Motokano to no Jirettai Gisou Kekkon Volume 1 Chapter 4

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Misconceptions of the Past

☀

‘Before getting married, you should live together first’ is what they often say. Once you start living together, you’ll be able to observe all the peculiar traits you haven’t seen before. Your partner’s values, lifestyle rhythm, spending tendencies, hobbies and taste in food…You could end up feeling a ‘gap’ to the person you were supposed to know, which creates this disillusion that often causes couples to break apart with a ‘This isn’t what I expected’.

Since breaking apart after getting married would be too fatal, it is common practice to live together first to see if things work out. That is probably the biggest merit of living together without actually being married. Of course, with no expectations of living together written in stone, you could simply miss the right timing to get married, which would be a valid demerit, but…leaving that side.

In mine and Rio’s case, we completely left out the whole ‘dating’ part all-together, and started living together with no prior preparation. I had expected that the two of us, having been raised in two different environments, would experience a few troubles here and there, but…To me, Tamaki Rio is a childhood friend, as well my ex. She’s not some complete stranger. That’s why I figured that I should be able to at least understand her to a certain extent.

However, I was too naive. I didn’t think much of what it means to live together. Not even a week has passed…and yet we got into multiple fights. Well, it wasn’t as much of a ruckus as that underwear incident on the third day, but they were still worth mentioning.

For example—how we’d cut our bread, if we cut it into six or eight slices, how we do our fried eggs, the taste in toothbrushes and tooth paste, toilet paper, the amount of times we wash our bath towels, where we put the remote, small knacks in cleaning…etc etc.

There’s no end to the examples. Thanks to us living together now, we’ve learned of each other’s distinct tendencies and tastes. We would often clash about something, and end the day after learning something new about the other. Slowly, it’s starting to set in that we’re living together…and, that I still don’t know anything about Rio.

That day began with another small banter.

“Hey, Rio…”

After I stepped out of the toilet, I walked towards Rio, who was putting on makeup in the bathroom. Rarely enough, she had to leave the house earlier than me today. Apparently it’s a lecture she can’t miss once.

“What? Also…can you not come in while I’m putting on makeup?”

“Listen…at least refill the toilet paper if you used up everything, will you.” I ignored Rio’s words. “Putting a new roll there after you’ve used it up is proper manners, right?”

“Ahhh…” Rio sounded like she remembered something of that sort.

This morning, Rio went to the toilet before me. The day after we started living together, she brought up the great condition of ‘You’re not allowed to use the toilet 15 minutes after me, okay! Forbidden forbidden!’, so I held back these 15 minutes, and what awaited me there…was an empty toilet paper roll. I’m allowed to get angry over this, right?

“You’re not living alone anymore, so consider what the other person might be feeling. Seriously…I’m glad I realized it when I walked inside, but imagine the tragedy if I hadn’t.”

“…So noisy. Also, it wasn’t completely empty. There was still some left on it.”

“Not really, no. Wouldn’t have been enough for one wipe.”

“Would have been enough for me.”

“What an awful logic…Why can’t you just accept that you’re at fault?”

“Are you done yet? I already apologized, so can you just let me be?”

“…You didn’t apologize though? Not a single word of anything resembling an apology came out of your mouth.”

“I apologized inside my head. At the same, you also apologized with ‘Pay more attention next time. Sorry that I got angry over something so irrelevant’, see.”

“Don’t fabricate someone else’s voice, alright.”

“Sheesh, why are you always hung up on the smallest things? It was the same yesterday. Because I left the drawer open, you were all ‘If you open it, close it again’. Who are you, my mother?”

“…Come on now, I’m not telling you something crazy. If you mess up something like a child, then I have to warn you like a mother would.”

“…Jesus, this condescending attitude is pissing me off. That whole ‘I’m saying the right thing’ tone of yours is just awful.”

