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A Butler Came To My Home
The first day of May, a day probably everybody knows about—Golden Week. Indeed, today, the 1st of May, is right in the middle of Golden Week. Thinking about it, the first half of the holidays feels so much in the distant past now, but I’ll avert my eyes from this depressing reality.
After all—everything starts now. My Golden Week starts today. It’s definitely not a belated start. As proof for this, my tension was as high as if this was the last day of the Awa Odori festival in Tokushima. As a matter of fact, I haven’t even slept a wink since last night. My inner engine was revving up to the point where my body couldn’t keep up.
Calmly, I observed the clock in my room. The time of day was half past 8am. Soon it would happen—She would come over. Calmly as ever, but with the posture of a short-distance runner waiting for the pistol shot, I sat in my bed. We all know the established morning practice of the Sakamachi Family. The human-shaped alarm clock that would come in like a storm would soon pull open the curtains on this radiating, golden-colored week of mine…!
“Gud mooooorninguuu, Nii-san!”
Together with an energetic voice, the door to my room opened at a speed that made me worried that she may have destroyed it. Standing in the doorframe was a cheerful girl with dazzling short hair, wearing stylish black sportswear. She possessed a small physique resembling a tiny animal, but large eyes despite that, and a smile strong enough to illuminate the night sky—Sakamachi Kureha. Yet again, perfectly on time, my little sister arrived.
“Daryaaaa!”
She let out an excited voice, and dashed towards my learning desk in the room. She used that as a stepping stool, and…landed a backflip!?
“…!”
In the world of pro-wrestling, this was the initiation of a beautiful technique known by everybody. After jumping into the air, you turn 270° backwards. Her body barely touched the ceiling, as she drew a beautiful arc. And then, she screamed—mid-air, of course.
“The parabola her posture of a crescent moon drew was the bridge to glory!”
No, that most definitely ain’t wrestling. Also, why does her choice of words sound so old-fashioned? My inner retort was met with silence, and at the same time as her body overlapped with mine, looking like an X in mid-air—
“Gueh!?”
I was hit by a moonsault press, also known as a getsumen suiboku. Her slender body rammed right into my abdomen, without the smallest error.
“Yaaay! Morning, Nii-san!”
“M-Morning, Kureha…”
I somehow managed to keep my breathing under control, giving back a somewhat calm greeting to my little sister…Well, you know. It might be a shock, but this indeed is my usual daily life. As I was born into a family of pro-wrestling skill maniacs, lead by my mother, I’ve been used as their training tool and punching bag for the past ten years and more.
What is most problematic is that she had absolutely no bad intent about this. You know what I mean, right? Look at an animal trainer at an aquarium, suffering an injury because an orca was just playful and clinging to them. Basically, this is the exact same. Taking this example, the battle strength of me and Kureha is pretty much the same between a human and an orca. To her, she’s just enjoying her days with her older brother, but to me it’s pretty much a battle to the death every single day.
As a result of this, whenever my little sister would appear, my oasis and sleeping place turned into a blood-drenched wrestling ring, which is closely related to my disposition—Gynophobia.
Ever since I was five years old, I was treated as a punching bag by my mother and little sister, which was too much for the young me, so I ended up becoming unable to deal with just being touched by another girl. Putting it down simply, despite not even feeling excited about touching or being touched by a girl, my nose would start bleeding. My body would just react on its own.
And of course, this wasn’t the end of my torture. From here on out—I’ll be the one trained by my little sister until even the blood running down my nose will have dried up fully…!
“Ehehe, Nii-san~”
However, today, my little sister was different from usual. Normally, she’d move on right to the next pro-wrestling skill, but she instead tightly clung to my body…
“…H-Hey, Kureha?”
This being completely against anything I had experienced before, I couldn’t relax at all. However, no response came, and only silence followed. Her small arms wrapped around my waist, as she simply leaned against me. If anything, like a small cat, she rubbed her cheeks against my chest.
“……”
This is bad. Seriously, I’d probably be more at ease if she just woke me up like she usually would…This is removing my sleepiness in a different way. Her body was barely weighing anything, as it leaned against me. Something soft and spongey pressed onto me, with the sweet aroma of shampoo reaching my nose. Although she’s my little sister, she also undoubtedly is a girl.
