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The Church’s Sindbad
1
“—I want a girlfriend.” I muttered as I gazed out of the window.
The stained glass of the church gave off a holy shine. If there were a god in this world, then a church must be the closest place to such an entity, which is why I prayed as much as I could. So please, let me be lovey-dovey with a cute girl.
Ten minutes later, I stood in front of a grade school student and had my underwear stripped off of me.
…Okay hold on, don’t rush things. Let me explain. I know you want to bring divine punishment down on this low-hitter even God would fear, but don’t call the police just yet. At least read this until the very end. Those notes you are reading right now aren’t meant as a confession of sins from a middle school student or anything. I kept it at the church’s post box on purpose so someone could read it and deem me innocent.
I’m really bad at writing literature like this, so things might sound a bit roundabout, but I’ll try my best. I do like reading books, after all. Literature is great. Like ‘Snow Country’. The one that starts with ‘The train came out of the long tunnel into the snow country’. That sounds so cool. The only person who is allowed to write ‘My index finger remembers your body hehehe’ is Kawabata Yasunari-sensei!
…Somehow we got away from the main topic. I’m glad I wasn’t writing this with an actual pen. Well, anyway, I’m honest and righteous, and I love literature. I am going to leave these notes behind in case there happens to be a chance meeting with a police officer in the future. Why am I choosing such a roundabout method? Because this is the only method I have left.
After all, in my current situation, I’ve been caught up in incomprehensible trouble.
2
I want a girlfriend. And then I want to take off my underwear in front of my new girlfriend. I can understand having such broad thoughts all the time. However, for your average, healthy third-year middle school student like me, this is but a natural phenomenon. The moment we wake up, we imagine our meeting with our future girlfriend, and at the end of the day we loathe the fact that it didn’t happen. In our dreams, we then take off our clothes.
In case the person reading this is in fact an innocent girl, and you can’t find yourself believing this, then proceed with a real-time event including the Onii-san next-doors, or your classmate in the seat next to yours. Call them to your house, and give them an upwards glance as you unhook your skirt and say the words…
“Papa and Mama aren’t coming home today, you know…”
You’ll be able to witness the moment when any cultured and favorable young man turns into a wild beast… Well, if anything, this is how I want to experience my first time. Of course, for this to happen, I would have to first be on considerably close terms with a girl. As of late, though, I’m busy playing Alice.
Playing Alice in Wonderland—basically, searching for a rabbit. You see, I have a childhood friend called Ponchi who always thinks in the most perverted way possible. In recent days, that nickname has slowly started to oscillate between Ponta and Ponkai, but I really doubt either of those will stick. Either way, he has a pet rabbit. Although it’s a female, he calls her Yaji-san. He seems to think this is some name originating from an Edo1 period’s literary work2, and it probably also has to do with him being interested in the second coming of Ajita3. For someone who’s always thinking about perverted things, I sure couldn’t keep up with that line of thought.
And this Yaji-san has turned out to be quite the adventurer. She runs away at almost every chance. Every time this happens, Ponchi comes and asks for my aid, and we embark on a search for this rabbit. The trigger for this entire situation, the fact that I even set foot on church grounds, was all because of that rabbit.
I rarely find the need to use the words ‘cool light breeze in early summer’.
This happened on the first Sunday of May. Sidled up against the children’s park was a church. From the stone pathway, you could almost physically feel the time it had spent standing there. It seemed like the time for the mass had arrived, and people had started to slowly filter into the chapel.
“Yaji-san! Come out!”
Crawling through the pews in the back with bloodshot eyes was Ponchi. He really loved that rabbit. As expected, my childhood friend is a good guy.
“Yaji-san isn’t here. Maybe someone picked her up?”
“Knowing how much of a spiteful bitch she is, she’s probably getting fed by someone… It’d be great if she didn’t ruin her new dress though.”
“Huh? A dress?”
“A wedding dress. A puppet’s dress unexpectedly fits a rabbit pretty well.”
“No, seriously, what are you on about…?”
“Ain’t it good manners for a boy to have a girl dress up as one?”
“Ehhh…”
Why are you making a rabbit wear a wedding dress? Correction: My childhood friend is not a good guy. He’s a lost cause. The adults around us gave us suspicious gazes, so I looked up at the window to my side and started pretending like I was praying. Please let me get on close terms with a cute girl. At least before I end up like Ponchi, who feels satisfaction from putting a dress on a female rabbit.
“Miss Emanuella! Why are you always like this!” A voice of rage filled the small chapel.
Up near the front of the church, the right side of the altar had a pipe organ, and younger boys and girls from the choir were standing next to it. All of them were wearing white hats and gowns, symbolizing purity or something. However, facing them stood an enraged nun. Cosplaying as a nun is actually the best thing ever, but I wished she was like twenty years younger. Anyway, standing between the two factions was a feral child.
…If I were to write that, people would start to get the wrong idea, I know, but that’s just what she looked like. Her hair was ruffled and filled with dirt. Small wounds and scratches decorated her arms and legs, something you’d rarely see in a city like this. From head to toe, she looked like she had been part of a late-night wrestling TV show.
“I warned you last week already, Miss Emanuella. I said that I would not tolerate you getting here late again.”
“………”
Even the tip of her nose was covered in dirt, and she averted her gaze from the nun. Weeds and grass were caught in her clothes, coloring it brown and green, even though it should have probably been a snow white color like the other children’s.
“And if that weren’t enough, you show up with such stained clothes! What kind of disrespect do you think you’re paying to our holy mass?!”
“………”
The nun continued with a barrage of scolding. However, the girl—or presumably a girl judging from the ‘Miss’ the nun was using, though I couldn’t tell for certain for the longest time—just maintained her right to remain silent, which only led the nun’s flaming rage burning even stronger.
“I keep saying this for your own sake, Ms. Emanuella! Why won’t you even try to understand how I feel?!”
“………”
“Don’t just keep quiet! Say something! Do you not feel sorry towards your father who has allowed you to enter the choir?!”
“—up.”
A faint whisper ran through the tense air. The first words I heard from the girl were paired with a click of her tongue.
“…Miss Emanuella. What did you just say?”
“I’m telling you to shut up, you bell pepper hag!”
