Hentai Ouji to Warawanai Neko. Volume 1 Chapter 1

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Disclaimer: Yes, we’re starting from v1. Reasons: Been a hot minute since the last chap, and TL’s English/Japanese can’t compare to previous tl so there will be mistakes in here.

Pervert and Stony Cat

Assuming there was a popularity contest about men’s favorite type of swimsuit for girls to wear, what do you think would be the top voted? Have you ever given thought concerning this endless debate from human history? Well I certainly have. Every single day. Naturally, the bikini must take the top spot, considering the amount of skin shown and how it clearly reveals the girl’s cleavage—Or so many people would think, I wager.

But hold your horses! There is another group of people who would stress that the pure fantasy caused by the one-piece swimsuit is the pinnacle of greatness. However, the endless debate goes much deeper than this. Because we cannot forget about competitive swimsuits, either.

That’s just plain and boring—To the people who would laugh when confronted by this third possibility, I would like you to take a moment to watch the activities of the girl’s swimming club. Once you do, you will surely understand that competitive swimsuits are a magical piece of art. However, I would like to remind you that I will not be held responsible for damage sustained to your life or reputation in case you decide to barge in on the girls’ club activities in order to study this magic. Please keep that in mind.

How else can we watch over the swimming club’s activities then, you ask?

What a simple question. The outside sports grounds of my school runs directly alongside the outdoor pool. Though some clever bastards built a hope-crushing concrete wall between the two, on the third day after I enrolled at this school, I managed to find a small opening in this concrete wall located in the corner of the sports grounds. It was at a perfect angle from the poolside, and this location was like an oasis for me, allowing me glimpses of heaven on the other side.

Of course, peeking is a crime. An indubitably shameless crime that should never be forgiven. But there are things in this world that I cannot influence! A higher force is driving me to do this!

Thus, I decided to join the track-and-field club. The club activities always happened in the proximity of that corner of the sports grounds, and was the closest club to my oasis. I could act tired while in the club, lean against the wall, stand in front of said wall like it was the most natural thing in the world, and just happen to catch glances here and there. A pure coincidence, I say.

An Irish perverted author I love and respect put it into words that I would like to quote here.

“I don’t regret for a single moment having lived for pleasure.”

I couldn’t have said it any better, myself! For the sake of my paradise, I can’t let the smallest chance slip. If there was but one miscalculation in my glorious plan, then it was the actual club activities of the track-and-field club. I really should have performed a deeper investigation before mindlessly joining it. Since the club is co-ed, I thought I could enjoy the sight of girls in sweaty trousers while bathing in the eternal glory that is my oasis. A flower in each hand, basically. When I think about it now, it was nothing more than a vain fantasy. My visions of a glorious track-and-field club died out along with any romantic feelings soon afterward.

The entire summer of my first year, I had absolutely no time to focus on swimsuits. Instead, I had to suffer through one of the many hells this world offers. Every single day, I’d train until I ended up like a dirty, ragged dust cloth, and fall asleep the second I came home. My only saving grace was the late-night idol swimsuit contests I recorded. But once I had come this far, I couldn’t stop.

That was because the track-and-field club was reigned over by the ‘Steel King’. “Who is this Steel King?” you might ask with a confused expression on your face. “Is she a relative of the King of Distortion¹, or a comrade of Andrew Carnegie?” Way off. I’d like you to imagine one of those demonic, strict army commanders you see in war movies. If one of them met her, they’d run away with their tail between their legs.

“Huh? What’re you looking at? Should I burn some willpower into that face of yours?”

Consider the scariest delinquent you might run into at the shopping district. If they once happened to meet the Steel King…

“Yes. I am fully prepared to lay down my life for you. I await your orders, my king.”

Is this a melodramatic extreme makeover TV show or something? What a heroic saga that brings to mind… But enough of the Steel King. I want to talk about swimsuits. I want to talk to all sorts of people in the world, discussing swimsuits. As long as I have swimsuits and water, I can survive.

To get back to my previous point, competitive swimsuits have a sort of magic cast on them. The time I realized that was when the seasons had repeated once, in the summer of my second year in high school, around the time when I had finally gotten used to the training at the track-and-field club. Though it pains me to say it, just when I arrived at this conclusion, my life was brought face to face with the greatest danger I had ever experienced.

On that day, right before I was going to run the 50m, I was spending my time performing my usual stretches. I was exercising my calves, to be precise. The opening in the concrete wall just happened to be in view, and I coincidentally could see the pool through that hole, but it was a mere accident. I couldn’t help it, right?

Since the time of year was around September, I was directly beneath the scorching sun. There was no breeze passing by, and the sun shone bright from the south. A heat haze was shimmering across the sports grounds, and I felt like I was being burnt alive. It was that sort of hellish weather. On days like these, the best plan is to stay at my oasis as long as possible.

Behind the wall was the poolside, one floor higher than the sports grounds. Inside the sparkling, splashing water were the club members, wearing their navy blue competitive swimsuits, burning with passion as they boldly revealed their bodies. While they were bending and stretching, the fabric was glued to their angelic bodies.

I see—The theory of swimsuits came to mind. The charm of competitive swimsuits… lies exactly in the compulsory nature of them. In other words, a youthful fetishism based in restraint and restriction. This plumpy, yet at the same time tight feeling they give off can be seen as the greatest—

“Hey, Yokodera. What are you doing?”

I thought my heart stopped. A moment later, my heartbeat was dangerously fast, and all the blood rushed to my head. It’s been around a year and four months since I joined the track-and-field club. I never thought this would be the day my oasis would be destroyed.

