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Tsu-chan, A-chan, Yokodera Youto
I received a phone call from Steel-san at 5 in the morning. She seemed to be very flustered, and between her incoherent mumbling, the only thing I could make out was ‘Tsukiko just…’, and these words alone caused me to immediately dash out of the house.
In the end, nothing came to a clean ending yesterday. Until I stepped in, Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa kept bumping shoulders and words, and the Kouhai club member girls were too scared to do anything. The bell rang to signal the end of lunch break, and the two of them finally stood up.
“——”
“……”
They wouldn’t dare look each other in the eyes, and they just left the room. It was clear that neither of them had any plans to back down from their opinion. When I went to check on them during the next recess, neither of them had backed down then, either. I sent them email after email, and just when I thought they had finally calmed down, and they answered my calls—
“—It’s not related to Senpai,” was Tsutsukakushi’s answer.
“—Leave me alone for now,” was Azuki Azusa’s answer.
That was the end of it. They didn’t tell me anything. In short, it was a total mess. Do things like this actually happen? There won’t be any bright future for us at this rate. But I can’t tell them not to fight either. People fight all the time, and friends even more so. Even Ponta and I fight occasionally. But when the fight is between two friends of yours, it’s difficult to tell how long it’ll take for them to make up.
Friends can fight and still make up at the end of the day. At the very least, that’s my experience with Ponta. But if these weren’t true friends, then maybe they can’t make up ever again? I feel like that sort of outcome would be sad. Then again, what can I even do about it?
I spent the night in agony, lamenting over what I should or could have done, and I woke up to my phone ringing. It was a Saturday, and the first day of the Center Exam.
*
Early in the morning with no buses even running, I pedaled down the dark road on my bicycle, rushing to the Tsutsukakushi Household like I was Justin Gatlin. The cold wind hitting me made my teeth hurt as I rang the house’s doorbell. When I put my hand on it, I found that the door was already open. Maybe they didn’t lock it up properly last night. No, Tsukiko-chan is too methodical. She’d never do that.
A horrible premonition hit me much like the cold wind. I ran through the gravel-covered front yard…
“Yokoderaaa…”
The door of the front entrance opened, and a familiar-looking hedgehog costume came tumbling out. I guess she’s wearing it during her sleep now. With unsteady feet, Steel-san came crawling towards me like a zombie.
“Tsukiko is… Tsukiko did…”
When I heard that name, a cold sweat ran down my back, and I felt shivers running down my spine that weren’t from the cold. I grabbed Steel-san’s shoulders so neither of us would fall over and took a deep breath.
“—What happened? Calm down and tell me.”
I grit my teeth. I steeled my resolve and forced as much of a smile I could muster.
“…Y-Yes… Well, Tsukiko just—”
“…Yes?”
“She said she wouldn’t come with me to the Center Test! She won’t make me the rice balls she usually does, either! She’s such a tease! It’s not fair!”
……Hm? For a second, it felt like another world line had crossed and overlapped with ours. However, no matter how many times I rubbed my eyes, Hedgehog Steel-san was still as serious as before. There was absolutely no comedic element to her words, aside from the ridiculous costume she was wearing. I assumed I had just misheard, so I asked her again.
“What was that about Tsukiko-chan?”
“Again! Tsukiko! Said! She won’t! Come to the! Exam! With me!”
“Um, I don’t quite get what you are talking about… Why can’t you just go by yourself?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t even remember the way to the exam location, let alone the actual room! My head is filled with the sentence structures for marriage, the mathematical values of marriage, and the chronological table of marriage!”
“…Huh.”
“Up until yesterday, Tsukiko said she would come with me, which was why I could focus on my study material. She is my Polaris shining in the ocean, my flag on the battlefield! What am I supposed to do without Tsukiko?!”
“………”
I felt all the tense air be blown away. The wind made the trees around us rustle like they were laughing, and the serious clouds disappeared from the horizon. What is going on here? What was all my determination for? Now this is just going to be another embarrassing event I’ll remember at 3am while laying in bed.
“I’m glad you’re here, Yokodera… Let’s go together to change Tsukiko’s mind!” Steel-san clung desperately to me. Her previous adolescent charm was completely gone. She just looked like a young brat.
This darned Useless-san… If you don’t get your act together, I’ll take you as my wife.
“—I’m sorry. I told her not to call you because that would just be a bother, but she wouldn’t listen.”
I heard footsteps coming from behind Steel-san. It was Tsukiko-chan, with the hood of her hoodie covering her head. It was much smaller than Steel-san’s attire, showing more skin. She looked charming in these clothes, and yet her back was arched gallantly, her feet spaced out solidly on the ground.
“She’s been studying a lot as of late, so I wondered if she was nervous. In reality, she’s the kind of person you would have to supervise on the way to the testing center.”
“Yeah, supervision is important.”
It’s not just important. The very presence of supervision will allow you to operate with improved imagination and reading comprehension. Thanks to that, a written article can change from ten points to one hundred points. Hence, Kantoku1 is the God that rules this world. I will pray to him each and every morning towards the North.
…What were we talking about again? Ah, right, Tsukiko-chan has to supervise Steel-san as always.
“However, I have some urgent business to attend to.”
“…What kind of business?”
“Something very important. Thus I cannot come with Nee-san today. When I told her about this, she started throwing a tantrum. I’m sorry for this non-existent Nee-san of mine.”
“Well, this is Steel-san we’re talking about, so I’m not surprised. Should I just go with her?”
“Thank you very much for the offer. But it should be fine. I found someone yesterday who offered to do it. Though Nee-san wouldn’t listen at all.” Tsukiko-chan gripped Steel-san’s clothes with one hand.