That’s why—this is dangerous. I felt shivers on my skin, and my nose was growing hot. No doubt, the symptoms of my gynophobia were activating. At this rate, I’ll get a nosebleed again, and faint—
“…Mm, I guess this should be enough.” Right as my consciousness was getting dangerously close to cutting out, Kureha jumped off the bed. “Thanks, Nii-san.”
“…What was that about?” I was trying hard to get my breathing back under control, as I asked her.
That was mighty dangerous. Two seconds more of that, and I probably would have passed out. Listening to my question, Kureha slightly tilted her head.
“Um…Put simply, I was charging?”
“Charging?”
“Yup. I won’t be able to see you for a while, so that I don’t end up lonely, I was recharging my Nii-san Energy with a long hug.”
“Nii-san Energy…”
“Nyahaha. Thanks for the food. Now I’m fully charged. With this, I can reach even the limits of our galaxy!”
“………”
Doing something embarrassing like that…Are you some space battleship?
“And…What do you think, Nii-san? Does this jersey look good?” Kureha showed off her clothes, as she twirled on the spot.
It was a new sports wear I hadn’t seen on her before. If you ask me, it looks like a jersey belonging to some sports club at a school. If you ignored the imprint on her back, saying ‘Rouran Academy Handicrafts Club’, that is. When I asked her why she was wearing this at such a time this early in the morning, she told me that the handicrafts club would go on a 3 days 2 nights training camp in the mountains.
I mean, I was wondering why a handicrafts club would need a jersey, but there were so many points to retort on, I ignored most of it—except the part of the training camp. Not to mention for three days and two nights. That would mean Kureha won’t be home at this time…In other words…
“…Eh? N-Nii-san, are you…crying?”
“A-Ah…well…I was just…overcome with emotion for a second…” I said, and took off my glasses in order to wipe my tears.
Even so, those hot drops of water would not stop streaming down my cheeks. Ahh, how many years has it been since I cried simply out of joy?
“I see…I’m sorry I never realized. You must be lonely when I’m gone for my training camp, right?”
“As if. Just go already.”
“You don’t need to act so strong, Nii-san~”
“I’m not. Want to test it with a lie detector?”
“Make sure to properly watch over the house. I’ll bring some souvenirs with me.”
“I don’t need anything like that…Also, who even does a training camp in the mountains in this day and age?”
Even Buddhists and martial artists don’t, do they? Not to mention we’re still talking about the handicrafts club. What would you even do at a mountain? Make some embroidered patches with what nature gives you?
“Well, we actually got a request from the people living close to the mountain.”
“A request?”
“‘A bear that woke up from its hibernation is turning our fields into a mess! Please take care of that!’, they said.”
“Why not ask the local hunting club for that!?”
“Well, our handicrafts club is just that strong, so it can’t be helped.”
“What’s that even supposed to mean? Even some karate club who won the national tournament wouldn’t get a request like that.”
They’re crazy. I thought about this before, but our handicrafts club is defying any kind of common sense. Rather than this being some training camp, you’re going hunting in the mountains, aren’t you.
“Hey, is your club doing alright? Doesn’t sound like you’re a proper club at all.”
“Proper club?”
“I mean, wouldn’t a handicrafts club…work on embroidery, knitting, and making like plush toys or whatever…”
“Like hunting yankees?”
“Yeah, yeah…Wait, yankee hunting!?”
You do that!? The handicrafts club is!? Hunting yankees!?
“This is pretty embarrassing~ We’re just cleaning up the town a bit.”
“Don’t make it sound like you’re doing volunteer work! You’ll only get hurt!”
“Nya? Nii-san, are you worried?”
“Of course I am. About the yankees.”
Kureha vs Yankee, it’s like you’re aiming a rocket launcher at a nest of ants. It’ll be a one-sided slaughter.
“Anyway, Nii-san, I better get going now.”
“Yeah yeah, make sure you don’t end up as bear food.”
“Aye, understoods~”
Energetically waving her hand, Kureha headed towards the door. Ahh, finally, the life I had always dreamed of finally was right in front of me. Such freedom, I’ll be able to experience a peaceful life utterly different from the hell I had to live through until now!
“—Ah, I forgot to tell you.” Kureha turned around, right before leaving the room.
She took out a red apple from her pocket. Didn’t we get sent this one and many more from our relatives in Aomori?
