‘Unconscious’ is exaggerating.”
“Oh my. So you even remember the part when I had to touch you all over your body to finally wake you ouch ouch ouch!!?”
“For crying out loud…” Tsutsukakushi kicked her tiptoes against my leg, grumbling to herself.
Why is she only complaining at me!?
“Tsuu-chan, Tsuu-chan, happy birthday!”
The seven dwarves—No wait, the seven first-years—gathered in front of Tsutsukakushi. They were still wearing their clothes from the play before. There’s the dwarves, the princess, the boyish girl wearing the knight costume, and a witch wearing frills. There’s even someone wearing a horse costume in there. Won’t the little children cry if they see something like this?
Of course, the poor Yokodera-kun is being pushed away. Maybe I would have had the right to join in if I wore some weird costume. In that case, I’d love the role of the prince! I’ll make an invigorating performance!
“Tsuu-chan, let’s take a picture!”
“A commemorative picture! Yay!”
“Tsuu-chan, you’re still eating!?”
“Hawawa, it’s been two hours…”
“I’m taking it! Look over here! One more time! Over here!”
“Are you taking a video as well? Peace!”
“Yay, peace!”
“…Peace, yes.”
The girl wearing the horse costume took out a camera, pointed it at the other girls including Tsutsukakushi, and took a picture while the seven made peace signs. And with that, Tsukiko-chan’s very important double-peace picture was recorded for future generations to feast their eyes upon. Please send that to me later. I need to add it to my collection.
Several more pictures had to be taken because one girl blinked, or another girl’s hair wasn’t right, or whatever. Underneath the roof of this old house, the girls were raising their voices, and the sounds of footsteps were running wild everywhere. It was absurdly noisy, but also quite comfortable.
When you compare this house to the number of people actually living here, it’s far too large. How long has it been since so many voices filled this place? When I looked over at the porch, the winter sky started to become filled with clouds, and darkness slowly descended on the wide open yard. But thanks to the civilization we have been blessed with, the banquet hall remained illuminated.
I sat a bit further away from all the action, looking around aimlessly, when I happened to meet eyes with Tsutsukakushi, who was still surrounded by her friends. Since she was the important role of the day, she wouldn’t be left alone.
Is your birthday party fun? I asked her by only moving my lips.
She must have understood, since she nodded in reply.
It is fun.
Her head tilted to the side.
It is, but…
But… what? I asked her with my eyes only, but she averted her gaze. I feel like I understand what she’s trying to say.
It’s too fun. That’s probably what she meant.
I felt like I saw her cheeks soften up for a second. Tsutsukakushi realized that I was smiling, and stood up with an averted gaze, like she was sulking.
“The next part of the program is a game, right? I’m going to fight with all my heart.” She announced proudly and looked at the food on the table. “I’ll eat this later.”
She’s still not done eating? You’ll turn into a pig if you keep going like this! Then again, Tsukiko-chan should gain some more weight. I want her to grow in all sorts of places!
“…There.”
“Ouch!?”
The aspiring-piggy-yet-still-flatty approached me, stepping on my foot. She had apparently guessed exactly what I was thinking. Doesn’t that mean that Tsukiko-chan has fully recovered!? Wonderful! That’s how she’s supposed to act!
“…There there there there.”
“That hurts!”
I ran away from the stomping attack, and we played around on top of the tatami mat, looking like a couple at a folk dance. I couldn’t think of anything more worthy of doing during today’s party.
After getting her fill, Tsutsukakushi walked away.
“Tsukiko might be as clever as Amitabha Buddha, but…” Steel-san appeared next to me with crossed arms. “…There can be days in a year when she’s not. There’s days when something good can happen that you never would have imagined.”
“Club president…”
“—After all, Tsukiko is finally sixteen.” Steel-san, the person responsible for most of this surprise event, narrowed her sky blue eyes.
She might have made a grown-up smile in the sight of this situation, but I could tell she was grinning to herself secretly. She had a mixture of expressions like a young child watching a prank succeed as well as a kind mother watching over her child. That smile of hers looked almost too dazzling to me. They say that a boy turns into a man if you don’t meet him for three days, but I guess that Steel-san is growing up more and more, too. Maybe I can help her grow up to be my ideal girlfriend in a year? It might be worth enacting my ‘Steel-san Girlfriend Raising Game’ policy?
