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Speak up before you regret it
The sound of cicadas was annoyingly loud. The weather lady on the morning news who was wearing a short-sleeved shirt spoke happily about it being another hot day on the archipelago.
“So when you exchange X and Y… I see, so that’s how you get Z… Oho… I don’t get it. I have a proposal, Perverted Prince.”
“Wanna turn these printouts into a paper plane tournament? Sure, I’m good at that.”
“Listen to me! I’ll start solving the problems on the back, and you’ll start solving the problems on the front. How about it? It’s totally fair, right?”
“That’s actually a pretty good idea considering that it came from you, Ponta. If you leave out the fact that there are no problems on the other side of the paper.”
Ahh, I want to leave this forsaken hell of a school already. I want to bathe in the cool, air-conditioned paradise of my own home. Normally, after our school’s exam period comes an exam break, and after that follows our long summer break. But Ponta and I were sitting in our usual classroom, our desks pushed together, as we challenged the math supplementary lessons.
‘The period known as exam break gives you the right to take a break from studying. It is not to be treated like a coupon for a family restaurant. You have to work to earn this right, you idiots.’
Indeed, we had been forced to listen to a speech to that effect. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if such words could incite a revolution. When I made my way to school, these printouts were there waiting for us. It was like self-service supplementary lessons.
“Seriously, a bit of freedom would have been nice. You wanna rejoice during your springtime of youth. Right, Perverted Prince?”
“Spring is over, and I’m in the deepest part of the rainy season right now.”
“Tch tch tch, don’t keep silent about it like you’re a clam on a grill. There’s no need to feign ignorance. I got witnesses that say they saw you walking around with dolled-up beautiful women on a lovey-dovey date.”
“…I feel like I understand how the game of telephone got started.”
“Don’t try to cover it up. Don’t you know that you’re creating a shortage of women for other folks?”
Maybe it was because of the heat, but Ponta seemed like he was trying to pick a fight today. He managed to land a one-hundred combo stabbing attack of his pencil into my side.
“I thought we were allies, you know. When did you leave me behind like this? Both Tsutsukakushi sisters and Azuki-san? You’ve got a harem big enough to make an Arabian king cry. How did you manage to ensnare them, you bastard?”
“Didn’t you throw away your carnal desires, Ponta?”
“This and that are two different things. You can’t simply wish jealousy away. I’d love to hear the trick that’s gotten you surrounded by works of Gogh, Millet, or Monet.”
“I would be happier if they were just paintings, to be honest… Also, did you just say ‘the Tsutsukakushi sisters?’ Did you know all along that the Steel King had a little sister?”
“Of course I did! Then again, I only saw her from afar. They look just like each other. Even an idiot would be able to guess!”
“…Probably. Someone who can’t see the resemblance even after staying with one of them all the time would be an even bigger idiot. He’d be an actual moron.” A sigh escaped my lips.
The printout was filled with mathematical formulae, but the answers weren’t filled out. My hand wasn’t moving across the page at all. It’s been three days since we left the shopping district. During that time, I hadn’t contacted either Tsutsukakushi or Azuki Azusa. The reason was simple. Even if I did manage to get a hold of either of them, I still wasn’t sure what I would say.
Azuki Azusa turned out to be neither a landscape painting nor an innocent fairy, but a lonely girl. Azuki Azusa has feelings just as much as Tsutsukakushi does, and although they might not show on the outside, they definitely still exist deep inside her heart, hidden from everybody’s sight. And I didn’t even understand something simple as that. My only goal had been getting back my facade, and I tried analyzing her like heroines you’d see in video games.
I had been busy thinking about how to make her a commoner. I was trying to figure out how to make her grow tired of the facade. All I did was plot from the perspective of the overall goal. I never stopped to look at the girl herself. I didn’t even bother to think how she must have felt to be deceived out on a date.
‘I don’t care at all,’ Azuki Azusa had said.
Of course, that was just what she said. It wasn’t her true feelings. Words didn’t help here at all. The face she made said it all, the face of a dog being left behind by its owner. And you couldn’t tell who the pet was here.
Being rejected—it’s just as the girls said. Transferring, friends… it’s all ‘that’. I didn’t want to think about ‘that’. I wanted to think about girls in swimsuits. I wanted to think about spats and their magic, or about what’s inside a skirt. I wanted to live freely and think about these things all I wanted. But whenever I try thinking about such things now, Azuki Azusa comes to mind. As a result, I was unable to get any work done during this supplementary lesson.
Noon arrived. It was time for us to bring the blank printouts to the teacher now.
“Sigh… What should I do about this…?”
“We can only tell them honestly, right? Something like we were distracted, so we couldn’t finish it, and you’re the worst kind of teacher for not motivating us enough, or something like that.”
“A-Ahhh, I see… Y-Yeah, let’s do that…”
“Are you serious?! …You’ve been spacing out all day, man! What happened? Are you worried about something?”
“Something like that. It’s more like I’m having trouble about the reason why I’m troubled.”
“The heck is that supposed to mean?” Ponta looked very confused.
Just as I had been thinking, words really are inconvenient. If I tried to put the situation into words, I wouldn’t be able to find the right ones, so I just went with a cool phrase I had heard somewhere before. We made our way through the connecting hallways towards the math preparation room. The math teacher, who looked like Daruma1 with a moustache, glanced at us with a confused look on his face several times, even after we had been there for a bit.
“What? It’s just you two?”
“It was only the two of us from the very start. We had a wonderful time enthusiastically debating the various causes of poverty in this world in this awful heat. What about it?”
“Did you hit your head? Go take a break in the infirmary. I’m surprised that Azuki is absent, though.”
What did he just say? Did I hear that right?
“Sensei. By ‘Azuki,’ do you mean Azuki Azusa?”
“Hm? Yeah, that’s right. She’s had bad grades in several subjects, and now she’s not showing up for the supplementary lessons. That sure leaves a bad impression, doesn’t it?”
“Ha ha ha. I didn’t expect that from Azuki-san.”
“You two are even worse off, so keep that mouth shut.”
The teacher chopped Ponta on the head lightly, and Ponta clapped his hands together in apology. He glanced over at me.
