Hentai Ouji to Warawanai Neko. Volume 7 Chapter 2

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First word. First Encounter. ‘First Encounter’.

Early in the morning on New Year’s day, my phone rang. I had apparently fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room while listening to the New Year’s Eve bells. I don’t even know where I put my phone in the first place. I was still half asleep, hoping that someone else might get it for me, which obviously didn’t work out. Instead, my phone kept ringing with a ringtone from The Lion King.

“—Happy Birthday New Year! Do you have time today?”

It was the heroic gallant unbeatable glorious Steel-san. Apparently, she wanted to invite me for the shrine visit.

“I’m an examinee, after all! An examinee!” She proudly repeated herself.

And she was right. It is something very important, so keep repeating it a few more times, will you? After exchanging a few short words, we decided on a place to meet up. Rubbing my eyes, I headed to the bathroom. And then I realized something. ‘Happy Birthday’ is not the proper way to wish someone a happy new year. So please work a bit harder, dear examinee.

*

There are three necessary skills that this world seeks when it comes to training animals. First, get a seal to balance on a ball. Second, get a monkey to reflect on its actions. Third, get Steel-san to study.

—This kind of joke is popular as of late. Inside my brain, that is.

Steel-san currently is a third-year high school student, and surprisingly enough is aiming to attend a university, which is why she’s going to take the National Center test for University Admissions, which is pretty much one of the toughest tests you can take in the entire country, especially in terms of English. However, the person herself is rather lax about it. She thinks that she can make it into Tokyo University with ease by practicing every day but not studying.

You do realize that the test isn’t going to be multiple choice, right? It’s a test where you write out answers. Rolling the hexagonal pencil isn’t going to help you.

“I don’t know any Nee-san who relies solely on that.”

“What did you say!?”

“Please don’t talk to me. I will go to the Andromeda Nebula and search for a Nee-san who studies every day.”

“Wha…? Wha…?!”

“I want to meet my new Nee-san soon. We’ll take a bath together after we study and wash each others’ backs. Indeed.”

“Wha…wha…?”

“Oh, my old Nee-san. You’re still here?”

“D-Don’t just throw me away! Recycle! Recycling is important! You say that all the time, Tsukiko! You do!” Steel-san resisted the thought of her being thrown away vehemently.

She made her Nee-san full-out cry.

“Also, I want to disagree that studying on New Year’s eve is a trend. Studying is something you have to keep in reserve!”

“Huh?”

“That’s why, as long as I have the intention of studying, I should be able to eventually pass it…”

It was one of Steel-san’s favorite sayings. Motivational for sure, but I don’t know how it works. If I think about it rationally, I can sort of understand what she’s on about, but I also have no idea what she’s trying to say. Either way, there’s no way to turn the lion of the track-and-field club into a productive member of society by helping her pass her entrance exams. Even for the god-like teacher Tsukiko-chan, this is Mission Impossible.

However, the time of the true teacher, aka me, had come.

Even before the field trip, I often helped teach Steel-san, and I discovered something interesting during this. Apparently, she doesn’t dislike the idea of studying in itself. It’s more like she hates what this action represents. When I asked her about this, Steel-san thought about it for a second.

“—Studying for too long makes me feel like I’m breaking my promise with my mother.” She closed her eyes like she was praying.

A promise she made to her mother. Naturally, my mind drifted towards Tsukasa-san, and I felt a deep wound inside my chest. You could compare these feelings to a first love, and even more so an unrequited one. Any more than that I really don’t want to talk about, nor get into, but if Steel-san has a promise she made to her mother a long time ago, then I can’t do anything about that either. The past is something you can’t change. First and foremost, it’s something you shouldn’t change.

—However, you can change the current situation. And that allows for a lot of changes. So leave Steel-san’s training to me!

“You seem to have the wrong idea about something, Club President.” I said. “This isn’t studying.”

“Hm? Then what is it?”

“These are things you do leading up to marriage.”

“…Woah!? Marriage!?” Steel-san looked like she had been hit by lightning, and she fell off of her chair.

Judging from that reaction, she’d have a great career ahead of her if she joined the entertainment business.

“The thing is, my younger brother has this weird sort of complex when it comes to academic background. Every single day, he goes on and on about whether you should get your college diploma before you get married and that sort of thing.”

“W-What…?”

“So basically, university exams are like marriage interviews. You may have promised your mother that you wouldn’t study, but did you promise her to never get married?”

“According to that logic, I didn’t, but…”

“Then if you think anything of my younger brother, please perform these duties.”

“I never thought the younger Yokodera brother was this impolite. Did I see him in a wrong light?” Steel-san’s expression grew cloudy.

That’s right. Even if she decided not to study for the sake of her promise, that also meant that she had to give up on a future with my imaginary younger brother. That’s why she should just become a member of the entertainment business for all I care. No matter what choice she picks, I win!

“Okay, I’ve decided that I’ve been wrong about the younger Yokodera brother!”

“You’re choosing to go with that!? Well, if you say so.”

“Judging people according to their academic background is a vile manner of thought!”

“Yup!”

“How impolite of him to try to make light of my feelings by placing such a hurdle!”

“Yup…?”

“So I’ll present a marriage registration to him directly and catch him by surprise! I’ve gotten approval from his older brother as well, after all!”

“……”

As a result, that night Steel-san focused entirely on how to write a marriage registration. With a bit of luck, that might just raise her grades a tiny bit, allowing her to get into an average university.

“I like the idea of a ceremonial hall right beside the blackboard for the people who have passed. Or maybe there should be a blackboard with attendants beside the virgin road instead?”

“Isn’t that something you should think about after actually passing?”