I turned around, slowly and carefully. To be honest, though, I would have been better off dying instead. Because the instant I saw that long, black hair, I knew it was over for me.

“S…Stee…Steel…!”

“Steel? I don’t get it. Speak your mind clearly.”

“S-Steel is formed when it’s hot, you could say… but that doesn’t mean that the same can be said about young girls… and I really can’t say that’s a good thing.”

“…What are you talking about? I wasn’t asking you for any idle talk. Yokodera, I hate the weak more than anything. But do you know what the next thing I hate right after that is?”

Imposing over me with her perfect monarchical stance, the club president of the track-and-field club—the Steel King—glared at me with a stern expression. Her facial features possessed brightness and sharpness, and she had her black hair bound up in her trademark ponytail. She had a frank and open-hearted atmosphere to her, overflowing with sportive charm. I couldn’t complain about the volume of her well-endowed chest either, and her slender legs extending down from her spats were a sight to behold as well. I wouldn’t find any reason to argue against putting her on the cover of a sports magazine, to be honest.

…If you were to fix that demonic glare of hers, that is. This was her usual expression. Whether it be her almond eyes, her thin, tightly closed lips… wherever you looked or searched, there would be no traces of a smile to be found. It was like she had removed every human emotion from herself except rage, which led her to have an expression as solid as steel. The nickname ‘Steel King’ came as a natural result of this pure sense of refined steel. Though I don’t know who came up with this nickname, I think that they were very wise.

“Yokodera? If you don’t understand, I don’t mind telling you directly.”

Since I kept quiet and didn’t utter a word, the club president decided to continue speaking with her deep, husky voice that sounded like it came from the pits of the underworld.

“It is those who betray my trust.”

“Um…well, I-I feel like there might be a small misunderstanding here…”

“There’s no misunderstanding here. Those who betray me await the fires of hell.”

Karate, judo, kendo, aikido², Shaolin kung fu, calligraphy, and calculating on an abacus… She’s the master of 20 steps 20 ranks, or so the rumor goes. But the truly fearful thing is the 20 ranks. One might draw the conclusion that calligraphy and calculating are weak practice, but the brush or abacus can still be used as a means of destroying the human body, so they still reach up to another ten ranks.

And now, as I show an action of weakness and betrayal at the same time—although I would like to emphasize that this was but a pure coincidence–since I was just accidentally taking a peek at the pool, what would happen to me now? The noble, pure-hearted king hates such perverted things the most. But today I forgot my spidey sense at home. At this rate, my HP is in severe danger. So what do I do—?

“Ahh! Club president! Look at that!”

“What is it?”

“A space whale flying through the pink sky! Gaahh, the world is going to end! I have to leave early now!”

“Nonsense, we aren’t done talking. That whale is…Hm? Where is it? To the east? Or the south? Huh?? …I can’t find it, but we should be fine leaving it to the earth defense force.”

Just when I turned to run towards the back gate, I felt myself being grabbed by the scruff of the neck, rendering my attempted escape a complete failure. As one would expect from the Steel King. It’s like she has eyes on the back of her head. Welp, this is where I die, I guess.

“I am still a man, so I won’t make any excuses. It was a sudden impulse. No, more of a coincidence. No, wait, that’s not it either. It was a sting operation laid out by the secret intelligence agency. I was lured into this trap!”

“What are you even talking about? Whether it be earth defense forces or secret intelligence agencies, put such heart-throbbing… er, unrealistic stories aside. Since you’re going to be the next club president, don’t betray my trust.”

“It’s the truth! I have never once in my life thought of peeking through… Wait, you’re saying I’m going to be the next club president?”

“…Peeking? What are you talking about?”

Both of us stared at each other in confusion as we simultaneously realized that we were talking past each other.

“Um… what are you talking about? Club president and all that?”

“I can see that you weren’t listening to what I was saying in the slightest. So what was that about peeking?”

“It’s just a thought experiment. What if all humans are just small beings inside a miniature garden, observed and peeked at by a multidimensional entity? Everyone is being observed, I say!”

“Multidimensional entity…? I don’t fully grasp what you’re saying, so give me an example with the track-and-field club.”

“It’s like the train conductor of the bullet train watching the athlete Carl Lewis have a contest against the bullet train inside said bullet train, and he smiles while watching?”

“I don’t get it one bit.”

“Me neither. That means we’re comrades! What an honor! By the way, the club president is the club president already, right? I’d like things to stay that way.”

The club president resolutely opened her mouth a small bit, letting out a displeased sigh. She was still keeping a death grip on my neck. I opted to employ the principles of passive resistance, just like Gandhi would.

Before I realized it, the other club members had already gathered around us, probably lured in by the club president’s speech. I was too busy with the concrete wall to pay them much mind.

“It cannot be helped. I will repeat myself.”

She dropped me in line next to the other club members, and I was finally released from her grip. Instead, her gaze kept me glued in place. This is how the track-and-field club operates. If you don’t get permission from the club president, you aren’t allowed to leave.

“Yokodera, I would like to emphasize this again. You are a truly wonderful human specimen.”

“…Is this irony, or some trick question? Did you know from the very beginning? Well, there was nothing you would know anyway, because I haven’t done anything of that sort!”

“Why are you acting shaken like this? Do you know what kind of time period we are in?”

“Eh? Around the time that the girls change into their lighter uniform?”

“Indeed…Wait, really? I’m not sure, but next week it’s going to be September. The very last summer for the third-years. Though there’s also the Inter-High to consider. I would like to decide on the next term’s system as quickly as possible.”