“Nii-san, you’re not allowed to invite any girl home while I’m gone, okay? If you were to ignore my words…” She put strength in her fingers…
Wait hold on!? T-The apple! She squashed it in an instant!?
“This will happen, so remember that, okay?” Kureha showed a smile, as she licked her fingers full of apple juice.
…I won’t. I won’t dare to bring a girl home. I looked at the crushed apple, and swore to myself with these words.
“So then, I’ll be leaving, Nii-san. I’ll feed you some bear meat once I get home, so look forward to it!” She waved her hand yet again, and left my room.
Slowly after, I heard the front door opening, reaching all the way up to the second floor.
“Haa…finally gone, huh.” I let out a sigh, and looked below my bed.
And no, I wasn’t going to enjoy myself with my porn magazines that I was hiding from my little sister. Last month, Kureha found all of them here, so I had to move my secret stash to the second layer of my second drawer in my learning desk. On top of that, I doubt that Kureha would have found my lethal weapon in the other secret spot beneath my bed. With a bit of work, I took it out—A white vinyl bag. Inside of that was were round objects—
Cup ramen. Not to mention that it’s the Ace*ook Super *up. This is my greatest and final weapon!
“……”
Well, you know. I’m aware that I’m just blurting out nonsense, but this cup of cup ramen is a greater fortune to me than you could imagine. After all, the only food at home right now are apples. Last month, we lived off kimchi, but at the end of April—right before we came into Golden Week, we shifted to apples.
‘I’ve been gaining a bit of weight as of late, so I’ll be switching to an apple diet.’
With that single phrase, my daily food and nourishment took a big turn south. An apple diet sure is great, really. I’m losing weight so quickly, I could become a lightweight boxer soon. My cheeks are slowly turning carved in even. That being the case, cup ramen time. Of course, some of you might look down on me, saying that I could just buy that from the convenience store whenever I felt like it, but it ain’t that easy.
The little monster in my family, Sakamachi Kureha, absolutely hates cup ramen. Saying that it’s an awful balance, or something like that. If she’s going to throw in that argument, then only eating kimchi and apples for a week is even more unbalanced, but I sadly don’t have the right for such a logical argument. This Sakamachi Family is like a savannah, where the strong reign over the weak. Basically, my position here is comparable to an early Japanese Christian back in the Edo period.
I really wanted to eat out at times, but my financial situation didn’t allow me to do such a thing either, so I bought emergency rations in the shape of cup ramen. I don’t particularly mind of course, I love cup ramen. To the point where I was looking forward to this day.
Now then, time to boil up some water. Once I’m full, I’ll go to bed again. It’ll completely mess up my rhythm, but that won’t hurt. Youth shall be forgiven in the eyes of god. Ahh, what freedom, what luxury. My blissful Golden Week has already started. Without the demon around, I am just your average adolescent boy. With that thought in mind, I tried to leave my room—
Tra la la la la~
The ringtone of my phone interrupted me. The melody of said ringtone was none other than the theme of the movie ‘The Godfather’.
“Urk.”
Unwillingly, I stopped in my tracks. I set up this ringtone for only a single individual out there—Suzutsuki Kanade. She’s the class president of my class, and the single daughter of our school’s board chairman, a fully-fledged and authentic rich lady. However, in reality, she is a wolf wearing sheep’s clothing. She’s wearing the suit of an honor student, but inside, she’s a cold-blooded komodo dragon. To speak the truth, ever since I’ve become a second-year, my days have been pretty much hell.
I almost drowned at a leisure land, was beaten to a pulp by a kidnapper, almost got killed by a classmate and my little sister…it was rough, let me tell you. And, this young lady was involved in almost all of that in some way.
“……”
What should I do? I even heard my phone buzzing next to my pillow. For some reason, it felt like not answering would be the right choice. I can’t explain it, but I had the feeling that if I answered that phone call, my blissful and calm holidays would shatter to pieces, like a pin being hit by a bowling ball to achieve a strike.
However, not answering is also dangerous. After all, we’re talking about Suzutsuki Kanade. If I ignored her now, she might push some financial credit on my family that we won’t ever be able to recover from. That’s why—answering her phone call is the safe choice.
Thus, ten seconds passed. On heavy and demotivated feet, I returned to my room, and carefully picked up my phone, like I was about to defuse a bomb, and checked the screen. As expected, it said ‘Devil Suzutsuki’ there.