“What are you talking about? Of course I will pass! And when that dawn breaks… Mufufu…”

Considering how intent and motivated she was, the younger Yokodera brother’s life may not be long for this world. What even does that evil laugh insinuate? When Tsukiko-chan laughs like that, it’s like a cat being playful, but Onee-san’s ‘Mufufu’ sounds like a predator about to devour its prey.

…Then again, you could call this a success of sorts. Imbuing students with motivation to study is the greatest duty a teacher can fulfill. And, no matter the age, a loving heart is the greatest motivator you could ever think of. Though leading her along like this is probably the worst possible thing to do as a human being.

I want to become a teacher like this in the future. Then I can experience a sweet holy time with my students, use all that experience as reference to write my own novel, win a newcomer award, publish the novel under some obscene name, get it turned into a manga and anime, become famous, and eventually get arrested by the police.

Luckily, the future is the future, and now is now. As of right now, I’m not imprisoned just yet, and can actually go to the first shrine visit of the year with Steel-san. This concludes this long flashback!

*

Within the winter atmosphere, the delicious scent of yakisoba and corn drifted through the air. The sky was clear, and people visiting the shrine wandered around everywhere. An elderly couple sharing a single scarf turned the corner, a family wearing matching hats held hands to not get lost. Those idiot couples wouldn’t get lost anyway, but they still hold hands so they don’t get lost.

All of these people were lining up along the stalls left and right of the path to the shrine, and voices calling them closer filled the air.

“We still have some time…”

There wasn’t any conveniently-timed bus at my closest bus stop, so I arrived earlier than planned. I decided to try to buy a good-luck charm ahead of time, but the closer I got to the main shrine, the more people blocked my way.

“…Well, whatever.”

The priestesses were dressed in dazzlingly white clothes. They were drenched in sweat, desperately trying to keep up with the storm of people, and the sight of it made me forgive every offense.

“Oh yes… Japanese Miko Miko Fucking God…”

The foreigner next to me kept clicking the shutter of his camera repeatedly. I’ve seen him before at another shrine, now that I think about it. Is he interested in this sort of stuff, by any chance? Just as you would expect during these trying times, though, the priestess is just a part-time worker. Even if she wears priestess clothes, a true warrior wouldn’t be influenced by a mere fake—

“Oh?”

In the midst of these priestess warriors, I spotted a small one calling people closer.

“Have the usual energetic Miko Miko Ondo¹! Misfortune will be warded off, so hear and listen!”

It sounded like a TV advertisement that you’d hear on late-night TV channels. The jingle itself wasn’t what interested me, however. The girl was familiar to me. Her hair was colored like the dazzling sunlight shining down on a beach near the Mediteranian Sea, matching her big, lovable eyes perfectly. The smile that sparkled from her well-built facial features was worth more than a thousand words.

Though her priestess clothes were a bit too big for her, it just made her look even more adorable. When you add a sense of discomfort to another sense of discomfort like this, you go from a net negative to an enormous positive. Is this what they call ‘gap moe’? Please let me participate in this photoshoot as well.

“Froggy jump jump Miko Miko. Be careful not to go too far, though~” The girl jumped up and down like a rabbit. This along with her rhythmic singing attracted more and more people.

“What an adorable pretty girl.”

“Mama, I want to wear that, too!”

“You look really cute! Can I take a picture with you?”

“Yes fucking god, great! Japan please! Yes, yes! Jump, jump, turn around, turn around!”

The elderly couple, the family, the couple, and even the foreigners were all drawn to the girl.

Basically, her hair, eyes, nose, mouth, and even her body looked identical to Emanuella Pollarola—Wait, it is her.

“What are you doing here? Got nothing else to do?”

“…Wha, eh, gyaaaa! Y-You again!”

When I called out to her, she abruptly stopped singing and started blushing. What kind of deja vu is this? The same thing happened on the class trip we went on. The running gag is that we meet at a similar place at the same time. We even acted the same way. This can’t just be a simple gag anymore. It’s probably her hobby.

“Y-You’re wrong, again! Papa forced me to do this!”

“Ohh, so it’s the forceful Papa stint again. Is this some kind of 2D thing? Does this kind of guy belong to a certain type of magazine not meant for your innocent eyes?”

“As if! He’s right over there!”

“Yeah, yeah. Even if this Emi Papa actually exists as a 3D person, you yourself agreed to wear these clothes, right? You like cosplaying, huh? How cute, how cute.”

“S-Stop patting me on the head!” Emi tried resisting.

All she does is jump and stomp, but she doesn’t try to run away. If anything, she’s moving her head left and right, up and down, like a small animal wanting to be soiled, so I ruffled her head a bit. Having a priestess below my hand like this makes me feel like I’m some kind of high and mighty God. Feast your eyes upon this! The world is in my hands.

“Don’t act all high and mighty! Papapinapple pumpkin!”

“Good girl, good girl. Pumpkin, pumpkin.”

“Y-You…I’ll shoot you!”

“Ha ha ha, what are you talking—Waugh?! Where did you get that water pistol from!?”

The priestess shot her God without hesitation. God is dead, folks. She held a water pistol thicker than both her arms and grinned at me.

“The heck is this!?”

“Listen to this~” The priestess struck a pose with the pistol like she was from some kind of action movie.

“Pervert Interception Pump-type Pet Bottle Remodelled Pollarola Version! I call it ‘Pumpkin Bazooka!’ I created it after many nights of hard work, so I won’t hold back today!”

“That’s a grade schooler for you… this just feels wrong…”

“Forget about the law. Removing a pervert from the face of the world is much more important.”

Facts, I guess. Of course, abiding by the law in this modern day and age couldn’t be more essential to maintaining a functioning society, but if you follow the law too strictly, you might overlook something important. Laws are just rules that guide life, but they won’t count anymore once you’re dead. There are things to learn after crossing the line. You get what I’m trying to say, right? Basically, illegal lolis are much stronger than legal lolis! Yes Lolita! High five!