Subconsciously, I directed my gaze over towards a vertical beam in the banquet hall, looking for the marks of how much who had grown and when. At the same time, I thought of the people who could have been here, but weren’t.
“Senpai. Senpai… what are you doing?”
“…I’m coming right now~”
I was called by the Tsukiko-chan of the real world, and my consciousness returned to reality. I walked into one corner of the room, illuminated by the artificial light.
*
Inside the wide banquet hall, we had created a smaller open space. We had set out a playing mat around three square meters in size for a certain event.
“Oh, what is this, what is this?”
“I feel like I’ve seen this before?”
“Re~d, blu~e, gre~en, yellowowow~”
“A traffic light!”
“A traffic light only has three colors…”
“I get it, I get it! It’s the color of Tsuu-chan’s panties!”
“Awawawa, when did you see them!?”
The goatlings all observed the mat like it was some piece of art in a museum, tilting their heads into all sorts of directions.
“I see—A game of twister!” Azuki Azusa shook her index finger with a knowledgeable tone, and that was absolutely correct.
The mat had patches of colors: Red, blue, yellow, and green, and there was a spinner in one corner that showed where to put your hands and feet. It’s a pretty popular game in America. I’m surprised she knows about this.
“I played it a long time ago with Mama and Papa! It’s really fun how you end up in all sorts of positions! …Hm? But where is it…”
“Where is what?”
“The rope!” Azuki Azusa said with a smile.
A rope definitely isn’t an item you would need in such a game.
“…What would you use the rope for?”
“To keep your posture during the game! You can just fall over without that, right?”
“I mean, if you can’t keep your posture, you just lose, right?”
“?”
“There’s no reason to use a rope. This isn’t that kind of game.”
“??” Azuki Azusa tilted her head.
I could see question marks pop up inside her sparkling eyes.
“…I guess the rules I know are a bit different…” The fairy of the question mark world muttered.
Let’s be honest here. Why is there any need to tie people up with a rope while they’re trying to maintain some weird poses on top of a mat? Yet again, I feel like I’ve found out something about the Azuki Household I shouldn’t have. For now, I’ll just act like I didn’t hear any of it.
“Then, line up, line up! It’ll be a one-on-one! The one who can hang on longer wins!” When I announced that, the other girls started brimming with excitement.
“But don’t smaller people have the disadvantage here?”
“No bad-mouthing Tsuu-chan.”
“Let’s give Tsuu-chan a two-meter-long magic hand, then!”
“No, she can just ride on a three-meter-long horse.”
“That makes it fair.”
“That’s right. We are a group that love justice, order, and Tsuu-chan.”
“Hawawa, she’ll hear you…”
The girls were busy deciding the order of play. Hehe, just as planned. I’ll be able to witness a paradise filled with girls here.
“Um.” I heard a voice, “I feel like someone has different intentions here…” The voice was barely loud enough for me to pick up.
Of course someone has ulterior motives. This is the game I contributed to the program. Even if this is a holy birthday, I cannot miss such a chance. That is who I am. I can observe these first-years legally opening their legs, lowering their hips, sticking to each other so they won’t lose… A wonderful, rosy paradise is approaching me. Heaven on earth, second version! Here I come! Suddenly, someone tugged on my sleeve.
“Then why don’t we ask Wickedera-san for a demonstration?”
“Hm? Wicked what was that?”
“Wicked-san, I’m starting the spinner. Put your right hand on green, the furthest to the right.”
“Wait wait, like this?”
“Yokoillogical-san, your right leg goes on the opposite site, the furthest red to the left. The left hand on red as well. Pull back your left leg to the right.”
“…Oh? You’re asking me to twist my limbs, you know?”
“After that, Ogglingdera-san, turn all of your arms and legs around. Do a flip in the air, rub your head on some far-away tatami mat, and stay there.”
“You’re asking for a bit too much here! I’ll surpass my body’s limits and die!”