We both glared at each other, and became desperate on finding faults with the other. This is just one of the many banters we had over the last week, repeating over and over for different things. That’s right, this is the same as always—

“You’re so sensitive about everything.” Rio kept complaining.

“I’m not sensitive, you’re just too crude and careless.” I threw a remark back at her.

“Pointing out the other person’s mistakes to get a psychological highground…You’re lacking tolerance. Ahh, yuck. That’s why you’re not popular at all. I can smell your virginity coming from a mile away.”

“You…” Shaking with humiliation and anger, I spoke up. “You always talk about me ‘not being popular’ or ‘being a virgin’, but what about you? You’re not much different, are you?”

“Eh?”

“You never dated anybody but me, right?”

“Huh? I did, though.” Rio said, calmly and bluntly.

I failed to really understand what she just said.

“…Eh?”

“What’s that weird expression for.”

“…Y-You did? You dated another man besides man?”

“Sure did. Why is that so much of a shock?” Rio ran her fingers through her hair, as she continued with an arrogant tone. “Can you not lump me together with you? I’m pretty popular, you get me? There’s a lot of men who try to hit on me when I walk through the town.”

“………”

“After breaking up with you, I moved up to university, right? It’s not a girls university, but a shared one. Makes sense that I would be invited out by someone. A beauty like me is always swarmed with men. While you were walking the path of being unpopular, I experienced all sorts of things, and grew up to become an adult woman. What a shame for you.”

“………”

“Well, don’t worry about it. For the sake of this fake marriage, I ended all my relationships with them……Wah, it’s already this late! I don’t have time to talk with you here. I definitely can’t skip on today’s lectures.” She one-sidedly broke off our conversation, and dashed out of the apartment.

At the same time—I couldn’t move at all. After a brief silence, I sunk to the ground like the threads holding me up were cut.

“…Seriously.”

Rio has other ex-boyfriends besides me. This truth sent tremors through my chest. Everytime we fight, I learn something new about Rio. This makes me realize that I don’t know anything about her. And, today I learned another truth—That there exists another man who knows something about Rio that I don’t.

I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I came back to my senses when I sat in the bathtub at night. I went to take my university lectures, worked at my part-time job, ate dinner together with Rio—but that’s about it. My head was in a mushed mess, not allowing me to register anything else.

“…Ahhh…jesus…” Soaking in the hot water, I let out a groan.

This is bad…No, worse than I could have imagined. The reality that Rio dated men after she broke up with me…has delivered a shock to me that would not let me go. It felt like my heart was tied up with thin strings, making it hard to breathe, my brain grasped by an invisible hand to not let me forget about it…which is gradually destroying my entire body.

“…Ugh.”

I know. I’m aware of how gross I am, being this shocked by such a truth that should have been obvious to me. What does it have to do with what she did after we broke up? It’s perfectly reasonable and understandable for her to go out with someone else. The fact that I’m so shocked by this—shows that I’m nothing more than an ex-boyfriend who still has lingering feelings for her. I’m…gross, honestly.

I felt sick of myself. I didn’t think I would have such disgusting thoughts…Crap, why does it feel like I got cucked? Since our relationship ended with a clean cut, whatever she does after is up to her.

“…Sheesh.”

No. To be perfectly honest, somewhere in my heart, I’ve always vaguely felt it. Rio is cute after all. She’s a charming woman. She’s got the looks, the style, to a level where I’d call her a head-turner, as the guys would always look after her. The second she moved up to university—the boys would come running in lines.

I think I was always aware of this possibility. But, I decided to ignore it, avert my eyes from it. I must have had a faint glimmer of hope that she still had lingering feelings for me, not dealing with any other boys. How idiotic. Expecting such purity from my ex-girlfriend is the perfect image of a man who’s unpopular. I’m pathetic, with all my lingering feelings.

“…Haaaaaa…”

Even if I forced myself to think about anything else, my head naturally drifted towards it again. After we broke up, any sort of communication was cut, creating a blank space of two years—I wonder what sorts of men Rio was dating. Were they younger than me, older than me. Fellow students, or even members of society? Was it only one guy or two? Or, even more than that?