“Should we give her an earful when we take the printouts to her house?”
“Huh? No, that’s…” The teacher started.
“No need to worry! This guy’s so close to her that he already found out where she lives without her consent!”
Hey, what are you blurting out in front of a teacher, you moron?
“There’s no need to thank me. Just take care of whatever’s troubling you.” Ponta whispered into my ear. I feel like he’s gotten the wrong idea about something.
“High school students nowadays sure take it fast,” the teacher commented. “Why can’t I get so intimate? Kinda annoying. There are some printouts left on the desk, so go ahead and take them to.” He spoke in a light, indifferent tone as he looked at the printouts I was carrying.
“What in the world is this?! You only wrote your names on there! You actually have the guts to hand it in like this?”
“Because you’re the worst teacher ever, we couldn’t solve any of the problems… is what Ponta said.”
“Heeeey! Don’t snitch!”
“…Both of you come back here tomorrow for more remedial lessons. And bring Azuki with you,” The teacher made a sour face like he had eaten a bug.
Well, Ponta wasn’t wrong. Thanks to my observation and investigation into the life of Azuki Azusa, I had found out where she lived.
“Don’t underestimate me. People who get in the way of love deserve to get kicked in the nuts. So go get her, champ!”
Love, he says… That’s really not the case here, though. Then again, fixing Ponta’s misunderstanding would be a total pain, so I just went on my merry way instead. Though it was surprising that Ponta just sent me off like that, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see how she was doing. Those were my honest feelings, without a facade.
A few stations after getting on the train, I arrived at the commuter town’s residential district. Making my way up to the fourth floor of the apartment complex as the scorching sun sizzled down on the asphalt, I found apartment number 403 with the name ‘Azuki’ written on it. When I rang the bell, the door opened, and I was welcomed by a voice that I had heard on the phone before.
“Ah, I’m Yokodera. I go to the same school as Azuki Azusa-san.”
“Oh my oh my, you’re the boy I had the phone call with. So you really came! Come on in.”
Azuki’s mother was just like her, if you subtracted height but added kindness and friendliness. It felt like she’d be able to pass as Azuki Azusa’s older sister. She took a close look at my face as I stood in the entrance.
“I thought as much. Just as I’ve heard, your expression looks just like a puppy’s…”
“Eh?”
“Ah, don’t mind me. I’m just talking to myself.”
Maybe it’s because her outer appearance looks young that tends to act the same, or maybe her youthful attitude has been transferred over to her outer appearance. Whatever the case, she made her way towards the living room with light, youthful steps. It was a bright, fresh-feeling home. A water tank decorated one wall. As if showcasing the endless love of a pet owner, the tank was half-full with transparent water, and there were even sand, bricks, and water plants, all creating a peaceful layout, but there were no fish in sight.
“My, is something wrong?”
Mother Azuki apparently had caught onto my gaze. She tilted her head much in the same way as her daughter would.
“Ah, well… I actually have two questions.”
“My my. If it’s something I can answer, I gladly will.”
“Then for starters, what exactly is that?”
Mother Azuki was carrying a rolled-up blanket under her arm, and something was peeking out from inside.
“It’s a green turtle. It’s name is Victor. My daughter really took a liking to it. She says it has a cute face. Since it hates the cold, I have to warm it up like this.”
It was probably the occupant of that empty water tank over there. Victor was about the size of the palm of my hand, and when his name was called, Victor stretched out his neck, only to pull it back inside the blanket again.
“…Then my second question. Why is it so cold in here?”
The inside of the Azuki household had a low temperature that you wouldn’t expect from this mid-summer season. By the time I sat down on the sofa, all the sweat on my face had already vanished.
“Excuse me, but aren’t you running the A/C a bit too cold?”
“My, I’m sorry. I thought that lowering the room temperature would help counter the heat from a cold.”
“That has the opposite effect, doesn’t it…?”
“My, why is that?” Mother Azuki had a confused look on her face. She started preparing some sliced apples, cutting them to look like rabbits.
Is there even anything that helps you get better from a cold? When I kept quiet, Mother Azuki broke out in a smile.
“Ah, that’s right. You must want to talk with Azusa, not me.”
“Eh, no, that’s not…”
“It’s fine. Azusa is always telling me so much about you. She always says there’s a boy who’s chasing her around like a puppy. She says how much she doesn’t like it when you say how much you like her, but she still looks satisfied by it to me.”
“H-How much I like her?!”
I don’t remember saying any of that! I nearly spit the apple slice I was eating in shock, but then I realized. Azuki Azusa’s facade even activated towards her family. She couldn’t tell them that I was her pet. That’s why she probably talked about love and relationships in front of her mother.
“But I’m sorry to tell you this even though you came out of your way all the way out here. Azusa still hasn’t gotten better.” Mother Azuki carefully cut the apples as she spoke.
“She hasn’t gotten better? What do you mean?”
“Oh my, you came all the way out here and you haven’t even heard? Her cold. Azusa has been really tired after she came home from the date.”
“I see…”
“It’s probably just backlash. She took time off from her part-time work and barely studied for the exam. That’s how much she was looking forward to it.”
A white calendar hung in the living room. A red circle was drawn over the day of the date.
“A lot happened at her previous school. That’s why she was in such high spirits. She can be a bit of a difficult person, and I’m sure she’ll give you lots of trouble in the long run, but she’s honest to her core, so would you mind tagging along with her?” Mother Azuki shrugged her shoulders like a young child. “But if you didn’t come here for her, then why are you here? Don’t tell me… it was me all along? My, you can’t do that. I already have someone I’ve devoted my everything to.”
“N-No no no! I just came here to deliver her handouts.”
“Handouts? My, isn’t her school on break?” This time, she tilted her head in confusion.
Before I could answer, she snapped her fingers.
“Ah, I see how it is. You must have wanted to talk to Azusa. I’m sorry for not catching on. Delivering printouts even during break like this? How cute of you.”
“N-No, it’s true. The teacher asked me to!”
“It’s fine. You really are like a puppy. I’ll bring you to Azusa’s room, then. I’m not sure if she’ll open the door or not, but your voice should do the trick.”