“Gyanya! Where are you touching me?”

“It’s a high-five!”

“If you try anything else, you’ll get blasted to kingdom come, Pumpkin!”

At the same time, a pervert is much stronger than an illegal loli. There’s no way you could ever stop them. They are an even stronger natural force than water. In this cold-water shootout we shared, we laughed and giggled (I think). Since we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time, we really went at it. Man, illegal lolis really are great.

“S-Stop it already! Don’t try to grab someone else’s water pistol! D-Don’t shoot me in weird places like that! It’s cold!”

“Wahaha, this is what happens when you create a weapon that belongs to a different dimension’s chronology.”

“Y-You’re tickling me! It’s cold, freezing, tickling, I’m dying! N-No more! I give up, so forgive me! Hyhaha, hyaha, hyaaaa…”

After capturing the pumpkin bazooka, I succeeded with my lethal counterattack at zero distance. If you’re shooting other people, you should at least be prepared to get shot in return, and now I can shoot the poor little Emi as much as I want. As a result, the small girl writhed in agony, and I became more and more excited. The people around us drew back as water and liquid sprayed everywhere. New Years is really fun!

Just when I was in the middle of enjoying my time drenching Emi’s small priestess clothes in water, someone tapped me on the shoulder. What is it? I’m having fun here, you know.

“—You seem like you’re enjoying yourselves. Are you siblings?”

“No? We just happened to run into each other.”

“I see… Then could I ask you a few questions?”

Although their tone was peaceful, their eyes weren’t. The person had a well-built body, and there was a reliable-looking uniform on top of it. It was totally a police officer. Since the first shrine visit of the year could always cause trouble, it would make sense that the police would be stationed nearby. But what I don’t get is why he has one hand on his pistol. I’m not a bad pervert or anything here.

“Cold you come with me to the police station?”

The actual police officer gave me an actual death glare. This isn’t what it looks like. This is a misunderstanding. It’s nothing but an excuse, but it’s still a misunderstanding. It’s true that it might look like I’ve been harassing a small child that I happened to run into. However, this is merely the effect of Moon Child-chan’s training. It was so effective that this girl just so happened to be in my perfect strike zone. Also, during the Heian Period, the word for ‘Beautiful’ meant ‘Small and cute’. It’s just in my blood to be attracted to her! Do you have a problem with that!? Small is justice! Go ahead and tell me otherwise!

*

Because of this unexpected incident, I lost quite a large amount of time. Thanks to Priestess Emi’s sacrifice, namely clinging to the police officer with tears in her eyes, I managed to avoid the death penalty, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m late for the meetup.

“Achoo! Ugh, where is she…?” I wandered around the Shinto shrine archway, bundled up in a thick coat to stave off the cold.

We had decided on the place where we would meet, but I had gotten lost in the crowd. She wasn’t wearing any prominent clothes that stood out, so meeting up wasn’t as easy as I hoped it to be. What a blunder—is what I thought for a mere three seconds.

In the midst of the hustle and bustle, I found an irregularity. A pattern of arrow feathers walked down the path, an obi around its waist, the pattern thereof looked like lilies or tree peonies or Chinese peonies. A white nape appeared from beneath her black, bound-up hair. The people around her stopped and stared, parting to form a path for her like she was Moses. Whenever she blinked her cool and clear eyes, her eyelashes looked like angels descending. Was she an object of worship or an angel from the heavens?

She spotted me and flashed a smile of relief. She raised one hand.

“Ahh! Yokodera! Untie this! The obi! I can’t breathe!”

What a waste this is, Steel-san. When I loosened her obi a slight bit, Inept-san—Excuse me, Steel-san—let out a relieved sigh. Just how tight of a fit was that? I’m not too familiar with obi since I don’t wear them often, but isn’t it supposed to feel much more natural? Though position is pretty important as well.

To be more precise, her chest was probably the biggest problem. I can feel some sort of ill-intent coming from the person who wrapped the obi around her, but if I investigate any further, the flat Demon Lord-san will come for my life for good this time, so I’ll act like I didn’t notice. I didn’t use any names here, so forgive me Tsukiko-chan!

“But what a beautiful kimono. It looks great on you.”

“I’m glad to hear that. It’s been sleeping in the depths of my closet, and I had help putting it on.” Steel-san confidently ran her hand along her kimono, but immediately lowered her eyebrows. “Although it’s great that I didn’t have to walk too far, it might have been better to take the bus instead…” Steel-san said that much, and then seemed to realize that I had come by bus. She gave me an apologetic gaze. “Oh right, I forgot. I’m sorry to call you out here in this cold.”

“No, I wanted to come here anyway. It was perfect timing.”

The town we lived in was fairly big compared to the other localities in the Tokyo Region. Towards the north, things were even more developed, and a private railroad was at our disposal The train station offered a shopping building as well as a game center, which made it quite the entertainment venue, and we even have a discount store near the national highway. The district to the east has an old town hall and a public pool, and I hear they’re planning on building other things.

This ‘Kidaten Shrine’ where we were, dating back to ancient times, was located at a corner of the southwest residential district. Nearby stood the Tsutsukakushi Household, too. It was a fairly popular area for the first shrine visit of the year.

“Oh, do you come to this shrine often?”

…That should be obvious, yes. But Steel-san, who herself lived on ancient ground, just tilted her head in confusion.

“Don’t you come here often, Club President? You live close by, don’t you? Do you not like to visit religious places?”

That reminds me, didn’t Steel-san’s family seal away their family god? Maybe she thinks that gods are her natural enemy or something?