“…Alright.”
I took a deep breath, like I was doing some indoor yoga. I need to keep my calm, at least the bare minimum. I can’t lose my cool no matter what she says. That iron will is what I need in order to keep a decent conversation with that woman. This isn’t a story of a wolf and piglet, but I definitely can’t let any enemy inside the house, or even near it.
If you want a fight, bring it on. This determination filled me, and I pressed the accept button—
‘Heeeey, Jirou-kun…Why is my incoming call melody the theme of The Godfather?’
“How do you even know that!?” I completely threw out any polite language.
…I’m not good after all, am I. What’s that about keeping my calm? I completely lost that one second in…
‘For crying out loud, at least make it the Darth Vader theme instead. That would fit my image much better.’
“Ah, you think so as well? I was actually hesitating between those two, and…Wait, that’s not the problem here! Why do you know about my phone settings!?”
I never told anybody. Is she some kind of esper? If so, then maybe she can bend spoons, or fit into a boston bag?
‘I don’t possess such a convenient ability.’ She easily guessed what I was thinking, and answered my questions for me. ‘Using the surveillance cameras and wiretaps in your home, I can easily guess the melody you’re using for me.’
“What are you doing to my privacy!?”
‘It was a lot of trouble. After all, we set up at least 120 cameras, including inside the bath.’
“My ass you did!”
‘Jirou-kun, you always start washing yourself beneath your armpits, right.’
“You actually did, I can’t believe it!”
‘Also, you should probably search for a new place to hide your erotica, it’s inside a second layer in the second drawer of your learning desk, isn’t it.’
“Stop! Don’t reveal any more personal information than that!”
‘I’m sorry, I’ve actually already released it all up on Ni*onico1.’
“You damn weeeeench!”
‘It’s fine, I properly put an age limit on there.’
“…Age limit?”
‘R-70. Only those above the age of 70 will be able to view these videos.’
“I should be thankful, and yet I feel oddly aggravated!?”
‘Only people who have experienced the sweetness and spice of life are allowed to have a look at these videos. Isn’t that perfectly representative of your daily life?’
“What kind of life do you think I’m living over here…”
I mean, she’s not technically wrong, I guess. But, streaming that online is not fair. What if someone is going to type some funny comment with the timestamp of that retort just now…
‘It’s fine, all of it is mere hogwash.’
“Eh?”
‘In reality, Kureha told me about all of that.’
“……”
‘On a side note, she told me about all of that the second I offered to treat her to some Garigari-kun2, you know. I’d love to have such an honest little sister like you.’
Sure you would, you damn witch. We’re talking about a little sister who’d easily share information about her own family…for one piece of Garigari-kun.
‘Leaving that aside…’ Suzutsuki let out a sigh. ‘You really have some distinct interests, don’t you.’
“!”
‘I never knew boys liked that sort of stuff.’
“……”
‘But, your future girlfriend might be disgusted, so be careful.’
“Gyaaaaaaaaaaah!”
How could this happen! A girl from my class found out about my fetishes! And she even gave me advice about it!
‘What’s wrong? It’s only me who knows, not that big of a deal.’
“Quiet! It’s embarrassing, so shut up!”
This is too cruel. Why did this have to happen during Golden Week? What did I do to deserve my classmate making fun of my interests? Damn it, it’s all her fault. You better ready yourself, Kureha. I’ll be looking through your room as well as soon as I get the chance, you hear me.
‘I would suggest against that. It’s a crime to search through a girl’s room. Even without having superpowers, I can see what would happen to you if you did that.”
What a coincidence, so can I. However, as a man, I can’t back down there. Also, can you stop reading my thoughts? Your intuition is way too on-point. You’re already enough of an esper, so leave me alone and work with the FBI.
“So, what do you want? Did you solely call me to give me advice on my fetishes?”
Aren’t you admirable? Why not take it a step further, and become a politician’s assistant. You might improve a lot of things in this country.
‘The thing is, a certain problem arose.’
“A problem?”
‘Yes, a small problem. What are you doing right now?’
“Eating cup ramen and sleeping.”
‘…Basically, you have time.’
Don’t say it so directly. I went through hell to get this small piece of free time.
‘So, about the problem…’
Ding-dong, the doorbell rang. It seems like a visitor has arrived.