Mother Azuki pushed me from the back, and we made our way towards the end of the hallway. With a wink and a ‘Take your time’, she closed the door to the living room.
“…What was that all about?”
Mother Azuki and Ponta both were acting the same. They seemed to have the wrong idea about all of this. I guess that people don’t change much even without a facade. The door in front of me had a sign with the name ‘Azusa’ hanging from it. The door was locked. The cold, almost freezing air from the living room had even reached all the way to here. The lights were off, and my surroundings were nearly pitch black.
What should I say now? I looked around in a daze and spotted a giant bookshelf that nearly blended into the darkness around me. The book titles I could make out said things like ‘12 Zodiac Basket2’, ‘Mouse Mouse3’, ‘Princess Gamera’, ‘Lion Emperor’, ‘Parapup4’… it was full of manga about animals. But there was one weird one mixed in there…
“…Why did you come here?”
I heard a voice from across the door, almost as if the person was standing next to me. If I had to guess, she was probably listening from really close to the door. I thought she had a cold? She seems like she’s pretty lively to me. But her voice wasn’t the same as usual. It sounded like she had been crying for three days and three nights straight. It was a husky voice, like it was about to disappear.
“Ahh, well… I heard you had a cold? Are you okay? I came to deliver some handouts from school.”
“Lies.”
“I-It’s not a lie! The handouts are from the supplementary lesson today! You got a notice yesterday, right?”
“Lies.”
“…It’s the truth.”
“Lies.”
Sheesh, why is she doubting everything I say? To prove it to her, I slipped the handouts through the gap below the door.
“Look at this, okay? There’s even a comment from the teacher. I had supplementary lessons, too, and he asked me to bring you these.”
“…I see how it is.”
I heard an arrogant snicker from across the door.
“You probably told everyone. You said that Azuki Azusa is an idiot who has to take supplementary classes in math, right? Whose fault do you think it is that I couldn’t study…? No, I see. Inviting me out on the date was just to keep me from studying properly.”
“Wait, what?”
“That’s why you made me fail in school, making me look like a chimpanzee baby. It was all so that you all could laugh about me, wasn’t it? Yeah, that has to be it. The reason you didn’t contact me until the very last second was so that I would be sleepless at night. I thought it was weird at the time.”
“…Um, Azuki Azusa?”
What is she on about? I wasn’t even being given a chance to get a word in edgewise.
“I saw through everything. You didn’t deceive me; I just played along. I’m not an idiot like you think I am. It was all on purpose. Good grief, having to play along with people inferior to me is so tiresome…” She once again let out an arrogant snort.
What do I do? Dad, there’s some crazy dark miasma leaking out from under the door here! The A/C isn’t the biggest problem with this house. At this rate, the whole area is going to be tainted by a great fairy war!
…Or so I joked around in my head, but my mouth still didn’t work. I was still confused by my own personal feelings. And I couldn’t say she was wrong, either. After all, in the end we had done it all to deceive her.
“Let me just set this straight. You’re very badly mistaken.”
“I doubt it. You’re just making excuses. There’s no equality or friendship between us. That’s right. I kept my distance from the very beginning.”
Like the gloomy rainy season, she continued to say depressing lines like that. The flower, normally protected by her facade, felt like she was becoming stronger by stacking up mistake after mistake. She’s the number one beauty of the school year, a noblewoman but actually not. She tends to blow herself up, and she gets angry easily because of that. Where did that Azuki Azusa go? It’s like she’s a completely different person right now.
“U-Um!”
“…What?”
“Eh, well…”
Even after I called out to her, I hesitated.
Don’t be stupid. Cheer up already so that we can be like before.
Keep going like that, and give me back my facade already.
Which one is correct? What should I say to Azuki Azusa? Which path should my feelings take?
“…Hmph. Go away, then. I told you I’m not going to bother with you anymore.”
While I was still lost in thought, she hit the door weakly, leaving me with no words to say in response.
I made my way back to the living room that still was as cold as the dead of winter. I gave a short ‘I’ll be going home now.’ Mother Azuki was busy feeding Victor some apples. Did she make them both for both the puppy and the turtle? It’s not like it matters now.
“My, already? I wouldn’t mind if you stayed a bit longer. How is Azusa doing?”
“…I don’t know.”
“My, is that so? Well, it would have been a miracle of love if the cold vanished an hour after you came.”
“Haha…”
“I did get my hopes up a bit, you know? I thought you might be able to open the Gate of the Celestial Rock Cave5.” Mother Azuki’s voice dropped in tone.
Her voice shook a bit, almost imperceptibly.
“Azusa came home saying she caught a cold. She’s locked herself up in her room this entire time. I can’t even see how she’s doing like this.”
“I’m sure she just doesn’t want you to worry about her. Maybe her pride is at stake, too.”
“I wonder… I’d be happy if she would rely on me from time to time.”
I’m sure she must be living on the opposite end of that dark hallway that I saw back there. That’s why they can’t erode. They don’t contact each other. After escorting me to the entrance, Mother Azuki lowered her head.
“Thank you very much for today… I really am glad that she transferred to this school. I would have never imagined someone would come to visit her day after day, considering how she was treated in her previous school.”
“Not at all… Wait, day after day?”
“Yes. Both yesterday and the day before, a girl came to visit Azusa. What was her name again…? Her family name was a bit difficult… She was really small and calm.”
“Was it Tsutsukakushi, by any chance?”
“Ahh, yes yes. That was her name. Feel free to come over anytime, just like her.”
Waving my hand at me, she saw me off down the stairs. Unlike the subzero temperature inside the Azuki household, the sun outside stood tall, and I felt sweat building up on my forehead already. I’d been thinking about all sorts of things ever since this morning, and my head had started to hurt. I wish someone would come and help me. A small, calm, cute girl, who would give me a cold stare like always… I want to see Tsutsukakushi.
*
The hill with the lone tree on it was dyed a bright orange. It was just between afternoon and night, and the wind had calmed down. I thought I might meet her here. It was just an assumption born of a hypothesis, but I believed in this hunch of mine. Although there’s many things I don’t understand, I always feel like I can wrap my head around Tsutsukakushi, at least to a certain degree. I felt like she might be taking a walk right now. That’s why I wasn’t surprised to find her here.
