Hentai Ouji to Warawanai Neko. Volume 5 Chapter 1

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The person inside Barbara-san

For what reason do people live? Of course, as you know, I live to develop spats-type competitive swimsuits (where the fabric on the chest doesn’t cover up anything; making me the columbus of the swimming world). However, when I asked Tsukiko-chan to be my very first model to try it on, she threatened to fill out a crime report, along with legal action, as well as pondering if she should take this public with mass media, so I gave up on that effort for now.

So what else am I living for? Besides swimsuits? I think about this question a lot as of late, even though it’s the kind of question you’d see in a middle-schooler’s diary. All the same, I’m sure a lot of people have an answer ready immediately.

‘I live to be together with the person I love! We build a nest like a swallow at the beginning of spring!’

There is a girl I know who thinks this way. This chicken had kissed the Prince, and witnessed the miracle of… chest growth. She became a happy swallow and soared towards the high sun with her new wings. That being said, from the wings of Ikaros who was born during the age of Gods, to the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster that happened around the time we were born, mankind’s battle with gravity always draws to a close with a Bad End. If I really want to make her happy, then what am I supposed to do?

“Fight Yo-ko-de-ra! One more lap! Don’t lose, cha cha cha!”

Right when I lost myself in philosophical speculation, I heard a voice cheering from the corner of the sports grounds, forcing me back into reality. The early-November fall sun shone through the openings of the fence, painting the track-and-field club’s members red during this afternoon. Said members’ shadows stretched along the ground, and I wondered if they were pulling the shadows, or if the shadows were pulling them. The only way to distinguish between the shadows and them was the groaning and moaning. However, in the middle of this world of shadows was a certain someone who stood out.

“Dash, last, last! You can do it, Yo-ko-de-ra!”

The girl—Azuki Azusa—shone brightly as she was showered by the setting sun. She held a megaphone in one hand and was equipped with a headband. She already had a hand towel and a lunchbox ready, and was dancing wildly like both a manager and a cheerleader, directing her cheering at me alone.

“Damnit, I finished all my running already…”

The running practice came to an end, and I came to a gradual stop. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m fairly good at long-distance running. It’s because of the competitive swimsuits I wanted to look at through the wall. I really can’t brag about this, can I? I tried to hide myself near the fence, but my escape timing was way off. Azuki Azusa slowly walked towards me, and I almost thought I could see a tail wagging behind her.

“Good work today! Here, this is for you! Today I have lemons dipped in honey!”

“Y-Yay… Thanks as always…”

“No, it’s fine. Watching you made my heart race like always!”

“I-I see… What did you like the most?”

“I’m sure this is how a gazelle must feel when it’s being chased by a smart cheetah…”

“Oh. Oh? What does this have to do with you being chased?”

“I pictured the courtyard as the savannah in Africa, and I decided that I would prefer being the one who’s being chased…”

“Sorry, I don’t quite understand what you’re trying to say there. My ability to understand something as high-level as that is way too low, Azuki Azusa.”

“It’s fine! Gazelles feel happy when they get eaten!”

Azuki Azusa’s cheeks were flushed as red as the setting sun, and she let out an embarrassed giggle as she looked at me. Though it might sound like youthful conversation, in reality we were talking about some real-life animal horror. Our club really isn’t like that, you know?

After the amusement park date a few days ago, she started acting extremely clingy. Without knowing about the jet black Demon Lord Tsutsukakushi’s rage, the Azuki Yacht kept swimming in the ocean of happiness, and her route started growing more aggressive. Or to put it in simpler terms: I, a tentative track-and-field club member, have something like a wife coming to the club, supporting me day in and day out.

Said wife had long, wavy hair, and graceful movement like a cherry blossom. At the same time, she had a devoted side to her, and solidified this even more by using chest pads for her flat chest. Azuki Azusa really has become more charming. Especially around her chest area.

“Woah, so much sweat!” She panicked a bit as she wiped the sweat away from my face, which made her look even more cute.

“A-Azuki Azusa…”

“Y-Yokodera…”

The two of us stared at each other from up close. Just a normal page in the book of youth. Another scene during a romcom that was unfolding. Ahh. What a wonderful, rose-colored life. That doesn’t change the fact that my youth and school life are suddenly being turned into a romcom out of nowhere, though.