“Wha…?”
“This has nothing to do with my Papa! Shut up, shut up, wash up, you rabbit feces of a bell pepper idiot! Shut up! Bang bang! Pop-pop! A useless bell paper like you can just stay unmarried forever! You belong in the trash bin next to the sink!”
That’s about it if you wanted to sum it up. The dirty girl seemed to have an ironically dirty personality to match. She fired off words of insult and verbal abuse like shots from a machine gun, completely ignoring any sort of lecture she had just received. Seeing that the nun didn’t have any words to retaliate with, the girl just spun on her heel, dashing towards the door of the chapel like a Siberian express—
“Woah!”
“Kyanya!”
—Only for her to suddenly try and fail to stop. I was standing in her path, and she blasted head-first right into me, letting out a sound like a frog being squashed beneath a tire.
“Ouch! …Sorry, are you okay?”
When we collided, I realized just how small and tender the girl was. Her tiny head fit right into the area around my stomach. Oh my, I’m starting to feel a bit weird. If I lost my head for just a moment right there, I might have ended up in one-night custody with heavy questioning to go with it.
“—Tch! You’re in the way!”
The girl pushed me with her small hands, stepping on my lungs to get past me. Without even looking back, she just disappeared outside. An awkward silence inside the chapel followed.
“For crying out loud, Miss Emanuella is always like this. When will she ever understand?”
The nun sighed, and that was the catalyst for several voices to speak at once.
“…Her temper really is problematic, indeed…”
“…She is at a difficult age. We should be open-minded about this…”
“…With time she’ll eventually grow up…”
“Yaji-saaaaan! My wife, where are youuu!”
The atmosphere relaxed a bit, and faint murmurs came from various corners of the chapel. The nuns standing around voiced their opinions on this matter, commenting on the girl’s immature actions. They felt like considerate people who were trying to allow the girl to truly flourish. Well, all the voices except that stupid childhood friend of mine.
“…Well, well.”
I felt an almost itchy feeling, and I returned to the pathway outside. I really don’t fit into an atmosphere like this. If anything, I prefer a similar church, in the sense of ‘The fallen Saint and the drenched cross.zip’ file that Ponchi had sent me a while back. But when I unzipped said file, my desktop screen was buried with stimulating pictures of girls. How should I keep this a secret from my parents?
…I mean, it’s not like that matters at all. I just couldn’t be bothered about the atmosphere in this church. Anyway, I had a reason to actually chase after this girl. I figure nobody but me, who she bumped into, even realized it. The dirty girl was biting her lip, and tears were building in the corners of her eyes.
3
When I walked around the outside of the chapel, I found a small garden. A cobblestone path perfectly cut between a flower bed and moss animals. The lawn was trimmed to a perfect height, and there were no weeds inside. The scent of lilacs drifted through the air, and I saw someone crouching down in the corner of this scene.
“Ugh…!” Sniff!
Just as I expected. Like the dam inside her had broken, the girl was trying her heart out. She had probably been holding back her tears until nobody could see her cry because of her pride. However, now that she was alone, she was too busy bawling her eyes out to notice me.
“Um… are you okay?”
“Shut up! Shut up! Leave me alone!” She pushed away my hand when I reached out to her. “Everyone scolds me without thinking! They never try to understand me!”
Her hair was colored like sea and sunlight mixed together, which made it clear that she wasn’t born in this country. Her weeping body was small, so small that it seemed like she might be blown away by a gentle breeze. I thought she was just a girl who was dealing with the feeling of being alienated, but…
“That shitty bell pepper hag can just eat a bell pepper century egg and then fall down to bell pepper hell for all I care! Bell pepper bell pepper!”
“…Huh, you seem pretty energetic.”
She continued to curse the nun while bawling, and at first I thought it might have been a problem with her personality. However… Whatever the reason may be, I can’t let a girl cry in my presence. Giving up here and going home would be an insult to everything I stand for. I cleared my throat.
“Please stop crying, my princess.”
“Again, just shut.. up?” The girl raised her head in confusion. “My princess? Huh? What?”
“My princess, refrain from letting this bitterness rain down, and share half of that sadness with me. You can’t monopolize the cold tears of darjeeling tea.”
“……”
“Indeed! Your smiling face radiates like a tropical mango. It resembles the endless sky shining in the southern country.” I flashed my white teeth and put on a brilliant smile.
“………Um, how do I put it…”
“Hahaha, what is it?”
“That’s a bit disgusting.”
The girl clearly didn’t appreciate my effort. Indeed, her gaze was basically saying ‘What is this moron talking about?’ and it kind of hurt. Well… it’s not like I can blame her. I kinda went overboard there. I wanted to act like the hero who rebels against the evil church that made the girl cry, like Don Quixote or Sindbad.
Although I was a big fan of normal literature, around that time I had made the mistake of putting my hands on a light novel aimed at boys. I was entranced by the protagonist. It was the story of a butler, a jack of all trades, and a chicken boy with glasses who ends up becoming popular with the cute mistress4. In other words, a loner middle school boy who wanted to become a hero.
“There’s no need to hold back! I am the person who guards every smiling girl. If you feel tired from all the crying, feel free to borrow my shoulder. I can be your knight in shining armor.”
“…Why does Japanese law allow such a pervert to roam free?”
The girl turned towards me with a face that looked like she was about to run away. Her face was frozen stiff, and there was no trace of a smile. That being said, she wasn’t crying anymore, either. So no matter how kind I am, if the girl doesn’t stop crying, I have to act like a pervert. Is this where her natural defence mechanism is kicking in? I’ll have to remember this in the future and use it for whenever I see a girl crying.
“…Hm? What is that you’re carrying?” I returned to my senses.
The girl turned towards me, and I could make out exactly what she was holding. A small animal was in her arms, just as dirty as she was. It had long ears and whiskers, a round tail, and an oddly frilly dress…
“Yaji-san! So this is where you were hiding?!”
“…Eh, this is your rabbit?”
“Well, it belongs to a friend of mine. We’ve been looking for her this whole time!”
“That explains… I was wondering what kind of sick owner would force a rabbit to wear a dress like that. It feels oddly convincing knowing that it was you.”