“Yo,” Waving my hand, I approached her.
“Yo, yes. Would you like some?”
Tsutsukakushi was holding a plastic bag with steamed buns inside. Sitting down next to the base of the tree, I held out my hand. Tsutsukakushi sat next to me, took out three steamed buns from the bag, and handed me one. The paper wrapped around it was still warm. She set the second beside her, and the third one she set at the feet of the cat statue. I lined up next to her, praying to the cat.
“…The Stony Cat sure has gotten popular, huh?”
“Yes. Though the children who live nearby fear it more than anything.”
On a whim, I glanced over at the cat statue. Today, it had a crying expression. I don’t know if cats can actually cry or not, but at the very least, the statue itself looked close to breaking out in tears. The wooden eyes looked damp and teary, and its mouth was wide open. It was an expression you shouldn’t be able to create just with wood.
“Maybe something sad happened?”
“I don’t know. Does a cat statue have emotions?”
“How would I know? But it makes me want to believe that it has a soul inside of it.”
The rumor about the power of the Stony Cat had spread quite a bit. The cat god, as round as a steamed bun, who would take something you don’t need. Thanks to its expressions always changing, the rumor had been given much more credibility. The place where small kids played around suddenly turned into a holy shrine.
A mountain of offerings was at our feet. Old clothes or rubbish, bouquets or pachinko prizes. Since an offering would be taken along with the prayer, these objects weren’t of much value. The fact that some of them were even scattered here probably meant that the prayers hadn’t been serious, or maybe they were offerings of gratitude from after the fact.
“…Putting aside the question of whether it has soul or not, treating this shrine as an actual god is a bit hard for me to do.” Tsutsukakushi looked at the cat statue, who had stolen her expressions, with a blank stare.
Shaking her head, she started munching on the steamed bun in her hand. I joined in, as well. After I took a bite, the meaty and juicy sauce filled my mouth.
“What brings you here today, Senpai?”
“Nom… Huh? Um… to talk a bit, I guess? Wait, are you done eating already?”
“Not yet.”
The steamed bun vanished into Tsutsukakushi’s mouth. She munched up and down for a bit with her cheeks as full as a hamster’s, and I admired how much they could fit. She soon gulped, and the steamed bun disappearing act was complete. She then picked up the steamed bun she had previously offered to the cat statue and did the same. Apparently, this gluttonous devil had planned on eating those two buns herself from the start.
“You want to talk? About Azuki-san?”
“I’m surprised you could tell.”
“I can tell most of the time if it’s Senpai.”
“I-I see. Then did you know that I was feeling a bit excited at the sight of the gravy running down your lips?”
“……Pervert.” She sighed at me.
Aww, she wiped it away with a handkerchief.
“Haha… I’m glad to see you’re doing fine.”
“…Thank you very much. I’m doing just fine.”
“Nothing changed with the Steel Ki—Your older sister after that?”
“Yes. I don’t think we’ll be able to change what’s between us anymore. More importantly, are you trying to figure out something concerning Azuki-san?”
Tsutsukakushi picked up on my half-assed question about the Steel King. But she clearly didn’t want to talk about it. She just played with the tip of her hair tail, not allowing me to press her any further about it.
After being exhausted by the cold temperatures at the Azuki household, I wasn’t in the mood to question her, either.
“I heard that you went to visit Azuki Azusa’s home, too?”
“Yes. I wanted to tell her that Senpai wasn’t at fault, but Onee-san…” Tsutsukakushi remained ambiguous.
She had probably failed.
“It didn’t work out for me either. Azuki Azusa figured out that the goal of that day wasn’t the date alone. It’s true that I wanted to take back my facade. I still want her to give it back. I’m even still hoping that she returns the facade because of her depression right now. But…”
“You can’t accept it, can you?”
“Hmm… Maybe that’s what this is. It’s not even about me liking or hating Azuki Azusa anymore. I can’t even tell true feelings from facade anymore, and I’m lost as to what to do next.”
…If only Azuki Azusa wasn’t a flatty. If she had big honkers, I’d rush to aid her right away!
The cedar tree stood behind us, and the shadow it created ran down the hill in a straight line, splitting the hill in half. It was almost like the battle lines that are always drawn between flat-chest lovers and big-chest lovers. Just kidding.
After we watched this scenery for a while, thinking to ourselves, Tsutsukakushi cleared her throat.
“Senpai. Changing your actions depending on the breast size of the individual involved is something only a pervert would do.”
“Eh?…Eh, you heard me?!”
“From the beginning.”
“Urk… W-Well, you know, they were my honest feelings, but… it’s not like I would just… you know, my honest feelings can be pretty troublesome at times.”
“I’m the one who’s troubled here. I’d love it if you could understand a girl’s heart one day, Senpai.”
Her cold gaze really hurt. I handed her the steamed bun I had started. With no expression whatsoever, the cat in front of me looked at my teeth marks, let out a sigh, and ate it anyway without hesitation. After that, she spoke again.
“You were confused about what was your honest feelings and what was the facade, right? Is there any real need to keep the distinction?”
“I mean, if I don’t know what I really want to do, I won’t be able to act accordingly, right? Even when I go buy DVDs at a rental shop, the facade forces me to hide the actual DVD I came there for, the video with girls, between two normal ones. It’s a sort of camouflage.”
“I’m not talking about that. I don’t think I can empathize, either.”
“I’m sorry…”
“For crying out loud. If I even could cry out loud. Anyway, you are making things too complicated for yourself, Senpai.” Tsutsukakushi cast her face downward, running her fingers along her chest as she continued. “Isn’t this hodgepodge of words you’re talking about what you really feel? There are times when people’s feelings can be hard to understand. Why don’t you just trust both your honest feelings and your facade? Just put action behind your words for once.”
“Words don’t depict reality or truth. Even during essential times, they might be limited. They’re worthless when you don’t even know what you should say. If I acted on impulse and regretted it…”
“What you should say doesn’t matter. Worrying about it won’t help you, either. Even right now, I don’t know if I’m saying what I’m thinking or if my facade is getting in the way. Both you and Azuki-san might regret it later, but I’ll still say this. For someone like me who can’t show her true feelings—For people who have the words to say, even if they aren’t always truthful, this is our only way of moving forward.”