“Not quite… Or maybe that might just be it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Basically, and I don’t remember when, but someone once told me that walking under those shrine archways wasn’t a good thing, or something along those lines…”

“And who told you that?”

“Well… I can’t quite recall.” Steel-san said, and she started thinking to herself.

Now that she mentioned it, didn’t she tell me something similar before the field trip? I totally thought that was just something she came up with to avoid studying, but apparently she’s still swearing to that.

“You won’t cause a panic if you just pass under the archway.”

“Again, it’s just a personal problem of mine…”

“Is that some sort of jinx?”

“Jinkusu? Hmm…I guess it was like a mongoose hating to be left out.”

“I feel like I already know the answer, but you didn’t just use something that sounded similar to the word ‘jinx’ just because you didn’t know what it meant, right?”

“Speaking of omurice, I’ve gotten hungry, Yokodera.”

“Who brought up omurice!? You’re totally trying to change the topic, aren’t you?! At least do a better job of it.”

“But I really am hungry,” she said.

“Indeed, it’s the right time of day, so let’s do that important business,” she said in a different voice.

“And now you’re talking to yourself? Fine, should we get yakisoba or omurice?”

“No complaints with either. But we should go look at the stalls first.”

“I hope we can find some place to sit as the three of us,” the different voice said again.

“…Hm?”

“…Mm?”

“……”

“Three?”

“There’s one more person!?”

Some other girl just smoothly joined in on the conversation! Who is this, a ninja!? Why!?

“…So you found out…”

Right beneath my line of sight stood Tsukiko-chan, her shoulders tense. Of course I’d notice if you just join the conversation! She had her hair done in stylish waves, which was different from usual, and decorated with a flower-patterned hairpin. The color of her kimono was more vibrant than Steel-san’s, like slight snowfall melting in the water. If it were still the Heian Period, she would no doubt be mistaken for the royal princess for at least three seconds.

She was so cute that I thought she was wearing a children’s kimono for a moment. Also, and this isn’t related in any way to anything, and I really want to stress that, but a kimono really looks the best with a flat body type. And this is just a general observation, so don’t get the wrong idea.

“Wait, why didn’t you come along with me?” Steel-san narrowed her eyes as she asked.

Apparently, she had asked Tsutsukakushi to come as well, but had been rejected flat-out. Yeah, there’s no way that she would come here without inviting Tsukiko-chan.

“Well, um…” Tsutsukakushi averted her gaze, and the geta wooden clogs on her feet tapped on the ground.

After hesitating for a long while, she continued.

“…I considered staying back. But, since Azuki-san wasn’t present, I thought that I wouldn’t be too much of a bother if it was just Nee-san.” She muttered with a quiet voice, almost like she was unsure of what to say.

She used her right index finger to fiddle with the obi.

“It’s my responsibility to look after Nee-san, so I figured the first shrine visit of the year should be fine. Safe, yes…” She tightly grasped the paperback book in her hand, as if she were making an exception to the rules she herself had created.

The book she was holding had a sticker from the school library on it. It was the ‘Sonnet Collection’ from Shakespeare. She had apparently been reading it while walking.

“Safe or not, I thought about you the moment I ran into your Onee-san. I was wondering what I would do if you hadn’t come.”

“…Really?” Tsukiko-chan slowly raised her head.

Her blue eyes were filled with a glimmer of worry. The fist in front of her chest was tight, like a child who had asked her parents a favor.

“I can’t look after Onee-san on my own, you know. I mean, look at her.” I pointed at Steel-san, who was utterly demoralized.

“Why… Why did she reject me…?” She looked like a scientist struggling to find the answers to the universe. “Ah? I get it. What a tease! What a bad girl you are, Tsukiko. You’re trying to make our feelings burn even fiercer by putting an obstacle between us!”

“…Nee-san, don’t rub your cheek on me like that.”

“I totally understand. You’re just teasing me, right? You’re so lovable.”

“I’m not teasing you, nor am I lovable. I’m trying to fix your obi.”

An excited Onee-san rubbed herself against her expressionless little sister. What a sight. But it’s fine since it’s New Year’s, right?

“Anyway, it’d be better if you could come with me so that we can take care of Clumsy-san together.”

“Hm… Could you stop calling Clumsy-san Nee-san?”

“You’re even more cruel than me!” Tsutsukakushi pushed her paperback book against her Onee-san’s chest and escaped from her poisonous fangs. “Then please treat me well today.” She relaxed her fist.

I responded with a faint smile, and Tsutsukakushi nodded with a bit of relief. I’m a bit confused as to why Steel-san is tearing up like this, but it’s not like it matters.

“Wait, isn’t that even more of a hindrance? It’d be bad if it fell down, right?”

“…Is that so? That makes sense.”

Tsutsukakushi’s drawstring pouch was already full. I offered to carry her paperback book.

“Indeed, now Tsukiko has both of her arms open.”

“Now that they are, we’ve gotta hold hands, right?”

“…Is… that so?”

Steel-san and both grabbed Tsutsukakushi’s open hands. Now both of her hands were warm, and I felt that warmth myself.

*

Between the various stalls crammed together, we found a larger stall that offered table seats. Apparently you could order some curry or yakisoba and get some tableware.

“This should be good…Hm?” When I looked to my side, I found Tsukiko-chan in a location completely distanced from me.

It was a stall next to ours that was selling jumbo takoyaki. When I looked at it, I couldn’t help but find it suspicious. There was no place to sit down, nor were any customers lining up for it. And that made sense, as it wasn’t trying to sell the usual six takoyaki balls for a thousand yen. I know this is a special day, but you don’t have to double down on the price quite this much, don’t you think? Everyone passing by seemed to agree with me on this.