Imagine that there’s a top-class cute girl. Imagine also a misunderstood boy who is being spoiled by her, within a club that relies heavily on coordination and teamwork. You’d be pissed, right? Anybody would be pissed. Even I would be.

“Lately, hasn’t he…”

“…Been getting a bit too arrogant?”

“He looks like absolute trash.”

“Why can’t the prince hurry and go back to his own country?”

I felt piercing gazes digging into my back, making me stagger. Not only were the girls glaring at me with scorn, but even the boys were resenting me like I was breaking some kind of code or whatever. My affection with both these parties had definitely gone down. I guess any diplomatic relations with the Kingdom of the Pervert will be failures. Or, in other words, I’ve basically turned into a loner. Naturally, Azuki Azusa has no awareness of this, nor was this her intention whatsoever. I’m pretty sure she was used to this sort of thing, anyway. A true loner is the strongest kind of person. At least that’s what Hachiman-sensei said in his guidance about youthful romantic comedies.

“Ehehe. It sure is warm today.”

“They said this morning that today was going to be the coolest this season, though.”

“It is warm! The heart! Of the gazelle!”

“I have to go somewhere else and do this thing…”

Azuki Azusa’s barrier skill blocked off the world around her, leaving me in agony. Seriously, I really have to do something about this. Or can anybody else just do something about this? Because this Yokodera-kun is making no progress whatsoever. Superman! I need your help!

“—Hey. Give it a rest already.”

Suddenly, a cold voice broke in between us.

“This outsider is really killing the motivation of the members of the track-and-field club. Do you understand how you make everyone feel? Get it already. Get it. Can you get it? Get it already. Did you get it?”

“Tsunderu-san…”

The superwoman who had appeared was someone I didn’t expect. The one who broke through Azuki Azuka’s impregnable barrier was none other than the vice president, crossing her arms with a stern face. Her jersey had a king lion engraved in it. Customizing her jersey is very much like her.

“Tell her, pervert. Tell her with a bang. If you’re a man. Or a pervert. You should be good at doing things with a bang and boom. Just like you did with someone’s socks. Just say it with a bang and a sploosh.”

“I hate to complain during your monologue, but could you not state things that actually never happened?! Keep those fantasies in your midnight bath or whatever!”

“If you can’t say it, then I will. You. Are. Being. A. Bother.” The girl’s ponytail shook in the wind as she sent a sharp glare Azuki Azusa’s way.

Since Steel-san, who was normally the person who’d be warning us, was absent today, it seems like she had taken it upon herself to create a comfortable club atmosphere. That being said…

“A-Aren’t you going a bit too far?” I stood between the vice president and Azuki Azusa.

No matter what it’s about, Azuki Azusa is a weak girl. If you say a bit too much, she’ll start crying immediately. The sight of that flashed up in my mind. I mean, even now, she was biting her lip, preparing—

“Ahaha… I guess I was insensitive.”

—Not to cry, actually.

“I don’t really get this sort of thing. I might have gotten too excited. I’m sorry.”

Instead, she lowered her head and closed her eyes with a bitter smile. It was a faint smile that looked like it would break if you touched it, like a lonely cosmos flower. Ahh, come on. See? That’s why. That’s why Yokodera-kun is no good. I can’t tell her no if she shows me a face like that.

“…I-It’s okay! You’re not bothering me in the slightest…”

“R-Really? But…”

“The vice president has a tendency of saying the exact opposite of what she means. That’s why she’s a Tsunderu-san.”

“Hey, you. What are you saying? Who’s a tsunde—”

“To translate what she just said: ‘I want to see you outside of the track-and-field club! ☆ I wanna be so buddy-buddy with Azuki-chan! ♪ Call me DereDere! ♡’.”

“Hey, moron. Pervert.”

“I-I see! Then let’s get along, DereDere-san!” Azuki Azusa’s face lit up right away, and she smiled like a blooming flower as she shook the vice president’s hand.

Heh, a puppy without fangs. Easy! Well, strictly speaking, I’m the easy one. Yokodera-kun is totally done for. Making a girl cry is an absolute no-go for me, but I’d do anything to make a girl smile. The smile of a beautiful girl is the beginning of the end.

“Hey. Wait. You pervert and girlfriend. Hey… Hey…!”