“Hmm… So you’re telling me to go for broke?”
“It’s more like I want you to speak up before you ruin yourself.” Even while saying these motivational words, Tsutsukakushi continued to fumble around with her chest.
I honestly didn’t know how to react to this, but it wasn’t that important right now. Anything is fine, so just say it. Nothing starts if I don’t say anything. Basically, it’s the same as a voice actress in a movie moaning ‘Oui! Ouiiii!’, which can get you plenty excited even if you don’t understand it, but if you’re able to hear it in your own language, then your ability to empathize is higher. It must be something like that.
“…You are thinking about something perverted again, aren’t you?” Tsutsukakushi sounded tired of me.
“H-How did you know?!”
“…When your facial expression changes, your voice and feelings come out. I think that’s your biggest weapon.”
“I see… Hehe, it’s kinda embarrassing.”
“I wasn’t praising you.” Tsutsukakushi said, emitting a rather sulky atmosphere.
The subtle ups and downs of her eyebrows, the strength she used when moving her mouth… These simple patterns tell me enough. Though it can’t be compared to the level of expression the cat statue has right now.
“I feel like I’ve started to understand at least 50% of your expression as of late, Tsutsukakushi. If I can get even better at reading you, reaching 80% might be more than just a dream.”
“That’s right. I’ll grow even more now, as well.”
As if trying to convince herself, Tsutsukakushi was still busy rubbing her hands on her chest. I feel like we’re talking past each other, but there’s more important things to worry about right now. For the two of us, one who has lost their ability to speak their honest feelings and one who has lost their facade, just talking like this is a small miracle. If we can do this, I should be able to communicate even with someone who has a strong facade. Though it may be a bit aggressive, I decided on my plan of action.
Right after I split up with Tsutsukakushi, I sent Ponta an email.
‘I’m skipping tomorrow. Azuki Azusa won’t be coming either, so take care of that Daruma!’
‘Leave it to me. I couldn’t care less about the supplementary lessons, so go get ‘em, champ!”
The response came immediately. What a good friend. Thanks a bunch, Ponta. I don’t know how you plan on dealing with Daruma, but I’ll treat you to some juice after it’s all over.
I bowed down in a random direction. I’ll do whatever I can.
*
There’s common sense when it comes to crane games at game centers: If you use up vast sums of money, and you still don’t manage to get the prize you wanted, there’s a good chance that an employee will give you the prize if you ask them like so:
“I used up all of my money, and I still couldn’t get it~ I really want it, though~”
This works especially well if you give them an upturned gaze while doing so.
However, if you don’t have two cute girls with you, or if you’re an older lady instead of younger, you’ll be rejected right away with the click of a tongue.
‘Basically, it don’t matter to us.’ That’s what Ponta said in an email.
But common sense changes day in, day out. When I went back to the same game center and asked them about it, I got an immediate response and got the prize. Of course, I don’t think it’s in any way related to the fact that they were the part-time jobbers I met before, or that their odd manner of speaking had been miraculously fixed, or that they were showing a suspicious amount of loyalty, especially towards steel objects. I asked them about Azuki Azusa while I was there.
It’s a common story. A cute girl is wooed by a group of boys, and starts sticking out from the rest of the class. The boys would start thinking it’s okay to tease her, the girls would think that they were just flattering her, and it would all slowly spiral down into harassment.
“B-But we were actually trying to be friendly with her.”
“We might have teased her a bit, but I thought that she was a friend, at least6.”
But when their school trip came around, they went too far. They told Azuki Azusa, who frequently took days off school, that the destination for their trip was Hokkaido. Since they were in Azuki Azusa’s group, she decided to participate, and she spent a lonely time waiting at the airport terminal for planes heading north. Of course, her classmates never showed up. Because the trip’s actual destination was Okinawa.
“We heard that she liked red foxes, so we thought we might get her to come on the school trip if we told her that it was in Hokkaido. That was all.”
“We thought we’d break the news to her when we got to Haneda Airport. We didn’t think that we’d have to board the plane two whole hours before we departed.”
“We really didn’t have any bad intentions, okay? We wanted to apologize if the reason she transferred was our fault.”
Or so said Azuki Azusa’s former friends. To sum it up, they didn’t have any bad intentions. It happens a lot. But why don’t you apologize to the person herself, you idiots?
The following morning, 9am.
Though I felt bad for showing up so abruptly, Mother Azuki happily let me in. The green turtle Victor was there, as well.
“My my, come on in. Are you okay with milk? Do you prefer meat or fish?”
“Eh? Ah, I already ate my breakfast, so don’t mind me.”
“I have to give this healthy puppy a reward, okay? You can have some cookies, okay?”
“Ah, then…” I accepted some snacks in the freezing-as-ever living room.
Mother Azuki watched me eat the cookies with a look of joy on her face. I feel like I’m some kind of animal being fed here. I talked to her about Azuki Azusa. I talked about her previous school, her current school, and the manga in the bookshelf down the hallway.
“Thank you for the food. So is Azuki-san still…”
“Yes, she’s still locking herself up in her room. Neither north wind nor the sun have worked out.”
“North wind? Sun? Are you talking about one of Aesop’s Fables7?”
“I wonder?”
Mother Azuki raised one finger to her lips as if to show that it was supposed to be a secret. The house was as freezing cold as it had been before. If I were a pet here, I wouldn’t take to locking myself up; it was too cold for that. I glanced over at the hallway, and it was still completely silent. She must still be sitting on her bed, rolled up in her blanket. I can’t tell if she’s strong- or weak-minded.
“Then could I borrow her for a bit?”
“My, what an assertive puppy you are. Feel free.”
Thus, the rental contract was formed. I stepped out into the hallway and took a deep breath in front of the bookshelf. After that, I knocked on the door.
“…Go home. How many times do I have to tell you?” A husky voice came in response.
Just like yesterday, she must have been listening to my conversation with her mother. Now what stood between us was a wooden, locked door.
“I can’t do that, sadly.”
“…So you say, but once I let down my guard, you’ll leave me all alone again. You can’t deceive me anymore. I won’t ever open this door… Wait. What are you doing?”