“You are allowed to die, yes.” Tsukiko-chan made her judgement with a super serious face.
I was hoping that me crying and begging for forgiveness would do the trick, or at least get some compassion from the girls around me, but they just laughed. Girls are really scary.
And thus, my twister masterplan came to an abrupt end, and I was forced to watch the game of twister from a faraway tatami mat. Of course, at an angle where I wouldn’t be able to see anything. Can we stop this game and move on to the next?
“Then please take it easy on me.”
“Heh heh heh! The jungle techniques I inherited from my Mom will win me this game!”
What attracted me the most was the match between Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa. They were playing a legit game of twister. Tsutsukakushi’s right hand and Azuki Azusa’s left leg crossed, a left hand and a right leg overlapped, and sometimes even all their limbs ended up entangled with each other. Not even five seconds later, they both fell down.
“…Auu…”
“O-Ouch…”
They ended up in a position where their arms and legs were laying on top of each other, their faces glued together. This will probably conclude the game. I was figuring that one of them would give up soon, when…
“There. Not done.”
“…I-I won’t give up just yet!”
Instead of giving up, they continued to push against the other with even more force, ignoring the spinner entirely. They’re just acting like brutes in this situation. Seriously, what is this world-ending crisis? I felt a cold sweat building up on my back. I remembered the pig sheep war from a while ago. I’m being forced to remember. I was shaking in my boots. I was about to jump up to interrupt them. But then the two of them…
“…A-chan-san…”
“Tsuu-chan-chan…”
…Each called the other by their weird nicknames, falling to the mat at roughly the same time. They both raised their heads, looking at each other.
“What a weird face!”
“Right back at you, right back at you.”
Azuki Azusa let out a snicker, and Tsutsukakushi nodded along. Maybe they were tired, but they continued to lay supine on the mat, looking like a puppy and a kitten. Or… Maybe like friends who aren’t holding back with each other?
That great national war I observed between Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa, with the help of the secret meeting on the day of the Central Exam, came to a safe conclusion, and the curtains lowered on this part of history. Of course, I don’t know what kind of conditions or sanctions have been established there. Maybe it is just a temporary ceasefire? Or maybe this is just the calm before the storm?
Either way, neither of them were on the losing side, it seems, as seen when we were eating together.
“Who made this? A-chan? You can stop by tomorrow as well. I’ll show you my surefire easily-be-loved meat and potato stew.”
“Easily-be-loved…?!”
“That’s right. The one who wins over the stomach will be the winner in the end.”
“I-I’m not going to lose…!”
Tsutsukakushi bragged about her cooking. But when it came to Emi’s singing, things ended up opposite.
“Your singing is really good. Next time, let’s sing tog—Ah, no, I’m sorry.”
“…Why are you apologizing? I’m totally fine singing! You don’t need to hold back.”
“That’s right! It’s fine! I believe in you! Tsuu-chan can do anything! Believe in yourself! Believe in me who believes in you!”
“Grrr…”
Sparks flew between the two. They both took jabs at each other, eventually snickering or nodding. They’re both aware of each other’s weak points, and they’re allowed to jab at them without anybody being dejected in the end. It’s like one of my favorite books, where a tsundere has all her weak points found out and her heart and smile are warmed up. Wait, MaiMai? No no, she’s not a tsundere. She’s a tsunderu.
Anyway, the two seem to have gotten much closer than before, and their banter has grown much more jesting and much less aggressive. Although it didn’t happen in front of me, these two have clashed, and they seem to have now found common ground. Like this, they have grown closer, but the way they address each other shows that a bit of distance is still between them. One day, they might be able to treat each other without having to rely on honest feelings and facade. And this is a very good thing. It is so good that I don’t even have any room to do anything.
“………”
I calmly looked at my surroundings. I watched the girls and then glanced down at my own palm. These two, Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa, are trying to move forward. I thought about Steel-san, who had started to become an actual Onee-san.
All of them are independent. They’re moving forward. As one, or as two. Slowly changing.