However, as a matter of fact… Tsukiko-chan’s tail-hair was standing up straight. It’s that! Her food antenna is going wild! There must be something crazy here! Steel-san and I both followed the gaze of our small glutton, and found a sign below the cash register.

‘If you manage to eat all of our super danger deluxe jumbo takoyaki in 20 minutes, we’ll pay you 10,000 yen!”

“Huh, ten thousand? If you had that, couldn’t you pay your way into a university?”

Steel-san seemed very interested in this, but for clearly the wrong reason. You’re insulting everyone who managed to get into their colleges through actual effort.

“Or so I was thinking, but what is with this super danger something something takoyaki…?”

If this was the general idea of takoyaki, then everything else in this world is nothing more than a joke of a side dish. They were the size of bowling balls, and they filled an entire plate like a dango family. If anything, this looked more like okonomiyaki instead. Do they even have octopus inside?

How would anybody be able to eat this? If you don’t allow perverts to roleplay as they are force-fed, a single person doing this all alone wouldn’t work—Assuming you’re talking about the average person.

“Haha, young lady, care to try? I’ll give you the smaller ones.” The stall owner caught on to Tsukiko-chan’s intense gaze, and beckoned her over like the devil.

“………” The small glutton slowly approached the stall.

“Hey hey, is this girl for real?” The stall owner gazed over at me.

In the case that we couldn’t finish eating it, the sign said that they’d charge you 50,000 yen. He’s got a face like he’s trying to tell me ‘You’re her guardian, so stop her, will ya?’

“Go for it, Tsukiko! Pass the university exam!”

Of course, her other guardian showed no signs of wanting to stop her. You’re the one trying to pass the exam, Steel-san. What are you doing?

“Well, I’m fine. It seems like I’ve found myself a deluxe jumbo challenger!” The stall owner declared in a loud voice and rang a bell.

However, the challenger herself didn’t hear any noise. She just stared at the super danger deluxe bomber with all her might. Her eyes had turned into takoyaki, and drool started coming out of her mouth.

“Now that I think about it, she was too busy helping me put on my kimono and she didn’t have any time for breakfast…” Steel-san muttered in a quiet voice.

This will prove fatal. It’s all over. For this store, that is. The new challenger sat down on the seat, ready for the battle. The stall owner nodded, signalling to her that she could start eating whenever.

“I thank you for this glorious encounter, and thank you for the food.” She gave a brief prayer in the face of the steaming hot takoyaki.

She opened her small mouth, and an insane amount of food that normally shouldn’t be able to fit into it vanished. She gulped down a giant bite. Another shortly followed. Soon enough, it turned to ten, and thirty. With astonishing speed, the food in front of her vanished.

The stall owner blinked and rubbed his eyes. Hee, hee. Scared? She… this girl is not normal.

“Ah, eh, what…?”

Around the time half of the takoyaki balls had vanished, the stall owner finally relaxed a bit. With belated timing, he rang the bell again.

“Th-This is where things will get tough… The balls of wheat flour with no taste whatsoever! The sauce has already passed its expiration date! The octopi is so small that you can’t find it! It’s just a countdown until the authorities come for me!” The stall manager muttered.

Seriously, what kind of stall is this? But, knowing this small glutton, a lack of taste won’t stop her from gulping down whatever is in her way, and nor will she slow down in any way. I’ll get to see Tsutsukakushi being serious! But something else happened right then.

“Mm…” The challenger’s movement came to a halt.

She still had around four of the giant takoyaki in the plastic bag. But she slowly put down her chopsticks and took her time chewing. Although she held no expression on her face, she was holding her mouth while doing so. Impossible, Tsukiko-chan is going to give up…?

Seeing this, the stall owner raised a fist, with a ‘I did it, I beat the demon lord with my takoyaki’ grin, but Tsutsukakushi ignored this, just looking around as if she was searching for something. She soon found a free sweet sake corner, grabbed a cup with both her hands, and gulped it down.

After taking a deep breath, she took a few moments’ break. Once this time ended, she returned to her seat and continued eating like before… Yeah, tea time is important, huh? She had already won, and the stall owner started crying.

Ten minutes later…

“…Phew.”

The plate had been cleaned completely, and Tsutsukakushi clapped her hands together. Her stomach… might have been a bit bloated. I couldn’t tell from under her kimono. With a relieved face, the stall owner handed Tsutsukakushi an envelope with a gift.

“Man, you really beat me. Even I had to give up mid-way because they tasted awful. You really are the takoyaki master!”

He tried to be a proud loser, but I’ve gotta say that the way he’s handling his business is a bit questionable. When I looked around, I saw that a crowd of people had gathered. In the middle of this, the winner Tsutsukakishi stood slowly up.

“Good work. Is your kimono too tight?”

“What trifle, I hash tea…”

“Tsukiko-chan?”

“I will buy something cool with this prize money… For starters, a night together with You-kun… Ohh, ohh, this is getting my blood boiling…”

“Tsukiko-chan!?”

Tsutsukakushi mumbled on and on, leaning against me. How bold! In a group of people like this! God is watching! We can’t do this yet! Her bold approach caused my heart to skip a beat, and I hesitated, wondering if it was okay to hug her back or not. I saw Steel-san panicking next to us, though so I gave up. That would be bad for her education after all.

When I casted my gaze downwards, I saw that Tsukiko-chan had her eyes closed, and there was no strength in her body. Instead, I could hear faint breathing from her, almost as if she was asleep. Her body beneath the kimono felt oddly hot, and her cheeks were flushed. When I leaned in closer to her mouth and nose, I could pick up a faint fragrance of alcohol.

“Not good…”

“W-What, what is happening!? Was she poisoned!?”