DereDere-san gave me a glance, muttered ‘I don’t care anymore’, and returned to the club members. In the end, she’s a kind girl. I think. At the same time, Azuki Azusa grew fidgety, repeating what DereDere-san had said. ‘S-She said girlfriend!’. I was the only one left able to form rational thoughts.

‘Ms. Earnest is actually a pretty annoying girl. You’d better be prepared.’

A while ago, Azuki Azusa’s friend Morii-san or Moriya-san or whoever it was told me this. Back then, I had said that I was plenty aware of that already, but it seems like I still lacked the knowledge and determination. I mean, at school, I see Azuki Azusa smiling brightly at least half the time. Whenever this classmate would go on the aggressive, another kouhai would follow.

The swallow lives to soar through the sky. Pulling the girl down who had finally managed to fly… I feel scared at the fact that I’ve start thinking it might be fine to just leave her like this.

*

At 5:40pm, the Italian-esque clocktower of the seventh building rang the bells to announce the end of club activities. Thanks to that, I once again managed to escape from the isolated barrier surrounding me. If those bells didn’t ring like that, I might have just spent the rest of my days together with Azuki Azusa. Of course, wrestling inside the ring isn’t half bad, but being left alone is bliss in times like these.

I made Azuki Azusa wait, and cleaned up the tools I had used. As expected, I found a shadow in the corner in the darkness of the gym shed.

“…Club is over.”

Once again, Steel-san was sitting inside the gym shed today.

“………”

She had her hands wrapped around her kneecaps and was resting her chin on her knees while she was lost in thought. Her long eyelashes moved slowly up and down, which was the only movement she made in the darkness.

“Club president…”

Even when I called out to her or stood next to her, there was no response. The reason someone as pushy as Azuki Azusa could even get near the club this easily lies with her. Even though Steel-san is the club president, she’s been slacking off with club activities as of late. She would always show up for the beginning of practice, but after that, she’d stagger off somewhere else. Just as much as Yokodera-kun is passionate about removing mosaics from girl videos, she’s the kind of person who should be passionate about the track-and-field club. For some reason I feel like this comparison is a bit out of line, but whatever.

If I had to guess, something must have happened. She might have eaten some grass that tasted like Tsukiko-chan by the roadside. Even though her younger sister kept telling her not to eat random grass plants like that.

“Let’s go back, Club prez. If you’re not feeling well, then we can make a stop at the nurse’s office?”

“…Ah. Yokodera, huh?”

“What’s happened to you? Everyone is worried about you, you know.”

When I tried to pull on her arm, and force her to get up, Steel-san just slowly raised her head towards me. Her ponytail, tied up with a white hair band, shone even in the darkness. Her eyes wandered all over the place.

“I… If I leave for an adventure towards a faraway land past rivers and mountains, will you be sad?”

“Hm? What are you talking about?”

“No. Forget about it. It was just a slip of the tongue. I said something weird. It seems that I need discipline… Disciplining…” She muttered. The formerly majestic lion shook her head pathetically.

“Club president, let’s go home already. Come on. Stand up. Stand up, hurry up.”

“Up… up… Apupu?”

“Are you an animal now?! I was just speaking faster like I normally do! Also, that was grade school level English! Could you please study some more?!”

“Grrr… I’m number one in the country, so it’s fine…”

“Number one in what?! Come back to reality already!” I pulled Steel-san upright, almost carrying her on my back. “If there’s anything you need to talk about, please tell me. I’m here to hear you out.”

“Don’t mind me. This is a problem unrelated to you.”

“…Well, if you say so.”

I felt the flesh of two fruits hitting my back, and I suddenly found myself busy trying to ban any impure thoughts out of my head like a wild animal in the Savannah on the hunt. She can really just be a giant baby at times. Her breath was hitting my neck, and it was like I was carrying an Onee-san. It made me feel confused, to be honest. One day, things will get dangerous with her. She’ll cause the birth of two different people known as Yokodera-kun.

…Well, enough trying to hide it. I can’t show any more good faith because of my bad habit. Speaking completely honestly, I know that she’s hiding something. No matter how many times I ask her about it, I get back a response to the effect of ‘It’s a problem that’s unrelated to you,’ which basically means ‘Stop meddling.’ Still, though, I found myself asking her that every single time.