That made me realize that this is something unavoidable. The twister game mat and the tatami mat I sat on couldn’t be further away. The cheerful voices of the banquet were in the distant horizon. Sitting alone on this old tatami mat in this old home is none other than I.
I felt my chest tighten. Even the critical situation between Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa was now going in a better direction. I had gotten in the way of the Cat God’s teasing and had completely conquered it. That God is already my subordinate. Gods are easy. I have nothing to be afraid of, and we’re not wrong at all, about anything.
My surroundings were filled with noise, the girls were smiling, and the birthday party was a clear success no matter how you looked at it.
So why? It’s such an enjoyable time, and everyone is this happy, so why do I feel so—?
*
“…Ahhh, enough enough enough!” I slapped my cheeks with my own two hands. I must have been tired from all the partying. I’ve gotta get some tension back. At times like these, it’s Emi Teasing Time!
Just as the name suggests, I taste the joy of doing how I desire with the young Emanuella Polnarella, giving me the greatest amount of pleasure and excitement possible in the process. Patting, touching… Everything is doable with the illegal loli, the Angelic Emi! As a matter of fact, Emi Papa even called me before the party.
‘Is my daughter causing you any trouble?’
He seemed really concerned and worried about his daughter, so I have to watch over her carefully. But, I have to say, I really appreciated Emi Papa’s thoughtfulness to even call me about this. On top of that…
‘I have to thank you as well. Is there anything you like?’
He said.
‘If there’s anything you don’t like, let me know. When’s your birthday?’
And so on.
‘What sign are you? Your blood type? What’s the hospital you were born in? What’s your mother’s maiden name?’
Relentlessly.
‘Hey, Yokodera-kun. I want to get along with you even more. No, I have to.’ He said, catching me by surprise. ‘Next time, let’s talk about a few things in great detail… in a place quiet and isolated—’
And with that, he ended the call. I’m really bad with men who are too clingy! What kind of merit would there be to him to hold a treasure hunt with Yokodera-kun’s personal information as the treasure?
What will we even be talking about in a situation like that? And what manner of talking will he be using? Is he acting like a character or something? Does he create some kind of character when children are around? That sounds oddly obscene.
“What a weird guy he is.” I shook my head and stepped out of the noisy banquet hall. There, I found the weird guy’s daughter right away.
She was sitting down on the porch, her space monster twintails hanging down her back. She was wearing a navy blue one-piece with a white apron on top, along with a katyusha with laces. She probably meant to look like a maid. She made constant excuses, such as having to help out with the cooking, wanting to match clothes with the welfare club, claiming that it was a mistake or a misunderstanding, and all sorts of things.
But this is undoubtedly a maid costume. I don’t know what kind of influence this is, but I won’t mind if this continues. Just looking at her from behind, these clothes look great on her. A young girl and a maid. That is doubly delicious. Also, since she’s just sitting there, it’s like she’s asking me to attack her, right? If anything, why does she think I wouldn’t attack her? Legally speaking, everything that follows after this is Emi’s responsibility!
“Emanueeeeee~~~!” I called out to her, jumping forward, “~~~La!”
“Gunyaaaaa!?”
I lifted her up by the waist like a sliding back drop in wrestling, and the space monster let out a shriek that could reach the heavens. What a cute voice.
She tried to escape, pushing herself away from me, but I continued to tickle her sides. The young maid started to shiver, making this even more delicious. One plus one is 100!”
“Gya, wha… stop! You’re tickling me! W-Why—Shtop! What do you want!?”
“Ah, no reason.”
“…Ah, don’t just let go of me! Why’d you suddenly calm down like that!?”
“Oh? Did you actually want me to continue?”
“—Anti-pervert Obliteration-type pumpkin bazooka, version dos!”
I was hit with a physical impact from the water pistol she had at her side. It hurt really bad, actually. Did I really deserve that?
“What are you doing attacking me out of the blue like that!? Are you a pervert or something!? ….Oh right, you are.”
“A self-retort? Nice! That was funny.”
“Nothing’s funny! Nobody’s laughing!”
“I mean, what are you doing right now, anyways? Let’s play or something.”
“…Hmm…” Emi showed a troubled reaction.