“You have a big misunderstanding there! The owner is a friend of mine. He has awfully bad taste.”
“…So fish of the same scales swim together?”
The girl nodded to herself in satisfaction. I don’t really get it, bu maybe she’s inviting me out on a fishing date5? Either way, Yaji-san was calmly sitting inside the girl’s arms, her dirty nose twitching. It almost looked like a mother rabbit and child rabbit.
“…Correct me if I’m wrong, but…”
“What is it?”
“The reason you’re this dirty is because of Yaji-san?”
“Not really.” The girl let out a snort and rubbed the dirt off the rabbit’s nose. “This weird-looking rabbit was sitting on top of that brick wall without moving, so I felt like bullying it a bit. When it ran away, it didn’t let me catch it, so that’s why I’m this dirty. You’d better lock it up properly next time.”
“So basically you helped Yaji-san?”
“I didn’t! Listen to me!”
It sounded like she was using her ill-natured tongue to cover her embarrassment to me. After all, if what she said was true, then Yaji-san wouldn’t be calmly sitting in her arms.
“What? What is it? Why are you grinning like that?”
“Thanks.”
“H-Huh?! Don’t thank me, you idiot!” She stomped on the ground, still tightly holding the rabbit. Her arms and legs, covered in scratches and grazes, were awfully slender, and she was even having trouble holding onto the rabbit.
…Well isn’t she a good girl? Who called her a troublemaker? That guy has no eyes for girls. Oh right, it was me. That being said, now that I’ve caught onto it, her apathetic eyes suddenly looked like they had a kind radiance to them. I’m not a lolicon by any means, but the slender yet soft-looking line of her cheek, and her big and round forehead, even the beautiful color of her hair—by the way I’m really not a lolicon—all of these made me just feel worried that someone dangerous could be targeting her. However, I’m not one of those people, of course.
“What are you grinning for now?”
“I was just imagining the sight of you in about ten years or so. There, there, good girl.”
“Disgusting.”
When I reached my hand out for her head, it was slapped away without hesitation. How boring. That being said, once she makes it past his period, she’ll definitely be a top tier waifu.
“Again, stop that. It’s disgusting.”
“I didn’t do anything yet!”
“How annoying. I’ll get infected.”
“With what? Kindness? Love?”
“The desire to murder you right here! Stop trying to touch me! Shtop!”
“Ah, you but your tongue. So cute~”
“Shut up already!”
The two of us fought for a while.
“…Hm?”
I heard a faint hymn coming from the chapel. A transparent soprano of boys and girls. The mass had started.
4
The voices of the choir singing sounded angelic even from outside of the building. They had perfect harmony. As if nothing—No, nobody—were missing.
“Um…”
I couldn’t find anything that would be okay to say in this situation. The girl with the dirty gown bit her lip and looked away from the chapel. She stared at the thicket nearby like it was the greatest scientific discovery of the decade.
“…Should I tell them?”
“About what?”
“That you were late because you helped Yaji-san. If you have an actual reason, then there was no need to get yelled at because of it, right?”
“……”
The girl who was left out of the choir didn’t answer. She wiped her eyes, even though there was no dirt left in them. Only the traces of her tears were still visible.
“Let’s go together.” I tried to urge her.
“It’s fine.” She shook her head.
“Why? Weren’t you crying because she got angry at you?”
“I wasn’t.”
“No, you definitely were.”
“I wasn’t crying.”
“No no, you definitely were.”
“I’ve never cried in my entire life.”
“Even though you were crying like a baby with snot coming out of your nose? Oh, are you blushing now? No need to be embarr—Guho!”
“What a disgusting choice of words.”
“Yes…”
To my surprise, the girl packed quite the impressive punch. What kind of ring did she learn it in? Her golden right hand6 shook with venom, but her gaze was still obstinate.
“…I would never cry. I never wanted to participate in the choir practice anyway. And even if you try convincing that bell-pepper hag, she won’t listen, and the guys from the church are like strangers to me. I don’t have any allies. If anything, I don’t need any.” She said all this bluntly as she stared into nothingness.
Most likely, this is just an excuse for herself. She’s surrounded by invisible enemies, so she decided to give up. Even though she’s just a brat.
“That’s not true.”
“What do you know about me, huh?”
“I know enough!” I shook her shoulders.
“—Rea…lly?” Her gaze slowly moved up towards me.
“Really. Don’t say that you don’t have any allies. How about you shake hands in trust with the gentleman in front of you. Let’s live together in this dirty world. And then we’ll make it princess time!”
“Seriously, you’re so disgusting…”
For a second, she gave me a death glare. But I still want to become a hero, you know? The influence of light novels is really scary. Please read them in moderation. However, this Sindbad feeling assaulting me turned out to be my demise.
“…Do you always talk like this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Blurting out whatever nonsense comes to mind. It just sounds like empty talk.”
“Uh…”
She glared at me like she was completely and utterly disgusted. This girl who’s definitely younger than me is definitely more clever than me.
“You don’t even have the determination to become my ally, do you? You just act cool, but as soon as tomorrow comes you’ll forget about it.”
“I-I would never do that.” My voice betrayed my true feelings.
She had hit the bulls-eye. I’m just getting drunk off the idea of helping a girl. I’m a person who can only use borrowed words. It’s always been like this. I could never speak my honest feelings.
“…Hmm, is that so?” The girl shrugged in an oddly grown-up way.
Apparently, she wasn’t going to press any further. When I realized this, I sighed in relief. If anything, the corners of her mouth slightly went up as she made an offputting smile.
“Do you believe me now?”
“Before that, hold this for a second.” She handed Yaji-san to me.
This rabbit was filled with Ponchi’s love, and was incredibly heavy.
“Close your eyes.”
“Why?”
“…Don’t make me say it out loud,” She said with an insecure-sounding voice.
Immediately, an electrical current ran through my body. Ohhh! Is this what I think it is?! I’ve read about this! A kiss of gratitude from a young girl! I’m glad I acted like a hero! But seriously, who could blame a young man for closing his eyes in a situation like this? I felt the girl slowly approach me, her warmth getting closer. I heard the sound of a belt being opened. Clank. Phew, girls today are really aggressive.