The sight of her was as normal as ever. Nothing about her was out of the ordinary. There were no signs of tension or awkward behaviour, either. Even though something drastic had happened yesterday.
“Welp…” I felt the strength in my shoulders vanish.
I yet again felt stupid for getting all worked up over this. I should be able to relax now and feel some sort of relief about it. But…
“—I wonder why…”
Some sort of darkness caused a ruckus inside my heart. I felt a sense of unease. I couldn’t put it into actual words, but something weird still plagued me. But while I was pondering the origin of this feeling…
“Hm?”
I heard the sound of an engine coming from the direction of the main entrance.
“It seems like they’ve arrived.” Tsukiko-chan said with a nod.
I watched her in a daze as she opened the front gate.
What had arrived was a deep red sports car, shattering the tranquility of the morning with the loud sound of its engine. It was shaped like a fiery bull, and its headlights were like horns shining through the darkness. When I saw how low the car was to the ground, I figured it probably wasn’t built here in Japan. While scraping its legs on the asphalt, it slowly came to a halt in front of the Tsutsukakushi Household. Until the engine came to a complete stop, it sounded like a truck approaching us.
“Isn’t this…?”
I’m not too familiar with fancy cars by any means, but it looked similar to a plastic model Ponta has on his desk. Isn’t this a—Lamborghini Countach? Buying that should blow your budget past tens of millions of yen, and add another million each year just to keep it clean and proper. There was a brief silence after the engine came to a stop. The door flew open and a small figure appeared.
“Tsuu-chan, good morning!”
“E-Emi!?”
“…Oh, Onii-chan, you surprised me!”
The space twintails monster who leaped at Tsutsukakushi glanced over at me and blinked. She seemed to be in a good mood today, and she was in her innocent-girl mode. She was wearing a poncho made for children, with bonbons dangling down from it like balls of chocolate. Her shorts had a water droplet design on them, and they sparkled when she once again jumped up into the air.
“Sorry to call you here this early.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. I’m happy that you’re relying on me! Yahoo!”
“Thank you very much. Yahoo, yes.”
She clapped her own palms onto Tsutsukakushi’s, sharing an energetic high-five. One girl was smiling from the bottom of her heart, whereas the other had no expression whatsoever. It’s a perfect contrast of girls in the modern age. Onii-san might be a bit older than them, but he wouldn’t mind joining in on this joyful scene.
“So you called Emi here, Tsutsukaksuhi?”
“Exactly. I wanted Emi-san to transport—or rather, escort—Nee-san.” Tsutsukakushi turned her gaze towards the sports car as the driver’s door opened.
“Good morning, desu. Preparations all good? Fighto desu!”
Naturally, it was Emi’s father, or the foreigner whom I knew so well. Steel-san lowered her head several times, as did Tsukiko-chan, and I joined in as well.
“Wow! Nice to meet you! Hello, yes!” He flashed a gentle smile like we had known each other for a while.
“Ah, good day… to you?”
“I like Emi! You like Emi! We are friends!”
He seemed like a very friendly person, and he took my hand, shaking it up and down. Indeed, since we both belong to the Emanuella Appreciation Committee, we truly are friends, dear Father!
“Wait! Hold on a second! Emi Papa and Tsukiko-chan know each other!?”
“Well, he is the father of a friend of mine, so we’ve at least met.”
“Since when did you get so close…?”
“You say some weird things. Weren’t you the one who brought us together, Senpai?”
“Hehe! Emi and Tsuu-chan are friends! We got close back during the Italian Pool Deathmatch!”
Tsutsukakushi and Emi both looked at each other. One was making a dazzling smile, whereas the other stayed expressionless. I guess something like that did happen, huh? I’d forgotten about it. Quite some time has passed since then, but how long has it been? I can’t remember.
“Luckily, Nee-san has also gotten acquainted with them, so they offered to drive Nee-san to the exam.”
“But isn’t Emi Papa busy? It’s a lot of work to take pictures of his daughter cosplaying.”
“There’s no way such a job exists! I’ve already told you that Papa is a university professor! In ethnology!”
“Ah, that’s right…”
“Taking pictures is just some kind of perverted hobby! No matter how many caltrops I throw at him, he won’t listen to me at all!”
“So you say, but you seem pretty happy whenever he’s taking pictures of you.”
“S-Stop touting nonsense!”
Apparently, Emi’s Papa’s major field of study concerned Japanese shrines and ancient culture. Taking pictures of his daughter is just his hobby. The university he’s employed at was apparently the one holding the test, which is why he offered to take Steel-san with him.
“Okay, Steel-san, it’s time to pay the piper. Please get ready so you can leave soon.”
“Uuu…”
When her little sister ordered her around, Steel-san let out a groan like she was the actual little sister. That in itself is pretty cute, but she’s actually a university examinee, so I can’t really appreciate it.
“Listen closely, Nee-san. Keep a hold of this.” Tsukiko-chan pulled out a wrapped bag she had been hiding behind her back. “This is your success lunch box. As long as you have this, everything will be fine. It has rice balls, hamburger, rolled eggs, and mayonnaise. I put all the food you like in it, so think of this lunch box as me.”
“This lunch box is Tsukiko…”
“And eat it.”
“I should eat it!?”
Tsukiko-chan had offered both her own body and mine to satisfy her older sister. She is quite literally the perfect example of a willing sacrifice.
“…But I haven’t mentally prepared myself yet…”
“You don’t have any time for that. Please go change.”
“Emi will help out as well!”