“Sounds tough~”

“Why are you acting like this isn’t related to you, future club president?”

The tip of her finger was illuminated by the sun, changing it into a light brown, and she pointed it directly—at me.

“…Huh?”

“Why are you looking behind you? I am praising you.”

Though her expression was still the same, full of anger, it sounded like she was praising me, if my listening skills were still working properly. This was the first time I had ever heard the Steel King giving words of praise towards another person. No, it was the first time ever in this entire world.

There were no cameras around. Nor were any club members holding placards of success. Every single one of them was just staring at me with expressions of confusion and disbelief. The word of the King is law in the track-and-field club, prioritized over everything. If she says something is white, even if it’s a crow, it’s white. If she says to run, then you’ll run even in the craziest downpour. She was always right, and even if she was proven to be wrong, justice would still be on her side.

So…who was she pointing at again?

“Um… what kind of trick is this…?”

“Since long ago, I always wanted the next student council president to be a perfect role model for the club members. Ever since you joined the club, Yokodera, you haven’t missed a single day of training. You’ve always prepared yourself completely for everything you do. At the same time, you’ve shown remarkable progress. You indeed are the most valuable asset of this club.”

“Y-You don’t have to go that far!”

“Naturally, there is this habit of selfish behavior from a while ago that offers room for improvement. But you have all the right to be boastful. There is no man who loves track and field more than you do, Yokodera. The other men should take note of your example, and I hope they awaken as proper club members of the track-and-field club.” With a majestic and proud appearance, the club president’s ponytail swayed as she gave me words of encouragement.

From the sounds of it, she hasn’t found out about the secret of the wall. But, the situation isn’t quite safe just yet. The club members are still gathered around me, giving me glares of resentment. I could feel their resentment punching me straight in the gut. Do I have to suffer through both Steel King’s expectations, and you guys’ disparagement as well? Give me a break. Don’t get on your high horses just because it’s me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I am indeed a passionate track-and-field club member. I chose not to lose against the spartan, hellish training, I took the initiative to get better, and I even worked on steadily decreasing the time it took me to run 50 meters. Of course, the reason for this is a given and needs no mentioning… Swimsuits. The difference between heaven and hell is paper thin as they say, and the wall is there for me to put my hand on during my stretches. The faster I made it to the goal when running with everyone, the longer I could relax next to the wall.

That being said, becoming the next club president? I can’t even joke about something like that. Even if I tried really hard, I wouldn’t be serious about it, and I’d feel bad for all the club members that were striving to get better.

“Club president! I am truly thankful that you feel that way!”

“Huh?”

“It’s not about me liking or hating track-and-field.”

“Hm.”

“The reason for me joining the track-and-field club was… a bit of a different one…”

“Don’t hold back; speak your mind. Freedom of speech is a right to be respected.”

Steel King started acting irritated as she kicked the ground. The emotion she was emitting was the exact opposite of understanding. I could feel the pressure to shut up.

‘Freedom of speech is to be respected, but not anything that comes after that.’

That’s probably what she truly meant to say. The magic of words sure is a fearful thing.

“Now say it. I’m listening.”

‘Only listening, that is’. (Her inner voice)

I couldn’t even hope to escape the well of bloodlust in that stern gaze of hers. The pressure emitting from her slowly crept up to me, restraining my entire body. Who could hope to rebel against the King in front of her? If she became serious, nobody would be able to stop her… However, I need to tell her the truth. If I don’t, I’ll definitely regret it for the rest of my life.

“How do I say it? It is indeed hard to say out loud, but if I were to try my hardest, then…”

“I’m not putting up with this! Spit it out already!”

“I was born to become your successor, club president! Being allowed to continue your work is the greatest treasure this world has bestowed upon me! I will gladly accept it!”

“Very well! I knew you would say that, Yokodera! Don’t betray my trust.”

“…Ah.” I frantically tried covering my mouth, but the damage had already been done.

The club president drew in her chin with satisfaction. There’s no doubt about it. She’s going to put me through even harsher training from now on. She’s going to try to make me her ideal of a ‘worthy club president’ before she retires and joins a cloyster. At the same time, I could almost feel the other club members inaudibly sighing. I mean, even I want to sigh at this situation. The future in front of me was a long, ashen-grey road, surrounded by walls of steel. Short, thick shadows crawling along the ground slowly widened up, swallowing my entire world.

I’m totally done for, I thought.

I’m the type of person who often gets misunderstood. It’s always been like this.

Back in grade school, I wondered if I might be able to see reflections from the floor up a girl’s skirt if the floor was sparkly clean, so I dedicated my time to wipe every single floor of the school building perfectly clean, from every single angle.

‘From class 5A, Yokodera Youto-kun has been cleaning the school buildings day in and out…’ I was commended by the principal in front of the student body.

But I would much rather have had a girl praise me like this.

I considered that I could get a peek up a girl’s skirt if they had to jump over an obstacle on their way to school, so I tried my hardest to get the grass around town to grow.

‘After loving nature for the past three years, this middle-school student has turned the bleak path to school into a path of flowers…’ was the response I got.

I was interviewed by a local TV news anchor. But I would really have loved to see the flowers on panties instead.

I thought that I might get a glance inside a girl’s skirt thanks to the strong breeze of a passing bicycle, so I furiously pedaled my bicycle from morning to evening as I rode along the streets.

‘An admirable high school student manages to catch a purse snatcher in a do-or-die race! The police are grateful—’ et cetera.