Before Steel-san could wage war with the stall, I pointed towards the sweet sake corner. Although they treat it as a soft drink, I’ve heard that it contains a small amount of alcohol. She had even gotten drunk from the mere scent of alcohol before, so it makes sense that she’d end up like this after drinking an entire cup.

“…if you sleep immediately after eating, you’ll turn into a cow. Then you’ll get turned into Donna Donna² and shipped away.”

I tried poking and tugging on Tsutsukakushi’s cheeks, but she didn’t wake up at all.

Carrying Tsutsukakushi with both our arms, the two of us stood at the sides of the shrine path, eating some yakisoba. Both Steel-san and I giggled while watching this sleeping child in our arms. We must have looked like a family. An older couple even passed us by, asking us what age she was and that sort of thing.

“She’s been busy reading books all night as of late. This might have had some influence on this.” Steel-san used her fingers to comb her tail-hair, giving her a kind gaze.

If I had to guess, she was wearing the kimono she got from a certain someone. In order to keep the kimono from getting any wrinkles, she softly embraced her little sister’s shoulders. That gesture was undoubtedly like a mother’s. It felt like I was watching an old memory with the late Tsukasa-san. I wonder if there could have been a future where the three of them managed to come here together?

Tsukiko-chan and Steel-san would run around, and Tsukasa-san would watch over them with a smile. But do I even have the right to see such a dream? I felt a sharp pain in my chest. What would you call this pain? Or would I be able to bury this pain if I fell in love with Tsutsukakushi Tsukushi? Meaningless visions and dreams filled my mind… But it was only for a brief moment.

“I told Tsukiko that she should learn from me and roll around on the floor for 12 hours straight like a normal healthy adult, but she kept beating me as a result.”

“What kind of thinking is that, my dear examinee?! You know what they say! If you only sleep five hours, you’ll fail!”

“Hm? You say complicated things. I always know how to handle my time well. Rather than not passing after putting your heart into it, passing after barely any effort is much more righteous. Getting results after not putting in the difficulty is justice.”

“Th-The club president said something realistic… I don’t know this person…”

“So you’re saying that if I force the younger Yokodera brother to put his fingerprint on the marriage registration, everything will be resolved. Hmm…”

“Don’t look at me like I’m your guinea pig!”

Though all these dreams vanished the moment Steel-san turned into Clumsy-san. People are people, and mothers are mothers. Nobody can become a substitute for somebody else. So let’s talk about the Steel-san route at some other time.

*

“So what should we do about Tsukiko-chan? Get her home?”

“Hm… But this is a great opportunity. If we let this day pass, I might just have no connection to the shrine at all.”

“Ahh, that was a jinx just now. Maybe we should carry her on our back?”

“My obi would get in the way. Yokodera, could you take care of it?” She offered a solution.

“……” Tsukiko-chan’s body twitched a bit.

For an instant, I thought she had woken up, but her eyelids remained closed. No matter how much she was shaken around, she showed no signs of opening her eyes. She’s like a sleeping princess.

“Then since you’re here already…” I lowered my waist and picked up Tsukiko-chan, settling her on my back.

“Mmm…” She let out a comfortable sigh, not knowing what was happening.

She rubbed herself against my back, which gave me gentle shivers. Still, if she’s this weak against alcohol, she probably can’t even keep any disinfectant at home. If you think about situations where you’d use disinfectant… a hypodermic needle, the nurse’s office, an examination table…

—I’ve figured it out!

“Hey, Yokodera.”

“I’m sorry! I apologize for thinking about it, but I haven’t committed any crime yet!”

“…Why are you apologizing like you’re a convicted criminal?”

“Well, ahaha, nevermind me!”

“I don’t get it, but it feels awfully uncomfortable.”

“Ah, okay.”

Steel-san spoke in an oddly direct manner, making me reflect on my actions.

“Enough of the idle talk. Just look at that.”

“At what?”

Is she talking about the shrine archways? Aren’t they the same as always? I stood next to her, following her gaze. She must be talking about the mass of people gathered up ahead. The European priestess’ Miko Miko Dance had gathered lots of people, especially the foreigners, who were still frantically taking pictures. Beside that was the police officer doing his work after the incident with me.

“Ah, do you mean Miko Emi? That reminds me, you showed her the ropes around our club earlier. She likes playing pranks, but she’s generally a good girl.”

“Not her, but the man… he looks oddly familiar.” She spoke like she was filled with suspicion.

That man? I narrowed my eyes. Emi, the foreigners, the police officer… I spotted someone near the back of the triangle.

“Ah…”

I felt a sharp gaze. It was the man with an unknown age and caved-in eyes. The hoodie he wore looked like it had been worn for days now. His face was covered by the hood like he was wearing a mask, and his eyes were hiding behind his bangs, peeking at me from behind them. He stared directly at me without saying anything and without averting his gaze. Although he seemed like a handsome person, all of his other uncomfortable features stood out first.

“Why is he here…?”

He had also been present during the previous field trip. We happened to meet at random and talked about some random thing. It was an encounter that wouldn’t have any lasting influence on my life. But if he’s going to appear even here—in our territory—he actually might matter for something now.

“Ah, hey, Yokodera!” Steel-san shouted in surprise from behind me, but I was already running.

“…Mmueh.” Tsukiko-chan let out a groan from my back.

Sorry about this. Trying to keep her balanced so she could sleep comfortably, I ran down the shrine’s pathway, my thoughts racing as to why that guy would be here. But the throng of people I ran into on the way allowed him to escape, and I lost him completely.

*

I started making my way back to my previous location.

“—Yokodera! Wow, what a coincidence!” An energetic voice reached my ears.

When I turned around, I saw a group of three girls. In the midst of these was Azuki Azusa, waving her hand at me. She had a scarf around her neck, and a knitted hat that covered her ears. I could see a sweater warming her up, making her look like an actual plush toy.