And…how far did she go with them? Rio and I haven’t gone all the way. Because of various circumstances, we broke up before crossing that final line. If…If there was another man besides me, who went all the way with Rio. If he used her lips and hands at his pleasure—tasted every part of her body that even I don’t know of—

“——!”

Just by faintly imagining it, I felt the urge to puke rising up from the pit of my stomach. A sharp pain assaulted my head that made me want to break out in tears, sending shivers across my body. A feeling resembling hate towards Rio and that other person started to sprout inside of me—which followed by an urge to kill myself for these selfish feelings. All sorts of emotions appeared inside of me, mixed together, leaving me miserable and wretched.

Rio has other ex-boyfriends besides me.

It seems that I’m so pathetic of a man that this obvious fact would leave me in such an unsightly state.

❀

‘I see, I see. So after breaking up with Haru-sama, you were popular all over, and dated other men…you say, Rio-sama.’

As Haru was taking a bath, I explained the circumstances to Hayashida, who summed it up with an exhausted voice.

‘Now…why would you lie about that?’

“B-Because I couldn’t help it. Tit for tat, as they say.”

After breaking up with Haru and moving up to university, I dated other men besides Haru—Of course, that is a blatant lie. I would never go out with another man but Haru. I didn’t even think about that. Ever since we broke up, I’ve kept thinking about him to an amount where I hate myself for it.

“Since Haru decided that all on his own…I couldn’t help but fight back.”

‘The pretensions of a woman, I see. I understand where you’re coming from.’ Hayashida said with a sigh. ‘However, instead of being popular, the shock you received from breaking up with Haru-sama led you to not even attend university much in the beginning. Thus, you had to repeat a year.’

“Ugh…”

That’s exactly right. My first year at university was…helpless, to say the least. After breaking up with Haru, I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything, just locking myself up in my room all day. Playing games, watching overseas dramas, reality TV shows, they were my only saving grace.

‘So…how did Haru-sama react to that?’

“…He was acting off for sure. He seemed to be spacing out while we were eating, not talking to me at all.”

‘Ahhh…he must have been shocked by that.’

“Y-You think so?”

Was Haru shocked to hear that? Would he dislike the idea of me going out with someone else? So, basically—

‘Men are all selfish and egotistical beings. Everybody would hate their ex-girlfriend being taken by another man. Haru-sama especially, I’m sure. Judging from what I’ve heard, Haru-sama seems quite concerned about his vir—his purity.’

“………”

‘Either way, I advise you to hurry up and apologize.’

“Wha…I-I can’t do that.”

I’m supposed to confess that everything I said was just a lie, and apologize? No way, I can’t.

“M-More than anything…there’s no need for me to apologize, right? It’s true that I lied, but…who cares about such a lie? It’s my own choice with who I’m going out after we broke up, and it’s not in his right to fault me for that…”

‘That is correct. I do believe that you are in the right here. Even if you dated another man after breaking up with Haru-sama, he has no right to complain or be bothered by this.’

However, she continued.

‘Important right now isn’t logic. With your lie—you hurt Haru-sama.’

“…!”

‘In the face of what, what do you want to do now, Rio-sama?’ Hayashida said.

She sounded indifferent about it, but it felt like she was saying it out of kindness.

‘The Rio-sama I know might be stubborn and always living in pretensions with an unnecessarily high amount of pride that makes her a pain to deal with, but—You were never cruel, were you.’

After ending the call with Hayashida, I moved to the changing room. To my surprise, Haru was still taking a bath. Normally, he’d finish that in barely ten minutes, but today he’s been in there for at least 30.

“…Haru? Are you okay? You still alive?” I called out to him through the stained glass.

“Rio…W-What’s wrong?”