If I was some kind of handsome protagonist in a light novel targeted at a younger male demographic, I might manage to raise a flag with a girl by being this meddlesome. Or, if I were playing a role in a girl video, I could just jump into her chest and do whatever I wanted without any repercussions. Basically, if I were the protagonist in one of either of these two, I might have been able to do whatever I wanted. Just stick my head right in there without bothering about it too much. But I used Steel-san’s denial of a problem as an excuse and ran away. I devoted all of my time to Azuki Azusa.

Today, we’ll go to the classroom, talk, leave the school gate together, talk, walk around the shopping district and eat some crepes, talk, head to the train station, talk, go back to our houses. When you look at this tight schedule, it’s not much. At least it’s honest work, though.

You really shouldn’t prioritize things like that in this world, but it just can’t be helped at times. I have to take care of one thing at a time, and if I don’t, nobody will be happy. That’s how realistic stories go, right?

This happened after I saw Azuki Azusa off at the train station. It had been a while, but I took a detour at the nearby children’s park. In times like these, when I actually wanted Ponta to give me advice, he was nowhere to be found. The only thing I could hear was the creaking sound of the swing shaking in the wind.

“Well, things like this happen, huh?”

He’s in his own world, and he has his own worries to think about. We’re still independent from each other even as friends, and our friendship isn’t something we can just use all the time. Also, as of late, he’s been oddly busy working on a flower bed. I think he’s using it for some fishy stuff. He really didn’t look like the type of person who would do that. The world is a scary place. Can I go home now, officer? I really don’t know anything. I really don’t have anything to do with him.

“…Huh?”

A rabbit with long ears was sitting on top of the bench in this otherwise empty park. It was Yaji-san, Ponta’s rabbit. She’s a pro at running away from home. She had probably run away again. But it looked like she was waiting for something as she sat motionless on the bench.

“Weird.”

When I tried to approach her, my phone vibrated. It was an email from Mom. When are you coming home? How long are you going to make me wait? Just when I was wondering what she was on about, the screen lit up again, informing me of another unread email. I opened it.

‘To whom it may concern. Tsutsukakushi here. It’s been a while. How are you doing? I have something important to talk about, so could I come to your house right away? Yours sincerely.’

“Urk…”

All these worries were blown away the instant I realized that this email had come in around two hours ago. This is bad. Exceptionally bad. Extraterrestrially bad. What is bad? I realized just from the words written in the email that it’s been a long—almost too long—time since I last saw Tsutsukakushi, and she was now treating me like a stranger. The pressure of Tsukiko-chan is greater than the pressure of the universe, I say.

*

In a panic, I rushed home, and I found a small pair of shoes at the entrance. According to my Mom, she had spotted her while walking around the neighbourhood shopping, so she invited her in.

“Did you do something to her?”

“Eh, w-why?”

“Just a while ago, she used to come here every single morning, but I haven’t seen her for a while now. We’ve run out of apple jam.”

Several Gungnir lances stabbed me right in the chest. I can’t even joke about this. Instead of apple jam running out, my relationship with my kouhai might have run out. It’s just been super awkward as of late. I know that Tsutsukakushi is sulking. I know the reason she’s sulking. But I don’t know what lies at the root of that sulking. It’s like I was chasing her inside a pool with morning mist hanging over it, and we kept losing each other as we went in circles. I don’t think this example really makes sense, does it?

Basically, I just want Tsukiko-chan to wear my spats-styled competitive swimsuit. I needed an excuse for why I didn’t check my email for two hours, and why I didn’t come see her for a week. I was busy thinking about that, and I started walking slower and slower before I realized it. In the end, I snuck closer to my room and stopped in front of it. From the half-opened door, I heard a faint voice.

“…Is that so? No, I don’t really care either way.”

It’s Tsutsukakushi. Tsukiko-chan’s voice. She seems to be on the call with someone.

“…Yes. I am very forgiving, after all. My big heart fits right inside my big chest, so I will forgive you.”

The person she’s talking to seems to be a good friend of hers. She can even joke around having a big chest.

“…I’m the longest. That’s right. It’s an advantage.”

It seems like she isn’t in too bad of a mood. My first-grade rank as a Tsukiko-chan connoisseur is telling me as much.

“…It seems like there’s a need to make Senpai understand that.”

Hm? They’re talking about me?

“…About who has been first this entire time. That we have a stronger connection. Yes.”