“You came too, Yokodera? We could have walked around in a group like spot-billed ducks instead!”

“I’m fine. What about you? Aren’t you with your… friends?” I looked at the other two.

“You don’t have to hold back~”

“We heard all about what happened at the Christmas party, you know.”

The girls that clearly were Azuki Azusa’s friends gave me knowing smiles.

“It seems like you got along with Ms. Earnest here.”

“We heard the part where she introduced you to her father as well?”

The two are an enjoyable group to be together with. They had no problems dealing with me whatsoever. They were wearing the clothes you’d expect from this generation. You could tell at a glance. Now that there’s people around Azuki Azusa-san, I can’t joke about her being a loner any longer. If anything, when you consider the number of our friends, I’m the loner here. My one and only male friend Ponta is busy travelling the world for some kind of volunteer work. He sends me postcards here and there.

“By the way, who’s hiding behind your back?”

“Eh?”

Azuki Azusa gave a dubious gaze, taking a peek behind me. I turned around, and realized that my back had gotten lighter without me noticing it. Tsukiko-chan had slid off, and she now stood on the ground by herself, clinging to my back. She looked like a small child who was scared of being scolded because of a prank.

“…Oh? Mm…”

“Awa, awawa…”

“Are you playing hide-and-seek?”

“Awawa… awawa…”

When Azuki Azusa walked towards and around my right side, Tsutsukakushi evaded to the left. When Azuki Azusa looked around from the left, Tsutsukakushi ran away to the right. For a moment, the two of them ran circles around me, like a pair of puppies playing.

“I’ll show this side… and then do this!” Finally, Azuki Azusa and Tsutsukakushi met head-on. “I knew it was Tsutsukakushi-san! Happy New Year!”

“Auu…”

“So you and Yokodera are together! You should have just told me!” Puppy Azuki’s tail was wagging, and she patted Tsutsukakushi on the shoulder.

When that happened, a certain someone directed her gaze downwards.

“This is, um… It’s not what you think it is. I didn’t want to be unfair like this. It just happened because I was careless… And he happened to carry me…” She frantically waved both her hands, trying to create some sort of believable excuse.

It is the rebirth of Dancing Tsukiko-chan. Apparently, she had been shaken by this unreal situation. Like a number two running into the actual wife at the scene of the crime… No, let’s not use that example here…

“…So, what is going on then?” The Puppy apparently noticed that something was up, and she tilted her head in confusion.

Even so, Tsutsukakushi couldn’t look her in the eye.

“A-Adjustment…” She said. She took a few steps back, and then dashed away.

We were left standing there, absolutely baffled. She ran away from us. Anyone would agree that was what she had done.

“…Maybe it was our fault?”

“Yeah, she didn’t talk to us at all when we met her before.”

“What if she was scared…?”

“L-Let’s talk to her!”

Azuki Azusa’s friends started chasing after her. See? I knew they were good peeps.

“Ah, I’ll also—” Azuki Azusa started to chase after her, but… “Uuu… I guess I’ll wait…” It took her a mere three steps before she stopped again.

She recited the friend logic she previously mentioned at the Christmas party. Although she wanted to chase after her as well, she forced herself to avert her gaze.

“It’s been like this ever since the new year came around… Maybe I should stop waiting after all.”

“Azuki Azusa…”

“I guess her anger from back at the hot spring dug deep. I had become too excited since it was about Princess Gamera, and made fun of her favorite character. Until Gamera fixes her narrow-mindedness about being number one, nothing will change…”

“I don’t think Gamera is to be blamed here.” I blurted out.

I felt like too much focus here had been put on Gamera. No matter how true that may be, you shouldn’t put all the blame on a work of fiction.

“I don’t really get what it means to be real friends. Nor do I know that to do.”

“…Yeah.”

“But, putting the… I don’t know how to put it. The blame, I guess? We shouldn’t blame Tsutsukakushi too much.”

Because…

‘I have to become someone who can properly stand by your side. That is my goal for now. No matter what it takes, I will grow.’ She said that in a confident tone. She seems to be aware of her weakness, and she’s trying to grow and learn from it. She believes in herself, and she’s betting on her conviction. No matter if it’s right or wrong, this is her own decision. If we were to steal this from her, that would just make us arrogant.

“But…”

“So don’t blame her. Let’s just do what we can.” I said to Azuki Azusa, but I was also speaking to myself.

Even if you wait for your friend forever or chase after them, we can only do what’s in our abilities to do.

“Um… how about we meet some other day? I have to give this back to Tsutsukakushi anyway.” I gripped the paperback book in my pocket, which I had forgotten to give back to her.

“What is that?”

“Tsutsukakushi forgot it. It’s a sonnet collection from Shakespeare.”

“Hm…” The manga freak Azuki Azusa wasn’t too familiar with that, apparently. “I’ve heard of the author, but what is a sonnet?”

“To put it in simple terms, it’s a collection of poems. They often deal with love, and they’re told from Shakespeare’s perspective, written by the man himself.”

“Wonderful! Tsutsukakushi-san has great taste!” She gave a brief bit of applause, and her eyes sparkled.

I guess that love is an endless subject for girls.

“Well, the person Shakespeare loved was taken by someone else.”

“Eh…?”

“Ironically, that person who stole his love was a former lover as well.”

“Oh my…”

“He put a story in his poems that went from love to trouble, and eventually acceptance.”

“I see you’re a literature romanticist, Yokodera…” Azuki Azusa made a grandiose sigh.