“D-Don’t drag me like this…”
The three of them looked like sisters as they made their way into the house. I wanted to help out as well, being the nice guy that I am, but both Tsukiko-chan and Emi stepped on my foot, which forced me to stand still. It seems like they have the wrong idea about me. How sad.
Emi’s Papa and I were left alone.
“…What?”
I happened to meet eyes with him.
“Ah, well…” I hesitated for a bit and pointed at the car. “Is this a Countach?”
“No no no, not quite. Not really, no.”
“Oh? It’s not?”
“Close, very close. It’s a Rambo Ginia Counterattack! A super great car!” He raised one finger for emphasis as he said this.
That sounds like a name you’d hear in a Sylvester Stallone movie. It smells like forgery if you ask me!
“Wow… I see. On it did you… wanted to ride?”
If I’m understanding him correctly, he just asked if I wanted to take a ride in it. Sorry, but that car can only fit two people, so there’d be no room for Steel-san if I did. I shook my head with a vague smile, and the foreigner friend approached me close enough to embrace my shoulders. With a deeper voice than usual, he whispered into my ear.
“…I like talking stalking. And I like you. How about we do another talking again another time, hm?”
It was a dandy, baritone voice. Although his manner of speech didn’t quite sell it completely, it sounded like a gentleman-esque, polite voice. My ears felt comfortable listening to it.
Where have I heard this voice before?
Just recently, in a place far from here. I feel like I’ve heard this voice before, coming from someone who wasn’t him. While I was feeling this sense of deja-vu, he once again shook my hand and entered the Tsutsukakushi Household.
*
Steel-san is someone I had called a king not too long ago. After she stepped out of her room, having finished changing into some proper clothes, she acted like a completely different person. While we ate breakfast together, she kept her back straight and her body seemed filled with determination. After finishing her meal, she clapped her hands together in front of the small shrine for her parents. When she got up, her eyes showed no hesitation whatsoever.
“…It is time.”
The sight of her walking ahead made me think of a warrior princess heading to battle. It made me want to see her holding a blade in each hand. However, in modern times, we had to make do with a pen and eraser… So why isn’t she holding anything?
“Take it easy much important!”
“…So you say.”
Emi’s Papa carried Steel-san’s bag. She wasn’t bothered at all by the idea that she might have forgotten something. Either she’s super focused now or she’s super nervous, and I can’t tell which is which.
“Papa is here to help you if you need it!”
“Nee-san, good luck.”
“I pray for victory in battle!”
Steel-san gave no response. She did not turn around, she only faced forward. Her and Emi’s Papa took their seats inside the Rambo Whatsit Car, and the sky finally showed a few white clouds as the engines started to roar. Nobody said anything. It was a short period of intense studying that felt like ages, but I hope she at least produces some results that don’t betray all of our efforts up until now. Tsukiko-chan continued to stare at the asphalt road long after the car was gone.
“…Let’s have breakfast as well,” She muttered.
“Eh? Didn’t we just…?”
“That was early breakfast.”
“So what are we eating now?”
“Middle-early breakfast.”
“How many times do you eat per day!?”
Well, as long as Tsukiko-chan is here at home, Steel-san should be able to focus on her important exam.
As anyone would expect, I couldn’t keep up by eating yet another breakfast with the glutton who had bested the jumbo-size takoyaki, so I ended up just watching her instead.
“No matter how many times I come here, Tsuu-chan’s place is so cool! So much Japanese air…” Emi’s eyes were sparkling as she walked around inside the banquet hall.
If she keeps talking like that, she’ll turn into her father soon. I instead focused on Tsukiko-chan munching away on her meat buns.
“What business do you have today?” I asked.
“…A guest is coming over.”
“A guest, huh?”
I could tell who it was without needing any additional information. Azuki Azusa. The pig has called the sheep to its own house after that big of a fight. She probably doesn’t plan on eating her or anything, but I can’t help worrying about it.
“The earlier the better, is what I thought.” Tsutsukakushi carefully folded the steamed bun’s wrapping paper as she spoke.
Even though there’s several meat buns left, she seems to be satisfied already. It seems that Tsukiko-chan misjudged the amount she could eat. Considering how bottomless this glutton is, this was pretty unprecedented.
“Listen, Tsutsukakushi.” I continued to act nonchalant, but I chose my words carefully. “If… if there’s something I can do, then—”
“I see.” Tsutsukakushi nodded.
Something white started to fall down on the yard. The sky was blue, there were no clouds in sight, and yet such a color danced through the air. Is this really snow, or is it just rain? Or is it something entirely different?
“Hm…” Tsutsukakushi slowly averted her gaze from me, instead looking outside as the precipitation fell. “I am not nearly good enough of a girl.” She reached out at the air in front of her, trying to figure out what it was. “I kept acting unfair and cunning, I complained all the time, I kept sulking all the time, and I even vented my anger out on others. I am worse than pigs people have for livestock. Going ‘oink oink’ is a good fit for me.”
“…Tsutsukakushi-san?”
“But the words I told you before were not a lie. I will grow. I decided to become a human being that can stand on my own two feet.” Finally, Tsutsukakushi looked upwards. “I’ve bothered you a lot up until now. And I probably will in the future as well. But I will stop relying solely on Senpai. No matter if I get lost, no matter how much I hesitate, I will never lose sight of this.”
“……”
“So that’s why… That’s why it’s fine.”
Tsutsukakushi said these words as she looked up at the sky. The normal rain and real snow came falling down. Her profile might look like she can’t make any expressions, but there’s no way she doesn’t feel anything. Her body couldn’t be more delicate. It looked like it would break if I embraced her. She looks like a small child, but of course, she can’t stay like this. Her small tail-hair looked like it was emitting the will and energy to grow.