After she spoke, I heard an ominous sound. Click. Snip. Snip. It was a metallic sound. Steeling my resolve, I carefully took a peek through the crack at the door’s opening. Right away, a metallic-silver light was reflected in my eyes. Scissors glinted in the room’s light, and the tail-like hair of hers shook. She was seated right in the middle of my room, her small back facing me. In front of her, on my bed, was a white object. The object that should have been hidden in the cursed Pandora’s box, my hugging pillow—Barbara-san.

“Please put up with it. This is all Senpai’s fault. Senpai left me alone all this time.”

Tsutsukakushi’s hand wasn’t holding a phone. She wasn’t actually talking with anyone. She was talking to herself, with Barbasa-san in front of her. A-Ah, well, yeah! That happens, right?! Definitely. When I’m busy playing gal games, I read them out loud, too. It makes me feel like I’m on both sides of the stick. It’s a hybrid 2D-3D combo of a playing style—I’m sorry, that’s not it.

You’re scary, Tsukiko-chan! But cute at the same time! The fact that she can make a hugging pillow her friend is scary yet cute, and the fact that she can act out two roles as one person is also scary yet cute. The sound of the scissors opening and closing was scary yet scary. Tsukiko-chan’s inability to graduate from playing house is super cute! Or so I thought, but…

“—There.”

Tsutuskakushi didn’t hesitate. She slammed the scissors right into Barbara-san. My beloved Barbara-san, with whom I had spent countless sleepless nights with, was quickly cut into pieces. The cotton inside was thrown away and shredded until the inside was completely hollow.

“…!”

My fight-or-flight instincts kicked in, and I slowly backed away from the room. I felt a shiver running down my neck, and my entire body felt ice cold. This sensation moved to the tips of my fingers, making me feel like I was trying to survive on a snowy mountain. Yokodera-kun has spotted an actual Yuki Onna on his travels, and it’s located on the second floor of the Yokodera Household!

Scary! This is way too scary, Tsukiko-chan! Just peeking inside my own room made me fear for my life. I wanted to run away, but…

“…Huh…?”

A memory flashed before my eyes. It was the scene back at the restaurant at the amusement park when Tsutsukakushi had drawn herself close towards me. I do think that I’m a moron. I run away from all sorts of enemies, I make wrong choices, and I get scolded by various girls. But I swore to be sincere. If Tsutsukakushi really has some sort of pitch-black black box inside, wouldn’t it be the best option to fill that hole? And if she’s able to grow in all sorts of places here and there as a result of that, wouldn’t that be satisfying?

“I can’t… just run away.” I turned around.

I could still hear her voice from the door’s opening.

“Hmm. A perfect fit. Indeed, indeed. It’s warm, and it has a nice scent. All that’s left is to put it into practice.” She kept mumbling to herself.

Even though I knew that Tsutsukakushi was always rational, she apparently was entirely different when she was alone. Something weird is going on. Definitely. I can’t ignore this any longer.

“I will declare it and it shall be done. The nonchalantly… tackle him so that we can be… together project—the NTT Project—starts n—”

“—It’s okay! I’ll do whatever you want! So please stop this!” I opened the door and barged into my room.

What greeted me was an empty room.

“…Huh?”

No, wait. Correction. In the corner of my view, I could see Barbara-san… shaking. At least that’s what it seemed like to me. Nobody was in the room. Only the hugging pillow was there with a lump of cotton next to it. The inside of the pillow should have been completely empty, and yet it looked like it was stuffed full. It was a rather odd shape.

“…Huh…”

No, let me correct that again. From the opening at the bottom of Barbara-san, I could see two oddly familiar feet sticking out.

“…Oh…?”

Let’s put two and two together. Tsutsukakushi was just in this room. She took out the insides of Barbara-san. Right now, Tsutsukakushi is not here. Barbara-san has grown legs. In other words…

“Tsuuukiiikooo? Hmm. Maybe she went home…”

“……”

I called out to the girl whose location I knew. When I did, I saw Barbara-san’s feet twitch. Indeed, Tsukiko-chan is inside the hugging pillow. Seriously, what is this girl doing?

After thirty seconds of pondering about it, I managed to retrace Tsutsukakushi’s thought process. I honestly had never tried getting into a hugging pillow. I’m a boy, after all. I just want to hug the hugging pillow. However, the girl Tsutsukakushi Tsukiko went one step further. She had snuck into the hugging pillow, embracing it from the inside. She was being embraced. By whom? Barbara-san of course.