“Lower your waist.”
“Okay.”
Stick out your tongue.”
“Okay?”
“Jump.”
“Jump?”
I did as she said, jumping slightly into the air. I suddenly felt a cold breeze blowing past my lower half. Like the feeling of freedom right before you get into the bath. With an awful premonition running up my spine, I slowly opened my eyes, and I spotted the girl’s small hands pulling down my jeans and underwear.
“Oh…?”
“Here, say cheese.”
After that was the clicking sound of a picture being taken. She was taking a photo of me with her phone. I was crouched over with my tongue sticking out… and I’m completely naked from the belly button down. Welcome to the Savannah. Here you can see my African elephant—
“Gyaaaaaa?! What?! What are you doing?! S-Stooooop?!”
I was met with utter shock, and my legs gave in. I fell to the ground. My hands were occupied trying to protect Yaji-san, so I couldn’t pull up my pants. My sleeping elephant was tickled by the grass.
“Hehehe, moroooon!”
The girl in front of me had turned into a professional photographer, and she was grinning from ear to ear. She raced around my body, taking pictures from every direction imaginable.
Oh dear God. There was actually a devil staying in the place we worship you.
5
Sunday mass had apparently ended. I heard the sound of footsteps crossing the pavement. After that came the sound of the hinges of the door groaning, and the sound of the benevolent people returning to their everyday lives. The world was turning without me.
At what seemed like the complete opposite end of this world, a middle school student lay in the grass in shame, having had his dignity stolen. All light had vanished from my eyes, and the despair chewed away at me. I think. Probably. It’s hyperbole. Next to me sat the girl, cross-legged, as she checked through her picture collection like a paparazzi.
“So this is a boy’s… Huh. Ain’t this a cute one.”
“I can’t become a bride anymore…” I hid my face behind my hands and sobbed.
It felt like something that would happen after the fact. And for those of you who don’t understand the nuance of the phrase ‘after the fact’, please go ask your Mom or Dad. I am very certain they will know what this means.
“What, you actually are able to feel shame?”
“Of course! Who do you think I am?!”
If there was any guy out there who would stay calm with his pants down, then he’d be a total pervert. It felt like I had lost something precious to me as a human being. I don’t want to get accustomed to feeling apathy in the face of something like this!
“Why would you do something like this? What did I ever do to you?”
“You said you’d become my ally, right?”
The girl put away her phone and faced me.
“You were probably just making up whatever you wanted to fit the situation, and you’d probably act like none of this happened once tomorrow came, so I decided to make you fully commit.”
“So, basically…”
“If you betray me, I’ll upload this stuff online. You’re a middle school student, right? I wonder how many classmates of yours have PCs and phones.”
“Gyaaaa!”
What a horrible person and awful character! Naturally, I was talking about myself. If not for that, I wouldn’t have tried to act cool with no intent of holding dear to those words. I wonder if there ever will come a day when I can stop blabbering nonsense in the heat of the moment. Even now I’m having trouble answering that.
“I’m Emi. What’s your name?”
“…Yokodera. Yokodera Youto.”
“Youto, yeah. If you don’t want to be the laughingstock of your class, you’d best come here next weekend. Alright?”
“………”
I really think that straight-up blackmailing me was taking things too far. Giving in to terrorism here would be bad for this girl’s education. Starting next year, I’ll be a high school student, so as an adult man, I can’t cave to such blackmailing. Instead, I had to voice my opinion.
“What’s your response, Youto?”
“………” I exercised my right to remain silent.
That is my determination of resolute resistance. I’m a true hero. Sindbad reincarnated. Also, aren’t those pictures not that big of a deal, anyway? I just have to put up with it. A hero has to take a beating at times. Because I am Sindbad.
“Ah, I see. So that’s the game we’re playing.” Emi flashed a confident grin.
She took off her gown. Beneath that was only a white blouse, and she opened a few of the buttons on this blouse, revealing her shoulders.
“Wha… what are you doing?”
“Kyaa, nooo, someone, help meee~”
“Whaaaaa?!”
“There’s a pervert assaulting a young girl over here! I even have pictures to prove it~”
“Gyaaaa! I get it! I’ll do whatever you want! So don’t call anybody here! Please put on some clothes!” said the crying middle school student as he prostrated himself in front of the half-naked young girl.
Sindbad? That’s just fiction. Heroes only suffer in reality.
“Then, Youto! What will you be doing Saturday next week?”
“I will rush here as if my life depends on it!”
“Hehehe. Good, good.” Emi let out an awfully pleasant laugh.
As it turns out, the girl I lent a helping hand to wasn’t a weak rabbit or anything. In reality, she was raised by a pro wrestler, and she had the horrible personality of a killer rabbit.
6
…That’s all. Although I dramatized a few things here and there, most of this story is true. These were the details of everything that brought this trouble upon me. A tragedy that has shaken the otherwise ordinary life of this middle school student. Whether I talk, write, or listen, only tears come out. Ever since that day, I made it my routine to visit the church. It’s actually been three months since May. In other words, during the past 90 days, I was forced to come to the church on every single school-free day. Entrance exams, club practice, playing, love, gal games, gal videos, child watching, all of these things had been taken away from this perfectly healthy third-year middle school student, and I am forced to offer all of my time to a young girl.
I wonder if you can truly fathom the depths of this hardship that has been plaguing me. My schedule until I go see her is set in stone as well. The choir has practice all day on Saturdays, and mass on Sundays. Three out of four times, Emi would start a fight and run off to the backyard with the lilac garden. In the advent that this didn’t happen, she would walk around the lilac garden with a sour expression after the actual choir practice, so I’d go meet her there. And then I was forced to play along with that little devil’s desires. For example, I was forced to write a letter.
“Do you not have any special skills or talents or anything like that?”
While I was massaging Emi’s small shoulders like always, she brought up a random topic.
“Special skills? Well, if I had to say, I’m pretty good at making girls smile—”
“Please stop with that disgusting crap.”
“Take your finger off the ‘Send’ button, okay?! I don’t have anything like that! I’m someone who couldn’t become a hero! I’m a mere commoner!”
“I know that already. Nobody asked you to be a hero. What about hobbies?”