“……”
I spaced out for a brief moment. Nothing but confusion and chaos filled my mind. In the midst of this, Emi came back from her trip, slightly tired.
“What, what? Are you talking about something, Tsuu-chan?”
“About how I’ve been in your care all this time, Emi-san.”
“Yeah, I know, I know! You can rely on me some more!”
Tsutsukakushi and Emi shared a high-five. I see. These two are really close. I guess Emi’s father will take good care of Steel-san after all. This must mean that Tsutsukakushi asked Emi for assistance in making up with Azuki Azusa. And not me. This was the right decision, of course, and there was no room for me to object.
And yet, completely illogically of course, I couldn’t keep this sense of discomfort inside of me at bay.
Eventually, the sound of the doorbell ringing filled the banquet hall.
“…Alright. Girls be ambitious, yes.” Tsutsukakushi formed fists with her hands and made her way to the door, bringing the guest back with her.
It was Azuki Azusa, of course. She entered the room a few steps after Tsutsukakushi.
“…Oh.” She saw me sitting there, and her eyes opened in surprise. “Hi there.” She narrowed her eyebrows and smiled.
Her smile was stiff, of course, but she still managed to force one out. It wasn’t an expression of someone who sought help. It wasn’t the gesture of a puppy that had made up its mind. Instead, she gave a natural smile. One you would expect from a girl who had been invited to another girl’s room.
“I’m sorry about this, but could you and Emi-san spend some time alone?”
Tsutsukakushi was the same way. She spoke in her usual indifferent tone. The two of them passed by me, or rather they walked away from me, next to each other. Both of them were on their own. They weren’t holding hands, nor were they getting too close nor too far from each other. In the distance, I heard the sound of the door to Tsutsukakushi’s room opening. I don’t know what goal Tsutsukakushi had when she called her here, nor do I know what Azuki Azusa was thinking while she made her way here. I guess they are both trying to settle the score for yesterday without having to rely on me.
This time around, Yokodera Youto was a complete outsider, and I had no power or choice to take here. I could only gaze up at the sky, look at my palm, and shake my head.
What exactly is this sense of discomfort I’m feeling? What am I so concerned about? The rising sun on this winter morning was too bright, but it wasn’t enough to lift this feeling of darkness inside of my heart.
It was at that moment that I felt someone watching me. When I looked to my side, I realized that Emi had vanished, and was instead hiding in the shadows of a nearby wooden beam.
“What’s wrong?”
“…That person…”
When I approached her, I could see that Emi’s face was clouded.
“That person?”
“No, it’s nothing…”
She shook her head, but her high tension from before had vanished elsewhere. Has she always been so much of a coward that she’d hide in the shadows like this? If I were to push her down right now, I might be able to get a totally different reaction from her than usual. Of course, I don’t know what kind of event that would end up being, but I’ll preserve an explanation of it for later when it actually comes down to it.
“…Oh right, you’ve always been bad at dealing with her.”
During the field trip, Emi also ran away as soon as she spotted Azuki Azusa. It’s probably some kind of trauma induced by the encounter with the Cat God who had borrowed Azuki Azusa’s body during the Italy incident at school a few months back. It’s because she’s afraid of having her existence being here denied. I doubt that is something that can be fixed that easy. I’ve explained to her several times that Azuki Azusa isn’t to blame for what happened, but she won’t listen to me at all.
“Hey, Emi, want me to show you something cool?” I took her hand.
“Okay…”
The sight of Emi nodding honestly was pretty cute. Or maybe I was just happy that I had found something to do. Something to fill this void inside of me.
*
Thanks to the loving care of the household cleaner, the storehouse was always neat and tidy. However, no matter how skilled she may be, she couldn’t remove the smell of time that had settled down here. After opening the door, which groaned as it swung open, we set foot into this atmosphere. We slowly walked deeper by the bit of light that had leaked in from outside.
“Isn’t this…?” Emi came to a sudden halt.
“That’s right. It’s that thing from before.”
In front of the storehouse’s back wall stood a thick statue of the Cat God. It’s the root of all evil, and the reason for Emi’s trauma. I pointed at it and shrugged nonchalantly.
“When you see this face, don’t you think that being scared of it feels kind of stupid?”
“I-I wasn’t scared or anything!” Emi stressed how strong she was, but still clung to me.
Maybe this has some different meaning in Italy? Maybe she wants to sleep with me? Alright, Onii-chan will adopt you!
“Uuu…”
Emi reached out with her foot, touching the statue with her toes. Naturally, the statue showed no signs of moving.
“I see, so it normally has this kind of stupid face…”
She pulled her hand away from my waist and approached the wall with one step, and then another. She stared at it, and eventually gave the statue a slap. She soon grew more intense, and eventually she was pulling off some kind of wrestling move with it. A dynamite punch, a cross kick, and even a rolling sobat!
“—Hmpf! You bell pepper bastard!”
Emi was out of breath, but her attacks didn’t lessen for a while. And that’s fine as long as it helps her get over her trauma.
“You darn, you damn—! You made an idiot out of me! So just—come at me!”
Suddenly, a strong breeze blew past us. Several clothes hampers fell down from the shelves and the plaster wall shook. I subconsciously closed my eyes from the strong wind. The normally-heavy door guarding the storehouse closed as easily as a plastic door. When I opened my eyes again, darkness had crept over us. It felt like we were isolated from civilization. Only the window allowed some light through.
“…Oh?”