I ended up in the national newspaper. If possible, I would have loved to catch the heart of a girl instead. Since I’m all talk, I ended up putting on a facade and played along. From my time as a grade school student all the way until I entered high school, I haven’t grown at all. On the contrary, because of my desire to see swimsuits, and strove towards that goal every day, I only ended up with more things to worry about.

I ended up being able to roughly guess a girl’s three sizes just from seeing her in a swimsuit. Yet now I’m being praised as a wonderful human being! It’s completely embarrassing. I just want to be seen for who I am!

No, that’s putting it in bad terms. To be completely honest, I want to be free. I want to think about girls even more. I want to see girls in all sorts of situations. I want to get along with girls. Especially with everything inside that skirt.

That’s why becoming the next club president of the track-and-field club is out of question. As long as this club is ruled by the Steel King, completely devoid of any love, my future in that club is too dark. I want to give up on club activities and experience things like “So this is Senpai’s classroom. It’s the exact same classroom, but it feels slightly different. That reminds me, it’s just the two of us here, how about we close the door? Hehe~”, something like an after-school rendezvous.

If that isn’t allowed, then I want to have encounters with a cute girl going like “So you forgot your jersey, huh? Really, you’re hopeless. I’ll let you borrow mine, but since I only have one, we’d have to share it, fufu,” you know! And if that’s no good either, then at least… at least choose a proper human being to be the next club president.

…In the end, I should have just declined.

I’ve been like this all my life. I should just say what I really feel, but my facade always steps in and prevents it. Why can’t I say the truth when it’s during such an important time, about something so precious to me? My true feelings never reach anyone, and I ramble on about something superficial instead.

I’m on my way home from school. The summer day is still far from over, and shadowy figures are walking along the asphalt street. Not feeling up to going home right away, I passed by a children’s park. When I stepped off of my bicycle, the person sitting on the pench clapped his hands at me.

“I’ve heard it already, you lady-killer! Aren’t you being treated quite well? I’m so jealous of you, you bastard!”

“What are you on about?”

“Don’t play dumb now. You’re the next club president, chosen directly by the Steel King!”

The one mocking me boisterously is someone I’ve had an undesirable, yet inseparable relationship with ever since grade school: Ponta. His nickname started out as ‘ero’ as in ‘erotiscm,’ then went from that to ‘Eroponchi’ to ‘Ponchi’ to just ‘Ponta.’ He is a courageous person whose nickname has deep roots in the erotic world, and has lived through many changes. He’s that kind of idiot who never brings anything meaningful to the conversation. There was even a point when he added ‘ero’ to the end of every sentence.

Thanks to me joining the club relatively soon after I started attending high school, the time I ended up coming home from school varied greatly, but this park is about the center point between our two houses, so we ended up meeting here frequently.

“It’s not all that great, you know. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.”

“You’re saying that after being selected by your beautiful Senpai? You’ll eat karma for that really soon.”

“Think about it. Even if she’s pretty, she’s still the Steel King. Nothing changes that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Even if you ignore the Steel part, normally you’d call her something like the “Steel Beauty” or the “Steel Princess,” right?” I sat down on the rim of the jungle gym.

After thinking for a moment, Ponta gave a bitter smile.

“…I see. The fact that she’s called ‘King’ already throws out the fact that she’s a girl. It gives off this cool vibe of ‘You’re all being too liberal with your money!’, doesn’t it?”

“That cool vibe is nothing but a bother…”

Even I got my hopes up in the beginning. She’s a big name in the pretty girls in the upper classes, she’s able to hold her ground against basically everyone, and of course I could imagine what she would do inside that futon. But those expectations were blown away like fleeting evening dew. Those Don Quixote guys who tried to woo the king were all blown away with a single punch. The Steel King never showed any appreciation towards love or any sort of playing around. All she was focused on was training. She even enforced that mentality on the other club members. That was why no romantic stories whatsoever came from the track-and-field club.

Even though she’s a beauty above beauties, she’s like an iron wall with no entrance at all. In game terms, she’d be the character that nobody could conquer.

“Well, that sounds just fine to me. How about betting on a blooming youth by being a star of the track-and-field club?”

“I would have loved to hear these words ten years ago. There’s no way I could achieve something like that.”

“What are you saying, my dear rabbit? There’s no ‘too late’ in life. Become the rising star of the track-and-field club now!”

“That’s not like you, Ponta. Were you always this supportive? Then again, this behavior isn’t like me either.”

He sounded awfully passionate. Maybe he had gotten absorbed with one of those sorts of videos. Becoming a coach and then doing this and that with a beautiful female athlete. That sort of thing.

“Hee hee hee, don’t underestimate me. I wouldn’t be as sweet as yōkan³ if I were you.”

“What are you on about?”

“I’ve already escaped from the world of erotiscm.”

“Yeah, yeah, and I’ve escaped the cycle of reincarnation.”

“You’re not believing me one bit, are you?! Just take a look at this. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Ponta unzipped the bag next to him, and pulled out a bunch of stuff. I had been wondering why it looked so stuffed. It looks like he had books and videos in there… Hmm???

“T-That’s…! ‘The complete encyclopedia of Princess Geishun’s adventures doing this and that’! And this is ‘The legendary thighs expedition party that cured me forever’! A street corner swimsuit selection that was so exotic that sales of it were banned! You’ve always treasured these dearly. Did anything happen?!”

“They’ve become useless to me, so I’m selling them all to you.”

“Ehhh?”