Wow, what a great idea. Everyone has their own way of expressing love, I guess. But I wonder what this feeling inside my chest is. Is this what they call NTR? Why am I so shaken by this?

“Oh my, Barbara-san is out of the closet. I thought I stowed her away this morning! Weird! It seems like she’s even grown feet now! A hugging pillow with legs is quite a surreal sight!”

“………”

I tried to give her a way out as I cleared my thoughts, but Tsutsukakushi(’s feet) merely twitched, not moving an inch. Does she really think she’s still hiding? How naive can you be?

“Man, Barbara-san is as beautiful as ever!”

“………”

I sat down on the bed right next to the hugging pillow. The sight of the feet poking out from inside the hugging pillow reminded me of a wet tuna. It seems like she’s telling herself she’s in the refrigerator, and is trying to control her sweat.

“Hmmm…”

Since this was a perfect chance, I poked the tuna gently. Her slender, small toes looked like a bar of chocolate, and her ankles were small and round like cookies. Her heel was flat and pale like almond. It was almost like God himself had set up this scene to showcase Tsukiko-chan’s cuteness. The more I poked at it, the more I enjoyed it, the more I created a Cambrian explosion. I grabbed her ankle tightly.

“…Ah!”

The head portion of Barbara-san shook violently. That reaction was so enjoyable that I ran my fingertips along her foot.

“Fuwah?! Mm… Ugh…”

This time, a voice left her mouth that I could hear clearly. Barbara-san twitched and wriggled like an insect, but tried to be quiet. She doesn’t even know. Oho. Ohoho? So we’re doing this? Oho oho oho. Since I’m a third-level Tsukiko-chan connaisseur, I narrowed my eyes and made up my mind. This means war. It’s willpower versus willpower now!

“I’m sorry for being born. I will reflect on it…”

The person apologizing was me. I had lost versus none other than Pillow Tsutsukakushi. Tsutsukakushi writhed in agony for a while inside the hugging pillow, only to eventually leap out at me and start biting me. Rip Rip, crunch crunch. The crunching lasted for around three minutes. Yeah, I can barely describe it in words. Once that special experience ended—

“For crying out loud. Always, always, always. For crying out loud, why are you always such a pervert, Senpai? Are you a pervert and a Senpai, or a Senpai who is a pervert?”

Tsukiko-chan’s vocabulary range is on another level. I was busy pondering in admiration when she slapped my hands on the floor with a ruler.

“Who told you that you could raise your head?”

“…I’m sorry you are perfectly right I received no permission to do so…”

I forgot to mention it, but I’m prostrating myself right now. Tsutsukakushi had finally calmed down, and she was sitting on the bed as she looked down at me like I was being prosecuted in a trial. Out of all the small and tender body parts she possesses, looking at her from head to toe, her eyes were the only ones that were emitting this overwhelming pressure. They had a blue color like her older sister’s, potent enough to make you her slave.

“What are you looking at? Is there something you’d like to say?”

“To quote the beautiful Marie Antoinette: If I have sweets, I might as well eat them…”

“Marie-san never said anything like that.”

“Were you friends or something?!”

“Also, why are you talking about sweets? Would you bite into anyone’s feet if they’re in front of you?”

“Not that, not that. I was just saying that feet are generally beautiful! It’s a thought that challenges Platon’s platonic thought of general ideas! Basically, it’s a philosophical rebellion away from Platonic Love! The 21st Century has Existential Love instead!”

“I don’t get it one bit. You really have a bad habit of trying to deceive me by using weird words. Could you please put it in terms that I understand?”

“…I just… I think that Tsukiko-cha—Tsukiko’s feet are beautiful! Indeed, I did nothing wrong! Your truly ideal feet made me do it!”

“You’re just repeating yourself there. Ideal, huh? Is that so?” Tsutsukakushi slightly tilted her head, fidgeting with her tail-hair.

No matter how many times I see it, it’s an unbelievably lovable and cute gesture. When she realized that I was staring at her, Tsutsukakushi closed her mouth tightly and averted her gaze. After a brief silence, she sighed.

“…Very well. Since I’m the first and longest one, I possess the widest heart, and I’ll forgive you this once. You get special treatment specifically because I am the longest, okay?”