“Hm… I read books, I guess. Literature. Stuff like that.”
“Literature? What a weirdo. Are you good at writing and that sort of thing?”
“No, writing and reading are two entirely different things.”
“I see. So then, write a letter. Addressed to me.”
“Were you listening to me?! And what kind of letter do you even want?!”
“Stop nitpicking! A letter is a letter! Ask how I’m doing, what I’m doing right now, anything like that.”
“Wouldn’t an email be fine instead?”
“No! Write a letter! I want one to hold!”
“…Huh.”
Whenever Emi made ridiculous requests like this, it was always because she was in a bad mood after choir practice. This time around, she must have seen girls exchanging letters and been annoyed by it. After all, if she runs away during choir practice, then nobody will come look for her at the end of it to play with her. For a young girl like her, that must be tough.
“Can I bring one tomorrow? I’ll need a bit of time to think about what to write.”
“…Yup! If you write a good one, I’ll even give you a reward!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
I guess her attitude is just a childish way of coping with stress. Emi gave a satisfied nod as I massaged her shoulders, so as a hero—No, just as someone older than her—I felt like I needed to tag along with this girl no matter what.
The following day.
‘From Youto
Dear Emi. Are you remembering to brush your teeth? Do you keep yourself warm at night? Onii-chan is really worried. Since you’re still small, in the event that you can’t go to the toilet anymore, just call for your Onii-chan—’
Midway through reading it, Emi crunched the letter inside her hands, wadding it up into a ball.
“…Hey.”
“Yes?”
“When in the world did I become your little sister?! And how young do you think I look?! Are you picking a fight with me?!”
“Well, even I thought that this wasn’t any good…”
“Then why did you write it in the first place?! You just wanted to, right?! You’re disgusting!”
“Or so you say.”
“Or so I say?”
“But once you calmly think about it, doesn’t your heart skip a beat by any chance…?”
“There’s no way it would! Die! Don’t go off on some kind of disgusting tangent! I’m perfectly calm and I don’t feel that way at all!” With no remorse whatsoever, she threw the wadded-up postcard right into the thicket.
After that, I was continuously scolded and verbally abused. If I had five cents for every time she called me disgusting, I’d be rich! Heh, I’ve always wanted to say a manga-esque line like that. Anyway, then I’d use that money to have an older, well-equipped Onee-san serve me. This kind of fantasy really heals my broken heart. I really hope some kind Onee-san will see how devoted I can be and let me raise a flag with her…
Later that day I decided that littering was bad, and I searched for the postcard in the thicket, but I was unable to find it. Why? Did it grow legs and ran away? If something embarrassing like this were revealed to the world, I wouldn’t be able to go to school anymore. When I told Emi about this, she seemed indifferent.
“………Maybe it was blown away by the wind, or it returned to the earth. Since you’re so disgusting, who would even want to take it home with them?”
“I mean, maybe some random girl put it in her treasure box like it was something really important to her or something like that.”
“H-How did you come up with such a disgusting idea?! Go see a doctor!”
“You don’t have to be so harsh…”
“Shut up shut up shut up! You bell pepper idiot! Moron moron moron!” Yet again she immediately scolded me harshly.
You certainly aren’t wrong for calling me a moron, but one time is enough. Even I can feel pain, you know. Don’t you feel sorry for me?
7
Every once in a while, Emi could be in a very good mood. During such times, she would use me as a training partner for her wrestling moves. A diving body press, a rolling sobat… All of her moves were dramatic and I’d never seen them before. The tiny monster would come flying at me, pinning my arms and legs. Oddly enough, all of this seemed to bring the girl immense joy, but the same couldn’t be said about this healthy middle school student.
“Ouch… Hey, why don’t we play something else other than wrestling?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“The most popular activity kids do these days is playing do—”
“If you say something disgusting like ‘playing doctor,’ I’ll send your elephant into the next world with chain mail!”
“—Docile! You’re such a docile girl! I’m praising you!”
“Stop patting me on the head, you disgusting freak!”
“Ouch ouch ouch?! You’ll pull off my arm!”
This yankee lad—Or rather, yankee girl—has some kind of insane body strength. It’s genuinely terrifying.
Obeying the ridiculously impossible requests she makes and suffering through the ridiculous techniques she possesses reminds me a bit of ‘Arabian Nights’, where Sindbad is from. The fate of the princess is that she’s killed if she doesn’t entertain the king enough. It had me on my toes when I read it as a child. This very idea, this very principle, is happening with me right now. If this girl gets annoyed with me, she’ll give the picture of my African elephant to the nearest police officer! I was lost as to what I should do in this situation, so I consulted my trusted friend. However, Ero Ponchi’s answer was not exactly ground-breaking.
“You don’t like having a cute and adorable lolita giving you orders? Phew, what a luxurious opinion to have. I’d happily pay money to end up in that situation.”
“I’m pretty sure you’d get a nice luxurious ride in the back of a car and forever be isolated as a misfit of society.”
“Heh, heh, heh. You were never a fan of that shore, were you? Don’t worry, once you encounter the spirit of Ajita, you’ll awaken to that taste eventually.”
Or in other words, he’s got no plans to ever change his opinion. My childhood friend is as useless as ever. Maybe he should divert his focus to bringing world peace or helping suffering children instead.
“For crying out loud…”
I feel like, as of late, there’s been a lot of times when I’ve just sighed in acceptance.
8
But the limit would be reached eventually.
“Are you free tonight?”
“Of course. I’ll always stay with you, my princess. Even in your dreams.”
“Disgusting. Annoying. That’s not what I meant. I want you to come here tonight.”
It wasn’t my limit, either. It was Emi’s.
“We’ll lurk around here for a bit. Once the nuns go to their dorm, we’ll sneak inside.”
“…And what are we going to do then?”
“I don’t know, put graffiti on the statue of Maria? Overturn the chairs… as long as it’s interesting, anything is fine! Don’t be so nitpicky!”
Today, Emi was being even more rambunctious than usual. When I prodded her for the reason, she didn’t give in at all, so I figured that either the nuns scolded her again or she had a fight with someone from the choir. Sadly, I had to assume that all the children from the choir had such a relationship with her. She was totally outnumbered. That’s probably a good way of putting it.