“Sorry, Suzutsuki, I gotta hang up, someone’s at my place.”
I wanted to end this call anyway, so this was perfect timing. I don’t have any plans of having visitors today, but it’s probably some newspaper or religious canvassing. They sure are working hard even over Golden Week.
‘I see.’
There, she hung up. Hm? That was easier than I thought. Maybe it really wasn’t that big of a problem after all.
“…Also, calm down, will you?”
The visitor kept ringing the bell over and over and over and over. What is this, some door-to-door seller? Aren’t you passionate, you bastards.
“Yes yes, I’m coming.” I jogged towards the door, and unlocked it.
I’m only wearing half pants with a thin t-shirt, but since I’m at home, that shouldn’t be a problem, right. Only some random stranger will get to see me either way.
“……Good morning, Jirou.”
However, when I opened the door, an unexpected individual greeted me.
“…Konoe?”
The first thing that entered my view was an exquisite and delicate physique, as well as facial features resembling an antique doll. She had her hair bound up behind her, possessing translucent eyes, and a calm alto voice. She’s a handsome boy, known as ‘Subaru-sama’ at our school—Konoe Subaru.
And for some reason, she stood in front of my house on this very day. However…something was off. Specifically, the long pants, the vest, and the tailcoat—A butler uniform. Adding to this official uniform, she had a sports bag on her shoulder. I mean, she’s a butler of the Suzutsuki Family, so it’s fine I guess, but…why would she come to my place wearing these clothes? Not to mention during a holiday. She’s not here to observe me, is she.
As I stood frozen in the doorframe, Konoe looked all over the place, not saying a word as we stood facing each other. An awkward silence reigned—
“—Please let me stay over.”
The one to break this silence was Konoe herself…….Hold on? Did she really just say what I think she did? Something about letting her stay over? No, that can’t be the case. Why would Konoe need to stay over at my place? I must have misheard, yeah. Rover? Is she going to buy a car with her salary or something?
“If…if you didn’t hear me properly, then I’ll say it again.” Konoe tried her best to keep a straight face, and looked at me. “S-Starting today…let me stay over at your place!”
“……”
…Ouch. Some unfamiliar headache suddenly assaulted my brain, forcing me to crouch down while holding my head. Subaru-sama is standing in front of my eyes, but possibly out of embarrassment, her head was as red as a tomato. Not to mention that I could see tears build up in the corners of her eyes. What should I do about this?
As I was left bewildered on how to even respond to that, my phone rang again, with the theme of the Godfather—It was Suzutsuki. Ahh, thank god. I guess this is what they call a blessing in disguise. With sweaty fingers, I took out my smartphone from my pocket, and pressed the button to accept the call, hope filling my chest.
‘—You heard her. Take care of Subaru, Jirou-kun.’
Clank! Because of this unexpected homerun, the inside of my head swiftly turned into the Koshien stadium3 during mid-summer.
♀×♂
“Give me a break! Why is there any need for you Konoe to stay over at my place!?” After standing frozen for five seconds, I screamed back into my phone.
‘Why are you creating such a ruckus because of this? Subaru is a boy, so it’s fine, isn’t it.’
“…There’s a big problem there.”
‘Oh my, what would that be?’
“You…It’s because Konoe’s a girl!”
Trying to play dumb now…In fact, Konoe is wearing male clothing while attending our school, but she indeed is a girl. In order to be granted permission to work as Suzutsuki’s butler, she needs to spend her three years at school without anybody finding out that she is a girl, or some annoying pact along those lines.
She apparently managed to hide it fairly smoothly throughout the first year, but right after we both moved up to our second year, I happened to find out that secret of hers. Adding to that, Suzutsuki offered to help me cure my gynophobia if I kept Konoe’s secret, so that’s our current relationship. Put simply, we’re partners in crime.
‘Isn’t this a wonderful chance? If you live together with Subaru, you might be able to slowly cure your gynophobia, don’t you think?’
Urk, that’s Devil Suzutsuki for you. She’s using any kind of fitting excuse to make me shut up. I get where she’s coming from, but the hurdle you created is too high for me. Think about it. Now that Kureha is gone for her training camp, it’s only me at home.
‘On top of that, you must be lonely without your little sister around, aren’t you?’
“Huh? As if that’s—”
…No, hold on. Now that I think about it, why does she know that Kureha isn’t home right now?