I waited for my eyes to get used to the darkness, but then I realized that an overwhelming pressure had vanished. I didn’t have to blink again. The cat statue had disappeared. This giant statue that had filled a good portion of the storehouse had vanished into thin air. As if it had moved somewhere else.
“—Eh?”
“………”
Emi slowly turned towards me. Slowly, very slowly, she looked up at me. On her face, the corners of her mouth were tilted upwards.
“—Aye. Since she wished for it, it can’t be helped.”
“No way…”
“Since this was a good chance, I came at her. You lot really are pleasantly unpleasant.” It spoke with Emi’s face, Emi’s mouth, and Emi’s voice. “It’s been a while, Yokodera-kun. I didn’t want to meet you again, though. But I thought I needed to at least settle our score once and for all.” The Cat God inside Emi flashed an uncomfortable, leering smile.
*
“—This girl’s consciousness is sleeping, so don’t worry.” The Cat God walked around the storehouse as it spoke nonchalantly.
Even though these gestures resembled the ones that Emi had made in the banquet hall, it was still eerily different. All of her cuteness and any concept thereof had vanished, and now it was like she was wearing a holy veil instead.
“She’s just a tool in the end. You shouldn’t feel hurt about her. More importantly, shouldn’t you be worrying about yourself? Now it’s only you and me together here, right?” Emi’s gaze traced over me from below, thought it wasn’t Emi’s gaze at all.
The Cat God was creating expressions on Emi’s face I had never seen before. I… couldn’t bear to see it.
“…Right back at you. Did you forget that it’s just the two of us alone here now?”
“Hmm?”
“Just try doing something to Emi. I dare you. If you do, I’ll get my revenge, and you won’t like it.”
“Revenge… this is why you savage humans are such a bother. J-Just for reference though, what kind of revenge are we talking about?”
“I’ll take away the statue’s chastity.”
“…C-Chastity?” Cat God Emi’s eyes blinked, and she looked around her. “……”
Finally, she seemed to have understood the severity of the two of us being alone. I could see that her body was shivering. You should have waited for her to take out that pumpkin bazooka at least, shouldn’t you?!
“I’ll turn it into a mess, make it all slimy and wet, and dig it down.”
“Eeek!”
“Of course, I won’t stop even if you apologize with tears in your eyes. No, the real thing will start once you start crying.”
“Eeeeeek!”
“Texture is texture, and bulge is bulge, I’ll color every square inch of you with my own color!”
“Eeeeeeek!?” The Cat God finally started looking for a place to escape.
However, there was no place to find.
“Don’t run away now. Stay with me.”
“L-L-L-L-Let go!”
When I grabbed Cat God Emi, she had no means of resisting, considering that she was inside Emi’s fragile body. I feel like I can use this as really good reference material for the future. Like for a drama CD or something like that.
“This has to be against the rules! Something like this is inconceivable! You’re a human being, so don’t you think it’s extremely rude to act this way towards a God like me!?”
“To be honest, it really gets me going.”
“Eeeeeeeek!”
Her face was already streaked with tears. I’ve never seen Emi make an expression like this before! She’s weaker than any grade school student I’ve ever seen!
“I’ll make you reflect on it quite a lot, so turn back to normal quickly, would you? If not, you won’t ever be able to wash away my stench.”
“W-Wait a moment… I have something to talk with you about!”
“I don’t have a moment. Three, two, one…”
“Again, wait a second! Wait! Please wait! I’ll do anything!”
“Hmmm?”
“It’s true that I have something to talk about! You’re completely unaware of your own fate, so I decided to meddle just a bit. Are you not interested in this mistake you keep committing? We can just talk about it! It won’t take any of your time!”
What kind of sales talk is this? Are you really a god?
“…Well, listening to you for a bit won’t hurt.”
“Yay! Thank you very much!” Cat God Emi clapped her hands together, and made a small jump of joy.
She then shook her head, as if she had realized that everything had gone wrong. Again, is this really a god? She’s more like a pet than anything.
…Well, then again, a rotten god is still a god. Japanese legends are full of rotten gods. It might have been a mistake for me to let down my guard for even just a second.
*
“Let’s take this as an example,” the Cat God said. “We have the English writer Shakespeare, and his tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. You know the gist of the story, right? A foolish man and foolish woman suffer from a foolish misunderstanding instigated by their foolish friends, and die a foolish death. The story is filled with foolish humans. It’s an unpleasant story.”
As far as I knew, Romeo and Juliet wasn’t that kind of story. I guess that this god is the type of being that thinks every tragedy is foolish. I think all the girls in the world would jump at its throat for sure.
“However, what if this foolish man and foolish woman arrived at a certain level of wisdom, and somehow managed to avoid the tragedy? Then everyone could live happily ever after, right? The end. That would delight the audience, wouldn’t it?”
“I wonder…”
“No, not in the slightest. They would without a doubt find such a thing unpleasant. Even though Romeo and Juliet suffer from an unreasonable tragedy, nobody would be satisfied with a Deus Ex Machina saving them at the end. That is the essence of humanity.”
“So what? Do you like to cause people to have tragedy just because?”
“Nay. The only person I want to blame—is you. This is the entire feeling of discomfort that you have.”
“…Huh?”
“Do you really feel happy seeing this girl and the other girl working hard by themselves to make up?” The Cat God approached me, peering right into my face.
No light approached us from the closed door of the storehouse. Time passed, as the inside grew darker and darker. It was darker than black.
“Instead of feeling happy—didn’t you loathe the idea of resolving the tragedy?”
This is the unrivaled space of the god’s influence. Like an actor standing on top of a stage, it painted the surroundings with its words.
“…What are you on about? I myself wanted to do something to resolve this. Why wouldn’t I be happy if they made up?”