“Don’t ask me that. Since you were taking such a long bath, I was worried that something might have happened.”

“…Have I been in here for so long?”

“About 30 minutes, yeah.”

“Seriously…Sorry about that, I was just thinking about some stuff…”

“…Didn’t you have to finish that report you were talking about today? You mentioned that the deadline to hand it in is tomorrow.”

“Ahh…that, yeah…I forgot.”

“You forgot…?”

Did Haru ever forget something from his work or homework? Something’s definitely off…and that is probably because of my lie, right.

“……”

Why…Why are you this shaken by it? It shouldn’t have anything to do with you. Or—did you think it did? Were you curious about what I was doing? Is me going out with someone else that much of a shock? Is it…just your desire to monopolize over everything? Are you annoyed that your past girlfriend you have no attachment to is now going out with someone else? As my childhood friend, are you worried that I might get caught in a dangerous relationship with some fishy man? Or…do you still have lingering feelings for me?

“…L-Listen.” I suppressed all these questions and feelings creating a maelstrom inside of me, and opened my mouth. “I-I was lying!”

“…Huh?”

“What I said…this morning. That I dated someone else after breaking up with you…that was all a lie.”

“Eh…A-A lie?”

“Yeah, a lie. After I broke up with you, I never dated anybody else.”

“………”

“D-Don’t think too deeply into it. It’s true that I’m popular at my university, but sadly there was no man worth my time and effort! It’s definitely not like I was comparing them to you, so don’t get the wrong idea!”

“……”

“S-Since you annoyed me this morning, I just came up with a random lie to counter that. I didn’t really think there was any need for me to correct that, but…I didn’t want you to think of me as some slut, so I figured I might as well tell you the truth.”

“……”

“A-Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say! Just get out of the bath already, I have yet to take mine!”

I said what I wanted, and dashed out of the changing room. Right as I slammed the door shut behind me, I crouched down, and took a deep breath.

“Haaaa…”

I said it. I told him the truth. I was filled with relief and a sense of freedom…but also regret. If I had kept that lie going for a bit longer, I could have used it as a strategy. Normally, Haru is always calm and collected, so it’s rare to see him this shaken. If I kept using this to my advantage, I might have been able to make him spit out everything.

His true feelings, how he feels about me, if he still has lingering feelings for me.

But…I can’t do something so backhanded. I couldn’t just leave Haru alone when he was down in the dumps like that, and more importantly…I didn’t want him to have the wrong idea. Didn’t want him to think that I’m some cheap woman who would go out with just about anybody.

There, I heard the sound of a door opening. Haru must have stepped into the changing room. And, to my surprise—he was actually humming to himself. He probably wouldn’t assume I’m still around.

“…Aren’t you in a good mood now, you idiot.” I spit a bit of poison at him.

But, I could tell as much that I myself was smiling.

Having regained some of this energy, Haru locked himself up in the bedroom to work on his report, so I stepped out on the balcony to tell the events to Hayashida.

‘…I know I was the one who gave you the advice, but you making up this quickly isn’t interesting at all. Couldn’t you have fought a bit more?’

“…Can you not? Why would you say that sort of thing.”

‘Every single time you call me, you keep boasting about your love life, I’m getting tired of it.’

“I-I’m not boasting at all!”

‘Ahh, I’m so jealous. I wanted to have such a marital quarrel as well.’

“…That wasn’t even a marital quarrel, we’re fake.” I threw in an odd retort.

‘Were you having a lover’s quarrel like this as well back when you were dating?’

“…We never had a fight like this back then.”

‘I see, so you were a lovey-dovey couple.’

“We were a normal couple! Totally normal!”

‘Hmm…’ Hayashida seemed to be thinking about something. ‘Rio-sama, I’ve been curious for a while now.’ She continued. ‘Why…did the two of you even break up?’