“Opening the door?”
“W-What?! Huh?!”
The locks to the rooms here in a public residential district are always cheaply made. You just have to put a coin inside the hollow, twist and turn it a bit, and the door unlocks. I didn’t give Azuki Azusa any time to react. I threw open the door, and the girl fell out into the hallway, her body clad in pink pajamas.
“Good morning, Azuki Azusa.”
“Wha… eh… what…?” She opened and closed her mouth like a goldfish waiting to be fed.
Her eyes were somewhat swollen. Her chestnut-colored hair hadn’t been tended to for a while, and there were stray curls sticking out here and there, showing just how bad her sleeping posture actually was. I could clearly see the indentation of her collarbone peeking out from the disheveled collar of her pajamas. Mmmm, marvelous.
“Alright, it’s time to head out.”
“Who is?! And where?! What for?!”
Apparently, she was still confused. She was probably half-asleep. She frantically shook her head. Thanks to the choker, she looked like a dog that didn’t want to go out for a walk.
“If you can’t walk on your own, then I’ll have to carry you. Like this~”
“Kya! Gyaaaaaah?! Mama! Mamaa! This pervert is harassing me again!”
“I’m clearly not! We’re just going for a walk!”
What a horrible accusation she’s making just because I’m carrying her. And what does she mean by ‘again’? I started carrying her resilient legs beneath both my arms. Though it’s great that she’s not fighting back, probably because she’s still sleepy, if she doesn’t hold on more tightly, I’m a bit worried that she’ll fall down. Also, on a side note, your ‘Mama’ is currently putting Victor back into the water tank and returning the room temperature to normal.
“Let go! Let me go! I can’t leave the house!”
“That’s how shut-ins are born! You haven’t bathed in sunlight for too long! You’re young, so exercise some more!”
“That’s not the problem here! I’m wearing pajamas! With this face! And this hair! And you’re telling me to go outside?!”
“Ah, I’m sorry. She’s not cooperating well, but it’s okay.”
When I walked past the living room, I gave Mother Azuki a slight bow. She gave me a calm smile. Upon realizing that she had been betrayed, her daughter let out a wail.
“When did you conspire against me like this…? I’ll stop fighting against you, so at least let me brush my hair and put one some clothes…”
“No can do. You’ll just put up your facade and then lock yourself up in your room again.”
“This isn’t a facade or anything like that! I really feel this way! If someone were to see me like this…”
“It’s all facade with you, huh? Let’s go, then~”
“Have a safe trip~” Mother Azuki saw us off with a gleeful voice.
With that, we stepped out into the building’s main hallway.
“Uuu… I don’t want this…”
“It’s totally fine. The other people around won’t bother to look at you. Neither will I.”
“You pervert! Oaf! I do…” Azuki Azusa suddenly turned quiet.
She apparently really didn’t want to gather any attention from her neighbors. She was desperately trying to hide her face. She buried her nose in my neck. It kind of tickled.
“Really, what kind of harassment is this…?”
“It’s not anything like that!”
“Then some kind of revenge? There’s no need for you to go this far…”
I heard her sniffing behind me. But I was reminded that this wasn’t an exhibitionistic video, and I guess this situation might indeed be confusing for her. I don’t like it when a girl is crying, but if I turned back this late into the game, she’d definitely lock herself up again. While comforting her in the middle of the stairs with no one around, I called a taxi. This is going to cost me a pretty penny again, isn’t it? Sorry, Tsutsukaksuhi, I still don’t understand a maiden’s heart. It’s way too difficult.
“I’m just the driver. The only thing I can do is pray for the safety of this new victim…”
The taxi driver looked oddly familiar. He really loves practicing for interviews, I guess. When we got into the taxi, I realized that Azuki Azusa wasn’t wearing any shoes, either. She pulled her legs up onto the seat, hugging her knees, still only wearing her pajamas. She looked like a scared dog that was tucking in its ears and tail. The only thing that was the same about her appearance was the choker.
“Don’t make that face, Azuki Azusa. I’m not taking you anywhere weird.”
“All I hear are the lies of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. How can I believe you after all that…?”
“You don’t have to believe me. At least try to act like a proper noblewoman, and keep your back straight.”
“…Is that sarcasm? It has to be, right?” She buried her small face into her knees.
Maybe she doesn’t want me to see her face. I can’t really appreciate that.
“I-I know. Speaking about noblewomen, what do you think of Princess Gamera? I read that story before when I was little. She destroyed everyone who bullied her with Princess Plasma. It was a thrilling loner life!”
“How do you…?”
“I found it in the bookshelf standing in your hallway. It was an animal manga that was different from the others, so it stood out. You like the story, don’t you?”
“…I’m alone anyway, so I might as well read whatever I want. Just leave me alone…” Azuki Azusa curled up even more.
I had probably chosen the wrong topic, but she wasn’t listening to me anyway. She wasn’t allowing me to fix it. Even so, I had to tell her what I wanted to say.
“I’m here because I can’t leave you alone! Why don’t you get that already!”
“Eh……?”
“I finally understand you, Azuki Azusa. You’re weak when strong-willed people talk to you. You start crying immediately, lock yourself up, and distance yourself from others. In order to hide that, you relied on the Princess Gamera manga, right? The protagonist is a confident noblewoman who doesn’t lose against bullying. You changed your hairstyle to fit her, and you strived from morning to evening to change your image. You tried acting like you didn’t need love or friends.”
“T-That’s not it… I really prefer being alone.”
“That’s a lie, isn’t it?”
As Azuki Azusa’s pet, I’m closer to her than anybody else. That’s how I know that what she said wasn’t true.
“W-What do you base that on…?”
“Because you looked like you were having fun when we played together. I’ve never seen you make that face at school.”
If that happy and lively expression she made at the game center is the real Azuki Azusa, then the Azuki Azusa at school is nothing more than a fake. It’s like a swimsuit idol from a late night show suddenly appears on primetime television pretending to be a pure and proper character. Just wear your swimsuit all the time!
“I thought you were acting independent and happy, but that’s not true, is it? Even though you hated being alone, you made yourself difficult to approach. Your ‘reward time’ was just a way to impose conditions on letting other people near you.”