“Ah, that perception is twisted. No matter what you say, you’re not doing this for anyone else’s sake. It’s merely for your own.”
“That’s right. What’s wrong with that?”
“A lot. After all—It’s not for her sake at all.” Like it was toying with its words, the Cat God chose a very special intonation.
The sunlight from high up didn’t reach down to the depths of the storehouse. I couldn’t make out anything in the darkness that surrounded me. But I could feel something moving around like a worm.
“You want to resolve this with your own strength. If they managed to resolve this fight through their efforts, you wouldn’t be able to feel happy about it. It feels like you’re being hit by something invisible when you can’t work with them to resolve this. Almost like you desire to be the savior of their world, don’t you think?”
“That’s…”
“That’s not true? It’s something that even you without shame can’t deny, right? This sense of discomfort you feel. This arrogance that makes you detest the idea of them walking away, dealing with this situation on their own… If this feeling isn’t twisted, then what else can you call it?”
“You…”
It’s just running that dirty mouth however it wants. I tried to laugh it off, but my cheeks tightened up, and I couldn’t even force a smile. Sharp fangs of ice dug into my cheeks, not allowing my muscles to move.
“Have you finally realized it? You’re getting crazier and crazier. It’ll be too late once you actually catch on to it.”
In my stead, the Cat God made an ominous, uncomfortable laugh. I’ve grown tired of this. It makes my ears bleed. They hurt so much I can’t take it. Is this how I feel? That I want some kind of self-gratification, something in this world that needs me? No, that’s impossible, I thought, and shook my head. The fact that I am here at the Tsutsukakushi Household is the perfect proof of that. I came here because I couldn’t help it, I was just simply worried.
Is that really it?
Just what did I feel this morning when I dashed out of the house? When I got that phone call, when I jumped on my bike, was I really not seeking out a place I could belong? Did I really not subconsciously expect something?
“…No.”
I took a deep glance at what was inside of my heart. It was too dark deep down there, and I can’t see the bottom. But I could tell from just glancing at it. An unknown monster was staring back at me. My feet were shaking. I felt dizzy, so dizzy that I had trouble standing. At that moment, my phone rang.
*
“Wow… I’m terribly sorry…”
From the other end, I could hear repeated apologies from my trusted foreigner friend. Since I couldn’t figure out what the problem was, I had to ask the person who had originally called me: Steel-san.
“…Mumumu… It was all my fault…”
Just as I had expected, that didn’t help much either. But I still made her talk as much as possible in an attempt to figure out what had happened.
“—You brought the wrong bag?”
She had apparently left her bag, the one she packed for the exam, at home.
“…I should have checked one more time…”
“No no, it is my fault… fucking my god…”
The two of them had arrived at the testing center and were shocked when they checked their belongings. A lot of people were getting there, and the test was getting close to starting. She didn’t need a ticket or anything to participate, of course, so the only problem was her missing lunch box and her hexagonal pencil. Without that, Steel-san wouldn’t be able to show her true skill, it seems. Regardless of how questionable her methods were, she had definitely worked hard for this.
“…I have no excuses. My deepest apologies, Mother…” A lamenting voice came from Steel-san. “There’s nothing any of us can do about it, but you came to mind for some reason, Yokodera.”
“…Me?”
“I just called you on a whim… I’m sorry…” She spoke in what sounded like a despondent voice, like she was about to cry.
It was like a magic sword had lifted the curse the Cat God put on me, and magic wings had allowed me to break free from the shackles binding me down. My emotions started burning full-force, induced by the voice of someone important to me. There’s no way I’d let the comedy finish in a Bad End. There’s no way I’d not help out at all. As if I would let it end like this.
“I’ll do something about it. Just wait somewhere out of sight for five minutes.”
“…R-Really?”
“With your eyes closed, if possible.”
“Hmm… why…?”
“Just trust me!”
“O-Okay!”
After this, I hung up. Of course, I won’t be able to make it in time even if I start running now with her bag in hand. Unless I relied on some miraculous power that allowed objects to be warped. I looked at the Cat God. One of the cats of the Tsutsukakushi Housegods, the one who can pull things to herself. However…
“Not going to happen.” The Cat God gave a nonchalant answer.
“Why?! Steel-san is in trouble, you know! Don’t you exist for Steel-san’s sake?”
“I won’t deny that, of course. However, this time around, I can’t really agree that this is for the sake of the heir of the main family.”
“What are you talking about? Of course it’ll—”
“I don’t think so. Is it really fine for her to waste her life by going to college? Don’t you think she’s allowed to choose for herself, and do what she wants to do?” The Cat God used Emi’s big eyes to gaze off into the distance.
“Humans are complicated, and her life is painfully short. There’s no way she can do everything this world has to offer, so wouldn’t it be better for her to focus on something she can do, and spend her limited time on something she truly enjoys? Or do you disagree with me?” The Cat God spoke using words I had heard before.
And then it smiled with Emi’s face.
“Even if it’s your wish, then that changes nothing. Even if you twist and distort your reason and reason d’être, I’m ready to be a god who won’t grant your wish.”
“Why…?”
“I don’t have any sort of positive affection towards you by any means. Or, to put it in simpler terms, I despise you. Think about that previous exchange we shared. After all that violence and disorder you caused, I don’t see any reason that would move me to help you.”
“…Please, I beg you. I’ll apologize for everything I’ve done.”
“Ohh? That being said, I’ve heard that the way to apologize in this country has a different level to it?”
“Like… this?”
“Deeper. Stronger. You have to look more pathetic.”
“…Please, I beg you.”