“But taking revenge just because they made you cry is taking things a bit too far, don’t you think?”
“H-Huh?! W-Who said I was crying?! This isn’t payback for anything! I just felt like doing it!”
“You can just ignore them…”
Apparently, playing together with me—Or just toying with me?—Wasn’t enough to fully let out all the stress built up inside of her. She had probably just crossed a line that should have never become visible.
“…Emi. Writing you a letter, giving you self-made CDs, writing song lyrics, creating albums, or even testing wrestling techniques… I don’t mind going along with all of that, but…”
“But what?”
“Even a moron like me can distinguish between things you should do and things you shouldn’t.”
“……” Emi bit her lip and looked up at me.
The mid-afternoon summer sun shone down on the courtyard. It beat down on my body and cast a curtain-like shadow on Emi’s face. She looked like she had lost her favorite toy. Her eyes looked heavy like a wounded rabbit’s.
“…You said you were my ally.”
“I-I did say that, so let’s just do something else…”
“I thought you were my one and only ally. I see. It figures. You really were just running your mouth this entire time.”
“Ugh…”
“Well, it’s whatever.” She lowered her gaze to hide her face. “I forgot my phone inside the church. I set it up so that it would ring loudly at midnight.”
“…Hmm? What do you mean?”
“I’m saying that if you don’t come with me and pick it up, the bell peppers of the church will find it. The background image is of you, by the way.”
“…Um, so what you’re saying is…”
“Naked.”
“I knew it!”
How horrible! I never had any chance to begin with! After I agreed, the girl finally smiled again.
Thus, in order to get back the trojan virus, tonight’s plans were decided. Now that we’ve come this far, it’s not time to feel embarrassed anymore. I promised to return once night came, so I quickly went home to prepare myself. And, right now, I’m focusing on writing these notes. It is currently 4pm, and I still have time. The moment I finish this, I’ll evade Emi’s eyes and publish this epistle, which will shake the world to its roots. As for the title, I already have something in mind. ‘A certain devil’s indictment’7. How do you like that? It sounds like a good light novel title, right?
Now do you understand why I mailed these letters to the church’s post box? To you, who is reading this, the situation is dire. Please, take countermeasures immediately. And if you have the time, please save me. Before that devil destroys the church.
9
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
10
Hey, I’m back. I’ll continue things for a bit longer. Also, those pages just now? Feel free to ignore them.
To get the conclusion out of the way first, the plan to destroy the church like a trojan ended up in failure. That night, while I prayed that someone appropriate would find my notes and use them appropriately, Emi and I snuck into the chapel. Although the candles in the candle stands were burning faintly, darkness was the majority of what filled the inside. Of course, at this time of day, the aisle down the middle, the pews to the sides, and the altar were all devoid of people. Only the sound of our footsteps could be heard in this atmosphere.
“Now I’m getting nervous…”
The inside of my mouth was dry, and my heart was beating like crazy. It really feels like we’re doing something bad. Well, I guess we kind of are. I could almost feel the statue of Maria judging us kindly, but strictly.
“Now, where should we start… The heck is this?”
Emi took the lead, and she raised a confused voice when she got to the altar. When I approached her, Emi pointed at something. Barely illuminated by the light of the candles was a square object. On top of it was a small note, written in pencil. The two of us exchanged glances and read through it.
“‘Lost and found. Give it to the nun who can deal with this’, is what it says.”
“There’s even a title on it. ‘A certain devil’s indictment’. Weird.”
“H-H-Huuuuh?!”
—Gyaaaaa?!
A voice reverberated in the back of my throat, and I barely managed to contain it. The notes I wrote ended up somewhere that stood out the most. I’m sure a good-willed nun delivered this here without checking inside. Sometimes being too diligent is a bad thing, you know. While I was still unable to do anything, the one person who I didn’t want to see this by any means nonchalantly flipped through the pages.
“Huh… Huh? …Hmmm, now this seems interesting.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. But let’s forget about that and think of what we should do now!”
“‘I’m Emi. What’s your name?’ ‘Yokodera. Yokodera Youto’. These names sound oddly familiar. Don’t they, Youto?”
“I-I wonder? It might be an optical illusion… Like an irregularity with the sunspot cycle… Haha, I don’t really get it myself…”
“So you’re treating me like an evil witch or a devil, huh? I also can tell that you’re pretty good at writing after all.”
“…It’s someone else. Japanese people don’t tell lies…”
“You sure like exaggerating a lot, huh? When exactly was I crying?”
“All the time!”
“Huh?” The girl twitched, and I could have sworn I heard a vein popping in her head.
“…Hey, Youto. ‘The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel’.”
“Huh?”
“Write that, 100 times. Right now.”
“W-Why?!”
“If you don’t, I’ll leave your photos in front of the police box next time.”
“The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel!”
I wrote those lines myself as fast as I could. The angel Emi is even more invincible than an angel.
11
The time of night was slowly advancing.
“………”
While I was busy sitting on my knees, focusing on my job of praising the angel Emi, the angel Emi, who was more invincible than an angel, sat on the pipe organ, kicking her legs up and down. I thought she was going to work on her plan to deface the church, but she didn’t move. Apparently she had only thought as far as sneaking inside the church, but had no clue what to do after that.
Her gaze wandered off here and there, only to eventually return to the same point. A certain staircase was there specifically for the choir, right next to the altar. She observed it with an indifferent gaze, but looked away the moment she realized I was staring at her. If only she was more honest. Watching her made my chest hurt.
“…Let’s go home, Emi.”
“We won’t be going home until your right arm rots off!”
“How grotesque! I don’t think my body would end up like that even after doing it for years!”
“So do you want me to tear it off directly?”
“I never said anything like that! Don’t crack your knuckles with a beautiful smile like that! Gyaaaaaa!”
Now not only my chest hurt, but my entire body. I was forced to begin my performance anew as the wrestling training dummy, and I felt the joints of my right arm popping out of the position they were supposed to be in.
“Tch, you’re as useless as ever.” Emi clicked her tongue, voicing her displeasure.