I couldn’t help but stare at Ponta in disbelief. His super serious expression sure made it look like he wasn’t joking. Impossible. Back when I had gone to Ponta’s house before, he punched me when I pretended to spill some juice on his photo collection as a joke. Like, seriously. He punched me in the gut with blood-shot eyes.

I knew that, but couldn’t help but drool a bit anyway. How much is he going to ask of me? How can I make enough money for it? I think you can live with just one kidney, right?

“Hey, lady-killer. Do you know that the children in Africa have to sell their organs so that they can survive?”

“…Y-Yeah?”

“As a fellow human, living on this earth, I can’t stand that. But my savings are already gone. I’m taking in favors from friends, and I was wondering if you could buy these off of me for 100 yen. For 100 yen, kids over there cand drink 40 litres of water.”

“100? Eh? 100 yen?”

Ponta nodded with a deeply benevolent expression, looking like a buddha who had reached enlightenment. I had actually just been thinking of selling some of my organs instead, so the stark contrast between what I expected and what he said is hurting my brain. I mean, it’s praiseworthy. It really is. I was expecting him to say something to the effect of how he had gotten excited at the sight of the big-breasted girls over in Africa, but that wasn’t it. He seriously doesn’t need all of these treasured goods of his?

“……The armpit at 30°.”

“Huh?”

“The collarbone is barely hidden by the t-shirt.”

“Nope.”

“The belly button is surrounded by soft skin.”

“Nothing happening.”

“No reaction to the female body’s three greatest hollows you previously talked about all night! Are you sick, Ponta?!”

“I have awakened to the meaning of why I was born into this world. The clouds have vanished, the birds are chirping, and the flowers are blooming. There are more important treasures in this world to protect than pictures of a woman’s body.”

“W-What happened to you…?”

“I’ve received the Gospel, I guess?”

His eyes overflowing with a translucent gaze looked over at the western sky, as if he was yearning for Gandhara. I wonder if modern medicine would be enough to save him… So I thought, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. Ponta suddenly laughed.

“Don’t look at me like that. The ‘Gospel’ part might have just been a misunderstanding—By the way, do you know about the hill with the single tree, where the cat shrine is?”

“…You mean the statue of the stony cat?”

Forcing myself to nod amidst my confusion and inner turmoil, I looked over to the West. Past the peak of the park’s jungle gym, past the roofs of the houses around us, a hill entered our field of view. There was a beautiful grassy knoll on top, and a single, old tree stood tall at the peak. At the base of this giant tree tree was a shrine of a wooden cat. Nobody knew if it was a real shrine to a real god, or just someone’s idea of a joke. This shrine was known as the ‘Stony Cat’. The fact that this cat looked like she was beckoning you over helped to add a taste of the bizarre to the whole thing, making it a rather popular spot for people to visit.

“Then have you heard about the rumor about the cat’s offering and its supernatural power?”

“Offering and… What was that?”

“Well if you don’t know, then let me tell you. It happened to the young man during the third month of this year! His age was 16, and he was handsome. He was an admirable young man who endured the oppression of the evil adults. Be that as it may, the hardships in this world are strong, and he was forced to listen to accusations of his classical literature teacher that he couldn’t pass the final end-of-term exam and whatever!”

“…This story is about you, right? Aren’t you embarrassed to say that about yourself? Also, you never studied for that test, so you totally deserved to flunk it.”

“Oi, people are talking about their feelings, so don’t butt in! I copied all of your answers during the test, alright? My preparations for the exam should have been perfect, but my answer sheet just vanished. Anyway, I had to wait a week to take the supplementary exam. When I read carefully into Hikari Genji⁴, all I could figure out is that he’s a mothercon or lolicon or whatever. No matter how much I studied the workbook, even if I read a list of attributes about that yandere tsundere wife, young lady, and the rural girl, how would I understand the grammar of all that? That writing is just so erotic. Everything is just worldly desires, driven by just lust and all…” Ponta stood up from the bench, declaring whatever he was trying to say into the empty sky.

That made me feel relieved. Ponta hadn’t changed. That’s fine, then. I gave him the 100 yen coin and put the treasured goods into my own bag.

“That’s where I heard the rumor of the cat statue. If you give it something as an offering, something you don’t need, it gives it to someone else! It’s the exact opposite of a normal beckoning cat. If there’s a cat that accepts things, then there’s another one that delivers it. And speaking of things I don’t need, I definitely don’t need my worldly desires. That’s when I started thinking. A representation of my worldly desires was of course that. You remember it, right? My hugging pillow. When I threw that at the feet of the stony cat, it happened. My desires disappeared, and I could focus on my studies like a model student. Fast forward to today, and I’ve passed the supplementary exam. All the way up to today, I’ve felt so refreshed without my desires! The world looks so beautiful now!”

“And that’s a happy end. Anyway, I’ll be going home now before you change your mind. Thanks a bunch!”

“Oiiii! At least let me thank you! I’ll definitely repay this debt one day…!”

I leaned on my bike pedals, distancing myself from the park. Ponta apparently was calling out to me, saying something as I left, but I couldn’t really make it out. Instead, I was focused on my bag shaking abound inside the basket. I never thought that Ponta would give away such treasured goods because of a short-lived period as a wiser man. This treasure now belongs to me, no matter what anyone says.

*

“…He’s not calling.”