When I sat down on the porch, trying to meet her gaze, I realized just how tiny this girl actually was. We’re pretty far away in terms of age, aren’t we? It might be hard to fit in with this group of high school students that we are. This is the first time I’ve thought about the implications of an age difference such as this. Although I keep calling her a young girl, it seems like I’m treating her like a grownup. Subconsciously, unconditionally, I made her into an equal of mine. This is the true path of a young girl such as her.
“…Your eyes are disgusting.”
“I didn’t even say anything yet!”
“I could tell without you needing to say anything! I could feel some nauseating radio waves!”
“Speaking of radio waves, I got a call from your Dad. He asked how you’re doing and all.”
“…How did you jump from radio waves to Papa?” Emi gave me a confused look.
Her Dad is a cosplay-loving, oddly close man who loves to speak like a foreigner. He’s also a university professor of an age that’s hard to guess.
“Is your Papa going to pick you up today? Or should your O-Onii-tan escort you home?”
“Papa is busy with work, but judging from your choice of words there, it’d probably be best for me to decline your offer.”
“You’re being so kind about it, and it makes it hurt even more. Insult me more! Treat me like a pig! Come on, come on!”
“Gyaaa! You’re disgusting! Don’t get any closer!”
“Yes! Like that! Wait, he has work on a Saturday?”
“He apparently found some interesting research topic or whatever. ‘Fucking Straight Shot’, he said, and then he pulled an all-nighter.”
“How obscene. Oh right, why does he keep changing how he talks even though he can talk just fine?”
“Huh?” Emi blinked.
She gave me a look like she had no idea what I just said.
“He can talk just fine?”
“I mean, yeah? Just now, he…”
“Papa is bad at Japanese, so it can’t be helped. Don’t give other people’s Papas weird character settings!”
I got scolded. To me, this sounds like dear Emanuella-san loves her Papa, even though she tries to hide it. I’ll go into more detail about this in my Yokodera notes volume four version three.
“Well, either way is fine. Should we go back to the banquet hall? If it’s tough playing with everyone, I don’t mind staying with you.”
“…Onii-chan…”
“Why don’t we play doctor together?!” I offered my hand to the girl, who took it with a beautiful smile.
Thus, we held hands.
“Ehehe, Youto-oniichan!”
“Fufu, Emanuella-chan!”
“Nihihihi!”
“Ahahahaha!”
“—Playing doctor my ass, you damn pervertido! Hit your head on a pumpkin farm and rot there for all eternity!” Before we started dancing, she pushed away my hand with no remorse. The Angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel. Even if her harsh verbal abuse doesn’t match up with her smile. I feel like this could become a bad habit for certain people.
“It’s not that. I was just thinking about something.” Emi shook her head.
“And what is that?”
“About you.”
For some reason, the girl’s round eyes looked straight up at my face. Hey now, what kind of serious atmosphere is this? Is she finally going to confess to me? Thanks to Tsutsukakushi’s intense training, my tastes might have started to change, and a happy choice Emi End could actually happen.
“…I still don’t fully understand it myself, so I’ll tell you once I get my thoughts in order.” Emi gazed over at the garden, her legs kicking up and down in the air.
*
Black hole Tsutsukakushi had finally devoured all the food, and it was now quite a bit later in the day. I can’t even tell if this is lunch or early dinner. Maybe it’d be best to instead think of names for the times when Tsutsukakushi doesn’t eat. For the last part of today’s program, we’re all going to give her birthday presents.
“This is from me. I saw this at a toy store, and I knew it was perfect,” I said, handing her a stuffed toy in the shape of a black cat.
Its fur was as smooth as a carpet, and its eyes were clear enough to almost reflect your own. It also had quite handsome facial features and long whiskers.
“Thank you very much. I will think of this as Senpai and treasure it.” With these words, Tsutsukakushi tightly embraced the cat.
For some reason, I felt embarrassed by that. But why is she embracing the cat with both her hands around its collar? Is this some new way of hugging?
“Happy birthday! I picked this out with Papa!” Azuki Azusa gave Tsutsukakushi a wrapped movie Blu-ray DVD.