‘It’s not such a surprise now, is it? I heard from Kureha-chan herself that she’ll be gone for a few days. We’re pretty close, remember?’
That’s right. Kureha even started calling Suzutsuki ‘Onee-sama’. At first, she was calling her like that because of the nonsense about me and Suzutsuki dating, but even now that the misunderstanding was resolved, they’re still like actual sisters. Why not put your name in the family register already?
“Also, why does Konoe need to stay over at my place anyway?”
It’s Golden Week, so why is staying at Suzutsuki’s residence not an option?
‘I told you, a problem arose.’ Suzutsuki continued with a calm tone. ‘Yesterday—Subaru was driven out of the residence.’
“Wha—”
What’s up with thaaaaaaaaaat!?
“What’s going on? Why was Konoe driven out just like that?”
I mean, wasn’t Konoe’s family working as the butlers of the Suzutsuki Family for the past few generations? She wouldn’t get chased out just because of any small reason, I bet.
‘Why? That’s obvious.’ Suzutsuki let out a sigh. ‘Because of the Lehman shock4.’
“Seriously!?”
‘We’re in an economic slump as of late, right? That’s why we thought of lessening the numbers of our servants.’
“That’s way too reasonable and absurd at the same time! You’d fire your own butler for that!?”
‘Fire? Heavens, no. I would call it restructuring.’
“That’s basically the same! Also, you’re definitely pulling my leg, aren’t you! Even I can tell now!”
If you were to create a pie chart about the human being called Konoe Subaru, then at least 80% of her existence revolves around being Suzutsuki Kanade’s butler. If she really was sacrificed for this restructuring, then I wouldn’t be surprised if she lost her will to live.
‘For now, let’s leave the details aside.’
“So you were just spitting nonsense.”
‘In reality, my father forces himself onto Subaru with his odd S&M tendencies night after night, so…’
“If you don’t take this seriously now, I’ll hang up for good.”
‘Fufu, no need to be so uptight, Jirou-kun, there’s just some circumstances.’
“Don’t try to cover it up with a laugh.”
‘…Well, long story short, Subaru has no place to stay.’
Urk…
‘That’s why, let her stay over, will you. There’s no real harm if she lives with you for a few days, right?’
Mm, that’s Devil Suzutsuki for you, she really knows how to push the conversation into the direction she wants. You make it sound like it’s no big deal, but it’ll still be the two of us. I’m a healthy boy in his adolescence, remember? They say that, after the age of 7, boys and girls should be kept apart.
‘No need to worry.’ As if she had seen right through me, she announced. ‘Even if it’s just the two of you, I know that some chicken bastard like you would never dare do anything to Subaru.’
It felt like someone stabbed a sharp blade right into my chest. So you can say that with no restraint at all, you damn devil. That’s against the rules. You know, you’re crushing my pride as a man right there…
“No thank you…” I rejected Suzutsuki’s request once again.
I mean, I do feel bad towards Konoe, who stood in the corner of the entrance like a hamster at an awkward gathering, but my Golden Week finally starts today. I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance again, so I want to treasure my alone-time.
‘I see, it can’t be helped then. Jirou-kun, I’d like to talk with Subaru for a second, could you hand her the phone?’
It seemed like Suzutsuki gave up, as the tone of her voice dropped. Well, that should be fine, I guess. I did as I was told, and handed Konoe my phone.
‘Hello? Can you hear me, Subaru?’
“Yes, young lady…”
‘So you were listening. I guess plan A didn’t work out as intended.’
“……” Konoe stayed quiet, like she felt awkward about something.
Also, what the hell is plan A?
‘If so—move on to plan B.’
Twitch, Konoe’s body faintly shook. Is it just my imagination, or does she look oddly pale?
“So…I really have to?”
‘Of course. If not, then carrying all that luggage would have been for naught.’
“…Understood.”
Konoe nodded, and closed the entrance door, stepping outside. I heard some odd rustling sounds. What is happening at the front entrance of my home? I can’t see it because it’s at a dead angle from me…
“Oi, Suzutsuki.”
‘Yes, my dear Jirou-kun.’
“You’re scheming something unholy again, aren’t you.”
‘Quite the rude assumption, I must say. Did I ever do something that troubled you in any way?’