After I finished dinner, I watched some TV, took a bath, and appreciated the treasure for one hour. Even though outside was already shrouded in the dark of night, my phone didn’t vibrate at all. I had been totally expecting Ponta to give me a call, begging me to return the goods once he calmed down. He must have been crazy to sell me such humanity-defining greatness for a mere 100 yen. Though he’s a brave man, he ain’t that brave. Or was Ponta a woman all along? A descriptive trick! Maybe nobody desires his love and this is a result. Okay, nevermind, I definitely won’t accept a development like that.

—But then the question is: Where did Ponta’s desires vanish off to?

His supplementary exam for classical literature had happened four months ago. He should have had enough time to calm down since then. And yet he didn’t once have the desire to use this treasure? Where did my friend Ponta go, who would debate with me about how fast you had to drive on a highway so that the wind on your hand out the window felt like breasts? This certainly can’t be the work of an ordinary human.

I looked outside my window, searching for the lone hill outside. Since all of its surroundings were illuminated by human civilization, it stood out as a black patch in the city lights. I remember how he passionately talked about the rumor of the Stony Cat.

‘If you give it something as an offering, it takes something you don’t need from you and gives it to someone else.’

I audibly gulped.

If there is something I don’t need—then it’s my facade. What do you mean ‘It’d be an honor for me to become the next club president’, huh? I just made something up on the spot like I always do. ‘You’re just brewing tea in a navel like a moron’ is what Ponta would say. The best part about Ponta is his honesty. If he hates something, he’ll say so outright. If there’s something he likes, he’ll say that as well. I’m the complete opposite.

Because of this facade I have, I can’t speak my mind freely, and it doesn’t allow me to love how I want to. If I could have the courage to not lose against Steel King’s pressure, if I could state my true feelings, I could approach the world of swimsuits even closer.

“Wishing doesn’t cost me anything, right?”

A drowning man will clutch at any straw presented to him. I’m drowning in the problems caused by my facade. I know that this suffering is the hell of my own making, so you don’t have to remind me. But why don’t I just consult the Stony Cat about it? With that thought in mind, I headed towards the lonely hill. My destination was the cat statue.

I parked my bike and snuck through an opening in the fence. Apparently, this hill was private property, and so it was surrounded by a wire fence. But, from the looks of it, nobody was really supervising it. The grass was growing without anyone mowing it, the ground itself was mostly unattended to, and the wire fence was close to breaking down. I’ve even heard that kids played here frequently, and there were no repercussions.

Relying on the light of my pocket flashlight, I carried the folded hugging pillow on my back and started walking up the small path. After around ten minutes, I finally made it to the summit of the small hill. An old Japanese cedar tree stood there, the wide tree trunk visible in the darkness. At the base of it stood the Stony Cat.

Its face reached up to about my knees. The wood had carvings in it, making eyes, whiskers, and even a nose, and yet it didn’t have any expressions on its face. On top of that, unlike normal beckoning cats, which had one hand raised in a fist, both of its hands were in that state, and the backs of its paws were turned towards me. The person who made it must have been some kind of idiot.

It gave off a weird, uncomfortable vibe. As if it couldn’t tell if it was dignified or if it wanted to be condescending. I don’t know when it had been enshrined here, but I couldn’t believe someone would just take it away from here without any good reason. Of course something like this would end up causing weird rumors like that.

Since the insects were starting to swarm me, I turned off my flashlight. Immediately I was surrounded by darkness. I put down the hugging pillow in front of the cat, and almost started forming my wish, but there was something I had to do before that.

“Hmm…I wonder if this will be fine…”

I took off the leather belt from around the hugging pillow and puffed it back out to its original state. Back during my youthful days, Ponta and I had ordered this together. I even gave it a proper name, calling it ‘Barbara-san.’ Although the design on it was supposed to be a picture of an idol I liked back then, when it was delivered, it looked more like a creature from a faraway galaxy. We didn’t have the foresight to return it, nor did either of us have the will to throw it away, so Ponta and I kept trying to foist it off on each other. It’s like a game of hot potato that’s lasted for a few months now.

Recently, I stuffed it into Ponta’s locker at school as a present for managing to enroll, only for it to appear inside my closet this March. Speaking of March, that’s around the time Ponta prayed to the cat statue, isn’t it? He said he used it as an offering, but he was probably too scared to leave it out here, and had snuck in and stuffed it into my closet afterwards. Barbara-san must feel doubly honored for me to use her as an offering as well.

“I wonder if there’s any god out there who’d be happy to receive a hugging pillow as an offering…”

That being said, it did grant Ponta’s wish, and I can’t think of any other offering to give. I’m really glad it’s in the middle of the night. If I were spotted by someone while walking around with Barbara-san, I don’t even want to think about the horrible rumours that would result—

Just then, I heard the sound of something rustling behind me. I immediately stopped breathing. Who is it? The police? I’ll definitely be arrested as some suspicious guy who’s running around at night with a hugging pillow and a belt! Then they’ll invade my room and sniff out my treasure, confiscating that! I’d honestly rather die at that point.

And, though it is highly unlikely, what if it’s the Steel King? She’d immediately be enraged, saying something like ‘A hugging pillow is a sign of weakness! How audacious!’ She’d definitely lecture me until I passed out. Sadly, I don’t have any fetish for things like that.

It’d be the same if it was someone from my neighbourhood or school. I don’t want to be labeled as a weirdo, or given some weird nickname. I don’t want to die either physically or mentally. What should I do? What can I do?

As I was busy organizing my thoughts, the footsteps gently made their way through the grass, approaching me. They showed no signs of stopping or turning around. It became painfully obvious that this person was heading towards this hill as well. The light from their flashlight was shaking back and forth, until it came right up to me.