Tsukiko-chan might not look like it, but she actually loves zombie movies a lot. Especially when they crawl up from their graves.
“I’ll give you something you definitely need, Tsuu-chan.” Emi handed her the Anti-Pervert Obliteration-type Pumpkin Bazooka Uno.
They read the manual together, and then for some reason glanced over at me. Groundless and excessive self-defense, I see. After this, the first-years all gave their own presents, such as clothes, books, perfume, sweets, and all those sorts of things. The one who took the final spot was none other than Steel-san. She looked mighty confident.
“It is time for the main performance. I’ll make all the other presents before irrelevant. She puffed out her chest, standing in front of her sister. “Just wait and see. It’s exactly what you wanted, Tsukiko.”
I could see a paper behind her back, which read ‘Do whatever you want to me for one day – Ticket’. Is she actually a grade schooler?
“The thing I want the most right now?” Tsutsukakushi probably got presents like this every year, so I guess she’s not too flustered about it. “Basically—the notice that you’ve passed the university entrance exam, Nee-san?”
“…Oh?”
“Yay~ Congratulations. I’m very happy. Clap clap.”
“…Oh…Um…”
Tsukiko-chan twirled in expressionless happiness. She looked like a mechanical doll. In response, I saw Steel-san tightly grasp, almost crunch, the ticket.
“Just kidding. I was joking, of course.” Tsukiko stopped in her tracks, speaking quite indifferently.
“O-Ohh! Tsukiko, that joke was bad for my heart, hahaha.”
“I’m sorry. I felt like teasing you a bit.”
“Hahaha.” Sweat covered Steel-san’s face.
Tsukiko noticed that and had a similar reaction.
“……”
“……”
A brief silence ensued. Finally, the first one to move was the little sister. She took an anxious deep breath.
“By the way, what was the result of your self-check from the Central Exam?”
“Hahaha.”
“Come here, Nee-san.”
“Hahahahaha.”
“Just whisper the score to me.”
“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.”
Steel-san just continued to laugh in a frantic manner, and she approached—No, that’s not it. She acted like she was going to approach her little sister, but instead she took a step back, towards the room’s exit. She was showcasing a perfect example of Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk. She apparently had awoken to a new talent in this dire situation.
“Yokodera! Yokoderaaaa!”
After escaping from the Moon Child-chan, the Moonwalker beckoned me over with her hand.
“Strategy meeting! Right now!”
She waved her hand frantically. The sweat on her face started to mix with the tears running down from her eyes.
“Hurry! Hurry! Big problem! Very big problem!”
“………”
Everyone around us acted like they couldn’t hear her, even signalizing me to head over. How kind of you. Kindness makes the world keep going ‘round, I guess.
After I closed the sliding door behind me, the Steel War Front Strategy Meeting began.
“…Yokodera.”
“Yes, club president.”
“This isn’t my own personal desire. It’s a generally accepted opinion in order for society to achieve a better future.”
“Granted.”
Steel-san spoke like the general of a non-existent army. I followed suit, and awaited her next words.
“Don’t you agree that academic exam standards say too much about your own personal worth? What does an exam understand about a person and their skills?!”
“At the very least, they reflect the individual’s academic knowledge just fine.”
“………”
“They say a lot, but personally, the Central Exam’s questions and problems are always tied to the year, and they ask for much more fundamental level knowledge. Since we are at a point in life where we have to prioritize our own studies, we have put faith in our growth for tomorrow and continue to improve.”
“Gaaah! I don’t want to hear logic now!” She wailed.
“Ehhh…”
“Who cares about tomorrow! We’re talking about the present!” Steel-san raised her fists with tears in her eyes.
Fearing that she might get violent with me, I quickly shut my mouth. But her fists only continued to shake violently midair.
“I have a perfect plan!” She said.
“What is it?”
“It’ll be a bit complicated, Yokodera. They say that there’s no easy approach to study, right?”
“They do, yes!”
“If that is the case, then, thinking logically, doesn’t it mean that it has no major distinction in this world?”
“Does it?”
“Basically, the academic world is based on republicanism, and normal elections are the proof that this is the norm.”