“…Um, there’s way too many things, I’m having trouble deciding which ones to name here…”
I’m confident that if we took this to court, I’d definitely be the winner. If there is any gentleman out there who wants to act as the lawyer against this woman, name yourself. I’ll pay you a full 500 yen even.
‘It’s fine, you’ll understand what plan B is about right away—You and your body, that is.’ Suzutsuki explained herself with quite the eerie choice of words.
I guess she’s planning to force things her way as always. Not to mention that her words hold more credibility than anything I see written on Instagram. I need to think of countermeasures immediately. A sense of danger crept up my back, when I heard the door opening—
“—!”
The moment I saw what was behind it, I almost choked. Cat ears. There were cat ears. Subaru-sama was wearing cat ears fitting her hair color, together with an adorable cat tail hanging down her behind.
“………”
Damn it, there’s way too many things to retort on, I’m confused if I even should. All I knew for certain is that Konoe definitely wasn’t onboard with this plan. She stayed silent, full of embarrassment, as her cheeks were beet red. But, how do I say this, that was oddly exciting as well…and not bad. Not to forget the butler uniform she was wearing, this black and white contrast really hit home, as well as the irregularity in the regular.
A butler…A cat-eared butler…How could this happen. Despite it being unbalanced like nothing I had ever seen, it was so destructive all the same…
‘Come on, Subaru. Do as we practiced.’
From across the phone, I heard the order of the young lady, sounding like some personal trainer. The cat-eared butler looked close to breaking out in tears, with crimson-colored cheeks, and yet she tried her hardest to move those soft lips of hers—
“D-Dear master, if you let me stay over…I’ll do whatever you want from meow~”
“—!”
…Oh lord help me. This might actually break all view records on Ni*onico…! On top of muttering those words in sheer embarrassment, she even took the pose of a cat. As if to respond to this movement, her cat ears and tail jolted up and down. This…I’ve never seen this before. The always strong and cool Subaru-sama was forced into some embarrassing roleplay…!
“…Ah, wait!”
Right before crossing a dangerous line, I managed to regain my rational thinking. That was too close, I was about to be entranced by the enemy. For a second, I thought to myself ‘Well, it wouldn’t hurt to keep one at home, right?’.
‘How surprising. To think plan B didn’t bring you down…’ I heard Suzutsuki clicking her tongue across the phone.
Suzutsuki Kanade is a dangerous woman. To think she would resort to such measures. If she had even cat paws, I’d probably have been killed in action. Konoe could probably reign the world looking like this. But…something is off. Why is Suzutsuki making Konoe do this, without even being around? Normally, she’d be enjoying these things in the prime row, first class, with popcorn in hand.
‘Why did things end up this way, I wonder? After how hard we practiced…Those 150 times of rehearsal were all for nothing? We even had a video cameraman help us…’
There, Devil Suzutsuki spilled the beans. She actually blasted out so much money…Damn it, I’m so jealous. Just send me a DVD recording later. For a moment, I was seriously considering using up my entire New Year’s money just for that.
Gruuuuuuuuuuuumble~
There, I heard an odd and almost unreal sound.
“…Was that…”
Maybe the sound of a stomach? But, whose? Definitely not mine, and it couldn’t be Suzutsuki’s, as I was talking with her over the phone. That would mean…
“W-Waaaaah! You’re wrong! That wasn’t me, okay!” Konoe the cat-eared butler flapped her arms roundabout, trying to frantically prove her innocence.
…So obvious. No need to interrogate her, she’s guilty as charged.
“W-What’s that look for! You aren’t doubting me, are you?”
“I mean, I definitely heard that sound just now.”
“No idea what you’re talking about.” Konoe did her best to not look me in the eyes, trying her best to whistle her innocence.
Sheesh, she sucks at lying.
“Why not spit it out? It’ll make things easier for you.”
“Who’s saying that? A butler’s mouth isn’t that easy to crack.”
“I’ll make some katsudon for you if you answer me honestly.”
“Are you making fun of me!?”
“Ah, Konoe…There’s drool coming out of your mouth.”
“Wha…” In shock, Konoe touched her mouth.
Of course, there was never any drool to begin with, I was merely testing her.
“Y-You deceived me…” Konoe complained like a sulking child after falling for my trap, and glared at me. “Damn it…!”