That is some wonderful personality she has there. I’d be the happiest person if I could get excited by some young girl stepping on me. However, in times like these, I just have to try and talk my way out of it.
“…I get it already, so let’s go home, Emi.” I scratched my cheek.
I understand what I need to do. From here on out, it’s my one-man stage!
“You’re still talking? Wasn’t that enough just now?”
“That’s not what I meant… What do you want to do here? Just honestly say why you wanted to come in here.”
“H-Huh? Again, I wanted to make trouble for the church, so—”
“You wanted them to notice you, right?”
“Wha…”
“Even if you do this, the people from the choir won’t pay attention to you. You should know that, right?”
“………”
Emi stood frozen like she was a tree with roots deep in the ground. After all is said and done, it’s all the opposite with her—Her personality, that is. She’s made the children in the choir and the nuns her enemies, but she didn’t really want to fight them. ‘She was totally outnumbered’ is the wrong thing to say here. Emi was only wrestling with herself. She probably wanted to play with everyone like she did with me, but her personality got in her way, not allowing her to be honest with herself.
Every time this happened, she grew frustrated with herself and dashed out of the church. The only reason we snuck into the church at night was so that she could gaze at where the choir would be with nobody to get in her way. She almost resembled someone from Aesop’s Fables. Even though she knows it’s out of her reach, she can’t help but look at the grape. If she were a sly fox, she might have been able to deceive herself, but was only a rabbit, struggling in vain.
“W-What do you know about me?!” The wounded Emi spoke with a strained voice.
“…Enough.”
“Huh?! What kind of hero are you imitating now?”
“Nobody. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, and that’s my own conclusion.”
After visiting this church for the past three months, I could tell.
“About the reason why you had me come here all this time…”
Week after week, Emi always participated in the choir activities. Even if she was shunned, no matter how many times she left halfway through, she would always come back the next time. There could only be one reason for that.
“You want to get along with the people from the choir, and that’s why you can’t stop, right?”
“No! I’m still part of the choir because Papa forced me to join! It’s all Papa’s fault!”
“Are we still doing this?”
“Because Papa is busy with work, he’s away even on Saturdays, so I thought that I would make some friends, but that didn’t work at all, and Papa doesn’t give me any attention, either!”
“…Emi?”
Before I could process it, the girl in front of my eyes had started crying.
“No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I get treated as a troublemaker! There’s no place where I belong! There’s nothing fun or interesting to do!”
“Yeah…”
“I get it just as much as you do, but just because I get it doesn’t mean I know what to do!”
“Yeah, yeah…”
“I might have to stop with the choir tomorrow! I’m frustrated so much but I don’t know how to deal with it! Moron! Moron! Moron!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…”
She was out of breath, and only tears fell to the ground. How many times has it been that I’ve seen this? This girl always cries immediately, and all the time. Because she’s a child. Even if she does evil things all the time, a girl is a girl.
“I can’t tell Papa about this, I never get any better at singing, I don’t understand how the other kids feel, and the only person who comes near me is a disgusting pervert who keeps saying disgusting stuff, you’re so much of a pervert that you’d making a move on the nuns, and you’re so disgusting that I feel like puking…”
“Yeah… Yeah? Um, I feel like that last part wasn’t really necessary.”
“…It’s not interesting at all. This world is just boring!” She stomped on the ground like the child she was.
Well, being insulted by a child like this makes me feel like crying as well, and I can feel a tear or two about to come out, which makes sense since a middle school student is still a child. That’s why I couldn’t cheer up Emi either. I mentioned a one-man stage earlier, right? Well, that was actually a lie. Put up with it, please. I’m sad, so all I can do is quote stuff from manga. Go read Shounen Jump if you want to see a real hero or protagonist.
12
Various things caused the chapel plan to end in failure. I know that the term ‘various things’ isn’t well-appreciated in sophisticated literature, but I’m not an author, so it’s not like I care. While the two of us were practically bawling our eyes out, the alarm from Emi’s phone went off, so we panicked and picked it up, and then the lights in the nun’s dorm turned on. I panicked, grabbed Emi’s hand, and dashed out of the chapel. These are the ‘various things’ I was talking about. Thinking back to it, I barely remember where we ran off to. The lights of a convenience store and vending machines, the lights of the cars passing us by, and the city lights. All I remember was thinking that the city at night was unexpectedly lit up.
“……”
We were walking down a path in the residential district, dimly lit. Emi was next to me, holding onto my hand, and she didn’t dare to let go. She used her free hand to wipe her eyes dry.
“…Emi.”
“…What?”
When she shot back a sharp-tongued reply, I felt relieved. I know I completely missed the time to do so, but there was something I had to tell her at all costs.
“Listen, I’m taking my high school entrance exams soon, and the high school I’m aiming for has a big festival where the students do all sorts of sports. They call it a sports festival. Parents and local residents can stop by and even participate. It’s a pretty big event.”
“…Huh.”
“In the corner of the courtyard there’s actually a wire-net deathmatch facility or something like that. Apparently, people vanish from there every year!”
“Is that really a sports festival?”
“Who knows? Either way, come to our school’s sports festival. That festival is perfect for rascals like you.”
“…Perfect for me?”
“You can run around and do crazy things as much as you’d like. You can play as much as you like. Why don’t you bring everyone there? I’m sure you’d be popular right away! I can guarantee your potential!”
I sounded cool, made a cool face—And blurted out whatever came up in my mind. All I wanted was to see this girl smile, and my mouth moved on its own. I didn’t even know what school I was aiming for, either.
“So then, Papa will also…” Emi tightly pressed her hand on her chest. “…No, you as well.”
“Hm?”
“Will you be there too?”
“Of course! I’ll play with you until you’re fed up with me!” I declared.
“Even after that? Long into the future? So long that I might forget about you?”
“That should be fine!”
“…Why?”
“Because even if you forget, I—No, my index finger will remember your body.”
“That’s really disgusting…”
For a second, her eyes glared up at me. Weird. In the world of literature, I’d usually be popular right away after saying a phrase like that. Also, honestly speaking, I couldn’t forget about a rascal like her even if I wanted to. And when I told her that…
“…Huh. Well, I’ll give it some thought.” Emi shrugged.