“Yeah?”
“And elections are unjust. They don’t force you to unravel the mysteries of old.”
“……”
“After all, even if you don’t use the main avenue of studying, there may be—”
“No.”
“However, some backwards entrance…”
“You can’t.”
“I thought that maybe—”
“There isn’t.”
“Please, I’ll do anything.”
“Nothing will happen.”
“There is nothing impossible—”
“There is.”
“…Is that…so…?” Steel-san made a dejected face.
She looked like a young child as she hung her shoulders. Even her trademark ponytail was hanging down her back, lifeless.
“Um, the results aren’t out yet, so have faith in yourself, and study some more while you’re at it.”
“Hm… That’s right… I have to work hard until the very end…” Steel-san nodded, devoid of any strength.
She walked up and down the hallway, thinking to herself.
“I have to do something… Somehow… Maybe change the university I’m aiming for… But what should I tell the young Yokodera brother…”
“My younger brother doesn’t matter at all right now, but I think that’s a great idea.”
“That reminds me, I heard that certain universities conduct these things called ‘Seminars’. So maybe if I just tell people about my seminar, they won’t ask about what university?”
“Club President. Can you hear me?”
“Indeed, that’s it. It is time to aim for the greatest seminar!”
Is it just me, or is Steel-san probably the greatest contender for becoming a rounin2 ever?
“Let’s not think about the future. Instead, focus on what’s ahead of you, and the next exams!”
“If I don’t have to think ahead, then I don’t even want to look at the exams. I want to keep living in happiness.”
“Club president?!”
I had mostly given up at this point. Even if I tried to correct her, she showed no signs of being willing to change.
“What to do…” I let out a deep sigh.
Since I had helped her prepare for her exams, I felt a certain sense of responsibility this time. I can’t let her make Tsukiko-chan sad, since Tsukiko has great hope in her, and I can’t leave Steel-san alone myself, either. I have to do something about this, don’t I? Steel-san is relying on me—So I have to save her.
I formed a fist, and felt energy filling my entire body. I heard the sounds of the winter breeze rattling the doors of the toilet. I had completely forgotten about it, but it’s cooled down a lot today. The isolated Tsutsukakushi household was relatively warm. Thanks to the artificial lights inside, we were only surrounded by darkness, not swallowed by it.
The black windows reflected my face. It must have been because of the lights around me, but I could see myself flashing a strange smile.
*
Just like a story always has to end, the curtains soon fell on the enjoyable party. On my way home from the party, the air felt cold enough to hurt my skin. That night, after I had my dinner, I wrote in my diary a bit, and then I got a phone call.
‘How’s it going with you? Are you doing well, you? Your Onee-chan is worried about you, you.’
It was from my mom. When you leave her alone, she’s the type of person who will talk excessively. In a certain sense, that’s what’s good about her. I’ve heard that she used this to her advantage, completely knocking my Dad off guard until they got married. The Yokodera Family had always been weak to being pushed and aggressively approached. If someone wants to use this information, feel free, mmkay?
‘Don’t you ever feel sorry? It’s always like this. Onee-chan is really fond of you. She’s worried that you’ll make her sad like you did before. You have too much time on your hands, which leads to that sort of stuff—’
Her voice sounded far away. Maybe the connection wasn’t the best right now. I could barely pick up what she was saying.
“I’m totally fine. You don’t have to worry. Yeah. Yeah—Yup, then, see you soon.” Giving affirmative responses, I quickly hung up. “Phew…”
Parents are always worried about their children, aren’t they? I’m a high school student, you know? If you’re that worried, then give me more money. I closed my diary and checked the doors at the entrance and the balcony.
After that, I took a bath, washed my body, changed into my pajamas, did the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, brushed my teeth, prepared for tomorrow’s classes, wrote an email to my sister, turned on the heater, and turned off the lights.
As I laid on the sofa, darkness and tranquility assaulted me. They felt eternal.
“—Good night.”
I muttered inside this empty living room.
1 Japanese Doll Festival
2 High school graduate waiting for another chance to enter university after having failed the yearly entrance examination
CClaw Translations 