“………”

‘Around that time, I quit my job as well, so I didn’t hear any details. What exactly happened between the two of you…’

I couldn’t give an immediate answer. Now that I think about it, I never told Hayashida before. Back when we broke up, she resigned because of her impending marriage. Though, she did come back a few months after. During that time frame, Haru and I ended our relationship.

“…It’s not that big of a reason.” I said. “Going out was one thing, but we didn’t know what to do…So we both became too conscious of each other, which led us to become alienated…And that’s how it ended.”

‘That sounds typical of a student couple.’ Hayashida responded with a satisfied voice, but I felt guilt .

All the memories I would rather not have remembered came back gushing into my head.

I wasn’t exactly lying to Hayashida. The fact of us being too conscious of each other that we started to drift apart is true. Being in different years and different schools, we couldn’t find much time to go on dates together. On top of that, since we both lived at our family’s homes, we couldn’t even call each other.

Well, thinking about it, we could have just announced our relationship to our families, and dated openly, but as we were both in the middle of our adolescence, that was a hurdle too hard for us to clear.

Either way, we were trapped in this restricted love. I wanted to meet Haru even more, talk with him more, and touch him more—I couldn’t bring up the honesty to openly show these feelings. As a result of that, despite us dating with mutual feelings, we never really made progress with our relationship, and the frustration built up.

We never fought, but at the same time, you could say that we were always trying to be considerate of each other. This fact made me feel—like I was asking for too much. When we started dating, it felt like I was in heaven, and I thought that our happy time together would continue forever. I never once doubted that we would overcome the summit of what it means to be a couple.

Really, what an idiotic misconception. Exactly because I was living with these fantasies, the gap to reality made it even harder for me to handle.

What I was most terrified of—is that Haru might hate me.

‘This isn’t what I expected.’

‘You’re more boring of a woman than I thought.’

What should I do if he thinks of me that way? Unlike me, who attends a girls’ only school, he’s a student at a high-level co-ed school. What if he loses interest in me, instead going for a girl near him? Filled with panic and anxiety—As my frustration exploded, I vented it out in a weird direction.

“R-Rio—!?”

A few months passed after we started dating. And, it happened on a day we didn’t have school in the afternoon. I put up a random reason to call him to my home—and then pushed him down.

Forcefully, I slammed him down on the bed. I figured that, the more we talked, the more my determination would waver, so I didn’t give him much choice, and got on top of him.

“I-It’s fine…It’s okay…” I ignored my own discomfort, and opened the buttons of my blouse.

I repeated the same ‘It’s fine’ over and over, as if to tell myself.

“Once you start going out, this sort of thing is normal, right…You’re in high school now, so you must be interested in this sort of thing, aren’t you?”

“…T-That’s…”

“You know, I don’t have any experience myself, but…It’s fine. I studied up on it! That’s why…you don’t have to do anything. I’ll…I’ll take care of everything. Since I’m the older one…I’ll properly take the lead.” I desperately tried to hide my own anxiety, and act like the older person, the ‘Onee-san’, which let me suppress this feeling of shame that plagued me.

That being said, my heart was about to explode, my body burning up. I don’t even remember what kind of face Haru made. My head already turned blank, as I couldn’t even look at the person beneath me.

“…I prepared everything, so you don’t need to worry at all…Um, I even practiced how to…p-put it on.”

If I was allowed to make an excuse, then it is simply that I didn’t have any bad intentions myself. What drove me were pure feelings for Haru. I figured that if we did this, our relationship would deepen. That would reach another level, and that Haru wouldn’t be against that.

Though, if you really think about it, I was only concerned with myself. Everything I did for my own benefit, never considering about Haru’s feelings.

“W-Wait, Rio…”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to hold back…If it’s you Haru…then I’m totally fine…”

“But…”

“Just sit still already!” I screamed to interrupt Haru, and grabbed his wrist.

I guided his arm, up to my chest, making it fondle one of my breasts strong enough to change its shape.

“Wha…Urk…”

“S-See, how is it? Boys like girls with breasts my size, right? You’re always looking at me, aren’t you.”