“So kind! Much wow! Very cute!”

“But I’ll get angry if you bother me during my cleaning again.”

“So that just now was cleaning?”

“Do you have a problem with that?”

“No, none at all!”

Slipping into Barbara-san in order to clean is quite old fashioned. But I’ll take her position into account and not inquire any further. And thus, the grotesque hugging pillow incident came to a glorious end. Maybe this was the reason she had stayed inside Barbara-san for so long. Maybe it was just to create a situation where she could say that. I completely fell for her bait, bait that took the form of her own body. I feel like she used quite an advanced technique on me there, but it felt good for me, so I’ll take it.

…Anyway.

“So did you have something to talk with me about?”

“Yes.”

“But I didn’t come back for a while.”

“That’s right.”

“And so you started cleaning to spend the time.”

“Exactly,” Tsutsukakushi nodded.

Indeed, that’s logic I can get behind. If anything, my security, or lack thereof, with my treasured goods was a fatal mistake. Beneath her were boxes marked with a ◯ or a big X. Though her attention was focused solely on Barbara-san right now, she cleaned more than just the hugging pillow. The incident on top of the bed is nothing but a side-product. She had pulled all of my treasured goods from beneath my bed. That reminds me, haven’t I heard somewhere before that Tsutsukakushi has actually kept detailed notes about these?

‘He keeps 37 books with lewd content, 54 videos with very indecent scenes, 16 disgusting practical use wares, and one Barbara-san beneath his bed.’

This is what her Onee-san told me a while back. I knew that she would eventually use this data, but apparently I had been too careless in that regard.

“Um… There’s a lot of things marked with X here. Are you really going to throw all of them away?”

“Yes. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, trash to trash, and good-for-nothing people to good-for-nothing people.”

“…Are you angry, by any chance?”

“…No, not at all. It’s because you haven’t spent any time with me lately. Just kidding.” Tsutsukakushi muttered in a voice almost too quiet to pick up. Oddly enough, that made me want to hug her, but when you consider her reason for barging into my room and cleaning up without my consent, is it safe? Is it a bad idea? Personally speaking, I’d call it a home run that’ll let me get to home base. It feels like we’re gonna jump right into the marriage ceremony and what comes after.

I swallowed my tears and said goodbye to all my precious goods. This is how a young boy becomes a man, isn’t it? Although you might not be able to understand, all these goods actually tell a story about how Yokodera-kun has grown through the years. That being said, I feel like I’m seeing a pattern here with how these boxes have been differentiated.

‘Street corner Marshmallow Visitor 3’, ‘The great rocket bazooka war of the sports club’s ponytail girl’, ‘Pervert King and My Breasts.’ These items and more were in the trash boxes, whereas works such as ‘They’re so small that I can’t see them!’, ‘LoliBall Club’, and ‘Comic R-0’ were all designated to be left alive. Why can’t she just grow up and be more tolerant of these sorts of things?

“…A pervert through and through.”

“W-What are you talking about?!”

“Since you’re such a helpless person, Senpai, I’ll be your guide to the true path. Because I’ve been with you for the longest time.” As if she could read my thoughts, Tsutsukakushi reacted with a pout. “It’s Senpai’s choice what you do with who and when. In the end, it’s the duty of myself, since I’ve been with you the longest, to properly trai—correct you. No one else can do it. That’s just how it is.”

“Um, I feel like training¹ and correcting have a bit too different of meanings?”

“How rude. I never said anything like ‘training.’ I have no interest in that sort of thing.”

“…Well, if you say so.” I shrugged.

Just dish it out, I guess. Training or correcting or whatever. If anything, I don’t really know why she keeps emphasizing the time we’ve known each other. Tatami mats and 2D waifus are better fresh. Isn’t that what they say online? Well, she looks really satisfied, so I’ll leave it at that. It’ll be even better if they grow as a result.

“Also, what’s this △ about? The one between the ◯ and X.”

“These are ones I spotted during my cleaning duties. They seemed to be your diary of sorts, but I didn’t look inside.”

So even when she collects and distributes my side-dishes for the night, she still respects my privacy, huh? How diligent.

“Wait, this is…”

In the middle of the mountain of books and workbooks, I spotted a peculiar piece. The title was written on the front in large letters: ‘A certain devil’s indictment.’ When I flipped it open to the first page, it read:

“—I want a girlfriend.”