I kneeled on the floor, rubbing my forehead against the ground. In response, the Cat God let out a long sigh.
“Ahhh… this is great. Seeing you in a pathetic state like this makes my chest tingle in joy…”
“…So then?”
“—But. I. Refuse.” The Cat God spoke these words one at a time.
It’s voice sounded disinterested, like it never had any plans to fulfill my wish in the first place.
“I follow what I find significance in, and only grant wishes that benefit the heir. Right now, I’ve decided that it would be better to not grant your wish.”
“No way…”
“She’ll even hate you for disappointing her and leaving her all alone in this dire situation. Go rot and die bathed in your tears for all I care.” The Cat God started insulting me. “Regret your choices for the rest of your life as you crawl on the dirty ground. I’ll gladly watch that as long as you still have breath in you!” The Cat God insulted me with typical Cat-God-like words. “Ahaha, it’ll be so much pleasure that I can barely handle it! This is what you get!” The Cat God insulted me with words even a monkey would be able to understand.
Three strikes. You’re out now.
“…Alright, I get it.” I grabbed the Cat God by the neck.
“Hey now, are you resorting to violence? Is that all you can think of? I’m currently inside the body of a friend of yours whom you love so much. Think this through a bit. Are you really fine with whatever happens to this body? You shouldn’t be, right? ….Right?”
“You… just shut up for a second.”
“W-What did you say?”
I put my hand under Emi’s armpit and started tickling her.
“…Wha!?” A groan escaped Emi’s body, but I continued. “Wha… Wha… What are you…thinking—!?” I held down her arms and legs and launched another attack.
You get what you deserve. This is the reverse pumpkin bazooka. If I had to guess, Emi’s body itself was probably used to being tickled, but the same can’t be said for what’s inside.
“Nya, hahaha, s-stop… Why are you…? Urgh…!”
Yeah, I bet that the Cat God is ticklish. Arts saves the body, and love saves the world. How many times do you think I’ve played with Emi until now? How many times do you think I’ve violated Emi’s illegal body?! I know all of her weaknesses! The gods are beings you use, not beings who are allowed to play with the humans below them. Those gods who don’t understand that logic—will be trained like the dirty animal they are!
Three minutes later…
A twitching and sweating body of a young girl was right in front of my eyes.
“…Fofiff me… Fwease…”
“Hmm? I can’t hear you.”
“I’ll do anyfin… Yokodera-sama…fwease…”
“Then bring Steel-san’s bag right here.”
“Okay…”
While Emi’s body continued to twitch, the Cat God inside of it muttered feebly. After that, the bag that Steel-san had with her appeared in the storehouse. It really was like a miracle. Yet again, I was impressed by the Cat God’s power. However, things were different this time around. This time, nothing about our normal lives has been distorted in the process. My wish had been granted the exact way I wanted it to.
I left the storehouse and looked around for a bit, and I soon found the real bag. It was lying in a corner on the floor, as if someone had thrown it away. I switched the contents of the bags, and after zipping it up, I went back.
“Cat God, cancel it.”
“…Yesh…”
The second I cancelled my wish, the bag disappeared, along with its contents. That meant the Cat God’s magic was a success. No traces were left behind, nothing was left undone, and nobody was bothered by it. It was perfect. When I called Steel-san to make sure that everything had worked, I could already hear voices of admiration and celebration.
“Good great excellent! You really are a miracle nice boy…” The foreigner friend of mine spoke with a delighted voice.
But, even more than that, Steel-san couldn’t keep it down any longer.
“Yokodera! Ohh Yokodera! The man I put my trust in!”
“Will you be able to give it your all now?”
“Indeed! Leave it to me! The thing is, last night, when I was doing my last practice test I actually scored a perfect grade in everything!”
“W-What did you say!?”
“Well, for one question, the lines for me to write the answer were wrong. I guess the publisher just messed up, I guess.”
“Um, that means that you messed up your…”
…No, this isn’t the time to think about it too deeply.
“Anyway, give it your all for the exam!”
“Indeed! Thank you! I have nothing to give you but deep showers of gratitude!”
When I hung up, a feeling of joy filled my heart. At the same time, something inside of me asked a question.
Is it because you resolved this yourself?
No. Definitely not. It’s not because I was involved. I wasn’t acting like a hero of justice. I’m just happy that Steel-san’s troubles have been resolved. No matter how small of an impact I made, I helped out someone important to me. I helped avoid her shedding tears. Right now, this is something irreplaceable to me.
“—Again, this is exactly what…”
“Now then, it’s time to return Emi’s body, don’t you think?”
“Hyaaaaan!”
The Cat God was about to say something, so I gave her a second tickle attack. In the end, this idiot of a Cat God is just blurting out nonsense. I’m not wrong at all.
*
“Eh, why did I…? How…?” Emi finally woke up, but was left baffled. “So… uh… how…?” She tried to stand up, but couldn’t. “I think I’ll… go wash off this sweat…”
With stammering words and an uncertain tone, Emi said that she wanted to take a shower, and somehow made it to the showers on unsteady feet.
“Are you fine on your own? Should we wash each other?”
I felt a bit of responsibility, so I offered to wash her back like a gentleman, but Emi just threw a bottle of detergent at me. I’m glad she’s got a bit more energy, but being misunderstood really hurts no matter how many times it happens. I’ll have to buy her another water pistol when I get the chance.
I snuck around the hallways and made my way towards Tsukiko-chan’s room. It was one of only two Western rooms in the antique Tsutsukakushi Household aside from the kitchen. Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa were probably beyond this door. A friend of mine and another friend of mine were talking with someone who wasn’t their friend, just the two of them.