Her hand, still holding mine, shook like the fin of a pleased goldfish. I gave a faint laugh and returned the grip.
—With this, one story comes to an end. But of course, this wasn’t the correct result by any means. There were other things I should have talked to her about besides that sports festival. For example, I could have asked Emi about her Papa. I should have become informed about her problems in her family, act like the protagonist in some light novel, and resolve everything through that.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t bring up anything like that. The wall was too high, I didn’t know where to start climbing, and my restraint and embarrassment weighed me down. That being said, more important than anything… I just didn’t know what words to use when talking with her.
As the child that I am, I reached my limit. I wonder if my mouth will work more fluently once I become a high school student. Will I change into more of a proper human being? Will I be able to save someone without using someone else’s words, but my own? As of right now, I can’t tell. I can only pray that a day like this will come. There was only one thing I could say with my own words.
“So please—Don’t give up on the choir, okay?”
“…I wouldn’t even if you didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah. Also, I’ve never heard you sing before. Can’t you let me listen to it once in a while?”
“…Moron. Disgusting. Don’t get on such a high horse.”
“It figures~”
Haha, I feel like crying again. I’m a boy, though, so I’ll try my best to hold it back.
“…One day, I’ll get better at it, and then…”
I heard Emi’s faint voice next to me. Her hair was covering her face. This actually made her look more like a girl her age.
“Yeah? And then?”
“Nothing!” Emi averted her face on this dimly-lit street.
The faint light shone down on her small cheek, coloring it pink.
13
Since then, things haven’t changed at all, of course.
“Yo, Mr. Seducer.”
“Ah, Ponchi. You were bathing in the sun, huh?”
“Yeah. Meeting you here must have been some sort of fate. How about some good old bike riding, huh?”
Once summer break arrived, Ponchi and I ran into each other more frequently, and it soon turned into a new daily routine.
“Sorry, I made a promise to take some pictures at a nearby photobooth.”
“With the same girl as always?”
“Yeah, that girl.”
“Why are you focusing on her lately? You’re like actual siblings now. A lot like me and Yaji-san!”
“You’ve got the wrong idea again! Anyway, see you!” I flashed a bitter smile and headed towards the church.
It’s true. There’s nothing about us that’s close. Our relationship is just me being pushed around to cater to her every whim. For example, the instant we met that day in the church’s back yard, she gave up on the photobooth plans and instead started rapidly questioning me. What kind of animal I would like to be in my next life, or what I would do if I found one million yen. Those kinds of psychological questions.
She must have been influenced by some weird late-night show. As a substitute for her yet-to-find best friend, I lend her any strength that I can.
“What would you bring with you to a deserted island?”
“Hm… Someone’s love, I guess?”
“Disgusting.”
“A girl shouldn’t spit on the ground like that!”
“What would be the last sound you listen to right before your death?”
“The chime of a girl’s high…”
“Stop being disgusting already.”
“Stop spitting on my face, okay?!”
“………Also, what’s your favorite type of girl?”
“Eh. Hmm… If I were to give an honest response, probably a girl older than me.”
“…Why do you have to be so disgusting!”
“Why?!”
Emi landed a flying lariat right on my stomach. Because of her small stature, it didn’t actually hurt all that much, but an action like this could make her popular with a certain and small group of men, so I’d advise her to give up this bad habit. It’s just a kind warning from Onii-chan, at least that’s what I told her, and then the lariat suddenly turned into a dynamite magnum, which almost killed me.
“…What are your preferences when it comes to people who are younger?”
“That’s a bit difficult… I guess her hair should be in twintails, she should talk with unclear wording and imprecise expressions, and she should talk in third person. Also, if she were to say ‘I love Onii-chan’, that would be the best! Uehehe!”
“Stay away from me for at least a week, you disgusting nerd…” Emi looked at me like I was a patient in the special psychological ward at a hospital. Her expression was a mental flying lariat.
That was something any other normal boy wouldn’t have been able to recover from. But I can’t let this verbal abuse continue forever!
“Only one week? That’s really kind of you. Good girl, good girl.”
“—Gwha?!”
Whenever I went on the aggressive like this, she ended up being unable to counter my approach and started acting like a normal little girl. Of course, dear police officer, it’s not how you think it is. This is fatherly love, so I’m totally safe.
“Let go! Shtop it!”
“You bit your tongue again. That’s really cute.”
“You’re so annoying! You… you… That hand smells like a dog’s back leg that hasn’t been washed for three years!”
“N-No way…”
The fatherly love was shattered one minute after it had been established. Police officer, I’m sad now. While I was trying to heal my wounded soul, Emi started fixing her hair that I had ruffled up. She clicked her tongue in disgust.
“……”
However, her hands suddenly stopped moving. After hesitating for a moment, she started pulling her hair into two separate strands.
“…Um, Youto-Onii-chan… you know, Emi actually..”
She clearly was forcing herself. With a stiff smile, she used the puddle of water below her as a mirror.
“Ohh?”
“…It’s not happening! Never ever!”
After that, however, she quickly returned to normal and raised her head.
“You’re just too disgusting! Moron moron moron moron! Your parents are morons as well! As well as all your ancestors!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, blushing furiously.
You’re probably totally right about that, but I still don’t appreciate you insulting my family. I feel bad for them.
Either way, just as much as Emi’s evildoing continued, so did my suffering. As for now—since it’s practically summer break—I’ll probably be rather busy. Thus, although I barely have any time, I’ll write these notes today as well. The role of this text of indictment has come to an end, and normal diary entries take way too much effort. Not to mention that this isn’t something I can just show other people. What am I doing this for? I don’t even know anymore. I can only hope that these notes will eventually bring aid to a true hero.
1 1603-1868
2 Rough guess, but maybe from the work Hizakurige (Eng Shank’s Mare), where one character is called Yaji
3 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitreya ; On a side note, the name Yaji is written as 弥(this kanji is used in the name Yaji in 2 above, and for Ajita; and 次, which most likely represents the second coming above
5 Emi butchers the saying ‘Birds of a feather flock together’ and confuses it with fish.
6 Possibly a reference to a Captain Tsubasa character, who possessed such ‘Golden Right hand’.
CClaw Translations 