How many meters were between us? Gaahh, I don’t care who it is! The smartest thing to do here is to retreat!

“Waaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Kyaaaaaaaaaa!”

The second I jumped up, I bumped into that person. Apparently, they had been closer than I previously assumed. The darkness around us probably caused me to misjudge the distance. Ehehe, oopsy daisy. Well, acting like a clumsy girl won’t save me now.

“Hya… eh… no… pe… perv…!”

“W-What is going on?!”

Someone screamed. Then I screamed. The flashlight fell to the ground. It illuminated the offering. Because of the flickering flashlight, Barbara-san looked like something weird. Something that shouldn’t be seen. Wait, what does it look like…?

The answer: It looked like a naked body that looked like it had been played around with, deserted, and left behind!

“It’s a pervert! Police or ambulance?! Probably the police!”

“T-The police don’t have anything to do with this! Barbara-san isn’t alive in the first place!”

“I am actually fairly close with them! I just remembered some business at the phone box, so I’ll be making my way there!”

I haven’t heard the voice of this girl before. That being said, her voice is obviously distorted in fear, as if she’s being confronted by a pervert.

“Wait wait wait, before you do any of that, can we have a short talk? I feel like there’s a misunderstanding in there somewhere!”

“There is no misunderstanding nor any kind of understanding! I didn’t see anything! I’ll just say that I didn’t see anything!”

“Then why are you going to the police box?! I feel like what you’re going to say you saw will change relatively quickly?!”

“Of course! The police officers in Japan are my allies! The police officers are strong! Perverts like you can’t defeat them!” The girl’s screams grew louder and louder.

I could feel the handcuffs wrapping around me and the jail bars closing in front of me. If I were to let her leave now, my HP would fall to a critical level. Just when the girl turned to leave, I grabbed her arm. Silence followed, and a deadlock ensued, a dangerous balance. Like a cat and mouse, each of us observed the other party. But that tension broke down relatively quickly.

“Don’t wanna, don’t wanna, don’t wanna! I don’t wanna do it if there’s no love!”

“What exactly are you referring to?! If you keep quiet, I’ll do it gently! And then everyone can be happy!”

“Gentle or rough, I don’t wanna! I definitely won’t be happy!”

“Calm down! Just calm down, okay?!”

The girl resisted as much as she could, trying to break free, but I pulled her closer, covering her with my body. She was clearly desperate. And so was I. Desperate actions were followed by more desperate actions, and our legs entangled, forcing us both down to the grass. We rolled around, ending up practically glued to each other. I could feel the sensation of skin on my kneecap. It briefly ran across my mind that girls really were soft, but this was a situation where I definitely shouldn’t think that. It would really make me seem like the pervert in this situation, and I could feel a line that I shouldn’t cross coming up right in front of me.

“I’m not delicious at all, okay! I’m thin, flat, and I am fairly confident that I would taste awful! Please, I’d bet my life on it!”

“Don’t bet your life on something so sad! Treasure yourself a bit more!”

“If it’s for my body, I would bet my life, heart, and everything! When we were measured, I was the flattest girl in class! I’ll definitely become more delicious in two years, so until then… I want to go with a beautiful body at least…!”

Suddenly, the girl stopped struggling. Though my vision was blocked by the curtain of night, I noticed something thanks to her voice. The girl was crying. Tears were running down her face, snot was filling her nose, and her body was shaking too much to push me away. Thanks to that, I managed to calm down a bit, and it felt like my head had been hit with a hammer.

Of course, becoming a criminal wasn’t an option, but I had to stand by my policies. A man who makes a girl cry is the lowest type of scum. No matter what motive I might have had, that was not something I could ignore. I grabbed the girl’s shoulder. And then I took a deep breath.

“Please listen to me! Barbara-san is just a hugging pillow!”

Her slender shoulders tensed inside my arms. I felt like she was as fragile as glass, like I had to touch her carefully.

“She’s not a person, but just an item from my collection. I’m totally innocent, and you’re not in any sort of danger! I have never even pushed down a girl like this! My body is still pure in that regard!” I screamed loud enough to fill the surroundings.

Ignoring my facade and dignity, I let my voice roar as loud as I could. I picked the flashlight up, and illuminated the hugging pillow fully. The ring of light showed the lump of cloth, the symbol of carnal desires of a young man. The silhouette had clear outlines. At the end of a rather long silence—

“…Then this was the first time I was pushed down, it seems. If you are that pure and safe, then maybe you could get off me now?”

The voice I received was overflowing with suspicion. Then again, I was glad that she stopped crying. Just as a secret between the two of us, whenever there’s those forced ‘videos’ with a girl crying, I can’t get aroused at all. That’s just my policy. That really helps whenever I’m online choosing videos to download!

It was a humid night. The scent coming from the grass was making it harder to breathe. The moon was hidden by a group of clouds, so the two of us had to rely on our flashlights. We used these to find our way to the base of the tree and sat down. Between us was a distance of a solid two meters.

“…Anyway. I was thinking of asking the cat statue to take my facade.”

In an effort to help the girl believe me, and as an explanation for why I had been carrying the hugging pillow around this late at night, I revealed everything to her. The girl was carrying a paper bag of her own and gazing down at the ground. Her appearance and body were awfully small. When it came to height, she seemed to be about as tall as a grade school student. Though I couldn’t get a proper look at her face, she definitely looked cute. For some reason, I felt like we’d met before.

“Ah, I didn’t make up that rumor about the offering, okay? My friend actually tried it.”

“It’s fine. I heard about it myself. It seems as if it’s been making rounds. Though I didn’t exactly believe in it.”