But I couldn’t hear anything. I held my breath and stopped moving. Even when I was about to fall into a flower bed in the heavens above, I couldn’t hear any voices. Maybe something has already happened, the room is drenched in blood, and one of them has already jumped into the flower bed before me? I felt the urge to barge into the room, but barely managed to keep my feet on the ground.
I remembered Tsutsukakushi’s resolute face as she gazed up into the sky and Azuki Azusa’s tightened smile. Two friends of yours becoming friends is harder to achieve than world peace. The biggest problem is the fact that they’re both friends of mine. It’s like I’m an invisible cushion between them, and nothing will start if they don’t remove it. That’s why I can’t do anything.
I’m not trying to clear this up for my own sake. Of course, I won’t reach out even to give them a helping hand. I will do ‘nothing at all’. This is much more difficult than doing this for someone else’s sake, or trying to take the blame for something. It’s more difficult because it requires me to trust someone else.
*
I understand mentally, but I can’t help being interested, so in order to clear my mind, I tried another sneak attack into the bath during Emi’s shower, but a booby trap with another detergent bottle surprised me, marking this as another failed attempt. She’s not half bad, huh? Seeing her grow like this makes me feel like a father. I decided to try to go through the window in the courtyard, so I went back to the banquet hall.
“…Huh?”
I saw two people sitting on the porch. They were Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa, who I thought should have been in Tsutsukakushi’s room.
“…And then…”
“…But…”
The two of them gazed out at the yard, their shoulders glued to each other.
“Don’t tell me—”
I thought the tragedy from yesterday was repeating itself, so I quietly approached.
“…He just goes on and on, saying kind things like that.”
“Good grief, what a troublesome person he is. His kindness is a sin.”
“Fufu. Maybe?”
They were talking about someone. I spaced out for a second.
“What are you two talking about?” I asked them, and they both turned around.
“A secret!”
“Yes, yes.”
They both shook their heads. Azuki Azusa snickered, whereas Tsutsukakushi Tsukiko nodded. Why does it feel like I’m being left out here? Oh right, Shakespeare had his loved one stolen from his lover… Well, it’s not like I have a lover or loved one to begin with. Either way, Tsutsukakushi and Azuki Azusa were sitting next to each other. They were close enough for their elbows to touch. They weren’t keeping a safe distance from each other like yesterday.
“It seems like you’ve gotten really close, huh?”
“……”
“……”
The two of them grew quiet. They looked each other in the face from a close distance.
“Hm? Not really?”
“Not quite, no.”
They nodded at the same time.
“Huuuuh?”
Why are you denying it?
“Listen, Yokodera. Girls can become as close as whales and dolphins.”
“But getting along in the truest sense of the word is not that easy.”
Azuki Azusa sounded like she was bragging about something, whereas Tsukiko-chan swung her legs up and down. Yet again, they’re perfectly in sync. Doesn’t this mean they’re pretty close? I don’t understand girls. They look pretty close to me. Well, I guess you really don’t need to put a label on this relationship.
When I looked up at the sky, neither rain nor snow was falling down. Only the bright ring of the sun was shown in the blue sky.
“…I had totally forgotten about this, but…” Tsukiko-chan rubbed her tummy and checked her inner clock. “…Isn’t it time for lunch?”
“Oh my. Time has passed faster than an elephant slipping down the Himalayas.” Azuki Azusa glanced over at the clock as well.
They both looked at each other like two soldiers on their way home from a battle.
“I’m sorry about leaving Senpai and Emi-san alone for this long.”
“We had a few things to talk about.”
They spoke like they were fighting the source of evil in the world together, so I joined in as well.
“I had a lot of trouble, too, you know! I was doing God’s work behind the scenes!”
“Y-Yeah, that’s right! I know as much as a black sheep in a dark night!”
“Is that so? Yes, that must be it. Senpai is always working hard.”
“Right, Tsutsukakushi-san.”
“Yes, Azuki Azusa-san.”
They put their shoulders together, looking like they were enjoying themselves. But I don’t understand what’s so funny! Well, whatever. I’m not fighting for people to believe in me. I fight because I believe. That’s why… I figured it might be fine to believe in other people as well.
“More importantly, you two say you’re not close at all, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get there, right?”
“Um… Well…”
“We can’t deny that it may change in the future, no.”
“Why not give each other nicknames?” I suggested.
The two of them seemed confused by the prospect.
“That might be a great idea, but Yokodera, you know…” Azuki Azusa said from the right.
“You don’t even call us nicknames either, Senpai.” Tsutsukakushi said from the left.
“That’s not true! I give you lots of names inside my heart.”
Like ‘Animal Lover-san’, ‘Moon Child-chan’, ‘Puppy-san’, ‘Demon Lord-chan’, and all those.
“I would like to know what kind of names those are, but… it does make sense, I guess…” Tsutsukakushi thought for a bit as she looked up at the sky, and then she looked at Azuki Azusa. “…A-chan…?” She spoke like it was very uncomfortable.
Azuki Azusa’s body was also shivering a bit from the tension, and her face was downcast.
“What is it, T-Tsu-chan…?”
And then the two of them grew silent. It was uncomfortable to watch, like a young child introducing themselves in kindergarten. It seemed like a small step, but for the two of them it was undoubtedly a big one. Because nicknames are important. By calling each other nicknames, we get closer to the hearts of others. We approach others, hurt others, apologize to others, and live on. And one day, if they manage to get along completely and I can watch them with a smile, then I won’t need to be scared about any Cat God any longer.
1 Supervision, but I left it as kantoku since it’s clearly a play at the illustrator’s name
CClaw Translations 