“Uuuu…”
“The longer you stay alone, the more your facade of an independent noblewoman grows stronger. You’re an idiot.”
“Y-You don’t have to insult me, okay?!” Azuki Azusa rubbed the corners of her eyes against her knees.
She was at the point of breaking out in tears. It was like she had been slapped in the face. A bit more and she’d wet the seat. With her tears, that is.
“I trust in people too easily, and keep getting betrayed… Unlike animals like Victor, people lie all the time. They don’t pay any attention to the feelings of the people they make fun of…”
“Did you forget that I’m called the Perverted Prince by everyone at school? Do you know how much the girls in my class treat me like a black sheep? They all move their seats as far away from me as they can. They even handed me the last exam paper using a trash grabber! From four meters away!”
“B-But… The people I thought were my friends lied to me…”
“Being deceived by your friends is still better than this! There was the day when the girls were going to get their body measurements, right? I was looking forward to it so much, but I was singled out the entire day by the person in charge of the thing. They forced me to count the grains of sand on the sports grounds outside!”
“Didn’t you kind of deserve that, though, you pervert?”
“That’s right. It was completely my fault. But you brought this upon yourself, too. Everyone cries immediately when they get made fun of at first. But on the other side of a charmed heart is the desire to toy with the other person. If you didn’t take them seriously, if you just treated them like brats, nothing would have happened.”
“…A Ch-Charmed heart?” Azuki Azusa stiffened up.
She looked like a soldier who had been shot without even knowing from where.
“Did you never even notice? Someone confessed to you almost immediately after you transferred, right? But you kept them at a distance using a weird method, so you attracted the weird kind of boys. On top of that, you acted like a noble lady. On top of that was the ‘reward time.’ You’re plenty cute to start with, but you added all kinds of weird constraints on people.”
“Eh…Eh? Cu…? Cute…?”
“Self-importance isn’t something you can get from others. It comes from the strength of your own heart. If you just act normally, I’m sure that people will like you just fine. I like the ordinary Azuki Azuki more.”
“Like… like… H-Hmmm…” Azuki Azusa muttered and fell silent again.
Why doesn’t she understand something as simple as this? Whenever there’s someone pretty taking care of the cash register at a bookstore, you go out of your way to buy an adult magazine to try to make her embarrassed. You guys get me, right?
Azuki Azusa for her part seemed to be lost in thought, and while I was busy thinking about interesting ways to buy adult magazines, the taxi finally arrived at the bottom of the hill. After paying the driver, I opened the door.
“…I don’t have any shoes.”
“Yeah, now that you mention it.”
“……Carry me.”
“Eh? Ah, okay.”
When I picked her up again, she was calmer than before. She was holding onto me properly, and she seemed to have cheered up a lot more. Thank goodness.
No one else was on the hill. Only the shimmering sun and the crying cat statue watched us. Carrying a girl in her pajamas up this hill was quite a task. But of course I knew that I couldn’t mention her weight in any way. Even someone like me, who doesn’t understand how a girl’s heart works, knows that much. But I’d appreciate this a bit more if the soft sensation against my back had just a bit more volume. I shook my head to clear it. This wasn’t related to that in any way.
“I wanted to bring you here. Have you seen the Stony Cat here before?”
“I haven’t, but I’ve heard the rumours… What about it?”
“I want to talk about that facade of yours. And I can only do it here.”
The branches and leaves of the trees around us swayed in the breeze, giving me the confidence to finish this once and for all. Once we made it to the shadow of the cedar tree, I felt a tug at my hair.
“Um… before that, there’s one thing I want to make sure of.”
“What is it?”
“I-It might be a bit late for this, but I want to confirm my own feelings,” Azuki Azusa fidgeted nervously, wrapping her arms around my neck.
She pulled herself forward, looking at my face from the side. That gesture was awfully cute.
“J-Judging from our conversation earlier, if I throw away my facade and start to act normal again, you’ll come to l-l-like me even more, right?”
“Nope.”
“……Eh?”
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. If you were to ask me directly, I don’t love you or anything. I don’t think so, at least. If I look at just you, my heart doesn’t skip a beat or anything.”
All strength vanished from Azuki Azusa’s arms. She slowly pulled her body away from my back.
“Ah, wait, I meant that in a more general sense! I’m sure that everyone but me will grow to like you more!”
“……Liar.” She sighed in despair.
What if she strangles me to death here?
“W-Wait! You said you knew the rumour of the cat statue, right?! Where should I start… That cat is crying, right? Doesn’t it look creepy?”
“……”
“The cat statue didn’t look like this before. It didn’t have any expressions. It actually stole them from Tsutsukakushi.”
Azuki Azusa stayed quiet, but I continued hurriedly explaining. I told her about what had happened so far. About me and Tsutsukakushi. About speaking her honest feelings and my facade. Everything.
Of course, it was all just a giant mess. I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t believe it, or if she even got angry at me. But the reaction Azuki Azusa had was neither of the two. She looked like she believed everything. “Huh,” she said, indicating that she had been listening. Almost as if she didn’t really care about the cat statue rumour. Instead, she picked up on something else I said.
After that, she forcefully pulled my arms off her and got off my back. She stood on the ground with her bare feet, staring at my back.
“…So everything was a lie.”
“What was?”
“You don’t even like me or anything. It was all just for the facade. It was all just a misunderstanding on my part again, wasn’t it?”
“Well, if you put it like that… then yeah, that’s the general gist.”
“…So stupid.” Azuki Azusa looked up at the sky.
Her slender shoulders were shaking ever so slightly. As if she were suffering, her facade made her try to hide her weakness. She looked like she was about to vanish like a flower fairy. It was the same face she had made back at the shopping district. But this time it’s different. Because I still had something else to say.
“Listen.”
I lowered my head deeply.
“—I’m sorry for lying to you. I hurt you with my actions.”
I finally understood what it was I wanted to do back at the game center. I wanted to apologize. Ever since grade school, I just said whatever came to mind, never caring what happened as a result. That’s why my words never meant anything. I forgot how to apologize. Now I could finally do what I hadn’t been able to back then.