I don’t dislike the respect she’s showing me. But, to be perfectly honest, there was a secret to me reading this. In reality, Oscar Wilde made it a goal to try to figure out the identity of Shakespeare’s loved one. He really loved complicated relationships like these. After getting the recommendation from a kind Onii-chan I met in the past, I read all I could find about him, and that’s one of the most prominent points.

“But wait a second.” Azuki Azusa put her hands together and looked like she was thinking about something. “There’s something odd here, almost as weird as a five-legged sphynx.”

“Huh?”

“Shakespeare(Male)’s person he fell for (Unknown) was stolen from his lover (Female), and things went back and forth, right…?”

“That’s exactly what Wilde loved about it.”

Is it YuruYuri³ or Barazoku⁴? Nobody knows. The King of Perverts Wilde definitely tended towards the latter, but I’m a fan of both!

“My, how indecent…” Azuki Azusa hid her cheeks with her hands, speaking like a noble lady.

I wonder why she’s still blushing, though.

“Anyway,” I shrugged and continued, “This is a love triangle.”

“…That’s also a love triangle.”

My story is something Wilde would enjoy very much. When we came to this conclusion, we both grew quiet.

*

A bit after that, an email from Tsutsukakushi arrived.

‘I remembered some urgent business I have to attend to. I will go home for now. I’m sorry.’

After that, Azuki Azusa’s friends also went home.

“Well… Sorry about this, and thank you.”

We exchanged a few words, but split up fairly quickly after. This was the first shrine visit of the year, and I felt really apologetic towards them. When I returned to Steel-san’s place, another small incident occurred.

“I amu Japan… America language no sankyu…”

“Ohh… I am so sorry, yes…”

“No no, this is… not a pro… pro pen.”

Steel-san was talking with one of the foreigners! No, she’s not talking with them at all, she’s just blurting out random English words. The sight of the two parties just waving their hands at each other was quite surreal.

“Ah, you’re finally here…”

Beside them stood Priestess Emi, who waved her hand at me.

“Ohh, it’s been a moment. You didn’t catch a cold, did you?”

“I had clothes to change into, so I’m totally fine, but the head priest got really angry at me. He even confiscated my bazooka…”

“Oh, wow. Sorry about that.”

“I can just make another one. If anything, can you do something about this here…?”

Seeing how she was out of breath with no vigor in her movements, she must have been interpreting between Steel-san and the foreigner. If she’s managing to interpret between the two of them, she should be able to hold a decent conversation with aliens.

“What exactly happened?”

“Papa accidentally poured some juice on her kimono.”

“Papa? Whose?”

“Mine.”

“Where is he?”

“Right over there.”

“Eh?”

To my surprise, Emi pointed at the big foreigner. The person who had been taking pictures of her during the field trip.

“Again, that’s Papa.”

“Eh, ehhhh!?”

“What do you mean ‘Ehhh’? I told you. That he’s close by.” Emi spoke like I was the dumb one.

It’s true that I could see some resemblance around his nose, but I couldn’t just accept that they’re blood-related just like that! I smell a great crime hidden somewhere in here! I have to make Emi my family before she gets wrapped up in something weird!

Still, both the Azuki Household and the Pollarola Household, huh? Is there some ongoing Papa Festival that I don’t know of? Is it some hidden code telling me to become their Papa? Who is going to make your stomach grow?!

“I’m terribly sorry. What a shame. It was mistake…” The foreigner, or apparently Emi’s Papa, prostrated himself.

He apparently was a fairly serious person. But, as Emi said, I could see a faint stain on Steel-san’s kimono.

“I cannot make up for this… My fucking god…”

“Yes… Are yuu Tomu? I amu Michael.” Steel-san nodded a few times, and then she spotted me. “What do you think, Yokodera?! I’m speaking with a foreigner! Can you see this?! I knew that studying was worth it!” Or so said the Center Exam examinee in around three weeks.

Again, let’s stop calling Clumsy-san Steel-san!

“More importantly, there’s a stain on your kimono. We have to clean that off, or it’ll be permanent.”

“Mm…Then I guess I have to head home now, huh?” Steel-san looked down at her kimono, making a face tinged with regret. “It is a shame that we’re in the middle of our shrine visit. I’ll be busy with observing Tsukiko, club work, naps, and studying, so I won’t be able to come anytime soon.”

“Well, I’m satisfied that studying is number four in that list, I guess.” I shrugged.

At the same time, the foreigner lowered his head again.

“I have no excuses…”

“It’s fine, this is a thing of the past.” Steel-san waved her hand and gave a smile. “Still, I feel like I’ve forgotten something crucial just now.”

“If it’s about Tsukiko-chan, she already went home.”

“That’s it! W-Why was I left alone again!? How mean! How oh so very mean!” She started running at a frantic speed, almost falling over.

This is the running speed of the track-and-field club’s king, indeed.

“See you again, Emi! Let’s play high-five another time!”

“Enough about that already!” Contrary to her words, she energetically waved her hand.

It’s been a while, and I’m glad we met today. We rarely meet anyway, since we don’t have many connections. And, until Steel-san disappeared from the vicinity of the shrine, ending her first shrine visit, the other foreigner kept looking at me. He didn’t tear his eyes away from me once.

*

Let me tell you about my first dream of the year to tie up the noisy first shrine visit. It was a dream where Fujio⁵-kun and Takako⁶-chan used an eggplant to form an indecent relationship. Whether this was a good or evil omen I had no idea, and it didn’t matter. It was a dream I would have been fine not seeing. It’s not like Santa would do anything to help, either. What’s important is that we work for our own fortune and own desires.

…Isn’t that right, God?

---

1 Type of Japanese folk music

2 a Yiddish theater song about a calf being led to slaughter

3 YuruYuri

4 Japan’s first gale magazine

5 Fuji (Mountain Fuji) + Male

6 Hawk + Girl