However, there was no usual pressure to be found. Naturally, you could say. After all, she’s a cat-eared butler right now. No fragment of pressure from her. All I figured out—is that this dear butler is hungry, and quite the glutton.
Despite possessing such a small stature, Konoe can eat a lot. The other 20% of her pie chart is probably ‘Hamburger~’ or ‘Omurice~’ and other delicious foods just written on there. Or she might have taken a bite from the pie chart as a whole. Not to mention that she must be lacking energy because of being hungry.
“Hm?”
There, a thought popped up in my mind. Just now, Suzutsuki said that Subaru was thrown out of the house yesterday. However, she only came to my place this morning. That brings up the question—where as she stayed in between those two points in time?
“Don’t tell me, were you spending the night beneath the playground equipment in the public park?”
I was desperately hoping to be off the mark here, but Konoe’s eyes opened wide in shock, like she had been caught mid-crime. Are you serious? For a second, I envisioned the Subaru-sama curling up beneath cardboard at the playground…No, I can’t, it’s way too surreal. What if some fan happened to witness that scene? They’d probably have to get an appointment at a psychiatric hospital.
“Did you…not eat anything since yesterday?”
“W-Well, something like that.”
“But, there’s the convenience store, right? You could have gotten something from there.”
“…I dropped it.” She hesitated. “When I was kicked out of the residence, I lost my wallet right after. So, I didn’t have anything…”
“……”
So she’s been walking around without money.
‘With this, you should understand it, right. The reason she came to your home is because I desperately convinced her. I can’t tell you the reason, but she definitely has no plans of coming home just yet.”
“No plans of coming home?”
What’s that about? I get that she was thrown out, but she doesn’t plan on coming home? That almost sounds like she doesn’t want to go back to the Suzutsuki Family.
‘Not to mention that there’s some rather unpleasant cold going around. Some people in our class already caught it, so if she stays outside tonight as well, she’ll definitely catch a cold herself.’
“…!”
‘Say, Jirou-kun, you’re Subaru’s friend, right? Don’t friends help each other when they’re in trouble?’ Suzutsuku spoke that far, and grew silent.
…I can’t. How could I reject her now. It still doesn’t sit completely right with me that she won’t tell me the real reason this happened, but that doesn’t mean I can just ignore her like this. Even if she’s wearing a butler’s uniform, she still is a girl. Ahh…farewell, my Golden Week. I hope we can see each other again next year.
“Alright—come on in.” I looked at Konoe. “But, don’t expect too much. Right now, I only have apples and cup ramen with me, and although it might be better than sleeping outside, my home is much smaller, and dirtier, than Suzutsuki’s place.”
Luckily, Mom’s room is open. It’s been half a year since we really cleaned that, but with a bit of effort, it should be inhabitable at least.
“…Yeah. Sorry about this, Jirou.” She must have felt relief, as her cheeks relaxed a bit.
I really would have loved to hear about the reason she was chased out, but I’ll keep that for later. She doesn’t seem like she wants to talk about it, and I don’t enjoy invading other people’s privacy. Unlike a certain rich lady out there.
“But—don’t worry.” However, Konoe suddenly puffed out her chest, proudly declaring. “I won’t expect you to let me stay for free.”
“…? What’s up with that? You dropped your wallet, didn’t you?”
“Yep. That’s why I’ll pay with my body.”
“…Body?”
Hearing my question, Konoe seemed to have caught on to her blunder.
“Why are you emphasizing that part!”
“I mean, you said…”
“Y-You’re wrong! That’s not what…Ehm…I-I didn’t mean it in any lewd way…!” She put one hand on her chest, taking a deep breath. “I said that I’ll be servicing you with this body.”
“…Wha?”
“You still don’t understand it? Then let me be straight. For the time that I’m staying over at your place, I will be—your butler. That is the least I can do after all.”
“……”
“That being the case—Please treat me well, dear master.” The cat-eared butler showed a polite bow.
‘My, it seems like this will be quite the interesting Golden Week’, I heard some ominous declaration from my phone, but the shock wouldn’t allow me to think straight anymore.
1 Niconico, a Japanese video-sharing service
2 A Japanese popsicle brand character, which looks absolutely terrifying
3 Stadium where the finale for the all-Japan high school baseball tournament finale is played
4 This article can explain it far better than I ever could. TL;DR: Global financial crisis caused by the collapse of the Lehman brothers investment bank
CClaw Translations 