The stained glass of the church gave off a holy shine.

And so on. Words that were overflowing with romanticism. I felt shivers running all over my body. A few moments after this was written, I had my pants down in front of a grade school girl. At the end of it all, I confessed to breaking into the church at night, which made me feel like I was on an adventure with Sindbad. Ohh! A dark past, I see! I made a bitter smile.

“Senpai, what happened?”

“W-Well… This is indeed a diary, yeah… But it seems to be from back during my middle-school days, so there’s a lot of this and that and well.”

“Okay?”

“There’s lots of baloney in there. I have no memory of any of it at all, so it’s probably complete hyperbole!”

“Can I take a look?”

“I don’t mind, but I don’t think you’ll enjoy it much.”

Since I had lost my shame, I don’t feel anything special when being reminded of my dark past. If there was someone interested in this notebook, I’d be happy to type it up into a book and ship it to all the bookstores in the entire country for their collection. Written in this notebook were stories about daily life with the twintails space monster. Although it’s jumbled up a bit because of recent events, I completely forgot the basic gist of it all, but it sounded like I had lots of fun. Then again, I don’t know how much of it is true and how much was just my imagination.

When I was in middle-school, I might have just had an overactive imagination, and our relationship might have been a bit more sordid than what I wrote. Just like how I don’t know how the voice actresses in some adult videos look, I also can’t check to see if what’s written in here is true. Basically, it’s a vague sort of source material that shouldn’t be cited in any academic works. Even though we’re talking about myself.

That being the case, I really don’t take all of what I wrote in here seriously. It’s just something written by a brat who wanted to sound cool, after all. That being said, Tsutsukakushi wasn’t even pretending to listen to what I was saying.

“‘I’m Emi. What’s your name?’……”

She tightly grasped the corners of the book, her arms shaking. Is there something there that she’s bothered by? Some depiction of a body she didn’t like? Oh no, I have to check it right away, copy-paste that portion, and show it to the tyrant Emi right away! The girl’s small back was shaking as she suddenly turned around.

“This… is about Emi-san, right? The girl from Italy?”

“Yup. We’re still friends, though we have quite a bit of an age gap. That reminds me, we’re going out next Sunday, so how about you join us—”

“So you’re out playing. With someone you’ve known longer than me.”

“Hm?”

“…No, it’s nothing. I’m going home. I’ll ask you for advice another time.” Her words were lacking any intonation, but it sounded like she was trying to contain something.

Though the hand she returned the notebook with wasn’t shaking anymore, she had her face downcast, and she didn’t look up at me at all. If anything, it looked to me like she had turned pale.

“T-Tsutsukakushi…? Are you okay?”

Without responding, Tsutsukakushi staggered outside the room. Without giving me any chance to say anything, Tsutsukakushi went home. After that, my mother complained that she had made dinner for the two of us.

*

What exactly did Tsutsukakushi want advice for? I found out later that night.

“…The heck is this?”

After dropping the X-marked box with my treasured goods at the garbage-collection place, I moved Barbara-san aside. She hadn’t been placed into either the ◯ or the X side. The insides of Barbara-san, which actually sounds kinda gross, had an envelope inside of them. I thought Tsutsukakushi might have left it there on purpose, but that didn’t seem to be the case. After all, the addressees were Tsutsukakushi Tsukushi and Tsutsukakushi Tsukiko. As for the sender—

“I can’t read it…”

It was written in some foreign language. The letters belonged to some kind of alphabet, but it wasn’t English. It must have come from overseas. The envelope had been opened. Indeed, before I could even check, a piece of paper and two longer papers fell out of it. Written on the piece of paper was Japanese, and although I wanted to avoid peeking, my speed-reading technique I had acquired from gal games caused me to see the very last sentence.

‘Why don’t you forget about your duty to your mother? Come home. We’ll welcome you.’

The long papers were plane tickets. The departure location was Narita, and the final destination was Rome. The names on the tickets were the names of the Tsutsukakushi sisters. The date for the flight was one week from today. They were one-way tickets, meaning that they would be going over there and staying over there, which basically meant that Tsukiko-chan would be vanishing from Japan.

“…Huh?”

The impact hit my head like I had been slapped across the face.

---

1 Training here in the sense of training animals