Azuki Azusa’s eyes opened wide. Only for them to narrow as big droplets of tears came falling down.
“W-What’s with you?! Don’t… sniff… make me feel more miserable than I already do!”
“I really am sorry. And, if you’re okay with it, I was wondering if you wanted to become friends. Completely unrelated to facade and all that.”
Still bawling her eyes out, Azuki Azusa aggressively shook her head left and right.
“No! You’re just saying that so that you’ll get back your facade!”
“Yup, that’s about it,” Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to lie anyway, I spit out the truth.
Her crying got louder a moment, and her fist hit me in the chest.
“But, completely unrelated to all that, I just can’t leave you alone.”
The sight of Azuki Azusa, crying like a small baby as she stood here on the hill, reminded me of that girl. The girl who had cried because of me on this hill with the cedar standing on it. The girl who can’t cry anymore. Although the two of them intersected less than parallel lines, they both had one thing in common.
Tsutsukakushi tried to hide her honest feelings because she was such a crybaby.
Azuki Azusa kept up her facade because she was such a crybaby.
Both of them wanted to change, and relied on something else to do it for them. Praying to the cat statue or relying on their noble lady act. But that’s not going to cut it.
“You shouldn’t cling to your facade. That’s just living a lie. Why not live according to how you honestly feel? It’s better than not being able to show your feelings at all.”
“I-I don’t want to hear that from you of all people.”
“I can say it right now specifically because I don’t have a facade. I need it, but you don’t.”
Azuki Azusa’s face grew messy from all the tears. They even reached down to the collar of her pajamas. Her bare feet must have been cold from standing in the grass like this. Although I didn’t bother calling her a noblewoman, she definitely looked like a cute fairy standing there.
“I know that you get angry easily, cry easily, and when you cry, your tears and snot keep running without stopping. I know that your sleeping posture is horrible. I know that you can be a difficult person to deal with. I know a lot of things about you. But I still want to be friends with you. Between us, between real friends, there’s no need for any facade!” I declared.
Just as Tsutsukakushi had said, I kept blurting out whatever words came to mind. But I was worried that this might not be enough. If I were the protagonist in a game, with lots of girls to choose from, I might have been able to phrase it better. As always, my mouth is only able to say what I’m able to think of.
Azuki Azusa’s mouth, though, didn’t move at all how she wanted it to. It would open, close again, release a weep when it opened again, and she’d bite her lips afterwards, creating an endless cycle.
For a while, I just continued to watch her face. I should have watched at least some videos where the girls weren’t smiling for reference. Should I hug her and cheer her up? I don’t know how to react here. Instead, I whispered in her ear.
“You really are cute. So much so that I want to poke my nose into your business. You should have more confidence in yourself. You know the saying ‘To love oneself is to start the beginning of a life-long romance’, right?”
“Uuu…”
“‘Life is simple, and simple is the right thing. What’s complex is us8’, as well. Let’s live on simpler terms. Let me help you by taking off that facade of yours so that you can live without this burden.”
“Uuu…”
As a side note, all the quotes just now came from Oscar Wilde. Since he’s my spirit animal when it comes to love, I have to quote him here. Around the time the shadows had moved about twenty degrees, Azuki Azusa finally stopped crying. She lifted up part of her pajamas and wiped her face. And then she looked at me like a puppy that had just been born.
“Can I really believe you this time?”
“Yup. I truly believe that you don’t need a facade at all.”
“…So you’re not lying when you say that you want your facade back, either?”
“…Yup.”
“What a horrible pet,” She giggled softly. She sounded like she felt relieved. “Ahh, I’m an owner who was deceived several times by her pet. What a horrible story.”
She wiped her eyes one last time and then put one finger on my mouth, when I started to try to formulate another excuse.
“Next time, deceive me all the way, okay? I’ll get angry if you make me wait in vain.”
Azuki Azusa turned her back towards me, facing the steamed-bun-shaped cat statue. In a barely audible voice, she started praying.
‘I wish I would lose my facade I don’t need…’
I carefully reached out my fingers towards her neck. Though she twitched for a second, she didn’t resist. The old, leather choker. I had actually tried taking it off before, specifically back when she thought I was sniffing her neck, but I couldn’t take it off at all.
But, this time, as if it had belonged to me the entire time, it gave way immediately. As I grasped it in the palm of my hand, an electrical current ran through my body. I didn’t feel any discomfort. It was like I was a burned-out light bulb that had received new energy. I mean the sensation I felt. I could tell that my facade had returned.
The robust choker around Azuki Azusa’s neck, and my belt had I used to tie up Barbara-san or hide my picture collection. They were both the same object. They restrained our honest feelings. It was the symbol of a facade. When I prayed to the cat statue, this was the offering that had gone to Azuki Azusa from me. When I thought of it that way, the puzzle made sense.
“…Hey.”
After finishing her prayer, Azuki Azusa turned around. She pointed towards the feet of the thick cat.
“Is that…?”
“Yup. I went there again yesterday, and I managed to win it.”
It was a crane game prize, a certain turtle plush toy. It was leaning against the cat statue, decorated with a ribbon as a present. The arm on the crane had been too weak, and I hadn’t been able to win it no matter how hard I tried. That’s why I had employed the ‘common sense’ of the crane game, but my mouth didn’t work properly, which forced me to lie.
“Even a chicken can fly with enough practice. And since we’re human, we can achieve anything if we just work hard. With that in mind, I wanted to give this to you.”
“How sophisticated… But thank you. I’m happy.” Azuki Azusa smiled as beautifully as a blooming flower.
Her eyes were still red from the tears she had shed.
…Girls really are more cute when they can show their honest feelings, I thought at the time.
1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daruma_doll
2 Probably a reference on the manga ‘Fruits Basket’
3 Maybe Mickey Mouse?
4 Reference on the manga and anime ‘Parasite’
5 Reference to this part of beautiful Japanese history that has ever been referenced in any light novel before kappa
6 They’re adding very formal ways to end their sentences after their gal talk. Is pretty hard to put into English
7 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_North_Wind_and_the_Sun
8 A slightly altered quote from Oscar Wilde. The original goes: ‘Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing.’
CClaw Translations 