“…!”

“If it’s you, Haru, I’m totally fine doing this kind of thing…”

Of course, I wasn’t fine at all. I felt like I was about to go crazy from the rush of blood and anxiety. I barely could even hear Haru’s voice. I was merely reciting the words I practiced inside my head. But, because my head was in such disarray, I couldn’t even remember what I was trying to say.

I originally didn’t plan to immediately move to groping like this. My layout was messed up, my plan of action torn to shreds—I messed up the order, and immediately reached for Haru’s precious place.

“—!” As a result, Haru’s body twitched in shock.

It was the first time I touched a man’s thing down there. Even through his pants, I could tell how hard, big…and also hot it was. At the same time, my head was about to explode. As I became desperate thinking what to do next—It happened.

Haru grabbed my hand, forcefully brushing it away.

“…Stop.” It was a deep, yet quivering voice.

When I reflexively raised my head, I met eyes with Haru.

“Please, stop.” Haru looked at me with an expression like he was about to break out in tears.

With quivering, terrified, and also embarrassed eyes, he scowled at me. In his gaze—was clear color of rejection. There, I fully realized it. He wasn’t just hiding his embarrassment, he was actually hating this situation.

“Ah…” I felt all the blood drain from my body.

My head cooled down at an almost alarming speed, and the realization of what I had done hammered right into me.

“I-I…” Plagued with shame and anger at myself, I didn’t even apologize and instead ran out of the room.

I don’t remember much as to what happened after that. We only talked a week later, via phone. I started the call—to say it’s over.

“Should we break up?”

Too awkward, too embarrassed, too guilty, not knowing what kind of face I should make, I called him. I knew for sure that he would hate me. But, there was also a part of me that still had some hope. That if I called it over myself, he would maybe say something like ‘I don’t want that’, which is why my call was a bit crafty as well. But…

“…Yeah.”

The response that came back was all too indifferent, almost cold. With that, our relationship ended…after not even lasting a year.

“…Haaa.” After I finished my phone call with Hayashida, I let out a deep sigh.

What an awful memory I had to live through again—No, calling it awful is the wrong word. The only one who has the right to call it awful is Haru. Without even asking for his consent, I forced myself onto him, seeking out a physical relationship…and even broke up with him in the end.

It’s just cruel, way too cruel. I’m sure that Haru must have already lost any feelings he once had for me, and who could blame him, with a woman so impulsive.

“…Yeah, that’s right. I really shouldn’t…have any expectations.”

It’s been in my head ever since we started living together, but I feel like I’ve calmed down a bit. Let’s stop this. Stop getting my hopes up. Our relationship is over. There’s no way he would have any lingering attachments to me. The only reason he agreed to this fake marriage is to help me. He’s only this considerate of me during our life together because he’s always been kind. The only reason he’s been down in the dumps is because he couldn’t take the fact that his ex-girlfriend got another boyfriend right after him.

It’s fine, I know. That’s fine as it is. Even if there’s no love involved here, this fake marriage isn’t as bad as I initially thought, so I’m satisfied. That’s why, I won’t have any more expectations.

“…Hm?”

I made up my mind with something resembling resignation, and returned to the living room. For some reason, Haru was there. Is he taking a break from his report? He sat on the sofa, holding his head. To a level where I could read the words ‘Gloomy’ above him.

“W-What’s wrong, Haru? What about the report?”

“…I already finished that. That’s why I’m taking a bit of a break…but, someone just contacted me.”

“Who?”

“…Someone really bad.” He spoke with a quivering voice, and continued. “Akino-san…is coming to visit.” It sounded like he was announcing the end of the world.

He still had the phone screen turned on, possibly having just received the message, as the name on the display said ‘Isurugi Akino’.

Akino-san. Isurugi Akino. She is the wife of Haru’s second brother, which makes her—Haru’s sister-in-law.