After growing quiet for a moment, the girl turned towards me.

“Is that club president really that scary?”

“I think even a bulldozer injected with steroids wouldn’t be any scarier.”

“A bulldozer?”

Something about that comparison seemed to have tickled her humor, and she let out a giggle. Though she still seemed a bit uncomfortable, her voice was a beautiful soprano, enough to make a bell shake. It looked like she rubbed the area around her eyes, though it was too dark for me to tell for certain. After that, she opened her plastic bag. She held out her hand, found herself unable to reach me, and scooted closer to hand me the object.

“This is… a steamed bun?”

“Yes. Though it’s gotten cold now. Please take one.”

“Thanks.”

Both the girl and I grew silent for a moment, with around one meter between us, munching on the steamed buns. Though they really were a bit cold, it was a perfect snack. It turns out she’s a sensible girl. I really wanted to ask why she was carrying steamed buns around late at night like this, but I couldn’t. If I pestered her like an idiot, it’d probably make me seem like a weirdo after all. Everyone likes to take walks at night. Even I do. Especially when online shopping doesn’t cut it.

After finishing her steamed bun faster than I, the girl turned towards me.

“According to my family’s tradition, if a man humiliates you once, he’s forced to take a lifetime of responsibility. So you’d better prepare yourself.”

“Eh?”

“…That was a joke. You don’t have to make it sound like it’s such a pain though…” A saddened sigh escaped into the darkness.

“You’re wrong! That was just my facade! My facade wouldn’t allow my dignity to be hurt! I’m actually really happy! A facade is a totally worthless thing in this world!”

After I babbled some semblance of a response, the girl seemed to be satisfied, and she let out another sigh.

“…Is a facade really that bad of a thing…?”

“At least for me. Just earlier, if I could have just said ‘This is a hugging pillow, so please keep it a secret’, things wouldn’t have turned out as bothersome as they did.”

“Bothersome…?”

“Ah, by bothersome, I was talking about doing something cruel to you like that!”

“It’s fine. I’m just a crybaby, after all.” She softly muttered.

The atmosphere made it seem like she would start crying again.

“I think there’s good and bad crybabys out there!”

“What kind am I then?”

“Eh? U-Um… I don’t think we should distinguish between black and white…”

“If you’re trying to comfort me, at least stick to your guns about it!” The girl said in a sulking manner.

I could tell without needing to see her face. She was probably pouting. As it turns out, her range of emotions and expressions is quite broad. I let out a faint giggle, and the girl joined in. Though I don’t have a little sister, if I had one, it would be nice if she was something like this.

“I want to act more like a grown-up. I want to be able to hide my true feelings instead of crying and getting angry immediately.”

“I think that girls who have more open emotions are cute, though.”

“That’s not true! I don’t want to stay like a small child… Oh right, the offering. Won’t you do it with me?”

“Ohh, I nearly forgot.”

After stuffing the rest of the steamed bun into my mouth, I turned to face the cat statue. I kneeled on the ground and lowered my head. The girl next to me took the same pose. Though I didn’t know how to pray properly, I gave up on thinking about it and formed it the simplest way I could. Kind of like how I wished to get into closer contact with girls’ swimsuits and skirts back at my first shrine visit of the year.

“Umm… I wish that I could lose my facade that causes me to be unable to tell the truth without covering things up.”

“I wish that I could be able to hide my feelings and not show them as openly anymore.”

They were wishes we didn’t really think through. They were like something you would read on one of those long, narrow cards where kids write their wishes during the Tanabata festival. There was no deeper meaning to it.

The wind started to blow more intensely. In the darkness, the Stony Cat suddenly looked like it had grown in size, though it was most likely some sort of optical illusion. A feeling of pressure washed over me, and the center of my mind started to burn hot. This heat ran down my throat and eventually vanished again. For a reason unbeknownst to me, before I realized it, I had become sweaty all over.

“…Oh? How many steamed buns of mine did you eat?”

As if she felt the exact opposite of my unrest, the girl spoke up calmly. It was like we were at a haunted house for our first date, but the boyfriend was the one being scared. How embarrassing.

“I only ate the one you gave me.”

“But there’s one more missing.”

“Maybe you just ate it yourself? You wolfed down three while I was busy eating one. I’d be careful if I were you or you might get fat! Anyway, it’s pretty late now, so let’s go home. I’ll walk you to your house if you want.”

“I’m not that starving or anything. How rude. I won’t get fat like that. And my home is pretty close to here, so it’s fine. Hmpf…” As if the girl had something to prove, she started walking forwards.

I was going to join her, when—

“…Huh?”

My gaze dropped down to Barbara-san. The illustration on it was as horrifying as always, but the belt that I had wrapped around it was gone. My surroundings were pitch black, and I couldn’t find it no matter where I looked.

“You’re telling me that I have to carry this home out in the open like that! Although I’m the one who put myself into this embarrassing situation, what kind of harsh punishment is this…?”

When I realized that I had no way to fasten Barbara-san while biking home, I let out a defeated sigh.

Thinking back to it, I was way too carefree. Even though we had prayed to the Stony Cat, we had underestimated its power, and this forced us into an irreversible situation.

---

1 Reference to Boogiepop wa Warawanai

2 Japanese martial art developed by Morihei Ueshiba as a synthesis of his martial studies, philosophy, and religious beliefs

3 jellied dessert made from red bean paste, agar, and sugar

4 Protagonist of Murasaki Shikibu’s ‘Genji Monogatari’